Day 9 - 7/15/19: 9pm
Today was a great day at work. I got a lot done and even had a long chat with our director of recruiting. Got a lot of great ideas to help my unemployed friend and to help myself build my career and find better positions. My boss was out sick, every day they aren't there the day goes much better haha. Good thing they frequently work
from home.
Some feelings started returning today. I'd be in a board meeting and suddenly notice a few of the ladies are kind of attractive. In my pmo foggy haze I had never noticed before. I'm way more happy than I was 9 days ago. I think back to the bike rides I've taken, the workouts, the runs, the going out with friends, the reading, the epson salt baths, this journal and the community of driven focused young men we have here - and it makes me smile. There is a very powerful feeling that I feel when I am doing what I believe in. I got it when hiking across the Appalachian Mountains and I had it these past 9 days. A sense of self sovereignty. I'm not perfect but it's a huge improvement and I notice it day to day. My energy is higher, I'm more confident, and I like myself more. P isn't just a high, it is also very negative and toxic content that does affect the mind in a negative way.
I've been thinking about the gaming. In fact, I played after work today for two hours after watching a show over dinner for an hour. That's most of my after work time, it should be said. Do I want to take a long break from videogames and dedicate that time to falling in love with other activities that fill my heart with joy? Absolutely. But I believe the way I do it is very important. Because if I take gaming away and leave nothing in it's place, there would be such a large hole where it was, that I risk my foundation falling down.
So, I ask myself, what do I love enough to trade gaming for? Well, I love the feeling of pursuing meaningful goals. I love physical activity, story telling, digital media, content creation, fitness, travel, real connection, relationships, looking for opportunities, helping other look for opportunities, being on a small team, pursuing a common cause, backpacking, hiking, reading, writing, poems, empowering people, being outside, being creative, entrepreneurship, finding a woman to date and other things too.
After I moved to the new city, I had a few weeks without any pmo or videogames, there was just too much going on and I didn't miss it. Once things settled down, I wrote down my goals I thought about for months on the trails. Learn Korean, get fits, and make online content about immersive travel. I bought a website hosting for a year, bought my Kettlebells, and signed up for private tutoring twice a week. Everything was there, the stage was set, I had a plan and then and then and then.. I blew it all up.
I didn't do any homework, and never studied, I started pmoing a lot every day, I started to play hours of videogames every night, not getting enough sleep and barely making it to work, I gained weight, I became isolated and stopped reaching out and hanging out with friends. I eventually got sick and had a cold, runny nose, cough, and depressed feeling for two weeks. I lived in a tent in the mountains hiking 15-25 miles a day with 30 pounds on my back for six months and never got injured. I lived in the dirt and never got sick. After a feel months in a city I was sick for two weeks!? On the trail I was happier and poorer than I'd ever been. I was following my dream and I couldn't be touched because my mental attitude was so strong.
My idea was to have my own trail of goals while I did two years on the city saving up and building a career and planning my next moves. But my internal resistance was so strong, once all the real obstacles were gone, I metaphorically shot myself in the foot over and over. I'd do enough studying and fitness and blogging to sort of claim that I was following my passion but it was a lie. It was a story that I wished was true but didn't have the guts to dive into.
So, the path for me is clear. My pmo use and video game use is resistance to my dream. It's fear, it's a bully. My response is be stubborn, to be tough, to act professional. I am going to learn the korean language, that's my one goal for a year. Along the way, I am going to live in a way that supports this. Regular exercise, good food, socializing, and sharing my journey. These are supportive activities.
So in summary, am I adding videogames to my reboot? You betcha. Am I continuing the reboot? Absolutely. Is that the area of focus? Is it my dream to never play overwatch or pmo again? No, that's not the dream, it doesn't matter enough to warrant that much energy anymore. It's a bully, it's nasty, yes. And devious for sure. But I don't care about it, it needs to get the fuck out of here. I am learning another god damn language and using that energy to positively affect the rest of my life too. I want to reach TOPIK level 4 in one year and get a scholarship to study over there. Because I can, I'm young, and I want to. I'll have more specific techniques and strategies tomorrow.
Stay free my friends,
-squid
