Kraken's journal

[achilles heel]

I can relate a lot to not taking care of the problem anymore and falling back into old habits. It seems like your life is heading in a great direction in general, but we have a life long task of staying alert and living with caution due to our addiction. You had incredible success before and will be back on track of long term abstinence soon enough, no doubt about it!

 

[Kraken]

i want to challenge myself to try out this calm app you’re talking about. i think that’s a great observation about how previously you had pmo style thoughts as you tried going to sleep. definitely something i didn’t think about until you mentioned it.

chap

Yeah and funny enough the last things you think about before asleep kind of marinate overnight and have an outsized impact over the next few days in my experience. The calm app has a free version and a paid version so you should definitely at least give the free one a try! Start with a real small one like 3-5 minutes long and work up from there. I like doing it before bed but you can also do it anytime you feel stressed or tempted.

 

[Kraken]

I can relate a lot to not taking care of the problem anymore and falling back into old habits. It seems like your life is heading in a great direction in general, but we have a life long task of staying alert and living with caution due to our addiction. You had incredible success before and will be back on track of long term abstinence soon enough, no doubt about it!

Thank Achilles, I appreciate that. I know you’ve been there too. I think it’s amazing how old your journal is, incredible longevity and you’ve made tons of progress and inspired many.

 

[Kraken]

Solid day today but super busy, I’m not used to being so busy at work. But it looks like things are starting to calm down again which is good. I played in an organized scrim with some friends tonight and it was a ton of fun! I think I over did it a little with how much screen time I’ve had today and how little outside time I’ve had. But it was so nice to play games with others and be more social in that setting.

No urges or anything today. Tomorrow I have my first therapy appointment and I’ll admit I’m a bit nervous about it but also proud that I’m going. I’ve said it before, going alone is not a great strategy. Never worked for me before.

Thank you so much everyone who replied to my journal! That really means a lot to me. Keep up the good work everyone! @achilles heel @chap

Kraken

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

It's true that if after trying for a significant amount of time, we're still struggling, it means we need to think about finding some people who could help. This is something that nobody seems to convince me to do even though it's obvious I'm being stubborn in the wrong place. There are all sorts of reasons given by people and I've heard all sorts of reasons, including mine, of course. But I've realized in all those, let's say 7 years, of trying actually pretty much in vain with very little success (that's the period since I've found out about my porn addiction) is that what I've been missing in all those years was some actual support (or love? or compassion?) from actual physical people. I'm admitting that a forum community as this one is better than not having one at all but it can't replace an actual present person in your life and that's what I've been absolutely missing because I have no friends and no partner, pretty much I only have my parents these days and they don't give me any support with my alcohol addiction and mental health issues that they know about. I'm not asking for actual strategies, I understand that not everyone who is not a doctor or former addict can be able to do, but I miss the "hugs" you know what I mean? I mean, my parents and I have a good relationship, there is no problem between us but I lack the support from them and the encouragement to have an open discussion. That's probably they don't know about my porn addiction. The gap between generations in my country is really that big, I feel like I'm speaking to someone from fuckin ancient Egypt, the subject of sex is absolutely not discuss at all in my family that I could not bring myself to tell them about my porn addiction even drunk. But I've told them everything else, while being drunk, without porn addiction. The situation is so ridiculous that even in that fuckin state where I can say absolutely everything I couldn't mention my porn problem. Anyway, man, enough with the rant. What I want to say is that I encourage your decision to look for help if you think you can't do it alone, there is actually no shame in this. Maybe the reason why I'm not seeking therapy for my porn addiction (or SA for that matter) is because I'm "afraid" my parents are gon find out? It's fuckin ridiculous. But maybe I still could fake it and say I'm going to therapy for my anxiety? That could do the trick but I couldn't explain SA.

 

[Androg]

It sounds like you really need someone to speak with in order to help reach a new plateau. There are online porn support groups. That might be a start. There are also in-person meetings, and there may be one in your area. Do some research.

 

[Kraken]

It's true that if after trying for a significant amount of time, we're still struggling, it means we need to think about finding some people who could help. This is something that nobody seems to convince me to do even though it's obvious I'm being stubborn in the wrong place. There are all sorts of reasons given by people and I've heard all sorts of reasons, including mine, of course. But I've realized in all those, let's say 7 years, of trying actually pretty much in vain with very little success (that's the period since I've found out about my porn addiction) is that what I've been missing in all those years was some actual support (or love? or compassion?) from actual physical people. I'm admitting that a forum community as this one is better than not having one at all but it can't replace an actual present person in your life and that's what I've been absolutely missing because I have no friends and no partner, pretty much I only have my parents these days and they don't give me any support with my alcohol addiction and mental health issues that they know about. I'm not asking for actual strategies, I understand that not everyone who is not a doctor or former addict can be able to do, but I miss the "hugs" you know what I mean? I mean, my parents and I have a good relationship, there is no problem between us but I lack the support from them and the encouragement to have an open discussion. That's probably they don't know about my porn addiction. The gap between generations in my country is really that big, I feel like I'm speaking to someone from fuckin ancient Egypt, the subject of sex is absolutely not discuss at all in my family that I could not bring myself to tell them about my porn addiction even drunk. But I've told them everything else, while being drunk, without porn addiction. The situation is so ridiculous that even in that fuckin state where I can say absolutely everything I couldn't mention my porn problem. Anyway, man, enough with the rant. What I want to say is that I encourage your decision to look for help if you think you can't do it alone, there is actually no shame in this. Maybe the reason why I'm not seeking therapy for my porn addiction (or SA for that matter) is because I'm "afraid" my parents are gon find out? It's fuckin ridiculous. But maybe I still could fake it and say I'm going to therapy for my anxiety? That could do the trick but I couldn't explain SA.

In my country, there are strict laws around your information in therapy and therapists are not allowed to share what you talk about without your explicit permission. If you feel therapy could help you, you should try for yourself.

I don’t think of it like not being able to do it alone. I just know that suffering alone is a stupid strategy that is very unlikely to work. The forum is awesome, especially if you post everyday in my experience and reply to others. But there are other tools too like in person groups, therapy, meditation and other healthy habits like goal setting, nutrition and exercise that help a ton.

Go for it man!

 

[Kraken]

Yesterday was a great day. Therapy went well and actually wasn’t scary at all. I also created a meal plan for the week and got a ton of healthy foods and made a wonderful dinner. Then I watched a movie and had a great night.

 

[chap]

Yeah and funny enough the last things you think about before asleep kind of marinate overnight and have an outsized impact over the next few days in my experience. The calm app has a free version and a paid version so you should definitely at least give the free one a try! Start with a real small one like 3-5 minutes long and work up from there. I like doing it before bed but you can also do it anytime you feel stressed or tempted.

dope i’ll try it out!!

 

[chap]

Yesterday was a great day. Therapy went well and actually wasn’t scary at all. I also created a meal plan for the week and got a ton of healthy foods and made a wonderful dinner. Then I watched a movie and had a great night.

super happy to hear mate! therapy is a great way to navigate your thoughts and feelings with someone to help guide you. kudos to you for creating a meal plan! i need to hop on that too since i’m stuck at a weight i’ve been trying to break for a while. i just love to eat wahhh! also, super happy to hear you watched a movie! what did you watch? i’ve really been wanting to watch something but i haven’t gotten around to it.

i need to cut the screen time on my phone!!

 

[Kraken]

super happy to hear mate! therapy is a great way to navigate your thoughts and feelings with someone to help guide you. kudos to you for creating a meal plan! i need to hop on that too since i’m stuck at a weight i’ve been trying to break for a while. i just love to eat wahhh! also, super happy to hear you watched a movie! what did you watch? i’ve really been wanting to watch something but i haven’t gotten around to it.

i need to cut the screen time on my phone!!

I watched A Company Man which was a Korean film from 2013 that was actually a lot more violent than I expected at first. It was interesting though and had some good interesting deeper themes.

The meal plan has been going well the first two days. I based it off the Mediterranean diet and the Mayo client diet with a sprinkle of a book called the art of eating well.


Losing weight is super difficult, I’ve been stuck at a weight for a while myself. Thanks for your reply chap!

 

[Kraken]

Good day today. Busy but good. Went to the gym with my fiancé, did a family walk together too with the dog and we threw the ball in the park. Stuck with my meal plan for the week and made pita pizza with veggies and it was delightful.

 

[chap]

I watched A Company Man which was a Korean film from 2013 that was actually a lot more violent than I expected at first. It was interesting though and had some good interesting deeper themes.

The meal plan has been going well the first two days. I based it off the Mediterranean diet and the Mayo client diet with a sprinkle of a book called the art of eating well.


Losing weight is super difficult, I’ve been stuck at a weight for a while myself. Thanks for your reply chap!

awesome! korea makes a lot of cool stuff! and wow that sounds really interesting, i’ve never tried to implement mediterranean food into my diet. glad to hear how you’re doing!

 

[Kraken]

Had a great weekend and a solid day today. Picked up around the house and had a cleaner come to help too and got my teeth cleaning done at the dentist. Works been going well, I’m starting to get the hang of things. I mo’d today and it felt good, natural and sustainable. It really doesn’t feel like p at all, it’s kind of odd because it’s a similar thing but not really at all similar.

 

[chap]

kudos to you @Kraken for keeping your day productive! i feel like im getting into that state of flow too—which i find to be relieving, because it means i’m developing a routine and (hopefully) developing good habits.

one question if you don’t mind me asking: when you mo, do you think about anything or anyone, p even? the reason i ask is because i see myself in the future being able to pleasure myself, but not feel like i need p to satisfy me. how long did you abstain from pmo entirely, before you felt it was okay to engage in mo?

sorry if those are too personal, you are not obligated to answer them, but i’d greatly appreciate it if i got to see it from another point of view. cheerio!

 

[Kraken]

kudos to you @Kraken for keeping your day productive! i feel like im getting into that state of flow too—which i find to be relieving, because it means i’m developing a routine and (hopefully) developing good habits.

one question if you don’t mind me asking: when you mo, do you think about anything or anyone, p even? the reason i ask is because i see myself in the future being able to pleasure myself, but not feel like i need p to satisfy me. how long did you abstain from pmo entirely, before you felt it was okay to engage in mo?

sorry if those are too personal, you are not obligated to answer them, but i’d greatly appreciate it if i got to see it from another point of view. cheerio!

Yeah no worries and this is just my experience and everyone is different so take it with a grain of salt. When I mo I don’t think of p, that’s really important. If a p thought comes up I let it drift away. I sort of think sort of don’t really think I guess. I try to focus on feeling and sensation. But also, I imagine things I find pleasurable but don’t dwell on them if that makes sense.

In this community you’ll encounter people who discourage mo but I disagree with that line of thinking. I remember when I hit puberty I asked my doctor if it was possible to do it too much and he kind of laughed and said no. Of course it possible to do too much of anything but the point is that it is a natural and healthy process that many animals do as well.

During my original reboot I don’t quite remember how many times I mo’d, you could look in this thread if your curious but it’s an occasional thing for me usually no more than once a week if that. I also have a lot of sex though. Everyone’s different.

 

[chap]

@Kraken thanks for your input, i appreciate it. i have yet to mo and don’t quite plan on it yet just because i don’t want to regress back to previous behaviors and actions. however, i do see myself going back to it as a form of self pleasure. since i’m a virgin and have yet to actually have sex, i think it is good for me to exercise my body in that way.

however, i fear that thoughts of p will loom over me while i do it. if im thinking that as of now, then i don’t think im ready for that yet in my opinion.

would you refrain from mo’ing to thoughts of a crush for example? part of me feels like it’d be disingenuous and wrong to ever mo to someone you really like (because they don’t know you’re doing that) but then i also just don’t see myself ever being able to just focus on feeling and sensation. i’ve always been a pretty imaginative person, so it’s pretty easy for me to visualize and play mental images, videos, scenarios in my head.

 

[Kraken]

@Kraken thanks for your input, i appreciate it. i have yet to mo and don’t quite plan on it yet just because i don’t want to regress back to previous behaviors and actions. however, i do see myself going back to it as a form of self pleasure. since i’m a virgin and have yet to actually have sex, i think it is good for me to exercise my body in that way.

however, i fear that thoughts of p will loom over me while i do it. if im thinking that as of now, then i don’t think im ready for that yet in my opinion.

would you refrain from mo’ing to thoughts of a crush for example? part of me feels like it’d be disingenuous and wrong to ever mo to someone you really like (because they don’t know you’re doing that) but then i also just don’t see myself ever being able to just focus on feeling and sensation. i’ve always been a pretty imaginative person, so it’s pretty easy for me to visualize and play mental images, videos, scenarios in my head.

I would only mo to someone I was in a relationship with. I wouldn’t mess around with mo’ing to a crush, that doesn’t sound like healthy behavior to me.

I myself was a virgin until my twenties mainly due to my religious upbringing. If your goal is to be in a healthy sexual relationship, I would focus on that. It’s way better than pmo in every way.

 

[Kraken]

Good day today, I focused on applying what I learned in the radical self care calm app meditation. When I got overwhelmed mid day, I stopped work for 10 minutes and did a calm app meditation on stress management. When I got tired in the afternoon, I took a 20 minute nap. When I felt low energy near the end of the day, I did a workout. All of this really helped. I had a challenging work day but because I took care of myself I ended the day feeling pretty good actually and was able to be more pleasant and present.

Kraken

 

[chap]

I would only mo to someone I was in a relationship with. I wouldn’t mess around with mo’ing to a crush, that doesn’t sound like healthy behavior to me.

I myself was a virgin until my twenties mainly due to my religious upbringing. If your goal is to be in a healthy sexual relationship, I would focus on that. It’s way better than pmo in every way.

thanks for the insight!!