Man_in_30s_trying_to_quit_from_last_10years

[GeminiMan]

I have reached a stage where there is deadlock between myself and my addictive mind . Neither are winning or loosing .

my addictive mind pulling me to chatrooms
And I pulling out of chatrooms .

it’s a turmoil inside my mind .
I think what I need to do here is to start thinking
“Let me have my way this time and see what bad thing may happen to me . I will not die for sure . Let me push my limits now “

and so I may be pulled to chatrooms again but I should not let myself be pulled anymore and stand it firm now ! Let me start to take my calls now this is my life I need to be in control of how my days and nights are to be like … not my addictive beast anymore dictating my actions and days n nights and Fate of my recovery !

Moving on !

 

[GeminiMan]

This pull to chatrooms won’t stop . I am resisting it but I am not standing it firm and withering those mental pulls and it is not letting me go by my normal routine . It means it is there to get me now !

It’s tough but if I make up my mind and constantly remind how it can fool me into misery the path forward should get easier with practice and perseverance and positive micro choices

 

[Phineas 808]

It means it is there to get me now !

"it" is just a thought, a concept. "it" is simply signals from the lower brain, empowered by the power of habit. All you have to do is recognize that this is not you, and that you can outlast any urge... This pull will get weaker and weaker as you refuse to feed or fight it, just breathe through it until it passes. Rinse/repeat.

 

[GeminiMan]

I didn’t outlast those waves of urge they got me today .

my new sobriety date is 07/19/2022

lessons learn are :
I cannot outlast urges while still feeding them even if In small quantities the poison is poison and will only make the urge more powerful and uncontrollable for me .

all I had to do since last 3 days was to avoid any supply of explicit content to my mind and I would have succeeded to hold myself sober and relieved of urges at some point

instead what I did was fed the urge explicit chats periodically and stopped sometimes then again chatted as I get urges fed more chatroom sessions and hoped to get back to sobriety somehow . No that doesn’t work . Wrong approach to follow if I truely want to recover

I can wither the urges only when I let urges pass through and avoid any supply of explicit content to mind and eyes and body while I outlast the urge .
Untill next time ! Then as @Phineas 808 said rinse/repeat .

that’s how you get sober .
not the way I did by continuing to access explicit content and pulling back and pushing forward over and over that simply doesn’t work
I cannot have both “the waves of momentary pleasure” and “happiness of sobriety”
One is a choice I make to give up another and it will always be the same for ever a hard choice to make for myself

my new sobriety date is 07/19/2022

 

[GeminiMan]

I didn’t outlast those waves of urge they got me today .

my new sobriety date is 07/19/2022

lessons learn are :
I cannot outlast urges while still feeding them even if In small quantities the poison is poison and will only make the urge more powerful and uncontrollable for me .

all I had to do since last 3 days was to avoid any supply of explicit content to my mind and I would have succeeded to hold myself sober and relieved of urges at some point

instead what I did was fed the urge explicit chats periodically and stopped sometimes then again chatted as I get urges fed more chatroom sessions and hoped to get back to sobriety somehow . No that doesn’t work . Wrong approach to follow if I truely want to recover

I can wither the urges only when I let urges pass through and avoid any supply of explicit content to mind and eyes and body while I outlast the urge .
Untill next time ! Then as @Phineas 808 said rinse/repeat .

that’s how you get sober .
not the way I did by continuing to access explicit content and pulling back and pushing forward over and over that simply doesn’t work
I cannot have both “the waves of momentary pleasure” and “happiness of sobriety”
One is a choice I make to give up another and it will always be the same for ever a hard choice to make for myself

my new sobriety date is 07/19/2022

It all started Friday night when I casually was watching tv alone in living room after eating a lot of food(overeating and 6 days fully sober = cue)

While watching tv I casually logged on to chatrooms to check on and while I touched myself inappropriately
This was the craving

And when I started seeing flying explicit texts the primitive brain started firing canons of momentary pleasure bombs
This was the reward

and then guided by my education about recovery and help from prefrontal cortex I pulled myself back out of chatrooms as and when I found myself chatting for 3 days while progressively spending longer time for chat sessions
This was the recipe for failure

and here I am as a result at day 0 introspecting and coping with the relapse somehow .

This is my life pattern right now
Abstain -> relapse -> regret -> abstain

This is my life pattern I wish I was
Abstain -> sober-> real life fulfilling sex -> Abstain

Can I change my life ?
Yes I can
What will it take ?
Discipline , conviction , High self awareness and can do attitude
Do I have it in me ?
I feel yes but it hasn’t manifested yet
Who will manifest these qualities and follow through on them?
None other but I , I have to cultivate these myself
What will I gain if I do achieve sobriety ?
Constant supply of happiness(of course with day to day mundane ups and downs)due to leading a sober life free of regrets and shadows
What will I loose if I get sober ?
shame/regret/disgust about myself/low self confidence and waves of momentary pleasure
And self hatred and self pity
So what do I do now?
Work on cultivating heightened self awareness, discipline, conviction to sobriety and pursue my hobbies and projects with full vigor .

my sobriety date is 07/19/2022

 

[GeminiMan]

"it" is just a thought, a concept. "it" is simply signals from the lower brain, empowered by the power of habit. All you have to do is recognize that this is not you, and that you can outlast any urge... This pull will get weaker and weaker as you refuse to feed or fight it, just breathe through it until it passes. Rinse/repeat.

So important to recognize the mental pull as this is not me

Only then I could ignore it and move on

 

[Phineas 808]

Good job, Gemini Man, in writing a recipe above for victory! I like how, instead of wallowing in self-pity (which we're all akin to doing when faced with lapses), you instead analyized where things went 'wrong'- and I would agree, it was the feeding of former habits that encouraged it. Then, you motivated yourself and sharpened your focus.

I have every confidence that you will come out even more wiser and with a sustainable victory than ever before!

 

[GeminiMan]

Nowadays not just chat rooms but I have also another problem bothering me like hell .

Strong mental urges to cheat on my wife and have an outside fling . I have created numerous online dating profiles and then took a hard look at myself and deleted them .

I feel my mind and so my marriage is in a bad state .

I need to figure this out in my head and not make hasty decisions at this point in y life which could jeopardize multiple lives . It is nothing more than “chasing fantasies” and I am very sure I will ruin my marriage if I don’t get this right .

What I want to do here ?
Stop fantasies of an extra marital affair or casual flings with random women and stop chasing women online and get dopamine high in this chasing process only to realize after I f up with someone that this is not what I wanted . It’s gonna happen if I don’t hold myself here

 

[Phineas 808]

So important to recognize the mental pull as this is not me

Only then I could ignore it and move on

Indeed. Do research on Addictive Voice Recognition Technique (AVRT). You'll see that it related initially to alcoholism (thank you, Jack Trimpey!), but so many have applied it to eating disorders and other addictions. I've been successful in applying it to P, PMO, MO.

So important, and it answers why the ambivalence between where we want to go, and also why we seem to sabotage that... So important to recognize that 'addictive voice' (AV) from the lower brain.

 

[GeminiMan]

Indeed. Do research on Addictive Voice Recognition Technique (AVRT). You'll see that it related initially to alcoholism (thank you, Jack Trimpey!), but so many have applied it to eating disorders and other addictions. I've been successful in applying it to P, PMO, MO.

So important, and it answers why the ambivalence between where we want to go, and also why we seem to sabotage that... So important to recognize that 'addictive voice' (AV) from the lower brain.

Sure ! Will do some reading n research on this stuff . Thank you @Phineas 808

 

[Phineas 808]

Nowadays not just chat rooms but I have also another problem bothering me like hell .

Yes. Working on our marriages is certainly an ongoing process. And all these behaviors threaten this. But you are addressing these things.

See this other problem as related to the main addictive behavior anyway, it's just an expression or symptom of the same thing. See it all as one, and treat it in it's entirety. We may think of it like a multi-headed hydra dragon. But, we're the hero in this scenario. Don't feed one head of the dragon while trying to cut off another head. We have to 'slay the whole thing', because it's all related.

 

[Phineas 808]

Sure ! Will do some reading n research on this stuff . Thank you @Phineas 808

Definitely, brother!

 

[GeminiMan]

I relapsed again today
Went from my email to chatrooms to P site and spent around 1 hour in all this no MO but it is indeed a relapse for sure .

I think I am resetting sobriety date way too often almost every other couple days . It obviously is not working .

The reason for my relapses is not that but still I want to see some sort of progress when I say day 1,2,3 etc I know I am not accessing explicit content for those last 3 days and need to build on top of it so I am hoping that will drive me to longer my sobriety streaks .

so switching back to day counting . Any day I access explicit content - I will reset to day 0

so day 0 today .

 

[GeminiMan]

I know what is to be done but I am not doing it I am conspiring against myself by convincing myself that I cannot abstain .
Self sabotage
Self deception

 

[GeminiMan]

Here I go day 1 again

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

I know what is to be done but I am not doing it I am conspiring against myself by convincing myself that I cannot abstain .
Self sabotage
Self deception

I know bro. I know everything about self sabotaging. My tendency is to do this all the time but I'm trying to resist. It's hard work every day to avoid the temptation, to stay away from the desire to lose myself in the pleasure, to stay away from that fukin voice that tells me fuck it, forget about this struggle, pleasure is easier. There is no magic reset button, unfortunately, you need to go through the suck first to make it to the escape.

 

[Phineas 808]

You will do it, Gemini Man! Sometimes it's a matter of re-building confidence in your own ability to make decisions or keep commitments. These things are severely compromised in our addiction, and so our will seems weak, and to a degree it is. Consider the habits that surround your (bad) habits, whatever starts 'the ritual' if there is one. When you find yourself changing a small habit it gives you confidence to address the unwanted behavior.

 

[GeminiMan]

I know bro. I know everything about self sabotaging. My tendency is to do this all the time but I'm trying to resist. It's hard work every day to avoid the temptation, to stay away from the desire to lose myself in the pleasure, to stay away from that fukin voice that tells me fuck it, forget about this struggle, pleasure is easier. There is no magic reset button, unfortunately, you need to go through the suck first to make it to the escape.

I think we are experts in throwing our sobriety and commitments into trash can in the face of arriving waves of short lived highs of P .

Now is the time to learn and hold on to the ground and preserve the sobriety in our hearts and let the hurricanes of short lived highs pass us by until it’s peaceful and calm out there again.
and then yes “make this a part of who we are”

Basically fake that we are masters of sobriety until we make it for real .

 

[GeminiMan]

You will do it, Gemini Man! Sometimes it's a matter of re-building confidence in your own ability to make decisions or keep commitments. These things are severely compromised in our addiction, and so our will seems weak, and to a degree it is. Consider the habits that surround your (bad) habits, whatever starts 'the ritual' if there is one. When you find yourself changing a small habit it gives you confidence to address the unwanted behavior.

Those are things I am Terrible at in my life as well as reboot . Same attitude flows around in all areas of my life .

I have been bad at these but I will turn the tables around these themes in my life -
Keeping my words
Keeping my commitments.
Saying No when I have to.

 

[GeminiMan]

day 2 today