Man_in_30s_trying_to_quit_from_last_10years

[stepbystep]

Hang in there man. Recovery is a tough process, but you are actively making the effort to stop. Most people don't even do that. Recovery is also work. Could you get an accountability partner in the real world? Could you get help from recovery groups? Those were steps I took that really helped for me. I've recently restarted the recovery process because even though I never went back to my old porn habits, I still have middle circle behavior that I'm trying to completely get rid of.

 

[GeminiMan]

Thanks for your encouraging words @StepbyStep.

I do not have an accountability partner in real life. I am kind of on my own.
I will not give up this fight until my last breathe. I do not want to give up the fight to recover , i have been dreaming of a complete recovery from the age of 16 . I was introduced to PMO at age of 15 by a friend in an internet cafe.how i wish i had never got into this at all

I have seen in my life that I am only a starter. i do not take the journey ahead. i relapse within 10 days mostly. That's my story so far. my best streak was 6 years ago when my kid was born .
it was 25 days clean streak.

I will try requesting an accountability partner now to see if that helps, there are no recovery groups near me where i can meet in person and also for maintaining anonymity i am not comfortable going to real meets.
I relapsed 2nd time in a day today so i am writing again here today. I am totally down in swamps today.

here is my performance as of today -
2016 - 95 relapses
2017 - 97 relapses
2018 - 71 relapses
2019 - 56 relapses as of today (my target for 2019 was 46 which i blew already !!! need to slow down this year now - big time ).
2020 - Target (15 Relapses)
2021 - Target (5 Relapses)
2022- Target ( 1 Relapse)

best clean streak in 2019 - 17 days
best clean streak in 2018 - 18 days
best clean streak in 2017 - 10 days

 

[stepbystep]

There are also online meetings with complete anonymity: http://www.slaaonline.org/ . It has a 12 steps focus. I am not really religious, but it still helps me.

 

[GeminiMan]

day 4 of clean run today and hope to keep it going as long as possible.

last 5 days has been stressful and dejecting work life wise and so feeling low but thankfully it has not led to a trigger or a relapse .

I am trying to keep myself industrious/busy through out the day squeezing in new projects in the middle of daily routines and that has been helpful so far.

 

[Pdub]

This shit is hard to do.  If it was easy no one would have a problem with it.  You're trying to take the high road which is commendable. 

You identified some of your triggers and even were able to avoid giving in.  That's huge! Celebrate your successes and learn from the hard times.

I believe in you man.  Keep it up and keep checking back in.

 

[GeminiMan]

@Pdub , Thanks for your encouraging words man .

onto 5th day and cruising today .

I Agree.

this is hardest and the sweetest forbidden fruit to give up . that said the key thing to remember is that the forbidden sweet fruit is hollow and poisonous inside , its gonna bring lot of tears and pain once we eat it but appears to be the sweetest on the outside.

Let's keep reminding ourselves each day that we are giving up a deceiving habit which is poisonous , we are not giving up a true reward of life. its just a habit that steals the truly rewarding life from us, time and time again.

 

[GeminiMan]

6th day PMO free today and feeling good about myself.

its been busy and i am looking to keep it that way. my scary days are 9/10/11.

hoping to get past that this time.

busy is good. let's keep busy until we get sleep.

 

[Lero]

6th day PMO free today and feeling good about myself.

its been busy and i am looking to keep it that way. my scary days are 9/10/11.

hoping to get past that this time.

busy is good. let's keep busy until we get sleep.

For 6 days I was alright but then starting with day 7, things got scary quick. It could get really hard so be prepared for that. Just stay away from porn, don't search for any material. Urges lower their intensity after peaking so let them do that. Contrary to what our addiction tells us, we actually don't have to act out when urges come.

 

[GeminiMan]

8 days PMO free and feeling positive.

I have relapsed a lot of times on 8/9/10. so here i come 8-9-10. looking forward to get past you this time!

keeping busy and engaging in interesting new projects seems to have a dictating effect on my behaviour towards PMO.

I feel we definitely need something you love to keep you busy and away from PMO .

 

[GeminiMan]

9 days PMO free and feeling good.

I see that though urges are not troubling me at this time. I feel a sense of loss that there is something I am missing. I am scared that this feeling will take me back to PMO. this is getting trickier now.

I hope I can hang on and keep marching forward.

 

[Lero]

That's right. We feel this "sadness" for leaving porn behind because porn produces a big dopamine hit. This dopamine hit used to feel good, we loved it so much, so now it feels like losing the fun of our life. But don't worry. Don't listen to it. It will eventually go away with time. I feel this "sadness" too, like I've ended my friendship with my best friend and I won't see him again.

 

[GeminiMan]

Thanks Lero.

onto day 10 today. but that was not easy to get past day 9.

i had to fight with 2 triggers on day 9 late night.

first trigger i think was out of the sadness of leaving PMO behind for 9 days. my triggers are usually to start sexting and then go on to PMO.

unfortunately I started typing messages on a sexting site on 9th night but I was able to resort to meditation and gain back my composure in a few minutes and then I went to sleep.

second trigger was at about 2.30 am when i suddenly woke up and walked out of the room and grabbed my phone and started sexting
I was able to fight this trigger too by resorting to meditation one more time , (closing my eyes and meditating while under attack from a trigger, wherever I am and when ever under attack has helped me fight back many times and regain composure)
I was telling myself over and over that I can't loose it here on 9th day.

finally after few minutes i stopped typing on sexting site and was able to go back to sleep and sleep well.

That was a tough battle ! (big sighs)!

day 10 morning I made a resolve , that I will not act out by a trigger and visit a sexting website that may lead to PMO eventually for me. day 9 was inches close to a PMO relapse and resetting the clock to day 0.

but just because i fought so well , which was a new behaviour in me that I am only seeing lately, i am not resetting the clock to day 0 .
also I did not slip into PMO last night despite being attacked by 2 triggers.

I hope to keep the day counter moving on,  while "accepting the sadness" that I am indeed letting go off a friend who was indeed an enemy after all.

 

[Lero]

The dopamine hit is awesome for our brain, it's obvious why it makes us feel like we're losing the best thing ever. But it's one of the many ways our addiction tries to keep us hooked. We must not listen to it.

One of the great steps to make is learning how your porn behavior works. You seem to do this. If sexting is what sabotages you, then you know what you have to do: Eliminate it completely. You've come a long way already because you are able to stop yourself pretty fast now you have to push the barrier further and stop yourself before you even start. Don't search for porn material either and you will have a great start. I know this will feel like shit but it's a must. When you don't give dopamine to your addiction, it reacts violently but fuck it. How cares? We have the last word. It's us who decide if we give it dopamine or not, no matter how much it asks. It's our choice in the end.

 

[GeminiMan]

Thanks for listening everyone.

Lero thanks for your valuable thoughts.

Day 10 - The urges and dopamine blast was so intense that I visited sexting sites at my work place today and i kept sending messages.
              Once I reached home things were calm, but only untill everyone went to sleep. I stayed awake lurking late untill night and It was me conspiring against myself, driven by the overly powerful urges to visit sexting site.

in the end i ended up about 3 hours on sexting site and followed by PMO. i lost it.

if i introspect now on what might have led to this relapse -
it was me eating lot of food on day 9 night that may have triggered the urges also it was 9th day so i was feeling low.
the feeling of "sadness" that i had left sexting and PMO for 9 long days was also a contributor to urges firing up.

so lessons learnt are -
eat less or only so much your body needs, exercise daily.
once you cross day 8 in a clean streak it gets tricky as we move on to more tougher zone. I still have not cracked this zone (10-16 days) consistently . so my advice to everyone is stand strong by your decision to quit when you are presented with situations which are so very tempting and mind cravings after day 8 can get stronger, there is no option but to deny these cravings if we want to succeed. let your very strong resolve help you stay focused in the vulnerable moments.
That is all i have to say today . good luck to all.


starting at Day 0 today-
hoping to get past day 10 this time.

 

[NewStart04]

man_in_30s_rebootingnow

Thanks for sharing. I definitely see some parallels between our recovery experiences. Being alone and isolated is definitely one big factor that keeps me coming back to this addiction. Opening up on this forum and YBR have been really helpful so far, though I have yet to do so with a person I know in my private life. I am planning on doing this in about two weeks from now. How about you? Do you think there is anyone in your life that you could open up to about your addiction?

Although it isn't solely confined to overeating, I have noticed that I am more prone to relapsing when I experience physical discomfort from an eating experience. This may be going out on a limb here, but, when I am aroused, I often feel this tight clenching in my gut. Maybe some of the discomfort caused by eating mimics these sensations and ends up triggering cravings? Not sure, but I remember reading somewhere (I think in the book YBOP) that a lot of the physical sensations caused by anxiety mimic those that we experience when aroused, and that's why anxiety paired with porn use can cause bigger blasts of dopamine and make sexual experiences feel more novel for addicts.

You mentioned that you suddenly woke up in the middle of the night and grabbed your phone. I used to have this exact problem. So I decided to keep my phone far away from my bed, and this has done wonders because I sleep in a loft and the time it takes to climb down from bed and walk over to my phone is enough for me to wake up. Before, I would reach for my phone half-awake and already be looking at porn before I was fully conscious. You probably don't sleep in a loft, but what if you turned off your phone every night and/or put it in a different area of your house? You could use a normal alarm clock to wake yourself up, and then those night time slip-ups would be a thing of the past. This may not solve all your problems, but it would be one less pitfall you'd have to worry about, right?

Don't give up. You and your family deserve better than what this addiction has to offer.

 

[GeminiMan]

Day 2 of soberity .

This time my goal is to go past 10 days and much ahead may be upto 90 days if i can go on untill that step.

I want to change my approach to this problem this time a little bit and try to fail in a new approach rather than continue with old methodoligies , that way some day I discover the approach that works .

I am going to stay away from sexting , PMO and even writing my journal here on rebootnation untill i relapse next time.

That way i am almost trying to forget that I was even a sexting and PMO addict when i look back after 'x' number of days .
I will come back and write about how it went when i do relapse.

and if you guys don't here from me then I am cruising along with the reboot.

Good luck and prayers for all of you rebooters for your success in recovery and reboot. I pray you all succeed soon and find happiness in your respective lives.

See you on my next relapse ( or perhaps on my 91st day of clean streak. i want to get there this time).

 

[The Unhappy Fapper]

dude no relapse man. By saying that you're basically expecting to fail. Stay strong man, this demon needs all the strength you have to defeat it.

 

[malando]

dude no relapse man. By saying that you're basically expecting to fail. Stay strong man, this demon needs all the strength you have to defeat it.

interesting, dude thinks words matter for others, but doesn't think they matter for him... ironic...

 

[GeminiMan]

i relapsed on day 11 this time and again on day 12 today to sexting. there were no porno pics or vedios i needed to relapse. just the sexting. so thats my trigger.

I will start over again from tomorrow trying to get past 11 days.

 

[GeminiMan]

day 1 today -

my last approach of trying to forget that i am even an addict didn't work.

I also forgot that i need to take precautions to avoid a relapse.

if one can forget about past addictions and also at the same time ingrain precautionary habits in their lives. i think that will be a wonder. but, that is barely possible.

so my goal this time is ,yes , definitely forget that i am a sexting addict /porno addict and tell myself again and again that i am recovering and install that self belief , at the same time also install precautionary habits in my life that are working everyday for me by steering my mind, attention and life away from sexting and porno addiction.

5 things i am targeting to bring into my life on a daily basis -
1. eat healthy and control quantity.
2. indulge in my favorite activities that steers me away from negativity( in my case learning new skills).
3. daily schedule discipline.
4. Exercise daily and tell myself in mirror that i am recovering from my addictions to install self confidence firmly.
5. at last when needed indulge in real physical sex only with my partner to loose the urges.

by using these 5 tools i am looking to break away ahead of 11 days this time and hit that golden number of 90 days of sobriety.

I am sure if i do these regularly and bring in some consistency gradually in these habits without fail i will see some significant degree of success with my recovery.

throughout my adulthood, i have been so good in planning but poor and inconsistent in execution. I am looking to turn around the later part , the execution part with this new life.

I also pray today for all my friends here that are trying to recover and reboot.

I will update my journal from time to time but may not be able to visit daily. Good luck guys and let us experience liberation soon.

Let God bless us all.