stepbystep's journal

Orbiter

Active Member
One thing that's one my mind in the last day is my powerlessness and unmanageability in my life because of my addiction. This doesn't seem like a very positive statement, and it's seems to be counter to the positive attitude that may allow change to happen.

But, the reality is that this attitude really changes everything. Truly believing this powerlessness means that I have no option but to ask for help. If I could do this all by myself, I wouldn't post on this forum and look for support. I know I cannot completely rely on my beliefs because they have led me to go back to my addictive behavior over and over and over for a decade. This means I need to work through my beliefs and get feedback from others so that I can slowly change myself.

If I slip up, I want to learn from it. I cannot beat myself up. I can learn, get help, work recovery, and keep persevering.

I think the feeling of powerlessness comes from strings of repeated relapses which, ironically, often triggers strings of repeated relapses. The AVE effect that Phineas often speaks of comes to mind. You're right in that a slip up is just a slip up. I guess it's there is clearly things that we all still need to learn for our journey and elements of our life that we need to change & grow in.

Resilience & patience will see us through and, after all, giving up is not really an option right?
 

stepbystep

Active Member
The AVE effect that Phineas often speaks of comes to mind.

thanks Orbiter for your thoughts! Actually I'm not very familiar with the AVE effect. Could you or Phineas explain that?

I had a good, productive weekend and spent time with family. Little things make a big difference. I was able to take care of a lot of house chores, without the anxiety of having slipped up to PMO. I was able to get good sleep and exercise. I wasn't perfect, but was able to simply live.

I took the 1st of the 12 steps and shared it with my sponsor last weekend. It was relief to share my past behavior with someone. I'm hopeful that things will get better over time.
 

Orbiter

Active Member
Here is the article from Phineas' journal re the 'Abstinence Violation Effect' or AVE


Sounds like the weekend went well. It can be a powerful and confronting thing talking to someone about things like past behaviour, experiences etc. It is worthwhile though and can lead to both an increased connection with others and unburden ourselves from the considerable amount of shame that us PMO addicts often seem to carry around with us.

Keep up the great work!
 

stepbystep

Active Member
Here is the article from Phineas' journal re the 'Abstinence Violation Effect' or AVE


Thanks, this is very insightful! What I learned here is rather than beating ourselves up after a relapse, we should learn to cope with slip ups more healthily. The best way to avoid a relapse is:
- Identify and avoid all triggers, including individuals, places, movies, tv shows
- Have a plan and develop ways to avoid an unhealthy situation (e.g., reach out to someone when I start middle circling compulsively on youtube, go for a walk, etc)
 

stepbystep

Active Member
Today is been filled with urges because of two reasons: I'm feeling pain from a headache (withdrawals?), and I'm feeling insecure after speaking at meetings at work.

Pain is part of very healthy life. Porn is not. I am finding healthy ways to manage my pain: deep breathing, going for a walk, listening to music, drink some tea. I will do these things now.

About speaking in meetings, I always struggle with when to speak and if do, feel bad afterwards that I may have spoken out of turn or said something not relevant or said something only about what I care about. The feeling bad makes me feel urges.
 

stepbystep

Active Member
Almost slipped up. Started searching for p and then realized how stupid that is. I stopped but I know I will be vulnerable all day. I can't focus. I'm just constantly getting urges.
 

Orbiter

Active Member
Almost slipped up. Started searching for p and then realized how stupid that is. I stopped but I know I will be vulnerable all day. I can't focus. I'm just constantly getting urges.

Keep up the great work Step! You can do this. All you have to do is make it through today.
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
Good job, SBS, in stopping the searching..., and I know that urges will come, but practice dismissing them. Breathe through them until each one passes, without judgment. When the next urge comes, repeat. Don't forget to just observe nonjudmentally, and breathe deep through until it passes. Watch it like it was a movie, but with compassion.

You are not the addiction.
 

stepbystep

Active Member
Thanks Phineas and Orbiter for dropping by as always. I've not been very good with updating here, but I have been busy with life and recovery work. I did relapse later in the day on June 4 unfortunately. It was very tough to get through.

I have been experimenting with MO again, simply because I feel my libido and sexual tension is unbearable after about 7 days. The weird thing is that when I try abstinence, I stay away longer, but go back to worse porn than if I had tried not to abstain. It's as if it escalates the more and more I abstain, and then, I'm hit with a very strong urge that makes me go back to porn.

But, I've been very careful about how I would MO. Mornings only. If I feel really horny during the day, I'd have to wait for the next day. It's been working well so far, but I still feel anxious after MO.

I'll be experimenting for another week or two, and then make a decision about what's right for me. Sexuality is just so complex. I wish it were simpler.
 
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