Kraken's journal

[Kraken]

Things I am:

I'm an impessario:  I organize people and create magic.  This past week, I organized 5 friends from around the world to play dungeons and dragons regularly.  Nobody picked me, I wanted to play and I picked myself to make it happen.

I'm a blogger:  I written over 600 posts on my journal/blog and tens of thousands of you have read my words.  Thank you.  I've been where some of you've been and I've felt some of your pain.  I've had some really hard times in the past and I'm happy to share bits of things that worked for me.

I'm a professional: I've worked for national brands at different headquarters and made an impact through my curiosity, my initiative, and my hard work. 

I'm fit:  I hiked 2,200 miles consequently.  Through rain, storms, floods and fire, I put on my sweaty clothes and climbed huge mountains every day for half a year.  I never quit, I never got hurt, and I never stopped.  I'm indomitable.

I speak Korean:  I can carry conversations about what to order in restaurants, things in the home, and things to talk about with friends.  I know 400 words, 15 sentence structures, and have had a hundred conversations with native speakers. 

These are facts.  They are the opposite of what my brain tells me most of the time.  That's a shame because the truth is, most of the things I want to do I am very capable of doing.  In fact, I'm probably overqualified.


It's time for some new stories in our heads.  Stories about action, about art, about contribution, about ability and possibility. 

-squid

 

[Gabe Deem]

Squid, just wanted to drop in and say your last post inspired me. Thank you.

I was recently in a negative self-talk loop a few weeks ago and I've been trying to tell myself positive things that are true.

Anyways, proud of your progress. Keep making those small changes, one day at a time. Keep truckin' and much love!

 

[Kraken]

Squid, just wanted to drop in and say your last post inspired me. Thank you.

I was recently in a negative self-talk loop a few weeks ago and I've been trying to tell myself positive things that are true.

Anyways, proud of your progress. Keep making those small changes, one day at a time. Keep truckin' and much love!

Thanks Gabe!  Also I'd like to say I really appreciate the work you do maintaining the form.  It's been very helpful to me and I'm in a much better place because of it.

 

[Kraken]

Ladies and gentlemen...  I got a job!!!!!  After searching for 11 months and going through hundreds of rejections I landed a job that I really like.  Granted I just started this week but the industry, the size of the company, the culture, what type of work I'm doing, the pay are all exactly what I was searching for.  I didn't have to settle!  I credit my ability to live off the small amount from unemployment for so long to my not having debt and being financially responsible in the past.  I'm glad I was.

Before I got this job, I had many close calls where it was between me or one other candidate.  This was frustrating and I was getting demotivated.  So I did a series of 5 informational interviews with professionals in my field that I knew and asked them for advice on searching but mostly on specific interviews prep.  I even talked to one person who didn't hire me.  People are willing to help and love to talk about their work.  The feedback I got was to be more confident in my ability to get the work done. 

I'm a humble guy and one of my weaknesses is downplaying my skill and knowledge.  In order to improve this weaknesses, I prepared a lot more for the interview, did some vocal warm ups and power poses literally and, as a result, I came across very confident and capable.  I got the job.

Don't give up, get some new knowledge and try in a different way.

squid

 

[Chris Oz]

Congrats Squid,this is a big win to us as much as it is to you. It tells that with a little bit of persistence, faith and confidence in the process,things will work out. Never settle

Thanks man and congrats again.

 

[Kraken]

Congrats Squid,this is a big win to us as much as it is to us. It tells that with a little bit of persistence, faith and confidence in the process,things will work out. Never settle

Thanks man and congrats again.

Thanks Chris!

 

[Sanders]

Congratulations on finally finding your dream job Really great you've managed to get one despite all the difficulties you've faced. I've been sending on average about 2 job applications a day for half a year now, this gives me a bit of hope.

I hope you'll enjoy the job as much and may it give you some strength and meaning.

 

[Kraken]

Congratulations on finally finding your dream job Really great you've managed to get one despite all the difficulties you've faced. I've been sending on average about 2 job applications a day for half a year now, this gives me a bit of hope.

Hang in there Sanders!  It took me 10 months.  Reaching out to experts in my field that I knew for advice really helped.  You don't have to do it alone.  90% of jobs are found because of a connection.

I hope you'll enjoy the job as much and may it give you some strength and meaning.

 

[Do or die]

Congratulations

 

[Kraken]

Moved in with my girlfriend!  The start of a beautiful new chapter.  Sending you all good vibes and support!

-squid

 

[anubu0]

Congrats squid! Best of luck with everything.

 

[Kraken]

Wishing you all well.  Things have been good for me.  This new chapter of my life all started when I committed to my reboot in July of 2019.  Not the first time I told myself I wanted to quit porn, ot was probably the 7,000th time.  But the first time I got help and accountability and made steps to build better habits.  That makes a difference.  It's tough but it's worth it. 

 

[Do or die]

Wish you all the best squid.

 

[Robert7M]

Me it happened to me too.
Especially when I was out of P. I have an Xbox at home, and when I start playing it I can not stop, it's like that I couldn't click stop in my brain. when I have hours to catch up on my lessons.
For almost a month this has not happened to me anymore because I made the decision not to play it for a while, to play it only during the holidays.
From my free time I give it to visiting friends to have a good time (party, simple visit, tell stories, laugh, eat, etc.) and to read, to do things a little more constructive.
At the beginning, it was not easy but after some effort, I got there.

Greetings!

 

[Kraken]

Me it happened to me too.
Especially when I was out of P. I have an Xbox at home, and when I start playing it I can not stop, it's like that I couldn't click stop in my brain. when I have hours to catch up on my lessons.
For almost a month this has not happened to me anymore because I made the decision not to play it for a while, to play it only during the holidays.
From my free time I give it to visiting friends to have a good time (party, simple visit, tell stories, laugh, eat, etc.) and to read, to do things a little more constructive.
At the beginning, it was not easy but after some effort, I got there.

Greetings!

Thanks Robert!  How timely, I've been thinking about taking a look at my gaming habit again.  It takes so much time and isn't that fun anymore most of the time.

squid

 

[Kraken]

I did a bit of reading of my journal from last year when I did my gaming reboot.  It lasted a week then I played with my friend then I gave up the reboot and went back to old habits.  Throughout the reboot I had some wonderful days.  When I quit it, I said I wanted a better attitude.  But my attitude during the reboot was fantastic and very positive.  I thought that was interesting.

Since last year my hiding habit has improved a lot.  I now consistently go to bed around 11:30pm and wake up around 7:30am.  That took a while to make a habit but now it's not something I think about, it's a habit.  Which is awesome, that was a big goal of mine.

Last year I thought that I hid to sabotage my call to adventure because I was scared of success and being in a position to let people down like my father did when I was a kid. 

This year, I understand more.  The reason behind my hiding is a lack of trust in myself or because I don't believe I deserve to achieve my goal.  I consistently throw the game, even when my hand is loaded with winning combinations.  That's a shame.

The truth is, I'm a better version of myself when I'm making progress and achieving goals that matter to me.  I'm more optimistic, I'm motivating to other, I bring people together and create positive momentum beyond myself.  The people I love really want me to achieve my goals whatever there are. 

I'm afraid to become great and let people down, but the thing is, I'm already great, and by not trusting myself, I am letting people down.
What a powerful thought. 

So here's my new intention: I am going to make choices that support my being the strongest version of myself.  Because half adding my dreams isn't helping anyone.  And I love helping. 

All that being said.  There are some tactical things I noticed as well.  I self sabotage/hide by getting in my head.  When I am in my head, I don't know that I am.  When I am in my head, my thoughts go in a loop and the longer I am in my head, the longer it takes to get out.

My usual methods for getting in my head are the following:
Reading cnn and google news on my phone
Playing overwatch or a steam game alone without voice comms
Sitting down for extreme periods without breaks
Not drinking water or eating healthy foods
Not messaging or texting anyone
Not making my bed or tidying up after meals
Not trying at work

The best ways I've found to get out of my head:
Going for a walk
Listening to a motivational video or book
Cleaning my apartment
Working out
Messaging, talking to or calling a friend or family member
Taking a bath
Journaling

 

[Kraken]

My old goals:
Learn Korean - Now that I'm in a committed relationship, jetting off to Korea for grad school isn't as attractive.  Also, the pressure from trying to force myself to learn even though deep down I didn't really want to, was hurting me.
Run a marathon - I've never liked running.  I chose this goal because a friend was doing a marathon near my house and I thought it would be cool.  It got cancelled due to covid.  I learned a lot about running and ran further than I ever had before.  But I still don't like running. 
Hike the PCT in 2021 - Covid cancelled this too.
Write a hiking blog - I actually did this.  Got a bunch of posts and pictures up and it looked pretty good.  I just didn't know where to take it from there.  Writing recaps of my local hikes was just kind of boring.


My new goal:
Specific - I will become more fit for backpacking and weightlifting, have healthy triglycerides and cholesterol numbers, lose 25 pounds and weigh 180lbs by the time of my physical in July through following my workout plan that I made with my PT, following my meal guidelines I made with my doctor, and through working with my gf to make our household more active and healthy food focused.  My video game habit, tendency to get overwhelmed and stuck in my head, my office worker job, and working from home alone full time are all obstacles.  My main reason for this goal is to be able to perform and interact with people as the strongest version of myself.  I'm just better, happier, and more awesome when I am active.

Measurable - I will keep a food diary and monitor what I eat compared to my doctor's recommendations.  I will keep a workout log and record my workouts.  I've been advised not to measure my weight.  I will plan 1 active activity with my gf a month and measure that on our calendar.  In July I will have a full physical to measure all of my physical numbers and weight.

Achievable - This goal is very important to me.  It is a foundation goal that I will be able to build off of to create a more active and joyful life.  In order to make it more achievable, I need to shift my focus from doing the minimum to going the extra mile.  I need to recenter myself every day and remind myself of this direction.  My old habits are strong and without focus, I tend to go back to playing games until I'm numb and grouchy and the whole plan is weakened.  So in order to make my plan more achievable, I am recruiting my friend and my gf to be accountability partners and I'm going to journal one sentence a day, here or in my paper journal about why I'm getting fit.

Relevant - This goal ties into my long term goals nicely.  Long term, I want to do another long distance hike, I want to be present and joyful and being in good health really helps with that.  I want to have more energy and support my future health and well being.

Time-bound - By the time of my physical in late July.

 

[Kraken]

This weekend I've been apart from my gf for the first time in months.  We are both visiting family.  I really miss her.  It's been nice to get out of my normal routine for a few days.  I really appreciate everything I have.  It's been a long road to get here and I feel like I have a great foundation for any dreams I want to pursue.

Today for fitness, I want to have two fruits and one veggie in addition to a walk with the dog.  I know I can do it.  If I have time when I get home to workout that'd be awesome but I'm not sure if I will have time so I'll plan on going tomorrow.

Peace,

squid

 

[Kraken]

I had strawberries and an apple yesterday in addition to some green beans so that was great!  Looking forward to continuing the momentum today and also doing a workout. 

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Way to go man! Really cool to see you really made solid progress and though life always has challenges and requires hard work it feels like you "made it" .

Keep it up, the weight loss sounds like a great idea and nice insights for you realize when your old goals weren't really as important to you as you thought - and then getting goals that are more important to you.

Weight loss is a GREAT one - as fitness makes everything else better. Having less fat on the body changes the bodies chemistry in a positive way. Less inflamation, higher testosterone, more energy all great stuff