Kraken's journal
- Thread starter Kraken
- Start date
Been having a bit of trouble the past few weeks. I haven't done any pmo, however, I have been fantasizing before bed some nights and the other day, a news article I was reading referenced the hot tub meta on twitch so I went to see what that was and ended up looking at a girl in a bikini for a few minutes. The worst bit in my mind is that I went back to look at her Twitter a few days later and clicked her only fans link to see what that was. I couldn't see anything on there since I'm not a member so I left.
In general, I've been struggling with believing in myself and I've been getting depressed most days as I work from home. I feel like I have a lot of thoughts and actions bottled up inside without any outlet. I've been playing a lot more video games, which is what I do when I'm stressed. My gf noticed all this and we had a talk and she's concerned about me. I've become irritable more often and she gets afraid of communicating what we have to do in fear that I will shut down because I'm overwhelmed.
I took the step yesterday of looking up some therapist. I have a lot of childhood experiences that really bothered my that I've never addressed. I feel like talking to a pro would be helpful.
I have a good life, I just feel like I'm floating along a lot. My gf mentioned that I am really hard on myself and that I don't seem to believe in myself. That got me thinking.
What do I want? I want to lost 20 lbs and train regularly for the PCT, which I want to hike in 10 months. I also want to blog. Making progress in those two areas would be very motivating to me, I've just been scared to get started. I'm a bit burned from last year when I had these three clear goals and internalized that I failed them all. That's not really true through, I fell in love last year and accomplished things with my gf that I've only dreamed of.
In general, I hesitate to become my best self because I don't want people to rely on me and then for me to let them down. My dad did that to me and it was rough. I know that line of thought isn't logical but it's what I feel.
Of course, getting more fit and blogging would actually motivate me and my gf and create some really positive experiences. If I then take a break or quit, it doesn't harm anyone. But not doing what makes me happy and instead procrastinating by playing many hours of video games a day makes me irritable and does create a degree of harm to those that love me.
We are in it together my friends,
squid
In general, I've been struggling with believing in myself and I've been getting depressed most days as I work from home. I feel like I have a lot of thoughts and actions bottled up inside without any outlet. I've been playing a lot more video games, which is what I do when I'm stressed. My gf noticed all this and we had a talk and she's concerned about me. I've become irritable more often and she gets afraid of communicating what we have to do in fear that I will shut down because I'm overwhelmed.
I took the step yesterday of looking up some therapist. I have a lot of childhood experiences that really bothered my that I've never addressed. I feel like talking to a pro would be helpful.
I have a good life, I just feel like I'm floating along a lot. My gf mentioned that I am really hard on myself and that I don't seem to believe in myself. That got me thinking.
What do I want? I want to lost 20 lbs and train regularly for the PCT, which I want to hike in 10 months. I also want to blog. Making progress in those two areas would be very motivating to me, I've just been scared to get started. I'm a bit burned from last year when I had these three clear goals and internalized that I failed them all. That's not really true through, I fell in love last year and accomplished things with my gf that I've only dreamed of.
In general, I hesitate to become my best self because I don't want people to rely on me and then for me to let them down. My dad did that to me and it was rough. I know that line of thought isn't logical but it's what I feel.
Of course, getting more fit and blogging would actually motivate me and my gf and create some really positive experiences. If I then take a break or quit, it doesn't harm anyone. But not doing what makes me happy and instead procrastinating by playing many hours of video games a day makes me irritable and does create a degree of harm to those that love me.
We are in it together my friends,
squid
The past week, I had three times I pmo'd to Netflix and Swimsuit pictures. It has been a very stressful past few weeks of holiday travel, a Covid booster that made me feel since the next day and feeling anxious about visiting my fiance's family for Christmas since one of her family members is immunocompromised.
Besides the occasional struggle moment, I've had my best year on record. I proposed to my gf in November and have been doing wedding planning. I'm happier than I've ever been, I just had a few weak moments that I don't want to spiral from.
Hope all of you are having a wonderful holiday period.
Besides the occasional struggle moment, I've had my best year on record. I proposed to my gf in November and have been doing wedding planning. I'm happier than I've ever been, I just had a few weak moments that I don't want to spiral from.
Hope all of you are having a wonderful holiday period.
Congrats on the proposal, man! I'm in the midst of wedding planning too, so I understand the stresses but also the excitement that comes with it! It sounds like you've had a great year, and are in a really good place. Hopefully you don't feel too bad about the small Netflix/Swimsuit relapse, but don't let that suck you back in or re-establish old bad habits - it's too easy to let that happen. Recognizing what happened and trying to adjust to make some changes is what matters! Rooting for ya!
Hey dopaminer, I appreciate the reply!
Unfortunately I am starting to slip back into old habits. My stress levels have been higher than ever the past two years due to leaving for a 5 month backpacking trip with my fiancé . We leave in less than three months and there is an enormous amount of change about to happen. My relapses have been gradual but picking up in the past few weeks. Always around 1:30pm and thankfully nothing hardcore but still I want to be moving away from these old habits.
I’ve had a ton of success and awesome things happen when I stayed away from porn and I am going to continue to do so. I slip sometimes but way less than I used to and less intensely.
I need to figure out better ways to manage this peak stress time. There will always be periods in life when stress peaks and I want another option besides pmo to release it. I am going to try writing out my feelings and emotions in a journal.
Thank you all for trying to live better lives, we are doing this one day at a time.
squid
Hey I am back! I have a ton of catching up here to do. Major changes in my life the past year and last year was the most difficult I’ve had to date. Unfortunately I have fallen back into old pmo habits the past three months into the video and hardcore stuff gradually over that time period.
My fiancé and I had a heart to heart about it and she encouraged me to get back on the forums and I thought that was a great idea because my time on the forums was instrumental in me staying away from most pmo and all of the hardcore video stuff for three years.
Here’s a hot tip you already know: “hiding your struggle and not doing anything about it leads to more struggle”. Lol
So I’m back and over the coming weeks I’ll fill you in on everything. We went on our hike on the PCT that we had planned for two years and it was horrible. So much pain, suffering and even betrayal from some friends I thought were good friends who literally left me in the dust in the California desert when I needed them the most.
We stopped hiking after six weeks and then stayed with different family for a while because we gave up our apartment. Then I conducted the most intense job search ever and both of us actually got way better jobs than we left. And then we moved to Colorado all while planning our wedding. It was a busy year and really stressful.
My goal for this upcoming week to take care of my physical and mental health. Right now both are very weak but I know with the right attention they can grow incredibly strong.
I’m looking forward to catching up on everyone’s journals!
Kraken
My fiancé and I had a heart to heart about it and she encouraged me to get back on the forums and I thought that was a great idea because my time on the forums was instrumental in me staying away from most pmo and all of the hardcore video stuff for three years.
Here’s a hot tip you already know: “hiding your struggle and not doing anything about it leads to more struggle”. Lol
So I’m back and over the coming weeks I’ll fill you in on everything. We went on our hike on the PCT that we had planned for two years and it was horrible. So much pain, suffering and even betrayal from some friends I thought were good friends who literally left me in the dust in the California desert when I needed them the most.
We stopped hiking after six weeks and then stayed with different family for a while because we gave up our apartment. Then I conducted the most intense job search ever and both of us actually got way better jobs than we left. And then we moved to Colorado all while planning our wedding. It was a busy year and really stressful.
My goal for this upcoming week to take care of my physical and mental health. Right now both are very weak but I know with the right attention they can grow incredibly strong.
I’m looking forward to catching up on everyone’s journals!
Kraken
Friday was a solid day: I did a 30 minute peloton ride and did an hour hike after work. It’s amazing how recharging hiking is. The. In the evening I played some Age of Empires 3 definitive with a good friend and it was awesome. Saturday went well too, I rested, did a little picking up around the house, long walk with my dog and called family. In the evening I played some CIV 6 with a friend I hadn’t heard from in a long time.
Things I’m noticing: a little more exercise and movement goes a long way in helping my mood and entertain levels. Additionally, I reached out to three therapists because I feel that is it time to invest in my mental health. A little scary but I’m excited that I have the strength to take this step that I did not have previously.
Wishing you all peace, happiness and good vibes,
Kraken
Things I’m noticing: a little more exercise and movement goes a long way in helping my mood and entertain levels. Additionally, I reached out to three therapists because I feel that is it time to invest in my mental health. A little scary but I’m excited that I have the strength to take this step that I did not have previously.
Wishing you all peace, happiness and good vibes,
Kraken
Great day today. An hour long walk with my dog, played CIV with a friend, cleaned up the apartment, worked out and had dinner with my fiancé. Listened to The Strangest Secret by Earl Nightingale. It’s a classic. We become what we think about. Consult with a therapist coming up on Wednesday, I’m proud of that.
Kraken
Kraken
Today is going well, pretty normal workday, had a nice walk with my dog at lunch. I’ve been listening to audiobooks about nutrition and joyful eating. It’s been very informative and I started doing that based on an idea from the Strangest Secret book. The author recommended to use your subconscious mind in order to solve problems. The way to do that is to define the problem, consciously think of all the ideas and solutions. The. Go and learn about how other people approach the problem. Then forget about it for at least 25 hours and do something else, and the answer should appear.
I’m running low on energy at the end of the workday so I’m going to do a short workout and then finish up work afterwards.
Kraken
I’m running low on energy at the end of the workday so I’m going to do a short workout and then finish up work afterwards.
Kraken
Today was actually really awesome. My fiancé had off work today and this time I focused on getting my work done quickly and I was able to go on a hike with her after work which was amazing and fun. She was surprised because in the past I procrastinated and we didn’t go on weekdays often. But I had good energy from my workouts and eating slightly more vegetables and it was awesome. Work went well too, it was busy but I enjoyed it.
Upwards,
Kraken
Upwards,
Kraken
Also I forgot to mention, today we met with a real estate agent and are going to start looking at houses. It’s super exciting. I am getting more used to being out here and as I get more connected to the community in my new place it will only get better I think. I will admit at first it was tough and a bit lonely, moving to where we don’t really know anyone. But it’s also the first time I moved somewhere solely because I wanted to live there, and that feels special.
Having a great morning so far. Yesterday went well in general. My friend didn’t show up when we were supposed to game together and that was a little disappointing. I also didn’t work out yesterday and ate a lot of processed foods but I am very proud of setting up therapy so the day was definitely a victory.
I like to focus on the positives in my journal because it helps me. But I want to be clear to my readers that there have been really tough times the last year and the beginning of this year. Using hardcore video p after over three years free of it was mentality extremely difficult. However, being back on this forum fills me with hope and I feel confident because I focus on my past successes; not my past failures.
Here to win,
Kraken
I like to focus on the positives in my journal because it helps me. But I want to be clear to my readers that there have been really tough times the last year and the beginning of this year. Using hardcore video p after over three years free of it was mentality extremely difficult. However, being back on this forum fills me with hope and I feel confident because I focus on my past successes; not my past failures.
Here to win,
Kraken
Very busy work day today, I wasn’t able to get everything I wanted to do but it’s okay, it’s impossible to finish everything. Looking forward to a relaxing weekend celebrating Valentine’s Day! A few slight urges this afternoon but nothing too bad.
Sending you all the best and hope you have a fantastic weekend,
Kraken
Sending you all the best and hope you have a fantastic weekend,
Kraken
Super unexpectedly busy workday. Got a little tempted to pmo in the afternoon but I stayed strong. Went to the gym with my fiancé and then on the apartment hot tub after dinner and it was a nice way to relax. My plan is less screen time tomorrow, I’ve been going a little too much on civ the past few days. It’s been fun though, great game and way more chill than many others.
Super busy work day today but it’s been enjoyable. I did a nice walk this afternoon with my fiancé and our dog and really enjoyed the sunshine. It’s been warmer outside recently. I’ve been doing one calm app mediation each night to help me fall asleep and that has been very helpful. Previously I would often fantasize in my head pmo style thoughts to help myself fall asleep and I am trying a more healthy alternative!
Kraken
Kraken
