Journal of Jay

Jay2019

Member
My name is Jay.  I'm 43 years old.  I've been compulsively using porn for around 25 years. 

In those two and a half decades, I have had very intense periods of acting out, characterized by long binges of several hours, with strong ritualistic elements, including smoking heavily (when I don't smoke any other time), wearing headphones, locking doors, and a darkened room.  During those hours, I am absolutely and completely detached from everyone and everything that matters to me.

I don't need to spell out the details of my acting out - I'm pretty sure most of you will get it.  But I will say that I can 'tick off' all the elements of porn addiction (or whatever your preferred term) that are described in this forum and elsewhere.  Compulsive use, check; continued use despite mental, physical and relational consequences - check; viewing of increasingly bizarre and sometimes grotesque genres - check; interest in images that have no correlation to my sexuality and sexual preferences - check; shame around behaviour - check; sleep interference - check; porn induced erectile dysfunction - check; Salience of porn above my natural interests - check; several failed attempts to stop - check...

And on it goes.

Porn always held an intrigue to me.  As I child, I found magazines in the local woods and quarries.  That was my introduction to porn.  In my very early years, I looked for images of women in underwear in catalogues and magazines.  Pretty innocent stuff compared to much of the porn I've accessed since the internet opened everything up.  But that's where it started, in those found magazines, in the underwear section of my mother's catalogues.

In reality,  it all probably started with a childhood trauma, one I had many hours of therapy to overcome.  I do believe I overcame the trauma, but the habit of porn I have never lost for longer than a couple of weeks.  But I'm not here to battle with trauma, because I am at peace with that part of my life, and I will no longer hang any of my behaviour upon past events.  I stopped being a victim to that some time ago.  I mention it only because it is part of my story.

Excessive porn use piggy-backed into my life on the shoulders of heavy drug use in my teens and early twenties.  Stimulants mostly.  I used these because they temporarily eradicated all my self-doubt and self-loathing.  That stopped a long long time ago.  Today, I don't hate myself - far from it.  But I do hate my compulsion to use porn.  Porn has overstayed its welcome.

My compulsion to use porn is the monkey on my back.  Porn is the thing that stops me from connecting to my friends and family.  Porn is the toxic secret in my life.  Porn is the thing that prevents me from fulfilling my potential.  Porn is the place in which I dissociate from pain, anxiety, doubt, tiredness.  Porn is the thing that hijacks my thoughts and steals my days. 
Porn is the major threat to my personal world.

I'm here to take my life back. 

I know I need others to help me.

I wish and hope for success for me and everyone in this forum. 
 

Jay2019

Member
Hey.  Thanks for replying.  This compulsion has been much stronger than me.  I'm shocked by its power.  The amount of time I've lost to it is hard to come to terms with, but I don't want any more regrets related to this problem.  I'm just going to try to use a bit of the wisdom and experience of others in here, and take one day at a time.

Thanks again for replying - I appreciate it.
 

Jay2019

Member
So this is day one.

I've stopped using porn before, for a few days, maybe a couple of weeks, never longer, but I've never tried to do it this way.  By 'this' way, I mean using this forum, reaching out, journalling, and trying to educate myself as to the neuroscience of this compulsion.

I'm not sure how I feel yet, it's early.  I guess I'm hopeful, but a little fearful.  I have no cravings this morning.  I know they will come, and I know that 25 years of porn use means I have a whole bunch of cues that fire up my brain with dopamine.  I need to start identifying and learning about these triggers - internal, such as thoughts, mood states, etc., and external.

I'm grateful for one aspect which I read about in Gary Wilson's book YBOP this morning.  I know that I had a relatively healthy sexual relational map with women in my early days - so I think I would have laid down some neural pathways for 'real partners'.  I'd seen porn before I started having sex, but the whirl of internet porn came a little later for me, after I'd already had a number of sexual relationships.  So, I hope I can recover faster from the subsequent conditioning.

I've come to rely upon medications for erectile dysfunction with real sex.  I don't even know the extent of the problem, because I haven't risked having sex without medication in my current (three year) relationship.  I hope I might one day not need to use meds anymore.  I'm in a relationship, and, like most addicts, I've got good at hiding certain aspects of my life.  I've been with my partner for three years, and she has no idea that I use medication to get it up...lying has become second nature.

Anyway, my thoughts are wandering.

The best to all of you out there trying to address this problem - be it one day, one year, or one decade 'sober'. 
 

Jay2019

Member
I made one day.  A few minor cravings, as in very fleeting thoughts of porn.  If I can do one day, I can do another. I know from experience much stronger cravings will come, but today is a blueprint for sobriety.

Supporting factors today: 

1. being with my children for long periods.
2. being busy.
3. watching Noah Church videos.
4. seeing a friend.
5. posting on here.
6. limited time alone.

3 potential triggers I'm aware of today (I need to start knowing these, being more aware):

1. Staring at women when I'm driving or at the gym.  Summer is much more challenging in this respect.  I think I need to work on not focusing on women in this way.
2. Tiredness - undoubtedly a trigger, more so against particular contexts, such as being alone.
3. Tailing off from journalling here...maybe more of a relapse warning sign, as opposed to a trigger...a path that will lead me to be more exposed to, and less aware of, triggers.
 

idunno

Member
It sounds like you're in a good place mentally, Jay2019. I feel I started my current journey (the no-porn one) from a similar place, in some ways. It's good for me to read, so thanks for posting your thoughts. I wish you good luck. It's a really worthwhile effort.
 

jjacks

Active Member
Hey, Jay,

Sounds like you are on the right track. The triggers that you cannot just turn off are hard to fight, but if you keep recognizing them and writing about them here, you may find them progressively easier to overcome (or ignore). Stay vigilant and keep journaling. It works.

-JJ (1000 days no PMO)
 

Jay2019

Member
jjacks said:
Hey, Jay,

Sounds like you are on the right track. The triggers that you cannot just turn off are hard to fight, but if you keep recognizing them and writing about them here, you may find them progressively easier to overcome (or ignore). Stay vigilant and keep journaling. It works.

-JJ (1000 days no PMO)

Thanks for the advice and encouragement, JJ.
 

Jay2019

Member
Two days, yesterday...I had to work long hours yesterday, so didn't get home until late, and then I spent time talking with my partner (so unable to journal yesterday) - I have to be careful not to slip out of the habit of coming here, collecting my thoughts, and trying to connect a little with others who understand this challenge.  The structure of the day helped to keep me away from porn, and cravings weren't an issue, but I know they will come because they always do.

The main learning point for me yesterday was the importance of not staring at women when I'm out and around.  I've realised that I'm getting a bit of a dopamine release by staring at and fixating on women, and I'm sure it's part of my addiction.  It's like the alcoholic who has stopped drinking but goes into a shop and stares at the alcohol on the shelves - well, that kind of thing probably isn't going to end well.  So, I was conscious of dealing with that aspect of my addiction, and I'm grateful for that insight, as I think it can help me to recover. 
 

Jay2019

Member
Day 3 of no PMO.

On my own this evening, catching up on some work, emails, etc., on laptop...and I've definitely had a few cravings to watch porn.  I'm quite tired and I realise this is a trigger.  Tiredness, being alone, being on a device - three triggers in one, so no surprise my brain is spraying a little dopamine here.  So I'm here, journalling, reminding myself of why I want to do this. 

My porn use has strangled the life out of me for too long.  I'm on the verge of some big changes in my life, and this process is central to all of these.  I won't use porn tonight, because I want my agency back - somehow I'm comforted by understanding that this battle has something to do with the pre-frontal cortex and hypofrontality, even if I don't fully grasp it.  So, tonight I'm applying the brakes, playing the tape through and recognising the pride I will feel at taking control of my life once more.  One day at a time.

I noticed I craved a lot of sugary things this evening, too, which isn't so unusual for me at this time, but a bit more extreme this evening.  Maybe my brain searching for replacements?

Anyway, hope you all have the strength to keep working on this today. 
 

TomWood

Member
Hi Jay, I can certainly relate to the childhood trauma and any childhood like that makes us more susceptible to addiction but we also can overcome it as we know we don't want not be in a position of helplessness again. Well done for being on here. I am glad I found the forum.
 

Jay2019

Member
Thanks for the identification, Tom.

I've been a victim to my childhood, but not for some time, and I never will be again. 

Hope to catch up soon.
 

Jay2019

Member
Day 4.  (written in retrospect)

The main threat again seemed to come from my instinctual tendency to stare at women.  The hot weather amplifies this, obviously, as everybody is wearing less...I have to keep working on this, turn my attention away.  Mindfulness practice might be the way to go.  The structure of my days is about to drastically change (in a few weeks time), and I will have more time on my own.  This feels like, both, an opportunity and a risk factor.  I want to build some new habits into my routine, including mindfulness practice and more regular exercise.  It's difficult to do so with my current busy schedule, although I made it to the gym yesterday morning for a short work-out at least.


 

Jay2019

Member
Day 5

This period in my life feels like the most obvious and significant attempt to mould the life I desire.  I'm trying to influence the things in my control, and work with the things I can't.  It's an exciting time, possibilities are opening up.  Abstinence from porn and related behaviour is at the core of my endeavours.  I know there are challenges to come in relation to this addiction...the challenge to deal with today, though, is today...today I am a little tired, with a long day ahead, and tonight I will be alone at home...I know these to be conditions that can trigger cravings, so I have to be mindful.  It is a priority to come back into the forum this evening, once I have finished my day's work, and to post, to break that 'alone-ness' and to go through and read some of the success stories shared here. 

Thanks to all you out there who are sharing your journeys as I make mine. 
 

Jay2019

Member
Lunch.  Just wanted to reaffirm that I'll keep sober today.  I can do that, we all can.  One day of not using is achievable.  Cravings are there in the background, maybe 3 or 4 out of ten in intensity.  I can ride those out.  Going to phone my daughter, because that seems like a pretty healthy thing to do, right? 

Positive thoughts to all of you out there - stay strong.
 

Jay2019

Member
I ended day 5 very tired, which is usually a trigger.  I didn't particularly crave, maybe just low-level, passing thoughts, but I did get a little impatient with my girlfriend on the phone.  Not sure if it was tiredness or some withdrawals - I don't want to assume this was about withdrawals, nor discount the possibility that it is.  Either way I apologised, and I will watch this space.

Pleased to get to five days sober, but I also want to stop paying so much attention to the amount of days, because I want my recovery to be much more than the accumulation of days free from porn.  I want this process to bring richness to my life, to allow me to grow, to allow me to reach my potential, and to restore my natural enthusiasm for world around me - and that's definitely my direction at the moment.
 

Jay2019

Member
Day 6.  Sober.  Very busy.  Cravings have been minimal.  I keep feeding my brain with knowledge around this problem, and I can't get enough of that.  I have a couple of books lined up, including Noah Church's, and I can't wait to get into them.  I feel very far away from porn today.  I feel driven, motivated, excited to be alive...juxtaposed with an anxiety about having something precious taken away from me.  Joy in life is a double-edged sword.  Maybe that is one of the internal dynamics I have hidden from, in drug use early in my life, and then porn...the awareness of the fragility of life.  When I enjoy life, I fear losing it. 

Still, I'm happy to be on this path. 
 

Jay2019

Member
Today is day 7.  A milestone I'm happy to reach, but I will keep taking this a day at a time.

I will be travelling on a train for a few hours with my son this morning and afternoon, then driving back in a new car for 4-5 hours, so the whole day is far away from risks around porn.  I will be tired, but when we return home, my girlfriend will be here,  so the day is full, connected, and it will be a sober one.  I will enjoy the people in my life today, free from the distraction and dissociation in some porn fugue.

I hope it's going well out there for all of you.
 
J

J01

Guest
Congratulations on your new commitment and solid beginning.  What a great way to spend the day!  Keep up the good fight!
 
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