Journal of Jay

J

Jay2019

Member
Days 8 and 9 were spent away with my girlfriend, and I remained sober from porn.  We had sex a couple of times, and I'm having some mild-to-moderate cravings to watch porn or masturbate this morning, but, really, there is no need.  I realise now this 'feeling' is just a neurochemical reaction.  It's so empowering to reduce it to what it is, and to not be overwhelmed by an urge.  Probably everyone out there knows this, but Gary Wilson's book YBOP is essential reading for anyone who has battled with this problem.   

The intimacy and closeness with my girlfriend during sex is the polar opposite to the cold isolation of watching porn.  So, today I'm not going to act on the neurochemical reaction that is happening in my brain.  The craving is mild, tolerable, but previously I would have automatically acted on it.  Instead, today I'm going to be grateful for being close to my girlfriend.

I am mindful that I have become dependent on ED medication for the past couple of years to have sex.  I lost confidence in my ability to keep an erection, because I started to suffer with some degree of PIED, and a possible next step will be to stop using that.  One step at a time, but it's in my mind as a definite future goal.

 
J

Jay2019

Member
Day 10 almost over.  Porn free.  I'm tired tonight, and alone, which have been triggers in the past.  I don't feel triggered at all tonight, but I won't get complacent...I have struggled for too many years to think this is all over...but I do feel strong, determined and heading in the right direction. 

 
J

Jay2019

Member
Day 11. 

No porn, but I have felt more cravings tonight, and now, than I have at any point on this streak.  I was trying to think about why this might have happened today...I do know that Gary Wilson talks about an intensification of cravings, in connection to neurological changes that can happen around this period when trying to quit porn...

"Worse yet, during abstinence the sensitized ?goosing? pathways grow even stronger. It?s as if your pleasure center is screaming for stimulation?but only the addiction can hear the call. The branches (dendrites) on nerve cells processing addiction-related reward signals become ?super spiny.? This overgrowth of little nubs allows for more synaptic connections and greater excitation. It?s like growing four extra pairs of ears while being stuck at a ?Spinal Tap? concert. When cues or thoughts (glutamate) hammer your reward circuit, the craving scale hits eleven."  This Gary Wilson stuff probably explains what I'm going through tonight, and probably the reason I have never really got passed a couple of weeks in the past.  It make sense to me.

So how am I going to make it different this time?  Well, I'm here, journalling, and reading through some other people's experience.  And I'm reminding myself that this is a neurochemical reaction, and that it will pass if I don't act out on it.

I've felt a bit lonely at points today, then slightly bothered by thoughts of my girlfriend's sexual past...and I'm a little tired (my work schedule will dramatically improve in a few weeks, but for now at least I have to work long hours).  I also found myself slipping into the habit of staring at women as I drove past them today - I have to get back to not doing that, as  I know it is part of my addiction, and a big trigger for acting out.  I'm just trying to piece all this together, to learn what happens in me to drive me towards porn.  Uncomfortable feelings - jealousy, loneliness, stress, insecurity, anger, sadness - are a trigger.  I have dissociated through multiple means over the years, and porn and sex became the predominant way.  Well, I'm not giving in to these cravings...I want my life back, and I want to reach my potential, so tonight I'm not using porn.  I will read now, I will sleep, and then I tackle tomorrow...but tonight I am not acting out.

All the best to everybody out there...keep working, keep battling.

Night all.
 
J

Jay2019

Member
Day 12

The intense cravings of yesterday passed, like a wave.  I'm still here, nothing terrible happened in not acting out...in fact, something really good happened - I learned that I can ride out strong cravings.  Journalling, acknowledging the truth of my emotions at that point, educating myself around the neurochemical cause of the feeling, and contacting my girlfriend to say goodnight...

...three simple steps for tackling strong cravings...write the experience down in an honest way, remind myself of the brain chemistry behind the cravings, contact someone I love...

I'm going to learn what it takes to be free of this addiction.  I'm finally going to learn about my full capacity in this life.  Porn is not an option.



I noticed myself thinking a lot (the beginnings of obsessing) about sex earlier in the day, and I caught myself looking at women.  I pulled back from that, consciously reminded myself of the need to self-impose boundaries in this respect.  I'll go on doing that tomorrow.

 
J

Jay2019

Member
Day 13 was a busy one, with no time alone, so no opportunity to act out with porn. 

Spent the evening out with my girlfriend.  We had sex when we got home, and had a late night, so I have to watch the chaser effect, plus my tiredness (I'm too old for late nights and my mind wakes up at the same time, regardless of the time I go to sleep - I can't afford too many late nights as I attempt this reboot).  I've never had a bad sex life with my girlfriend, far from it, but it feels so much better as porn fades in to the background for me.  I'm glad I had the benefit of setting up some 'actual women' pathways when I was younger, before porn truly got hold of me - I'm grateful for that.

So, day 14 is today, and I will be with my girlfriend, and later on my son will join us.  No time alone, which is a good protective factor for me, so I'm going to try to get past my tiredness and enjoy reaching two weeks of sobriety from porn and acting out...this is undoubtedly my most serious attempt to address my problem. 

Hope it's going well for anyone out there trying to recover. 
 
J

Jay2019

Member
Day 15 of sobriety. 

I'm not sure of the longest I have been without porn over the past two and a half decades, but it might not have been more than 15 days if I'm brutally honest.  I'm not totally sure, but I know this is something like the longest period of my life without it, and  I feel like I've moved to a different phase with porn.  The idea of watching it is starting to feel repellent to me, and I'm aware of moving further and further away from it.

That's not to say I don't feel cravings for 'something'.  I had sex with my girlfriend a couple of times over the past couple of days, and undoubtedly I feel an urge to masturbate this evening, which I am resisting.  I know 'healthy masturbating', i.e. not fantasising to porn, might be a normal part of a healthy sexuality, but I don't want to go there just yet.  I want to continue to exercise self-control over the urges, which I suspect is just about that dopamine surge and the chase for the buzz that my brain grew used to, and almost certainly this is triggered to some degree by having had sex yesterday.

It's a double-edged sword having a girlfriend and having sex during this process.  I'm really starting to feel the benefits of my energies focused on my partner and the actual sensations involved in sex, and this is a wonderful benefit of not clouding my sexuality with the extreme images of porn that I had resorted to by the end of my addiction.  On the other hand, there is definitely a chaser effect following sex...but maybe it's good for me to learn to control those urges, too, and maybe this will strengthen my recovery.  What I can say, with surprising ease now, is that having sex with someone I love is so so so much better than the helpless chase across the tube sites to find the 'perfect scene'...how could I have ever doubted it?

I'm so grateful for starting to find my way with all this, and for the help received in this forum by the stories and struggles you all convey.  Thank you.
 
J

Jay2019

Member
Day 16.

I am still far away from using porn.  I'm not feeling any interest in it at all; in fact, I feel a bit disdainful towards it.  I'm amazed at the hold it had on me...except, I guess I've come to understand that it wasn't really the porn holding me, but the neurochemical chase.  I've always looked (unconsciously or otherwise) for some way to dissociate and move away from uncomfortable feelings. 

I'm aware of obsessive compulsive thoughts trying to take hold in my mind, predominantly around my girlfriend's past, but I am consciously trying not to pursue those thoughts down the dark alleys of my mind...I know that pursuit too well, and I recognise that it has been part of what I run away from by drowning in dopamine.  My mind can be intense and heavy at times, and that has led to the need to shut it down somehow, but I'm older and more mature now, and I have so much more agency over my thoughts and moods.  So the time is right to finally remove this drug from my life.

The gym is a difficult trigger point for me, in terms of obsessing over women's bodies.  i just got back from a work out, and I was definitely too interested in the bodies of some women.  It's natural to look and be attracted, nature has to do its thing, but I have to keep on working on not obsessing.  This feels like the hardest part of my recovery at this stage.  Porn is not interesting me, but I have to be aware of other behavioural elements that are risky and unhealthy. 

On occasions over the years my addiction has moved to real women - a couple of affairs whilst in previous relationships, a handful of escorts...so I have to address the whole 'complex' of issues surrounding this.  I have no desire to ever repeat those behaviours, but I know if I don't revolutionise my sexuality, rid it of all unhealthy components, then I am at risk of going down that path.  I don't need any of it anymore.  I don't need porn, I don't need lies, I don't need to make myself feel wanted by sleeping with a sex worker or having an affair...I don't need any of that stuff.  I need my freedom, and I need to realise my capacity as a man.  Today I am grateful for being on the right path. 
 
H

hope2reboot

Member
Way to go Jay!! Keep on keeping on. Sounds like understanding what?s going on in your brain is helping you a lot. That?s what also helps me tons. In fact, the first time I learned about what was happening in my brain because of PMO, I was able to quit for almost 3 years. Unfortunately I didn?t really stick with this site and the learning and remembering what the addiction did to me that I probably became complacent and ended up falling off the wagon. Was off for about 6 months but back on again fighting the good fight. God bless and stay strong!
 
J

Jay2019

Member
hope2reboot said:
Way to go Jay!! Keep on keeping on. Sounds like understanding what?s going on in your brain is helping you a lot. That?s what also helps me tons. In fact, the first time I learned about what was happening in my brain because of PMO, I was able to quit for almost 3 years. Unfortunately I didn?t really stick with this site and the learning and remembering what the addiction did to me that I probably became complacent and ended up falling off the wagon. Was off for about 6 months but back on again fighting the good fight. God bless and stay strong!
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Thanks man.  Really good to have people like you around during this process, and I so appreciate your encouragement. 
 
J

Jay2019

Member
Day 17.

Porn free and minimal cravings. 

I spent the day at work, having an interview, then with family this evening.  Busy day, and no extended periods alone, which helps.  I have been busy this week, and there is no obvious let up until the weekend, so I'll need to watch out for tiredness, which can be a trigger.

Anyway, another day without porn, another day towards freedom.  Tired tonight, so I'll just go with that and sleep...as opposed to waking myself up with porn and feeling shattered in the morning... that's progress.
 
L

Lero

Guest
Great job, man! We have almost the same number of days! I don't know why but I don't relapse when I'm tired.
 
J

Jay2019

Member
Day 18 fell on my son's birthday.  All good.  Dinner with with him and the family, and no threat of watching porn.

Day 19...still sober, and feeling far away from porn.  I have been busy today, and feel pretty exhausted...couple more weeks of this schedule, then I'll have less work, and more time...so a new set of circumstances to handle.  I'll think more about this over the next couple of weeks, but for now, one day at a time.   

It was tempting not to come in here and post, but I know it has been a valuable aspect of my early recovery, so I'm not going to abandon it.  I'm pretty sure I am very close to entering the longest period of my adult life with porn - and may have already exceeded it.  I don't know exactly how long I have gone previously, but I suspect not longer than a couple of weeks.  Too tired to collate my thoughts, but just want to acknowledge my progress, and give thanks for this site and the people attached to it.
 
H

hope2reboot

Member
Way to go Jay. Keep going, the long term rewards outweigh the short term pleasure by an enormous amount. There?s no comparison!
 
J

Jay2019

Member
hope2reboot said:
Way to go Jay. Keep going, the long term rewards outweigh the short term pleasure by an enormous amount. There?s no comparison!
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Absolutely none...such a feeling to be taking control of my own life again.  Thanks for the encouragement.
 
J

Jay2019

Member
Day 20 - was so tired and busy, but sober.

Day 21 - okay, today is three weeks.  That's worth celebrating to me.  Three weeks without porn...new ground.  So, now I'll go to the gym - I have to be conscious and aware, because it is definitely a trigger to me.  The visual stimulation, and my tending to look for it, along with the feel good chemical release definitely combine to create an urge in me.  My plan to manage it is this:

Work hard on focusing on my work out, not on the women doing theirs!  Head straight to the coffee shop afterwards, not home where I would be alone.  From the coffee shop I will collect my son.  Tonight my girlfriend will be around.  So I should have no time at home alone following the gym, which is definitely a set of circumstances that has historically led me to binge on porn.

On the note of cravings, this morning I opened up my old tablet,  which I mostly used for watching porn.  I had to try to make an order for my mobile phone that was not going through on my laptop (which I didn't tend to use for porn)...so I needed a different device.  I noticed that it stirred cravings...not unbearable ones, but certainly my heart-rate increased and my brain thought it was getting a 'treat'.  Not today, though, because I am taking back agency over my life.  Three weeks, and I'm celebrating by treating myself to being porn-free.  One day at a time.
 
J

Jay2019

Member
hope2reboot said:
Way to be strong Jay, keep going. Two weeks for me tomorrow. We can do this.....one day at a time.
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Thanks for the encouragement.  Anyone can abstain for one day, right?  Keep going, too.  This is all worth it.
 
J

Jay2019

Member
Day 22.

Urges to watch porn are minimal, ad I'm grateful for the lack of severe cravings.  Porn seems a bit small and pathetic at this point, when it has previous seemed so big as to eclipse my life and everything important in it.  I think something has clicked this time, and the moment has come for porn not to be an option.  It's complacency I need to guard against, because I know how much of a stranglehold porn has had on me...except, I kind of realise that it was really only neurochemicals, dopamine, etc. that built up porn into some great edifice or institution.  Porn is not that at all, and it does not have a hold on me.  I am readdressing the balance in my brain, and will keep working on the behaviours that might push me back closer to porn.

I'm grateful for all of you out there fighting back.  Keep going. 
 
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