Kraken's journal

[Kraken]

Day 0 - 7/7/19: 3am

My brain feels like I blasted it with a cannon of dopamine, right into the side of my head.  The left side feels numb, flighty, and tired - very tired.  Recently I have been PMOing a lot.  Three to four times every day and it is definitely affecting most areas of my life.  That makes me sad.  When I do it, I never feel good.  It never makes me happy.  I have taken breaks before, with different degrees of success and each time I take a break, I never regret it.  My last period of pmo free lasted about 5 months and it was like being awake for the first time in a long time.  This was one year ago.  This is the present:

I recently moved to a new city, started a new job and made three ambitious goals that got me super excited. And then I got terrified of failure and success and procrastinated really hard.  My cycle of pain and entrapment is this:


1. Get excited about a goal

2. Take a step towards that goal big enough to tell people about but not big enough in itself to reach the goal.

3. Enjoy the feeling of pleasure that comes with thinking about doing hard work to reach the goal but instead going to play many hours of Overwatch instead.  It's sort of fun, but I think tension relieving would be a better word.  Numbing could work too.

4. During step 3 a trigger develops, they used to be sexy content of some kind.  But, these days it is usually a need to urinate or it is just a slight tug in my mind to relieve a little tension - a habit probably.

5. Go into the bathroom with my phone and pmo.

6. Immediately feel drained and generally bad afterwards and think about needing to do something about the habits that led to this result.

7. Go play more overwatch and continue the Steps 3-7 until there is no more free time.

8. Go and do the minimum requirements of daily life until there is more free time.


I know that this journey of actually spending my time on activities I love instead of PMOing and playing countless hours of video games is necessary.  It's more than necessary, I feel like a sports car stuck in first gear growing older every day.  It's time to free the clutch.  This will involve me confronting many fears and I will share that here.  Thank you for reading and thank you for supporting young men like myself.  It can be lonely out here.

-squid

 

[Lero]

What's up, man? Glad to have you around here.

I relate to your story. I used to PMO everyday, as many times as I had time for it, and it drained my energy like crazy. I was exhausted all day, numb, I didn't even feel emotions and I had no mood for doing anything. I postponed studying (I was in high school) and my grades dropped. You definitely don't accomplish anything when you invest your energy in PMO instead on completing what you have to do.

The thing is, PMO doesn't make me feel good anymore because of the feeling of regret that comes with the relapse. I can't enjoy the O anymore because of this.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Welcome, squid! This is a great place to find support and to reflect on your experience fighting addiction. It has been a huge help to me, and I'm excited to see someone new coming along.

There will be plenty of time to talk through the process with everyone here, but this thing you mentioned did catch my attention:

4. During step 3 a trigger develops, they used to be sexy content of some kind.  But, these days it is usually a need to urinate or it is just a slight tug in my mind to relieve a little tension - a habit probably.

It's kind of weird, but I know exactly what you mean. There have been times when I thought I had a strong urge to PMO, but then I just went to the bathroom and was fine. Sometimes our brain doesn't know how to interpret all our sensations. It's great that you're aware of some of your brain's misinterpretations of what's going on. Those triggers can be tricky, but they don't have to win.

It's a new day, and you have a lot of allies now that you didn't have before. Best of luck on this new stretch of your journey!

 

[Kraken]

Thanks man, I read in the book "multi orgasmic man" that having a full bladder can make one feel a need to ejaculate due to the bladder being so close to the prostate  That seems to be true.  It's been my experience that going to the bathroom can make the urge to pmo go away.  I'm happy to have new allies!  It's nice to know that many other men are also going through something similar. 

 

[Kraken]

Day 1 - 7/7/19: 10pm

One of the best Sundays I've ever had.  Woke up, and immediately took a bath with epson salts.  Really relaxed me and put me in a good head space.  Then, I had a quick breakfast and went biking to a canoe rental place and then canoed for two hours.  After that got a great lunch and biked home.  Didn't think of pmo at all.  I did think of the replies I got on this journal, thank you for those.  See you tomorrow friends.

-squid

 

[Kraken]

Day 2 - 7/8/19: 8:30pm

Here's the plan.  I came up with it a few months ago piece by piece and got some good results but struggled with putting it all together.  But so far it is working.  Granted it's day 2 and any plan works for two days but regardless, I am feeling lots better than two days ago.

squid's plan:
1.  Exercise daily using Pavel's Simple and Sinister Kettlebell Training program.  I changed my work schedule to start around 9am and that gives me enough time to complete the program in the morning, it takes about 30 minutes.  I've done it consistently for 8 days.  But I took a few months on and off learning the exercises and procrastinating.  Normally I'd say exercising every single day isn't the best idea but in this case, the program is designed for it.  And the volume is very low.

2. Learn the korean language.  I'll go more into the why behind this one in the days to come but I have an online teacher I meet with about twice a week.  The trouble is I've been paying for the lessons and really enjoy it.  But I never study or do the homework and I feel bad and super stressed out about it.  I really want to learn but I run from the activities that are required for learning like I'm being chased by a pack of wolves.  All the tension used to be relieved by pmo.  Now I need to find a way to prevent it or relieve it some other way.

2.5/3.  This part of the plan is about planning adventures, being social and starting a blog and eventually a video blog about my travels and adventures.  I consume so much media and listen so much and very rarely express myself.  I just nod along and it doesn't feel right.  I have a story to tell and I want to tell it. 


So far I have had success in all parts except part 3. Although I could count this blog.  In which case that I've made some progress in the past two weeks on all three.  Fitness has been going very well this week and I think it's responsible for my good mood.


Quick update on today.  I worked and had trouble focusing all day.  And strangely enough I got three bloody noses in one day.  That does not normally happen but does from time to time and it was weird.  I did my workout in the morning but only got 6.5 hours of sleep and I definitely need more.  After work things got interesting.

I felt it.  Hard to describe but a deep feeling that I was going to pmo after work.  That's what I normally do every day so it's not rocket science.  Regardless, I knew that if I went home and started playing overwatch and watching youtube, shortly after I would pmo.  So, I desperately looked at meetups for something to do.  Found a running group nearby and my roommate agreed to go with me to it.  We biked over there and got turned around a bit so we ended up being ten minutes late and they left without us.  Instead we had a fantastic two hour ride and hike through the woods towards the river.  It was really fun - even though I got a nose bleed in the middle.  After that I went to the library just to browse and read a little.  All in all a good day.  I've been reading other journals on here too and it's been really great to not feel alone.  We got this!

-squid

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Glad you're making progress and feeling good! That looks like an awesome plan. I've learned recently that I do better in a day when I've taken time to be creative, so I think your plan to tell your story is an awesome one.

Keep it going and stick to your plan! Sometimes it feels like starting a new plan will just fix things from day one, but it's important to remember that, even when you're doing everything right, time is still an essential part of healing.

 

[Kraken]

Day 3 - 7/9/19: 9pm

Instead of working out in the morning I slept in and I'm glad I did.  That long bike and hike last night really wiped me out and I needed the 9 hours of sleep.  Work was tough, it's really boring and unsatisfying and I feel like the environment has encouraged me not to try.  I want to do a good job at work and be proud of what I do but I'm not there.  At least the day ended at 5 and as a bonus I'm being sent to my first business conference on Thursday.  So that will be cool, a different day anyway.  I called my Dad on the way home from work and vented a bit which made me feel better.  I'm grateful to have an encouraging family. 

My energy and mood has been all over the place.  I'm tired, I'm restless, I'm energized, I'm sleepy.  I started back up with my online language tutoring after two weeks off and not actually studying for a few months.  Boy was it difficult, I was remembering vocab I didn't know was still in my head.  I was embarrassed for all the things I forgot and frustrated for not being able to speak to my teacher as well as I could a few months ago.  I never practice and that makes an hour of one on one lessons pretty painful sometimes.  I really enjoy the language and the lessons when I study.  I don't want to ask too much of myself during the beginning of this reboot but boy would I love to be able to practice consistently and improve week over week with the language.  That would be cool.  To reach the point that I could talk to my friends and watch some shows.  And maybe go to graduate school over there someday.  I got through the lesson and I'm glad I did, we reviewed a lot.

As far as pmo I've had some slight urges, even at work.  I usually go to the bathroom and read articles on my phone but I can't do that anymore, it's just a dumb idea.  That environment is my danger zone for pmo.  Besides those slight urges I haven't felt much.  I'll probably be flatlined for another few weeks based on my past experience and how often I was pmoing before the reboot. 

I'm most excited about feeling more emotion again and being more expressive.  It's a heavy price for the short high from pmo and I am no longer willing to pay it. 

Stay free my friends,

-squid

 

[Kraken]

Glad you're making progress and feeling good! That looks like an awesome plan. I've learned recently that I do better in a day when I've taken time to be creative, so I think your plan to tell your story is an awesome one.

Keep it going and stick to your plan! Sometimes it feels like starting a new plan will just fix things from day one, but it's important to remember that, even when you're doing everything right, time is still an essential part of healing.

Thanks for your encouragement man, I really appreciate it.  Without pmo and overwatch I have a huge void of time.  I'm hoping focusing more on those three goals that I've wanted for a long time will help.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

It's crazy how we find time in our lives when we give up the things that have kept us trapped for so long. It can be tough to know how to fill that time, but it can be awesome to fill it with something that makes you feel like you're making progress.

Good luck with it all!

 

[Kraken]

Day 4 - 7/10/19: 9pm, 11pm

Today was a good day.  I went to slept a little later than I wanted but still did my workout and got to work on time.  Work was a lot better than yesterday.  I talked to my sister today and got some ideas on how I can find more fulfilling opportunities within the company while doing my day to day job and expanding in areas I find exciting.
I'm trying to find ways to like my job a little more.  I spend a lot of time there everyday haha. 

I've been reading people's blogs on here a bit and it has been helpful to feel a part of a community of people making progress everyday.  I noticed how often people, my past self included, relapse during the first 30 days.  It's the same in long distance hiking, which was my life last year when I thru hiked the Appalachian Trail.  In 5 and a 1/2 months of living in the mountains, achieving miles step by step and feeling like a family member to others on the same trail, I learned a lot.  I am drawing on that experience in this journey.  The first few weeks are dangerous, 25% of people on the AT drop out by mile 31/2192.  The key is to not be surprised by the day to day that the trail entails, be prepared and also to be willing to not be in control all the time.  I'll talk more about my thru hike and other adventures in future posts but I got to wrap this up so I can go to bed.

In other news, I made an emergency kit, put it in a bath bomb box and hid it in my bathroom.  The kit contains a small notebook, a pen, a stressball, a thick rubberband, warheads candy and mounds chocolate coconut mini candy bars.  I felt some small urges in the bathroom today and used it as an opportunity to practice using the emergency kit. I opened it up, read the encouraging notes I wrote and then wrote how I was feeling.  I grabbed one of my favorite candies and left the room.

My mood has still be fluctuating a lot, I still feel restless and tired but not as bad.  And honestly after so many months of belly up surrender I am just happy as a clam to even try to leave pmo behind.  It's the dark shadow always in the room.  The most monsterous form of my internal resistance.  If knowing everything I know about myself and my youth, I had to create a Frankenstein to defeat me, a kryptonite to my superman - it would be pmo.  The thing is, I know it will wreck havoc on any relationship I enter and I know the cost is too great.  It will not stand, sir, it will not stand.  I choose a different path.  Never forget, this very moment you can alter your destiny. 

Stay free my friends,

-squid

 

[No regrets]

You're the kind of person who deserves a whole pie, but you'd prbably share it anyways . Thank you for supporting others 

 

[Lero]

You're doing well, Squid. It's my 4th day too so we are in the same boat.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Wow, really awesome thoughts and determination!

I really love the idea of an emergency kit. I might make one for myself. I know in the very earliest days of my recovery, it was only Snickers bars that could get me through the urges of a day. Sometimes it just takes a little chocolate to take the edge off, lol.

Sounds like you're in a good spot right now. I'm excited for you! Keep at it!

 

[Kraken]

You're the kind of person who deserves a whole pie, but you'd prbably share it anyways . Thank you for supporting others 

Thank you man, I don't really like pie anyway, you can have some of it

 

[Kraken]

You're doing well, Squid. It's my 4th day too so we are in the same boat.

Thanks Lero, it's a good boat to be in!  We are on an express ship to freedom - as fast as the wind, calm as the water, bold as the fire, and as steady as the earth.

 

[Kraken]

Wow, really awesome thoughts and determination!

I really love the idea of an emergency kit. I might make one for myself. I know in the very earliest days of my recovery, it was only Snickers bars that could get me through the urges of a day. Sometimes it just takes a little chocolate to take the edge off, lol.

Sounds like you're in a good spot right now. I'm excited for you! Keep at it!

I got the idea while reading journals on here.  The one advantage we have over pmo is that it is predictable.  So we can plan for it.  If it  looks like rain outside, I carry an umbrella.  Same principal.  It has been helpful so far, I hope it helps you too!

 

[Kraken]

Day 5 - 7/11/19: 9pm

Today was a different day, my company sent me on a business trip to my first conference.  It was pretty cool, and I also got some leads for a better job haha.

I did my morning workout, I didn't study Korean and I haven't blogged except for on here.  But all in all a great day and I'm glad I was able to do the workout and stay on track.  Different days can be some of the most difficult.  I've have small urges throughout the day but I am still in a flatline so there are not a whole lot of signals coming from below deck.  It's just part of the healing process.

Stay free my friends,

-squid

 

[Lero]

You're doing well, man. It's day 5 for me too.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Sounds like you're carrying on, and that's what counts! Keep on taking care of yourself (and fingers crossed for a possible better job)!