stepbystep's journal

stepbystep

Active Member
Day 4. The first few days have been tough because the porn images kept popping up in my head. It?s been a lot better in the last day or two though. The hardest part is yet to come in the next few days. Around day 7 is a barrier for me that I struggle to get past.
 

stepbystep

Active Member
I watched a movie where they minimized the impact of porn and made it seem like a very thing everyone can do. I admit I felt good afterwards thinking maybe I am normal after all and that what I had been using is fine. And, now I?m feeling triggered to check it out. But, I can?t believe this. I have done is so many times and it is not fulfilling. I can live without it.
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
Talk or no talk, stepbystep, all that happened here was that the movie was a cue or trigger, and your reacting to it created further urges. That is all.

Simply train yourself to not respond to urges (even if cued), and you will beat this addiction.

I understand the thought to somehow excuse or make room for these behaviors, and normalize them... I would say things like, "I'm a man..." Or, "I have special needs that PMO helps me with...", and so on. Or, "I need this..."

But there's a reason why you and I came to this forum, there was something that we needed to fix, to undo. And remember, too, that the porn industry is a multi-billion dollar enterprise. They may promote some of these "Porn's OK" type of shows....

Wishing you well.
 

stepbystep

Active Member
Thanks Phineas, totally agree that porn industry may be spending a lot of money on propagating these beliefs.

Day 3. Feeling urges since my last slip up. I think it?s the chaser effect. Hanging in there.
 

stepbystep

Active Member
Day 4. Hanging in there. Yesterday, I was having a headache and to get away from the pain I was getting a lot of urges to use P. But, I made it through my managing my headache in other ways, like going for a walk, sleeping early, and it went away. I'm proud of that and though the headache is gone, my urges are back today. Not to escape the pain, but to experience the pleasure. But, I'm not doing that. Just one day at a time.
 

stepbystep

Active Member
Day 5. I started working the 12 steps. I?m not very religious but anything that helps me, I?m willing to do. As part of the program I reached out and have a sponsor who I had a call with today. It was hard for me to take this step but I just have not had any significant stretch of staying away from porn. The last time I did, I was working the steps with a sponsor.
 

CB

Active Member
You?re doing good! Just get back up again, relapsing is part of recovery. Only thing is to not let it make us spiraling into a binge. I?m also going to contact SAA here where I live, I think exactly like you that it is really really difficult to make it on our own in recovery. Seeking out a sponsor shows your dedication to getting sober.

Keep going, you?re doing great!
 

stepbystep

Active Member
Thanks CB for the encouragement! I?ve tried beating this alone for so long and I know it?s incredibly hard, even though it may be possible.

Day 7. Hanging in there. Feeling urges today. I?m going to go to an slaa meeting for a short bit and try to stay focused during the workday.
 

stepbystep

Active Member
Day 9. Today is going to be tough. I recognize that. But I just need to focus on staying away one moment at a time until the end of the day.
 

stepbystep

Active Member
Thanks Orbiter.

Unfortunately I slipped later that day. It was just too much sexual tension. I felt really down afterwards and was going to give up recovery work. I?m in a better state now and continuing to work on recovery although I?m still doubtful if I will ever fully recover.

Day 2
 

EarthWalker

Active Member
One message I am getting lately. Don't doubt yourself.

At times I just ignore reality and keep on going.

https://medium.com/lindsaylinegar/let-everything-happen-to-you-6550ea68c659

Wish you well and seeing you free from P
EW
 

stepbystep

Active Member
EarthWalker said:
One message I am getting lately. Don't doubt yourself.

At times I just ignore reality and keep on going.

https://medium.com/lindsaylinegar/let-everything-happen-to-you-6550ea68c659

Wish you well and seeing you free from P
EW

Thanks EW. I?m feeling more optimistic about recovering now. I really want this. It?s going to be hard, but is worth every bit of effort.
 

stepbystep

Active Member
Day 5. Hanging in there. Not many urges in the last few days, but the next few days and this week will be tough as it has always been around a week away from PMO.
 

stepbystep

Active Member
Day 6. Tough day yesterday. I had a headache and wanted to escape the pain using PMO. Honestly I?m not sure how I made it through, but I did. Today is a new day and the only thing I know is I am not a person that uses porn anymore.
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
Good work, stepbystep!

The urges will come, let them. You are strong enough to dismiss them, one after the other.

You will look back and see that you are that different person!
 

stepbystep

Active Member
Thanks Phineas for the encouragement!

Day 7. Yesterday, I had sexual thoughts random times during the day, but I did not dwell on them. I do not need porn. I do not need to masturbate. I am happy without them. Taking it one day at a time.
 

stepbystep

Active Member
Day 8. So far so good but I?ve been feeling anxious and that?s not helping with focus at work. It also makes me feel like escaping to porn. But why will I do that when I am a person who no longer uses porn. Just hoping to get through today. Just today.
 
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