Man_in_30s_trying_to_quit_from_last_10years

GeminiMan

Active Member
That's right, man, I know everything about beating yourself in the head for this, I've been doing this on my journal but I don't think it leads to something good. But I understand why someone would want to do something like this, it's exasperating to still be trapped in this fuckin addiction, it's annoying, and for some of us being in our 30s is very frustrating. I understand what it's like to feel like you're running out of time. But this creates pressure and I know everything about pressure. This can only be done slowly and carefully, not rushing through it and it might require extra time (yeah, I know) but at least we should do it right. I know, it's annoying to be 31 like myself and still "need more time"... But rushing leads to pressure and pressure leads to failing.
Agreed forgiveness , kindness and nurturing self is what addicts need to thrive on and build some positive momentum that may lead into sobriety streaks and a beautiful sober life
 

GeminiMan

Active Member
I do confess I sat and recalled some of the euphoric moments in my mind today and touched myself inappropriately for once .so that might be a warning sign that I am begging to derail from my reboot at day 6 . I haven’t fired up a browser and opened chatroom or P site url yet which is the first entry point I make into a relapse

I am postponing this flow forever, meaning it will never happen in my life again and I mean it .
1) visit explicit urls , content in general and 2)touching myself in bad ways and
3) eventually MO ing and
4) Entering depression and write here how I am so bad .

Back On to day 6 Sober behaviors and thoughts .

God bless you all
 

GeminiMan

Active Member
I visited chatroom today and chatted filthy and touched myself inappropriately . I broke my streak of sobriety although didn’t MO .

It’s a shame

I am resetting my counter and will start over day 1 from tomorrow
 

GeminiMan

Active Member
Day 1 today after counter reset yesterday.
Yesterday’s cause for relapse was too much free time and nothing to do at office .well that can also be harmful for addicts recovering . I did not fill up my calendars intentionally with projects and interesting hobbies yesterday and paid the price !
Lesson learnt … keep busy and stay away from chat and P sites
 

GeminiMan

Active Member
Couldn’t keep myself sober today . Dopamine escalation from yesterday resulting in some flashes today and then after one short successful attempt in stopping myself from reaching out to the phone .

after a few minutes then again a mental surge I couldn’t stop myself this time I picked up phone and chatted filthy and MO Ed .

This is a shame .
I just didn’t want to stop and I let my guard down and failed .

Lesson learned
I need to believe in myself that it is possible to stop myself and hold on to sobriety. It’s a lack of self confidence and resolve

back to day 0
Day 1 tomorrow
 

GeminiMan

Active Member
I feel hopeless and lost . I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel at all here .
I know there is way out of this but I don’t see myself reaching out and doing it at all .

I need to do that thing which part of me never wants me to do or achieve .
This is so frustrating . wish I had never started going down this rabid hole :(
 

GeminiMan

Active Member
oh god . How on earth will I convince myself to give up this cycle of pleasure seeking and addiction and relapse and regret .it’s impossible
Sorry guys I am at a loss here . Poor me ! Poor soul gasping for an escape . Such a pity .
 
oh god . How on earth will I convince myself to give up this cycle of pleasure seeking and addiction and relapse and regret .it’s impossible
Sorry guys I am at a loss here . Poor me ! Poor soul gasping for an escape . Such a pity .
You are okay. You are on a journey - sometimes we all get lost and stray off course
You just need to pause, check your map, remind yourself of the destination, and get back on course
You got this brother. I believe in you 💪
 

GeminiMan

Active Member
Day 1 today
By the time I get to day 3 and after my addict self starts voicing in my head .
It says
“Go touch yourself inappropriately, pleasure yourself and MO”

that’s when I need to say “No”
I am not doing any of that ever again

the it will say
“Come on logon to chatroom it’ll be fun you can chat Filthy and it will be fun and pleasurable touching your self and chatting “

that’s when I should say
“No it is not fun . It’s a burst of fun yes and then full of shame regret and self pity and loss of confidence and erosion of happiness from life, I don’t want that!, I want real life intimacy with my partner without any guilt and shame associated with it , that’s what I want “

And then so on I should confront and conquer the addict voices in my head and guard my sobriety fort for the rest of my life .

That’s what I want to achieve and live with forever . That sober life is my life’s goal
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 1 today
By the time I get to day 3 and after my addict self starts voicing in my head .
It says
“Go touch yourself inappropriately, pleasure yourself and MO”

that’s when I need to say “No”
I am not doing any of that ever again

the it will say
“Come on logon to chatroom it’ll be fun you can chat Filthy and it will be fun and pleasurable touching your self and chatting “

that’s when I should say
“No it is not fun . It’s a burst of fun yes and then full of shame regret and self pity and loss of confidence and erosion of happiness from life, I don’t want that!, I want real life intimacy with my partner without any guilt and shame associated with it , that’s what I want “

And then so on I should confront and conquer the addict voices in my head and guard my sobriety fort for the rest of my life .

That’s what I want to achieve and live with forever . That sober life is my life’s goal
You know, reading what you've decided to do made me think about my situation and in my case that type of "confronting the addicted me by saying opposite things" has rarely worked. It becomes the "Do it/Don't do it" type of thing. I feel like a better alternative is ignoring. It's that thing when thoughts come into our head and we must not give them attention, that's what the addicted "us" wants, it wants attention because with attention it can make his move to try to convince us to use. As soon as we engage with him in a debate, we have given him attention already. The best way in my opinion is to see the thoughts and then ignore them and focus on something else. Having something to imagine instead of porn/chatrooms/past euphoric moments etc. could help a lot, it used to help me very much. When I had success with my streak, what I did was to start playing something else in my head as soon as the porn images started playing in my head. Like for example, imagining myself practicing how to throw a basketball. I did some basketball in high school but I'm complete shit at this game. It doesn't matter, I imagined myself throwing the ball, trying to do spinning moves, crossover etc. so I could take the focus away from the porn images because the mind needs a point to focus on, hence why one of the things in meditation is to focus on breathing in and out, count the breathes, focus on a mantra etc. Focus on something so you don't focus on what you don't want to focus on, you know what I'm saying. But it's crucial, it's a matter of seconds. And I know it's easier said than done, I know, but not impossible and anything that is not impossible, it's doable.
 

GeminiMan

Active Member
@Escapeandnevercomeback
Well said . 2 days back when I was 5 days cold turkey sober . I was alone and there was a sexual energy build up below my diaphragm and chest and it was actually physical sensations along with mental boredom/loneliness and it was after a sumptuous lunch in the afternoon I felt these things .

so in reaction to that I started touching myself inappropriately imagining euphoric moments and then I had the thoughts and urges to pick up the phone fire up the browser and type chat site url to chat filthy and then MOed .

This is the same flow that happens every single time . Same cycle repeats on and on .

So I know what I have to get out of , just that at the weakest moment while I am experiencing physical and mental sensations I am unable to hold my nerves or mind away from the train of sensual thoughts and acting out to guard my sobriety.

you said this right all this debates and confrontation happens in milliseconds . May be within 1/10th of the time we take for an eye to blink . But that’s the amount of time we have to come out of it without being convinced to give in and actually carry on with life .

and then the mind is a wind gust it flows back there again at some point where we don’t want it to go and we need to divert it again . I think that’s the only way out for most of us .
Do it or Die giving in” I guess is the fate of most users here .
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
@Escapeandnevercomeback
Well said . 2 days back when I was 5 days cold turkey sober . I was alone and there was a sexual energy build up below my diaphragm and chest and it was actually physical sensations along with mental boredom/loneliness and it was after a sumptuous lunch in the afternoon I felt these things .

so in reaction to that I started touching myself inappropriately imagining euphoric moments and then I had the thoughts and urges to pick up the phone fire up the browser and type chat site url to chat filthy and then MOed .

This is the same flow that happens every single time . Same cycle repeats on and on .

So I know what I have to get out of , just that at the weakest moment while I am experiencing physical and mental sensations I am unable to hold my nerves or mind away from the train of sensual thoughts and acting out to guard my sobriety.

you said this right all this debates and confrontation happens in milliseconds . May be within 1/10th of the time we take for an eye to blink . But that’s the amount of time we have to come out of it without being convinced to give in and actually carry on with life .

and then the mind is a wind gust it flows back there again at some point where we don’t want it to go and we need to divert it again . I think that’s the only way out for most of us .
Do it or Die giving in” I guess is the fate of most users here .
That's right. Nobody said it's easy. Diverting your attention from the hypersexual thoughts is not easy. It's a habit taken to extreme, very deeply ingrained in the brain. After reading William's thread, even the first few pages, I've understood one thing, he was basically the only one who has ever made me exceed my limits, I've understood one thing: You can't quit porn addiction by keeping your dopamine levels high because the definition of porn addiction is keeping your dopamine levels high. We need to not give attention to the hypersexual thoughts created by our porn world. It's not easy, it was very hard, imagine those days when I was having mad urges (extreme arousal) and I forced myself not to play the porn in my head. It worked. It works. And I think this is a habit too, this can become a habit too and it needs to become a habit: Diverting the attention from the hypersexual thoughts. It needs to become a habit for us. As soon as they start, we need the automatic response of "looking away" from them, so to speak. The addicted brain will try aggresively to make us use porn. Images, memory of past great sessions etc. are one of its best tools. Cut the tools from the source and the brain can kiss goodbye. But I know all this is not as easy as it sounds but it can be done. If a broken guy like me could go for 50 days without porn by only doing this thing, then it must be something, it's opened a different perspective in my mind one where I can get longer streaks if I want to. But because I am a fuckin alcoholic, all that went out the window, I lose my streaks because I can't stay away from drinking, but this is a different discussion.
 
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