I relapsed again today .
I don’t have an explanation of why .
some weird fantasies travel through my mind and then I slip into chatroom and feel disgust about myself and came out . Day 0
At once I thought while in chatroom
“may be I am bluffing myself BIGTime !!
There is no enemy ! No reboot ! It’s all bluff !
It’s all okay to relapse when you want !! It’s nothing bad ! Nothing good ! Everything is okay ! So keep chatting keep having fun fantasizing”
these were thoughts that I had which then later turned to disgust about myself and my mind said
“What is forbidden is what mind craves more for! Just close this nonsense out and let’s get to work . Let’s start over you can do it ! You CAN leave this behind ! Now let’s go ! “
then I came here to write my thoughts .
I am tired fighting this fight !!!
bottom line .
“I have not been able to stop myself “
“I still think internally that relapse is good for me!”
“I need to train my thoughts and attitude enough until automatically I reject P just how I automatically reject alcohol when my friends at the restaurant insist asking me to just have one drink ! , if I can resist drinking , which is not something I enjoy anyway and millions are addicted to it ! I MUST be able to resist P also ! Don’t I make sense ?”
There is a deviation from commitment to sobriety that happens every single time I recommit .
so it might be a good idea to recommit to sobriety every single day(preferably in morning) and but still keep the counting on but really treat my sobriety accomplishments time bound only for 24 hours and earn as many consecutive 24 hours of sobriety as possible which eventually will translates into week/month/year automatically.