Journal of Jay

L

Lero

Guest
If you think about it, porn is just a button that we push to get a dopamine hit. It definitely helped me to look at it this way. I don't want porn, I want the dopamine and, unfortunately, only porn knows how to do that cause this is how I trained myself.
 

Jay2019

Member
Lero said:
If you think about it, porn is just a button that we push to get a dopamine hit. It definitely helped me to look at it this way. I don't want porn, I want the dopamine and, unfortunately, only porn knows how to do that cause this is how I trained myself.

Hey.  I completely agree with that.  For me it is one of the most useful insights I've gained during this process.  It's dismantled porn for me, reduced it from this domineering monster in my life to a mere source of dopamine. 
 

Jay2019

Member
Day 25 - porn free.  Orgasm with partner.  Everything is so much more sensitive sexually...I feel like I'm regaining my body and sexuality.  Without a doubt I am now into the longest period of my adult life without porn, and I'm loving not having it in my life...

...Day 26, the morning after being with my partner, I had the dreaded chaser effect...I was tired and had little willpower.  I had no urge to watch porn at all, but I did MO.  I made a point of clearing my head and not thinking of porn, just focusing on the sensation, but I don't like that I felt out of control for a minute.  There was none of the rituals associated with porn, no edging, no smoking, no images, no mentally recalling porn, but I treat it as a behaviour to watch, and I have to be mindful of the potential trigger and slide.  It's a learning curve, and I'm still going.  Porn is not an option.


 

Jay2019

Member
Day 27:  I definitely felt some slight increase in cravings.  I thought, albeit momentarily, about watching porn.  I banished the thoughts from my head pretty quickly, and I know I now have the capacity to do that, rather than obsess about it, and allow the thought to escalate into action. 

Without a doubt, the chaser effect influenced me yesterday.  In addition, I was exhausted.  Thankfully my fairly gruelling work schedule will come to an end next Friday, and I will be posed with some different challenges, including more time alone at home; on the plus side, I will have space to structure my day with some of activities that provide structure, e.g. the gym, mindfulness, catching up with family and friends.  I have at least laid the foundations for a porn free life.  So much to be excited about right now.


Day 28 - So today is four weeks...wow...there were times when I thought I would never be able to live without watching porn.  I was wrong.  Four weeks without doing so gives me the confidence to know it is completely possible.  If I can do it, anyone can do it. So, for anyone out there trying to do this, believe me when I say that you can. 

I won't get complacent though.  One day at a time, I will go on living without porn.  Today 28 days will be behind me, and I will just concentrate on making sure I don't use porn today.  I have my son here now for a few hours; then I'm with my girlfriend and family.  I won't use porn today, and that's a great feeling.
 
L

Lero

Guest
Awesome, Jay! We have almost the same number of days. You're doing great. Now you know you are able to kick out the porn thoughts. Contrary to what the addiction tells us (because it's got a reason to), we actually don't need to follow the porn thoughts and urges and search for porn material. Fuck porn, choose life. Porn is the complete opposite of living. "Porn" and "Poison" start with the same letter for a reason.
 

Free-man2018

Active Member
I'm also doing my second reboot guys. I'm in my day 29th. The first one was 51 days and I hope to surpass it. We're all fighting the Dopamine monster that lives in our minds. follow your diaries with a lot of interest guys. Keep strong!

 
L

Lero

Guest
Free-man said:
I'm also doing my second reboot guys. I'm in my day 29th. The first one was 51 days and I hope to surpass it. We're all fighting the Dopamine monster that lives in our minds. follow your diaries with a lot of interest guys. Keep strong!

It's hard but it's possible. Only time will make the addiction go away.
 

Jay2019

Member
Day 29:

Today was a significant one for me in a quiet way.  I woke up, alone, did a little work, went to the gym...nothing spectacular, BUT when I got out from the gym, I noticed a couple of things: 1. I hadn't spent my session scanning for women to stare at; 2. Despite knowing I had the entire day ahead to myself at home, I didn't come out of gym thinking I might go and get myself a packet of cigarettes and watch porn for hours on end (which would have almost certainly happened in those conditions before I started this process).  Small victories which I have to acknowledge. 

Then, I spent my day working on a project for my business.  I spent several hours doing this on my laptop...and no thought of watching porn.  I had a brief, passing thought about masturbating, but it passed quickly, and I continued with the work. 

The point is, I'm finally experiencing the freedom to spend my time productively, without losing my time to porn and acting out...I'm ending today with a sense of agency, of being the author of my own life...I have ideas, motivation, drive...the compulsion is finally loosening, and the positive consequences are pretty good, I have to say  :)

I'm so grateful for finding my way here.
 
L

Lero

Guest
Fucking great, Jay! This sounds good. You are on the right road, I believe. Small victories count. Small steps still move you forward. Almost 1 month for you.  8)
 

Jay2019

Member
Day 31:

A month without porn...wasn't sure this was possible a very short while ago, but now I know that I can stay free from porn one day at a time.  The days become weeks, become months...but I don't need to worry about the weeks and months, only about today.  Today, I have not viewed porn.  Today I am free of an addiction that has held me vice-like for over two decades.  That should give at least some hope to people starting out today.  This is possible, people, we can recover.
 
L

Lero

Guest
Fucking great, Jay! 1 month without poison (1 month for me too). You got this. When you abstain from porn for a longer period of time you realize that you can actually do it.
 

Jay2019

Member
Lero said:
Fucking great, Jay! 1 month without poison (1 month for me too). You got this. When you abstain from porn for a longer period of time you realize that you can actually do it.

Yeh, I believe it now, Lero.  I believe in myself.  I won't underestimate this shit - complacency is the enemy - but I am going to keep working to take back my life.  I'm invested in your recovery, too.  Thanks for the support, means a lot.
 
L

Lero

Guest
Jay2019 said:
Yeh, I believe it now, Lero.  I believe in myself.  I won't underestimate this shit - complacency is the enemy - but I am going to keep working to take back my life.  I'm invested in your recovery, too.  Thanks for the support, means a lot.

That's right, man. Never let your guard down, always be serious like day 1. We need to get our energy back from this fucking poison. And thanks for thinking about my recovery. I appreciate this. I'm thinking about your recovery too, as we have almost the same number of days (you are 1 day ahead).
 
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