Man_in_30s_trying_to_quit_from_last_10years
- Thread starter GeminiMan
- Start date
particularly_respecting
Active Member
Nice! You got this brother 
Agreed forgiveness , kindness and nurturing self is what addicts need to thrive on and build some positive momentum that may lead into sobriety streaks and a beautiful sober life
I do confess I sat and recalled some of the euphoric moments in my mind today and touched myself inappropriately for once .so that might be a warning sign that I am begging to derail from my reboot at day 6 . I haven’t fired up a browser and opened chatroom or P site url yet which is the first entry point I make into a relapse
I am postponing this flow forever, meaning it will never happen in my life again and I mean it .
1) visit explicit urls , content in general and 2)touching myself in bad ways and
3) eventually MO ing and
4) Entering depression and write here how I am so bad .
Back On to day 6 Sober behaviors and thoughts .
God bless you all
I am postponing this flow forever, meaning it will never happen in my life again and I mean it .
1) visit explicit urls , content in general and 2)touching myself in bad ways and
3) eventually MO ing and
4) Entering depression and write here how I am so bad .
Back On to day 6 Sober behaviors and thoughts .
God bless you all
particularly_respecting
Active Member
Nice thinking behind the change in name
I believe in you and know you can make this positive change. You got this brother
I believe in you and know you can make this positive change. You got this brother
Day 1 today after counter reset yesterday.
Yesterday’s cause for relapse was too much free time and nothing to do at office .well that can also be harmful for addicts recovering . I did not fill up my calendars intentionally with projects and interesting hobbies yesterday and paid the price !
Lesson learnt … keep busy and stay away from chat and P sites
Yesterday’s cause for relapse was too much free time and nothing to do at office .well that can also be harmful for addicts recovering . I did not fill up my calendars intentionally with projects and interesting hobbies yesterday and paid the price !
Lesson learnt … keep busy and stay away from chat and P sites
Couldn’t keep myself sober today . Dopamine escalation from yesterday resulting in some flashes today and then after one short successful attempt in stopping myself from reaching out to the phone .
after a few minutes then again a mental surge I couldn’t stop myself this time I picked up phone and chatted filthy and MO Ed .
This is a shame .
I just didn’t want to stop and I let my guard down and failed .
Lesson learned
I need to believe in myself that it is possible to stop myself and hold on to sobriety. It’s a lack of self confidence and resolve
back to day 0
Day 1 tomorrow
after a few minutes then again a mental surge I couldn’t stop myself this time I picked up phone and chatted filthy and MO Ed .
This is a shame .
I just didn’t want to stop and I let my guard down and failed .
Lesson learned
I need to believe in myself that it is possible to stop myself and hold on to sobriety. It’s a lack of self confidence and resolve
back to day 0
Day 1 tomorrow
I feel hopeless and lost . I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel at all here .
I know there is way out of this but I don’t see myself reaching out and doing it at all .
I need to do that thing which part of me never wants me to do or achieve .
This is so frustrating . wish I had never started going down this rabid hole
I know there is way out of this but I don’t see myself reaching out and doing it at all .
I need to do that thing which part of me never wants me to do or achieve .
This is so frustrating . wish I had never started going down this rabid hole
particularly_respecting
Active Member
You are okay. You are on a journey - sometimes we all get lost and stray off course
You just need to pause, check your map, remind yourself of the destination, and get back on course
You got this brother. I believe in you
Thank you @particularly_respecting . I don’t know if I can do this . My inner confidence and gut feeling about my full recovery is in jeopardyYou are okay. You are on a journey - sometimes we all get lost and stray off course
You just need to pause, check your map, remind yourself of the destination, and get back on course
You got this brother. I believe in you
Day 1 today
By the time I get to day 3 and after my addict self starts voicing in my head .
It says
“Go touch yourself inappropriately, pleasure yourself and MO”
that’s when I need to say “No”
I am not doing any of that ever again
the it will say
“Come on logon to chatroom it’ll be fun you can chat Filthy and it will be fun and pleasurable touching your self and chatting “
that’s when I should say
“No it is not fun . It’s a burst of fun yes and then full of shame regret and self pity and loss of confidence and erosion of happiness from life, I don’t want that!, I want real life intimacy with my partner without any guilt and shame associated with it , that’s what I want “
And then so on I should confront and conquer the addict voices in my head and guard my sobriety fort for the rest of my life .
That’s what I want to achieve and live with forever . That sober life is my life’s goal
By the time I get to day 3 and after my addict self starts voicing in my head .
It says
“Go touch yourself inappropriately, pleasure yourself and MO”
that’s when I need to say “No”
I am not doing any of that ever again
the it will say
“Come on logon to chatroom it’ll be fun you can chat Filthy and it will be fun and pleasurable touching your self and chatting “
that’s when I should say
“No it is not fun . It’s a burst of fun yes and then full of shame regret and self pity and loss of confidence and erosion of happiness from life, I don’t want that!, I want real life intimacy with my partner without any guilt and shame associated with it , that’s what I want “
And then so on I should confront and conquer the addict voices in my head and guard my sobriety fort for the rest of my life .
That’s what I want to achieve and live with forever . That sober life is my life’s goal
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
You know, reading what you've decided to do made me think about my situation and in my case that type of "confronting the addicted me by saying opposite things" has rarely worked. It becomes the "Do it/Don't do it" type of thing. I feel like a better alternative is ignoring. It's that thing when thoughts come into our head and we must not give them attention, that's what the addicted "us" wants, it wants attention because with attention it can make his move to try to convince us to use. As soon as we engage with him in a debate, we have given him attention already. The best way in my opinion is to see the thoughts and then ignore them and focus on something else. Having something to imagine instead of porn/chatrooms/past euphoric moments etc. could help a lot, it used to help me very much. When I had success with my streak, what I did was to start playing something else in my head as soon as the porn images started playing in my head. Like for example, imagining myself practicing how to throw a basketball. I did some basketball in high school but I'm complete shit at this game. It doesn't matter, I imagined myself throwing the ball, trying to do spinning moves, crossover etc. so I could take the focus away from the porn images because the mind needs a point to focus on, hence why one of the things in meditation is to focus on breathing in and out, count the breathes, focus on a mantra etc. Focus on something so you don't focus on what you don't want to focus on, you know what I'm saying. But it's crucial, it's a matter of seconds. And I know it's easier said than done, I know, but not impossible and anything that is not impossible, it's doable.
@Escapeandnevercomeback
Well said . 2 days back when I was 5 days cold turkey sober . I was alone and there was a sexual energy build up below my diaphragm and chest and it was actually physical sensations along with mental boredom/loneliness and it was after a sumptuous lunch in the afternoon I felt these things .
so in reaction to that I started touching myself inappropriately imagining euphoric moments and then I had the thoughts and urges to pick up the phone fire up the browser and type chat site url to chat filthy and then MOed .
This is the same flow that happens every single time . Same cycle repeats on and on .
So I know what I have to get out of , just that at the weakest moment while I am experiencing physical and mental sensations I am unable to hold my nerves or mind away from the train of sensual thoughts and acting out to guard my sobriety.
you said this right all this debates and confrontation happens in milliseconds . May be within 1/10th of the time we take for an eye to blink . But that’s the amount of time we have to come out of it without being convinced to give in and actually carry on with life .
and then the mind is a wind gust it flows back there again at some point where we don’t want it to go and we need to divert it again . I think that’s the only way out for most of us .
“Do it or Die giving in” I guess is the fate of most users here .
Well said . 2 days back when I was 5 days cold turkey sober . I was alone and there was a sexual energy build up below my diaphragm and chest and it was actually physical sensations along with mental boredom/loneliness and it was after a sumptuous lunch in the afternoon I felt these things .
so in reaction to that I started touching myself inappropriately imagining euphoric moments and then I had the thoughts and urges to pick up the phone fire up the browser and type chat site url to chat filthy and then MOed .
This is the same flow that happens every single time . Same cycle repeats on and on .
So I know what I have to get out of , just that at the weakest moment while I am experiencing physical and mental sensations I am unable to hold my nerves or mind away from the train of sensual thoughts and acting out to guard my sobriety.
you said this right all this debates and confrontation happens in milliseconds . May be within 1/10th of the time we take for an eye to blink . But that’s the amount of time we have to come out of it without being convinced to give in and actually carry on with life .
and then the mind is a wind gust it flows back there again at some point where we don’t want it to go and we need to divert it again . I think that’s the only way out for most of us .
“Do it or Die giving in” I guess is the fate of most users here .
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
That's right. Nobody said it's easy. Diverting your attention from the hypersexual thoughts is not easy. It's a habit taken to extreme, very deeply ingrained in the brain. After reading William's thread, even the first few pages, I've understood one thing, he was basically the only one who has ever made me exceed my limits, I've understood one thing: You can't quit porn addiction by keeping your dopamine levels high because the definition of porn addiction is keeping your dopamine levels high. We need to not give attention to the hypersexual thoughts created by our porn world. It's not easy, it was very hard, imagine those days when I was having mad urges (extreme arousal) and I forced myself not to play the porn in my head. It worked. It works. And I think this is a habit too, this can become a habit too and it needs to become a habit: Diverting the attention from the hypersexual thoughts. It needs to become a habit for us. As soon as they start, we need the automatic response of "looking away" from them, so to speak. The addicted brain will try aggresively to make us use porn. Images, memory of past great sessions etc. are one of its best tools. Cut the tools from the source and the brain can kiss goodbye. But I know all this is not as easy as it sounds but it can be done. If a broken guy like me could go for 50 days without porn by only doing this thing, then it must be something, it's opened a different perspective in my mind one where I can get longer streaks if I want to. But because I am a fuckin alcoholic, all that went out the window, I lose my streaks because I can't stay away from drinking, but this is a different discussion.