Hello all. I'm new to this forum but not to my partner's online sex and porn addiction. I have recently found out that his use of porn was much greater than I previously thought. I've known it had an affect on our relationship, but the extent of it explains the total disintegration of our sex life and almost our relationship as a whole.
I cannot and will not live like this any longer. It took me way too long to get to this decision and I know if I leave I will be okay and do the work to find healing for myself. I do believe he does love me and wants to have a mutually fulfilling relationship. As with any addiction, until it is treated, one can't put anything or anyone ahead of their addiction.
One of the requirements for me staying for now is that he goes to therapy with certified sex addiction counsellor and does the work needed for recovery. I didn't expect this to happen but he made contact with one that I think has a solid foundation and plan for recovery. He had his first session two days ago.
He really liked the therapist and felt able share everything with her. She pulled no punches told him that he is textbook case of a sex/porn addict. That she could work with him but that it would be very hard work and would take time also. That he had to find the root causes or he'll either relapse frequently or develop another addiction which has happened in the past.
Due to the past porn and cyber sex activities and from reading I have done I believe he needs both a blocker and accountability software on his tablet which is the only way he has to access the internet. Although not technically savvy, he has found a rather simple way to get around a blocker we tried. Therefore I feel accountability is essential. When I told him I found one that I liked he listened until I told him that it monitors not only websites visited, but also within his apps. Then I got the "everyone needs some privacy." Not true when you have destroyed trust and inflicted the pain of this nature. I personally believe that in a relationship everything should be open, honest and transparent. So I believe and told him I feel his commitment to recovery isn't fully there and he is up to no good within his apps or email as that was one thing he specifically mentioned. I also requested he ask his therapist her thoughts on this which he agreed to do. This is the counsellor who told him that when I go out on my own and he is home alone, that I should take the power cable to our router with me. Brilliant! And as it came from her, I don't have to hear it is me trying to control him. He didn't need to tell me that but chose to as he felt it could be a good tool for him.
I think I'm looking for some validation that what I need and these boundaries are reasonable and essential not only for us to try to repair all this damage to our relationship, but also for his recovery. Any thoughts and replies will be very welcome.
Thanks much.
devalued
I cannot and will not live like this any longer. It took me way too long to get to this decision and I know if I leave I will be okay and do the work to find healing for myself. I do believe he does love me and wants to have a mutually fulfilling relationship. As with any addiction, until it is treated, one can't put anything or anyone ahead of their addiction.
One of the requirements for me staying for now is that he goes to therapy with certified sex addiction counsellor and does the work needed for recovery. I didn't expect this to happen but he made contact with one that I think has a solid foundation and plan for recovery. He had his first session two days ago.
He really liked the therapist and felt able share everything with her. She pulled no punches told him that he is textbook case of a sex/porn addict. That she could work with him but that it would be very hard work and would take time also. That he had to find the root causes or he'll either relapse frequently or develop another addiction which has happened in the past.
Due to the past porn and cyber sex activities and from reading I have done I believe he needs both a blocker and accountability software on his tablet which is the only way he has to access the internet. Although not technically savvy, he has found a rather simple way to get around a blocker we tried. Therefore I feel accountability is essential. When I told him I found one that I liked he listened until I told him that it monitors not only websites visited, but also within his apps. Then I got the "everyone needs some privacy." Not true when you have destroyed trust and inflicted the pain of this nature. I personally believe that in a relationship everything should be open, honest and transparent. So I believe and told him I feel his commitment to recovery isn't fully there and he is up to no good within his apps or email as that was one thing he specifically mentioned. I also requested he ask his therapist her thoughts on this which he agreed to do. This is the counsellor who told him that when I go out on my own and he is home alone, that I should take the power cable to our router with me. Brilliant! And as it came from her, I don't have to hear it is me trying to control him. He didn't need to tell me that but chose to as he felt it could be a good tool for him.
I think I'm looking for some validation that what I need and these boundaries are reasonable and essential not only for us to try to repair all this damage to our relationship, but also for his recovery. Any thoughts and replies will be very welcome.
Thanks much.
devalued