Hey Squid, I went through your journal over the past few ays and your story is beyond inspiring. I am on day 9 after consistently failing reboot after reboot, and I'm on the road to recovery. I just want you to know that your success motivates me in moving beyond this, it helps me feel like there is a way out rather than being an unescapable pit. So thank you for that.
Kraken's journal
- Thread starter Kraken
- Start date
Hey walker! Glad to hear it.
Unfortunately, I did some light pmo yesterday and today. I'm feeling very weak and am having trouble with the simplist discipline. I went away for a camping trip and that really recharged me but then when I came back I participated in the same habits of gaming all day then getting triggered. Very disappointing for sure.
This has been a rough period of quarentine, not being able to see friends for most of the year and being jobless all year. Definitely hurts the self esteem and is hard on my mind.
That being said, my year pmo free was amazing, I'm in love and learned so much about myself. I've been incredibly happy.
So back on the horse! Let's turn some stopping stones into stepping stones.
Squid
Unfortunately, I did some light pmo yesterday and today. I'm feeling very weak and am having trouble with the simplist discipline. I went away for a camping trip and that really recharged me but then when I came back I participated in the same habits of gaming all day then getting triggered. Very disappointing for sure.
This has been a rough period of quarentine, not being able to see friends for most of the year and being jobless all year. Definitely hurts the self esteem and is hard on my mind.
That being said, my year pmo free was amazing, I'm in love and learned so much about myself. I've been incredibly happy.
So back on the horse! Let's turn some stopping stones into stepping stones.
Squid
Cracking the habit loop:
The loop is always the same. So I will plan for it. Find it's weaknesses and build new habits. I have no outside schedule, so it's been extremely challenging to be disciplined.
1. Stay up late around 1-4 am and wake up late between 10 and 3pm
2. Starting each day like I think it's going to be the same as yesterday. Getting some quick food and sitting down to play some solo games. I think to myself that I'll only play a few but I set no timer and don't really mean that thought.
3. Play all day with only one or two breaks for food and bathroom.
4. Feel bad about not living up to my values
5. Think about and stress about the habit loop in my mind a lot. This creates feelings of depression and great distress.
1. I think I can make headway by setting a bedtime of midnight and waking up at 9.
2. I need to set timers and control my playtime. That might be a break or time restricted. I want to play with friends. When I binge and wig out playing games all day, I'm not having fun. Games should be fun.
3. Most importantly, I need to think about and plan and do things that are of the highest value to me. Getting a job is # 1 then comes fitness
4. Stay loose, stay happy, be flexible. My life is still awesome and I have so many great things going for me. Life is tough, I just need to be a little more disciplined like I have been in the past and my mood will improve. Thinking never changes emotions. Actions do that. Let's go get it!
squid
The loop is always the same. So I will plan for it. Find it's weaknesses and build new habits. I have no outside schedule, so it's been extremely challenging to be disciplined.
1. Stay up late around 1-4 am and wake up late between 10 and 3pm
2. Starting each day like I think it's going to be the same as yesterday. Getting some quick food and sitting down to play some solo games. I think to myself that I'll only play a few but I set no timer and don't really mean that thought.
3. Play all day with only one or two breaks for food and bathroom.
4. Feel bad about not living up to my values
5. Think about and stress about the habit loop in my mind a lot. This creates feelings of depression and great distress.
1. I think I can make headway by setting a bedtime of midnight and waking up at 9.
2. I need to set timers and control my playtime. That might be a break or time restricted. I want to play with friends. When I binge and wig out playing games all day, I'm not having fun. Games should be fun.
3. Most importantly, I need to think about and plan and do things that are of the highest value to me. Getting a job is # 1 then comes fitness
4. Stay loose, stay happy, be flexible. My life is still awesome and I have so many great things going for me. Life is tough, I just need to be a little more disciplined like I have been in the past and my mood will improve. Thinking never changes emotions. Actions do that. Let's go get it!
squid
Things have been really good. As you know, my main goal was getting a job. I put a lot more effort in the past month and went through three rounds of interviews for a position I was excited about. It was a contract position but had a good chance of becoming permanent. I finally got a job! I got the offer letter and accepted, signed it, and my acceptance was received. I told my friends abd family and celebrated and I was so happy that my job search was over for now. Funny story, about a week after I accepted the offer and a week before I was supposed to start, I got a phone call from my headhunter who represented me in this contract. She told me the bad news. The job fell through, the budget for my position and two others starting with me was taken away by higher ups in the company.
What a mindfuck that was. Crushing disappointment. It's one thing to deal with the constant rejection of the job search but it's another level to be lied to and have the rug pulled out. My girlfriend was very supportive to me during the few days after. She's been amazing, I feel like we were made for each other. I'm on a trip now visiting her family. It's been nice to reset and recharge. Next week I'll get back to the search.
I'm sitting on a beach watching the waves and I had a thought. All it would take for me to feel like I was in control and making progress on the job search and my fitness is less than two hours a day. I could spend more time ues but just two hours of focus every day would make a big difference. That's not so bad.
I haven't had any porn temptations or dreams in a long while, probably a few months. Feels good. My love life is a huge source of happiness to me. Choosing to leave porn behind and to start dating has been the greatest decision I ever made. It was difficult, it took me over ten years to figure it out. But I never stopped. I knew I wanted love and support and a life partner and that porn was getting in the way. I was right, real life is much better. You deserve love my friends, keep putting yourself out there and take someone on a date. Make them feel special.
Sending love from the coast,
Squid
What a mindfuck that was. Crushing disappointment. It's one thing to deal with the constant rejection of the job search but it's another level to be lied to and have the rug pulled out. My girlfriend was very supportive to me during the few days after. She's been amazing, I feel like we were made for each other. I'm on a trip now visiting her family. It's been nice to reset and recharge. Next week I'll get back to the search.
I'm sitting on a beach watching the waves and I had a thought. All it would take for me to feel like I was in control and making progress on the job search and my fitness is less than two hours a day. I could spend more time ues but just two hours of focus every day would make a big difference. That's not so bad.
I haven't had any porn temptations or dreams in a long while, probably a few months. Feels good. My love life is a huge source of happiness to me. Choosing to leave porn behind and to start dating has been the greatest decision I ever made. It was difficult, it took me over ten years to figure it out. But I never stopped. I knew I wanted love and support and a life partner and that porn was getting in the way. I was right, real life is much better. You deserve love my friends, keep putting yourself out there and take someone on a date. Make them feel special
.Sending love from the coast,
Squid
Started a light workout program in the morning. And last night I decided to get to sleep earlier and I feel soooo much better. Getting to sleep before midnight and getting some exercise most days makes a big difference. Also I'm rescuing a kitten this week! Very excited to have some new life in the house.
squid
squid
BlueHeronMk2
New Member
Hey, squid, it's been a long time! I'll have to catch up on your story when I get a chance, but I'm glad to hear things are going well lately.
High five from not the coast!
High five from not the coast!
I've started a new thing a few weeks ago. I decided that I wanted to be fit again. This is not a new goal for the past two years but it is a consistent one. I thought for three hours while taking a bath and journaling. What did I do before, what worked, what didn't? And I realized, I try to change too much at once and I get wrapped up in lots of goals without wanting to start on them in case I mess things up.
In the past, after getting motivated like this I'd make a plan to workout three times a week and try to wake up earlier and eat better. But one or two weeks in I'd feel very uncomfortable and I'd stop and go back to playing videogames most of the day.
I thought about it and going from where I currently am to waking up earlier and working out three times a week is actually a big jump, too big. That's humbling. Just two years ago I hiked over 2,000 mile in one stretch. And now I feel week and sluggish. And that's where I'm at and that's okay. It is okay to be where you are. It's a good place to be.
Then I thought about why I don't exercise consistently.
The answer of course is a habit. My habit of getting lost in virtual worlds playing most of the day meant that I had no time to think, to plan, to train. But it was more than that. My identity needs to change in order to develop the system of habits to get the results I want. Changing identies means changing beliefs and that's a deeper change. It works though it takes time.
So for my first change, I decided to control the window in which I play games. That's it. I started play from when I normally wake up around 11:30 to when I was going to bed around 2:30. I reduced that window by ten minutes on each end every day. Now I play within the window of 1:50pm and midnight. What an improvement over two weeks. A little change makes a big difference over time.
Squid
In the past, after getting motivated like this I'd make a plan to workout three times a week and try to wake up earlier and eat better. But one or two weeks in I'd feel very uncomfortable and I'd stop and go back to playing videogames most of the day.
I thought about it and going from where I currently am to waking up earlier and working out three times a week is actually a big jump, too big. That's humbling. Just two years ago I hiked over 2,000 mile in one stretch. And now I feel week and sluggish. And that's where I'm at and that's okay. It is okay to be where you are. It's a good place to be.
Then I thought about why I don't exercise consistently.
The answer of course is a habit. My habit of getting lost in virtual worlds playing most of the day meant that I had no time to think, to plan, to train. But it was more than that. My identity needs to change in order to develop the system of habits to get the results I want. Changing identies means changing beliefs and that's a deeper change. It works though it takes time.
So for my first change, I decided to control the window in which I play games. That's it. I started play from when I normally wake up around 11:30 to when I was going to bed around 2:30. I reduced that window by ten minutes on each end every day. Now I play within the window of 1:50pm and midnight. What an improvement over two weeks. A little change makes a big difference over time.
Squid
Day 494:
I'm laying on my bed looking out the window where it's raining. It's a warm rain, nice temperatures outside, and a good time for reflection. From time to time I like to come back on the forum and read a few posts. It's not as fun as it used to be because the people I bonded with in the beginning of my journey on here are long gone. Except for blue, he's kind of back in mk2. Good ole blue. I appreciate everyone like him who takes the time to post and reply to others. That's where the magic of community happens.
Someday I'd like to write up my thoughts on how to leave pmo behind. So I'm going to write those thoughts here over time and then compile them in the future.
Those of you that have been reading from the beginning will know that it took me well over ten years to figure it out. I'd given up many times but I always knew deep inside that pmo wasn't for me. Like a lot of people on here, I was raised religiously. Probably more than most. All of my education was done in churches and from a young age, I was taught to wait until marriage to have sex. I was going through puberty and since real sex was off limits, I gravitated to porn, something I had stumbled upon by accident around 11.
From 12-16 I had tremendous mental stress about an activity I wanted to quit and found shameful but I couldn't. I received advice to read the bible, to move closer to God and in that way I will move away from porn.
That shit didn't work and caused me as a young man incredible stress and pain. That sort of advice is dangerous.
Here's what I've learned in the 15 years since I first encountered porn. Porn is a form of escape. It is extremely powerful because it subverts the mechanism your body uses to reproduce. It takes that drive and energy that could be spent finding a mate and having children and gives it to sleezy corporations trying to make money. That's sad.
I'm running out of time to write today but I also want to talk about how I've been successful in my pmo free journey. I'll go into more detail later. But the short answer is this. I wanted to be deeply in love, to have sex frequently, and to have a lover I can travel the world with. I stopped pmo, I stopped hiding. Over time, this allowed me to make new choices. I put myself out there and started dating. It was hard and confusing and I felt like I had an embarrassing little amount of sexual experience. But you know, a girl that likes you for you, won't care about that. One thing leads to another and now I'm in the best relationship of my life. The needs that led me to pmo are now being met in a healthy way full of love and acceptance. It was worth it leaving pmo and getting in a place where I was able to be myself. Trust yourself, love yourself, you can do anything you really want. Life isn't that long, get out there while you can.
-Squid
I'm laying on my bed looking out the window where it's raining. It's a warm rain, nice temperatures outside, and a good time for reflection. From time to time I like to come back on the forum and read a few posts. It's not as fun as it used to be because the people I bonded with in the beginning of my journey on here are long gone. Except for blue, he's kind of back in mk2. Good ole blue. I appreciate everyone like him who takes the time to post and reply to others. That's where the magic of community happens.
Someday I'd like to write up my thoughts on how to leave pmo behind. So I'm going to write those thoughts here over time and then compile them in the future.
Those of you that have been reading from the beginning will know that it took me well over ten years to figure it out. I'd given up many times but I always knew deep inside that pmo wasn't for me. Like a lot of people on here, I was raised religiously. Probably more than most. All of my education was done in churches and from a young age, I was taught to wait until marriage to have sex. I was going through puberty and since real sex was off limits, I gravitated to porn, something I had stumbled upon by accident around 11.
From 12-16 I had tremendous mental stress about an activity I wanted to quit and found shameful but I couldn't. I received advice to read the bible, to move closer to God and in that way I will move away from porn.
That shit didn't work and caused me as a young man incredible stress and pain. That sort of advice is dangerous.
Here's what I've learned in the 15 years since I first encountered porn. Porn is a form of escape. It is extremely powerful because it subverts the mechanism your body uses to reproduce. It takes that drive and energy that could be spent finding a mate and having children and gives it to sleezy corporations trying to make money. That's sad.
I'm running out of time to write today but I also want to talk about how I've been successful in my pmo free journey. I'll go into more detail later. But the short answer is this. I wanted to be deeply in love, to have sex frequently, and to have a lover I can travel the world with. I stopped pmo, I stopped hiding. Over time, this allowed me to make new choices. I put myself out there and started dating. It was hard and confusing and I felt like I had an embarrassing little amount of sexual experience. But you know, a girl that likes you for you, won't care about that. One thing leads to another and now I'm in the best relationship of my life. The needs that led me to pmo are now being met in a healthy way full of love and acceptance. It was worth it leaving pmo and getting in a place where I was able to be myself. Trust yourself, love yourself, you can do anything you really want. Life isn't that long, get out there while you can.
-Squid
Hey Squid,
Your journal was probably the most influential to me when i started my journey. To be sure I'm still in the midst of it, but the most striking thing you said was that your needs that porn was filling are now being met in a healthy way. Everything I have read and seen recently has pointed to that, that to break a habit you need to make a habit and meet the needs PMO is meeting with something else.
In the past two weeks I started working out religiously, and granted I am only on day 10 right now, but it has never been this easy. Not that I think it's going to be a breeze or anything, but I think I have found the need that was going unmet. Your post really reinforced that for me, seeing your success story and what you affirm as your reason for success.
I'm truly happy for you that you've moved forward in life, it was really incredible to read your journey. I wish the best for you and yours.
Your journal was probably the most influential to me when i started my journey. To be sure I'm still in the midst of it, but the most striking thing you said was that your needs that porn was filling are now being met in a healthy way. Everything I have read and seen recently has pointed to that, that to break a habit you need to make a habit and meet the needs PMO is meeting with something else.
In the past two weeks I started working out religiously, and granted I am only on day 10 right now, but it has never been this easy. Not that I think it's going to be a breeze or anything, but I think I have found the need that was going unmet. Your post really reinforced that for me, seeing your success story and what you affirm as your reason for success.
I'm truly happy for you that you've moved forward in life, it was really incredible to read your journey. I wish the best for you and yours.
wwalker19 said:
Thanks walker, that's very kind. I posted on your journal, keep up the good work! One thing I'll say is to be careful not to go too hard in the beginning. Be very kind to yourself and be okay if every day isn't productive. I remember from my goals in the past I would start out doing a lot each day then I'd burn out and quit and then restart etc.
Far better I think to start very small and improve a little each day. That's been helpful to me. I think the reason it works is because we can tell ourselves, "I can do that, I basically already did it yesterday, I'm the type of person who does that".
squid
Chris Oz
Well-Known Member
Squid your journey is very much similar with mine. I was brought up too in a Christian way and since I had limits in getting a girlfriend or having sex before marriage, I also gravitated towards sex out of curiosity and maybe puberty. It probably wouldn't have gotten worse if I hadn't been kind of abused and introduced I to it without any form of warning or education about it... But again that's how most people have it.
I still hold on to the ideas about not having having sex before marriage and staying strong and hopeful in fellowship with God. But I am pretty much open with the idea of having a partner along the way even though I don't know how that would help my urges or keep me from not having sex.
All I can say is that it just feels natural to have a partner who you love and loves you back in the journey of life. I gotta get better in my work, fix my life and hopefully get married as soon as I can, and I'm trusting God to guide me and show him to do that along the way. But hey Love is all we need,have and can depend on.
I fully agree with what you said about the finding yourself without PMO. I feel that as I recover, I will make tremendous progress in my personal life.
I look forward to finding and having someone I truly love and improving my life so much, just as you have done.
Chris
I still hold on to the ideas about not having having sex before marriage and staying strong and hopeful in fellowship with God. But I am pretty much open with the idea of having a partner along the way even though I don't know how that would help my urges or keep me from not having sex.
All I can say is that it just feels natural to have a partner who you love and loves you back in the journey of life. I gotta get better in my work, fix my life and hopefully get married as soon as I can, and I'm trusting God to guide me and show him to do that along the way. But hey Love is all we need,have and can depend on.
I fully agree with what you said about the finding yourself without PMO. I feel that as I recover, I will make tremendous progress in my personal life.
I look forward to finding and having someone I truly love and improving my life so much, just as you have done.
Chris
Chris Oz said:
Thanks for the reply Chris! I don't mean to bash religion, just explaining my personal experiences. I think you're right about the value of a partner in life. I think covid has made that even more clear to me. What should have be the worse year of my life has been the best because of all the time we had to grow our relationship.
The most important thing about finding that partner is putting yourself out there. Go on lots of first dates, that worked for me. Went on a few second dates but you can almost always tell if you want a relationship with the person within a few.
squid
Feeling grateful. Suns shining outside and I'm listening to music as I apply to jobs. Little changes I made two months ago to when I played videos games has trickled down to many great new habits. The tortoise beats the hare every time. Quick surges and burnouts always lose to the patient long slow deliberate mover.