Man_in_30s_trying_to_quit_from_last_10years

GeminiMan

Active Member
Had a slip last night on day 8 where I found myself chatting in the chatroom . I had to manage the raging urges somehow and back to safety . Still my mind is in chaos because of the slip up .

All I can do is recommit to sobriety each day and move on from these urges which are troubling my mind . It is uncomfortable for sure to deal with them . I have to hold my nerves and move on from here not giving any chances to P to get to me .

Urges will subside for sure and that’s what I am looking forward to now .

Day 9
I am committed to sobriety for the next 24 hours I am taking this one day at a time .
Next 24-48 hours will be a test for sure . I am not scared I won’t die if I deny myself P
 

GeminiMan

Active Member
Had a slip last night on day 8 where I found myself chatting in the chatroom . I had to manage the raging urges somehow and back to safety . Still my mind is in chaos because of the slip up .

All I can do is recommit to sobriety each day and move on from these urges which are troubling my mind . It is uncomfortable for sure to deal with them . I have to hold my nerves and move on from here not giving any chances to P to get to me .

Urges will subside for sure and that’s what I am looking forward to now .

Day 9
I am committed to sobriety for the next 24 hours I am taking this one day at a time .
Next 24-48 hours will be a test for sure . I am not scared I won’t die if I deny myself P
While I was in chatting last night the thoughts in my mind were something like this-

“Let’s chat and MO … you are so tired go have fun”

“Ooh shit here I am AGAIN. I need to get myself outta here right now!”

“You’re so much exhausted common have some fun it’s alright”

“Ooh shit I am accepting a large bag of pain and regret as I type words in this chatroom it’s coming and I will be so sad in sometime if I MO Or continue to chat here “

“Dude it’s all about stopping yourself and pulling your self outta danger no matter how painful that seems to walk away from P . Just do it ! Don’t think of negative consequences of pulling yourself away from P . It’s only going to be nice and peaceful and pleasant positive feelings once you walk away ! Now let’s get outta this shitty place! Close that browser!”

I see that part of my mind is trying to help me where as other part wants me to be addicted and MOing endlessly .

I become what I choose !
I own my destiny .
 

Blondie

Respected Member
It’s only going to be nice and peaceful and pleasant positive feelings once you walk away ! Now let’s get outta this shitty place! Close that browser!”
I love this, describing your inner dialogue.

You're a brave man for writing this out! It's crazy what our minds will tell us in the heat of the moment.

Keep it up Geminiman!
 

GeminiMan

Active Member
Day 9
I logged onto chatroom again and again closed it
I don’t know why I do this .

7-8 days abstinence then frequent visits to chatrooms then MO on a following day . That’s the pattern .

I am going to break this pattern of revisiting chatrooms from now to help myself hit a longer streak . One more chatroom visit and I will call it day 0
 

GeminiMan

Active Member
No chatroom logins since my last post .there was one moment in the night when I was on my laptop where I had a thought of slipping into chat sites but I had other pressing work to be completed so I stuck it out with my work and went to bed . I am gonna turn on site blocker rules on my router to make myself feel safe again when I am around internet facing devices.

Day 10 today
I am committed to sobriety for the next 24 hours I am taking this one day at a time .
 

GeminiMan

Active Member
I did logon to chatroom and chatted filthy touching myself but didn’t MO .


I have to punish myself by reset here because I did not hold myself from accessing explicit content .

day 0
I want to restart my counting
One day at a time!
 

GeminiMan

Active Member
day 1
Taking this One day at a time!
I realize I have fallen behind in my recovery partially because of my phone addiction. I have to keep my phone away from eating away my days and nights . I am going to focus on reducing my screen time to help myself hit a longer streak this time .
 

GeminiMan

Active Member
Day 1 today
I relapsed last night because I couldn’t go to sleep good and kept lurking in the night and chose to pick the phone up and mindlessly browse and chat .

I did exactly that what I should not have !
I am demonstrating how not to live my days and nights to myself and others .

one of my enemy(real person from my past) had said this to me once to humiliate me in front of others that
“I am a demonstration of what a man should not be in his life”

He was right About that for all the self sabotaging habits and behaviors I play out in my life .

I will do everything to prove him(and other enemies in my mind the habits) wrong and see myself rise and shine to be a model man .
This I promise to myself.
 
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GeminiMan

Active Member
Day 1 MO ed to P sites . Lost money .

Can’t see a bright future for myself
I may have to live with this addiction for rest of my life .
I Feel so low and helpless and powerless in front of this P habit and the super strong attachment my mind and body has to it .
It’s brutal force to be facing in my life .
Help me god . Help me help myself. I am defeated and on my knees here

Back to Day 0
 
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GeminiMan

Active Member
New day
New streak
Day 1 . 1 day at a time .
I will be resetting to day 0 upon searching for explicit content or when I act out in any ways .

so might be a lot of resets coming my way but that’s okay . My goal is to Focus on the day at hand and get on clean into next day . That’s all!
 

GeminiMan

Active Member
Day 1 wanked at P and MOed
It was that P site access I purchased yesterday . I closed the subscription and locked myself out of that account . I am never going back there . Also turned on the P site blocker on router .

Day 0
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Use those blockers for all they're worth! I don't think willpower is always what keeps us away from P, in the long run it's futile without having a plan. It's all in the methods we use to stay away, and creating these "physical" barriers is a great way to start.

What are the situations you most often get triggered in? Sitting in front of the computer, or mobile phone use? Might be worth thinking about what you can do to remove yourself from those situations for a while or switch things up in any way.

Good job on closing that subscription! Burn those bridges.
 

GeminiMan

Active Member
I have no problems burning my bridges to P and building walls around me !

I am a f•ckin veteran when it comes to that !

My deep troubles rise fiercely from inside of me come to haunt me when I am so quick to rebuild those bridges to P when triggered after 7-8 days of pure abstinence.

Thats my life’s worst nightmares right now I don’t know how to deal with em !
 
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