Man_in_30s_trying_to_quit_from_last_10years

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GeminiMan

Well-Known Member
Day 4 relapse . I couldn’t hold myself from fantasies I tried to observe them and let them pass but they got stronger and got me acting out big time and I relapsed :(

day 0
 
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GeminiMan

Well-Known Member
Escapeandnevercomeback said:
Yes, it is an useful part of the plan.
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so as per AVRT anything and everything that pulls us towards unwanted pleasures of life are called a BEAST and we need to recognize them and avoid them.

bit extreme I thought. but may be by thinking of anything and everything that pulls you towards over indulgence in any pleasures of life
we will be able to indulge in various pleasures of life in a limited way only which we truly need for our survival and leave everything else out of our day to day. sort of leaning down our pleasure indulgence . This was my understanding or AVRT.

Any other thoughts? !!!
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
GeminiMan said:
so as per AVRT anything and everything that pulls us towards unwanted pleasures of life are called a BEAST and we need to recognize them and avoid them.

bit extreme I thought. but may be by thinking of anything and everything that pulls you towards over indulgence in any pleasures of life
we will be able to indulge in various pleasures of life in a limited way only which we truly need for our survival and leave everything else out of our day to day. sort of leaning down our pleasure indulgence . This was my understanding or AVRT.

Any other thoughts? !!!
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When you are addicted you can imagine yourself having two sides: The addicted you and the real you. The addicted you says things that rationalize why it is a good idea to use. And if the real you agrees with it, then you use. There is a book that is all about AVRT, called "Rational recovery". It's about identifying all the things the addicted you says to you to convince you that porn is neccesary right now. I guess the book is about alcohol but it can be used for other addictions too. I was doing a little bit of this before reading about it. I think it removes the autopilot. You can catch yourself thinking about using.
 
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GeminiMan

Well-Known Member
Relapsed .
Hopped onto dating sites today out of curiosity/boredom and then had a dopamine escalation after chatting with couple ladies and then MO . Classic screw up typical me.

Finally reconciled myself to delete the dating profile and thenMOed to P videos.

it was so bad that all this happened while I multitasked my work on other work laptop .

I see that I am mentally unwell . Or so I feel after todays incident of Relapse while multitask working .

I feel I have 0 honesty to my family or my job .
and 0 self integrity to be sober and committed I don’t even give a Damn to my mental well being and balance .

Last thing I want this BEAST to take away is my health(mental/physical) , Negative impact on my job and family and wealth.

I feel like I am scratching surface of the bottom to find more room to fall in my life .


Day 0
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
GeminiMan said:
Relapsed .
Hopped onto dating sites today out of curiosity/boredom and then had a dopamine escalation after chatting with couple ladies and then MO . Classic screw up typical me.

Finally reconciled myself to delete the dating profile and thenMOed to P videos.

it was so bad that all this happened while I multitasked my work on other work laptop .

I see that I am mentally unwell . Or so I feel after todays incident of Relapse while multitask working .

I feel I have 0 honesty to my family or my job .
and 0 self integrity to be sober and committed I don’t even give a Damn to my mental well being and balance .

Last thing I want this BEAST to take away is my health(mental/physical) , Negative impact on my job and family and wealth.

I feel like I am scratching surface of the bottom to find more room to fall in my life .


Day 0
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There is always a way to build a momentum. It only takes some suffering and then it will happen. For a week I've felt deprived of pleasure, missing alcohol and porn and feeling depressed as fucked but I kept doing the KDL (Keep Dopamine Low) by not paying attention to porn (visual and imagined/thoughts). I've been staying away from alcohol because it makes me relapse. It sucks big time but I have to do it. Meanwhile, all it takes is a small step to fall from the tightrope but I need to be careful and focus. How do you stay on the tightrope? You focus on what you have to do, you don't think about the tightrope. Just when you think you are fucked with no way out, it will happen.
 
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GeminiMan

Well-Known Member
Escapeandnevercomeback said:
There is always a way to build a momentum. It only takes some suffering and then it will happen. For a week I've felt deprived of pleasure, missing alcohol and porn and feeling depressed as fucked but I kept doing the KDL (Keep Dopamine Low) by not paying attention to porn (visual and imagined/thoughts). I've been staying away from alcohol because it makes me relapse. It sucks big time but I have to do it. Meanwhile, all it takes is a small step to fall from the tightrope but I need to be careful and focus. How do you stay on the tightrope? You focus on what you have to do, you don't think about the tightrope. Just when you think you are fucked with no way out, it will happen.
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Good work escape . I hope to build some clean streaks in coming days
 
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GeminiMan

Well-Known Member
Day 1 today.
I am seeing that my personal cell phone/laptops have become a trigger for me .

I will use them as sparingly and as publicly as possible to improve my chances of sustaining a low dopamine diet .
 
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GeminiMan

Well-Known Member
GeminiMan said:
Day 1 today.
I am seeing that my personal cell phone/laptops have become a trigger for me .

I will use them as sparingly and as publicly as possible to improve my chances of sustaining a low dopamine diet .
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This self promise of first abstaining from over use of triggering electronic devices is a long overdue one to fulfill .

My wife has also warned me several time that this is indeed the cause of my addiction to P.

So it is high time I folow through on this commitment or just be a jerk .
 
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GeminiMan

Well-Known Member
Ending day 1 sober .
I am done playing victim .

Only I can make myself a victim no one else .

I know how to avoid an accident while driving fast on the road .
How come I don’t know how to avoid accidents while rebooting and recovering .

I know how to escape firewalls and get to explicit content .
howcome I don’t know how to restrict myself from overindulging in cell phone usage or blindly surfing internet on laptop looking for that stupid high .

I know how to escape family time cheat them lie to them and to get to loneliness to touch myself inappropriately.
How come I don’t know how to be sober in my acts day in day out .

I know everything… I do nothing
That’s my problem and I have to fix it . No body else is coming for me .
 
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GeminiMan

Well-Known Member
Found this read interesting helping you to uncover the purpose of your life .
It has a equation of sort :) to sum it up.

The equation for purpose of life is
G + P + V = P.
(gifts + passions + values = purpose)

I think it’s vital for P conditioned folks like ourselves to look at the big picture , the purpose of our life .

Is my purpose of living to -
1. Endlessly Chase the dopamine highs ?
2. Endlessly seek pleasures ?
3. Am I able to satiate my never ending wants of pleasure ? If not why ?
4. what do I really want ? How do I get that ?

these were Some questions popped up in my mind after reading article .
www.takingcharge.csh.umn.edu

What Is Life Purpose? | Taking Charge of Your Wellbeing

Your life purpose consists of the central motivating aims of your life—the reasons you get up in the morning.Purpose can guide life decisions, influence behavior, shape goals, offer a sense of direction, and create meaning. For some people, purpose is connected to vocation—meaningful, satisfying...
www.takingcharge.csh.umn.edu www.takingcharge.csh.umn.edu

Good read !
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
I like this.

This is so important that it really must be emphasized over and over again.

Good one Geminiman!
 
downhillfromhere

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Escapeandnevercomeback said:
Yes, this is a very important topic. What happens often is that if people don't have something to live for, they end up living for pleasure, vices and the like (This is me unfortunately). Now, how do you find that thing to live for? Many people don't like their jobs, so they can't focus on that as their purpose in life or whatever. Hobbies? If you are good at something but you don't make money of it, does it count for this? Does it make you feel like your living for something? I don't know, man. Some people's life purpose is having a family, raising kids. I have to admit that I have no idea how to find my life purpose, unfortunately, and it sucks to say this at 31. I have a well paid job, I'm not crazy about it, I like some parts of it, I hate other parts and that's about it. I have many hobbies and I don't have time for all of them, I do them but I won't master any of them as I can't focus on one because I don't want to drop the others. But I don't make money of them. Now, what purpose in life could you find? Helping others? getting good at something and becoming famous for it (but is this feeding your ego?). Or, let me put it differently, are my expectations too high? Because I have an inferiority complex, I've been battling it for a long time, I think it comes from the bullying in school. And I find myself having this obsession with doing something big to impress people and get attention. It's not healthy for my mind anyway.
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I can relate to this so much. I’ve been struggling with finding meaning myself, been trying so many things but not really getting good at anything like you say.

For me, getting away from porn is part of the process of reconnecting with what I really want to do. To get that gut feeling back. To feel good doing the things I know I enjoy doing.

I always thought I had to become excellent at something to be worth something. It’s a misguided way of thinking, and it ensures that it will never happen. Only if you truly chase what gives you meaning, will you become great at it. And enjoying the struggle and the practice is the only way we will ever be content.

I think happiness can elude us because we think if we can get this or that, become more successful, attract someone, then we will be happy. One can argue that there’s no such thing as happiness, but I at least think we can become happier by focusing on being in the present moment at being grateful for what we have.
 
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GeminiMan

Well-Known Member
downhillfromhere said:
I can relate to this so much. I’ve been struggling with finding meaning myself, been trying so many things but not really getting good at anything like you say.

For me, getting away from porn is part of the process of reconnecting with what I really want to do. To get that gut feeling back. To feel good doing the things I know I enjoy doing.

I always thought I had to become excellent at something to be worth something. It’s a misguided way of thinking, and it ensures that it will never happen. Only if you truly chase what gives you meaning, will you become great at it. And enjoying the struggle and the practice is the only way we will ever be content.

I think happiness can elude us because we think if we can get this or that, become more successful, attract someone, then we will be happy. One can argue that there’s no such thing as happiness, but I at least think we can become happier by focusing on being in the present moment at being grateful for what we have.
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Totally agree
Gratitude(Enjoy what you have today) is one of the pillars of the happiness Tower .
other pillars I think are
sobriety
doing something good for others and
Enjoying life’s numerous pleasures within boundaries of sanity and limits of human body and mind.
 
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