Let’s get there for sure in 2022! Good luck
Man_in_30s_trying_to_quit_from_last_10years
- Thread starter GeminiMan
- Start date
Today morning I wanted to do my online classes and I went to my work room early in the morning at my attic . I was going through my work as thoughts of exploiting this lonely moment came into my mind and there I go “ I went back to get my phone and started chatting on chat rooms and then ended MO ing to chats “. It was a self disgust moment again that I did not even hit 7 days sober this time .
if I could have stopped this from happening there was just one moment split second thought process and decision that determined the outcome for me .
the moment at which my mind said
“Yes this is the moment of loneliness let’s go and have fun and MO now”
I actually said
“Yes let’s do it” and that’s why I failed again
I actually should have said in that split second to my craving brain
“No ! I am not doing it again . I want to reboot . I want to get healed , you are going to destroy me again from within and make me suffer … No I won’t do it “
And then I should have continued working on.
But it may return with a stronger urge comes back in my mind then I should have again said
“No I won’t do it “
comes back again !
“No I won’t do it”
comes back again !
“No I won’t do it”
comes back and pleads and begs and makes it look actually so really nice !
“No I won’t do it “
then it goes away .
But …
After couple days it comes back again
“No I won’t do it don’t come back to me inside my mind “
comes back after 4 days with headache and irritability and anger and sadness
“No i won’t do it , you’re playing me to relapse”
comes back and makes me feel terrible terrible sad and lost and hollow
“No I won’t do it “
and so on I should deny to fend off the mental urges off again and again and again .
I wish I would have learnt to say NO! to craving mind at age of 18. I am 35 and I still say “Yes” unfortunately !
I think this is what I am suppose to do to get free of this slavery of chat room addiction and or PMO.
It feels for me that I am better prepared this time starting day 1 tomorrow.
I will make every effort to go past 100 days this time .
MI30S
if I could have stopped this from happening there was just one moment split second thought process and decision that determined the outcome for me .
the moment at which my mind said
“Yes this is the moment of loneliness let’s go and have fun and MO now”
I actually said
“Yes let’s do it” and that’s why I failed again
I actually should have said in that split second to my craving brain
“No ! I am not doing it again . I want to reboot . I want to get healed , you are going to destroy me again from within and make me suffer … No I won’t do it “
And then I should have continued working on.
But it may return with a stronger urge comes back in my mind then I should have again said
“No I won’t do it “
comes back again !
“No I won’t do it”
comes back again !
“No I won’t do it”
comes back and pleads and begs and makes it look actually so really nice !
“No I won’t do it “
then it goes away .
But …
After couple days it comes back again
“No I won’t do it don’t come back to me inside my mind “
comes back after 4 days with headache and irritability and anger and sadness
“No i won’t do it , you’re playing me to relapse”
comes back and makes me feel terrible terrible sad and lost and hollow
“No I won’t do it “
and so on I should deny to fend off the mental urges off again and again and again .
I wish I would have learnt to say NO! to craving mind at age of 18. I am 35 and I still say “Yes” unfortunately !
I think this is what I am suppose to do to get free of this slavery of chat room addiction and or PMO.
It feels for me that I am better prepared this time starting day 1 tomorrow.
I will make every effort to go past 100 days this time .
MI30S
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
That's the voice of the addicted beast within you. You've done a good job identifying it, so it can't catch you by surprise.
@Escapeandnevercomeback
Yes brother , you’re right .
the addictive beast is sitting inside our mind quietly hiding and watching us and waiting for the right moment to Strike!
no matter how careful we are , it tries to be one step or even at times 5 steps ahead of our plan in the game . So I guess the only way to beat this is to pray to god and then prepare yourself well for fending off the desires , pre-meditate , simulate the fight inside your Mind , and then when real life situation asks you questions . Answer it with your honest righteous and sober actions
I am meditating on this at least 100 times per day this line to help myself now
“I am a REBOOTER ! I do the right things at the right time, every single time”
This meditation seems to be helping me a bit internally I feel good and feel prepared !
I am also going to do fasting intermittently to help my reboot progress from time to time .
We all need to RESIST and FEND OFF urges again and again untill the addicted mind becomes so weak that it looses its hold slowly but gradually over our minds “
That’s what want from life !
That’s the sign of Progress !
That’s the light at the end of the tunnel .
God Bless you all . Never give up my friends
Educate yourself, Practice and Get FREE , heal yourself and then go on to heal or help others throughout your life !
Day 4 today -
I have had 3 short peeks into P sites and 1 peek at Chatroom.
but able to somehow convince myself and pull myself back out of it each time .
so my counters looks like this
P -> 0 days
Chat rooms -> 1 days
MO -> 4 days
I have been researching urge surfing now with some intermittent fasting to help my body and mind stay calm and composed .
I need to avoid these peeks which are irritating me sometimes out of no where I find myself lonely and peeping into a P site on phone .
That is after disabling blockers . “Those are bad urges indeed “ that make you unblock your phone to get a peep .
I look forward to make more progress with some help from new found weapons of fasting and urge surfing .
MI30S
I have had 3 short peeks into P sites and 1 peek at Chatroom.
but able to somehow convince myself and pull myself back out of it each time .
so my counters looks like this
P -> 0 days
Chat rooms -> 1 days
MO -> 4 days
I have been researching urge surfing now with some intermittent fasting to help my body and mind stay calm and composed .
I need to avoid these peeks which are irritating me sometimes out of no where I find myself lonely and peeping into a P site on phone .
That is after disabling blockers . “Those are bad urges indeed “ that make you unblock your phone to get a peep .
I look forward to make more progress with some help from new found weapons of fasting and urge surfing .
MI30S
Day 5 today
Feeling pretty optimistic to go on another 3-4 days at least without any hiccups . I don’t know what it is inside my mind that makes me feel this way that yes I can go another 4 days without much problem . Let’s see if I can keep that going longer .
My friends, keep reminding yourself over and over -
“P and P subs are a a big waste of time , they are pain givers any day , they come in and forcefully occupy our minds and actions and hand us over a truck load of Guilt , Pain , Shame and regrets which then we need to carry the burden through out our life time “
Let’s make a resolve -
“We won’t let P and P subs have our attention our time or our actions “
Next time P or P subs jump up inside our minds
We will go do something else -
“ Either I will go take a walk outside , or I will watch news or I will read a book or talk to someone or just Meditate until we feel positive “
MI30S
Feeling pretty optimistic to go on another 3-4 days at least without any hiccups . I don’t know what it is inside my mind that makes me feel this way that yes I can go another 4 days without much problem . Let’s see if I can keep that going longer .
My friends, keep reminding yourself over and over -
“P and P subs are a a big waste of time , they are pain givers any day , they come in and forcefully occupy our minds and actions and hand us over a truck load of Guilt , Pain , Shame and regrets which then we need to carry the burden through out our life time “
Let’s make a resolve -
“We won’t let P and P subs have our attention our time or our actions “
Next time P or P subs jump up inside our minds
We will go do something else -
“ Either I will go take a walk outside , or I will watch news or I will read a book or talk to someone or just Meditate until we feel positive “
MI30S
I'm not willing to discourage you, but i think you cannot succeed because you don't have the mindset of a winner. You're trying since 2019 if I'm not wrong, and today is your day 5 of your rebooting. C'mon man, are you kidding? You always relapse and postpone the reboot!! Remember your habit of postponing will become stronger and stronger day by day and there will never be such time when the change will take place. Nobody will tell you like this, because everyone here thinks that no matter what, you will improve if you wish to, but i say you will never accomplish as you keep doing the same mistakes again and again despite of knowing the useful strategies, protocols. Wish you luck man! PEACE OUT
@Honey98$
Thanks for your words and reading my blog .
well it is true that I am a BIG procrastinator when it comes to reboot . I should have hit multiple 100 days reboot by now since I started writing in 2019 .
I will make sure to get atleast two if not three 100 day streak in 2022!
your inputs are really helpful. Thanks bud
MI30S
You can do it bro! Just remember you're stronger than your habits. It's you who built them and only you have the power break them. Come stronger this time
Day 6 -
It was late in the night and I was alone and everyone else had slept . I got a trigger to exploit the lonely moment and there I went started browsing P and Cam sites and then I tried to leave it and save myself from the MO but I couldn’t do so . For almost about 4 hours I was browsing the cam sites and in the middle sometimes I pulled myself out only momentarily only to log back into cam sites several times on phone . Finally I MO Ed on a P site and lost it today .
There was one moment at which I should have made the right decision-
“The moment at which I was lonely and I get this thought to have a Peek into a Cam site”
had I stopped myself at that moment I would have progressed into Day 7 .
I know where I needed to stop myself but I didn’t stop myself and so I suffered this relapse .
I also should have stopped myself from accessing P sites and chat rooms for short peeks last several days . Then it would have built up the urges untill a point where I cannot hold myself anymore .
Day 1 tomorrow again .
I am saying sorry to my inner self my true self, my essence that is not addicted and wants me to be sober in life . I should not be repeating these same mistakes again .
Day 1 tomorrow.
It was late in the night and I was alone and everyone else had slept . I got a trigger to exploit the lonely moment and there I went started browsing P and Cam sites and then I tried to leave it and save myself from the MO but I couldn’t do so . For almost about 4 hours I was browsing the cam sites and in the middle sometimes I pulled myself out only momentarily only to log back into cam sites several times on phone . Finally I MO Ed on a P site and lost it today .
There was one moment at which I should have made the right decision-
“The moment at which I was lonely and I get this thought to have a Peek into a Cam site”
had I stopped myself at that moment I would have progressed into Day 7 .
I know where I needed to stop myself but I didn’t stop myself and so I suffered this relapse .
I also should have stopped myself from accessing P sites and chat rooms for short peeks last several days . Then it would have built up the urges untill a point where I cannot hold myself anymore .
Day 1 tomorrow again .
I am saying sorry to my inner self my true self, my essence that is not addicted and wants me to be sober in life . I should not be repeating these same mistakes again .
Day 1 tomorrow.
On Day 1 .
i am just reflecting on my past and how I could have done so much better in my life with respect to rebooting and addiction.
again I am here at day 1 the ground zero point.
The reboot I am aiming for is to have no P consumption on screen ,No chatroom logins No explicit content consumed anywhere else but only allow myself to have sex with my wife.
That is what I want to achieve .
I have let myself down over and over again acting so powerless and coward when triggered, ignoring the alerts and cautions my mind wave at me when In trouble . Desperation , Self destruction by unblocking phone rules and what not . All I can say is I am abusing my sober self totally in various different ways and not letting myself have a successful reboot .
I am committed to a successful reboot now with zero tolerance for my complacency , procrastination and self destructive behaviors I do to kill my reboot .
Looking forward to go far , farther and farthest possible . I only have myself to control . Myself to stop . I will do it right now on .
MI30S
i am just reflecting on my past and how I could have done so much better in my life with respect to rebooting and addiction.
again I am here at day 1 the ground zero point.
The reboot I am aiming for is to have no P consumption on screen ,No chatroom logins No explicit content consumed anywhere else but only allow myself to have sex with my wife.
That is what I want to achieve .
I have let myself down over and over again acting so powerless and coward when triggered, ignoring the alerts and cautions my mind wave at me when In trouble . Desperation , Self destruction by unblocking phone rules and what not . All I can say is I am abusing my sober self totally in various different ways and not letting myself have a successful reboot .
I am committed to a successful reboot now with zero tolerance for my complacency , procrastination and self destructive behaviors I do to kill my reboot .
Looking forward to go far , farther and farthest possible . I only have myself to control . Myself to stop . I will do it right now on .
MI30S
What are you going to do differently? I have had countless stops and starts on this, most of which I haven't documented in this forum, just doing the same old same old plan of "just don't use". I have historically done all the same self sabotaging you mentioned, including finding my way through blocks etc. This time finally feels different because I rethought everything about the situation.
Why do I use? What is the underlying emotional cause?
What situations lead me to the urge to use?
How can I eliminate these situations? Aggressively.
What other behaviors do I "use" similarly to porn? How can I eliminate or drastically reduce these too? They activate the same useless brain pathways.
What do I want in my life? Does using give it to me? (Hint: it doesn't)
What DOES give me what I want in my life? How can I fill my life with more of this?
How can I stay focused on the UNDERLYING EMOTIONAL CAUSE and dealing with that appropriately? Are there books on how to deal with it? Should I see a therapist? Can I talk it out with friends?
What makes me actually feel good? Not the fake feel good of momentarily drowning the emotional issue. The real feel good of feeling peace in what I am doing.
I've finally realized this isn't going to go away casually. I built a life around unhealthy coping mechanisms, including media, social media, and PMO. I have to tear down the old life and build a new one that addresses the real issues and focuses on what actually makes me happy. There is no half-hearted. I don't believe the focus should be the use of P and MO. It is the WHY underneath it all, with eliminating P and unhealthy MO as a piece of the overall puzzle. Are you ready to fundamentally change your life for the better? Then I believe you need to seriously consider all of these questions, write it all down if you need to, and find the answers.
Wishing you the best.
Why do I use? What is the underlying emotional cause?
What situations lead me to the urge to use?
How can I eliminate these situations? Aggressively.
What other behaviors do I "use" similarly to porn? How can I eliminate or drastically reduce these too? They activate the same useless brain pathways.
What do I want in my life? Does using give it to me? (Hint: it doesn't)
What DOES give me what I want in my life? How can I fill my life with more of this?
How can I stay focused on the UNDERLYING EMOTIONAL CAUSE and dealing with that appropriately? Are there books on how to deal with it? Should I see a therapist? Can I talk it out with friends?
What makes me actually feel good? Not the fake feel good of momentarily drowning the emotional issue. The real feel good of feeling peace in what I am doing.
I've finally realized this isn't going to go away casually. I built a life around unhealthy coping mechanisms, including media, social media, and PMO. I have to tear down the old life and build a new one that addresses the real issues and focuses on what actually makes me happy. There is no half-hearted. I don't believe the focus should be the use of P and MO. It is the WHY underneath it all, with eliminating P and unhealthy MO as a piece of the overall puzzle. Are you ready to fundamentally change your life for the better? Then I believe you need to seriously consider all of these questions, write it all down if you need to, and find the answers.
Wishing you the best.
Day 2 today -
@logicprox -
I see where you are coming from.
I have not tried to uncover what lies beneath my needs to use P or chat rooms to MO .
I think I should journal down my behaviors and prior situations and moments to dig deep into what is really going on beneath it all !
again , I may not be a well qualified therapist or addictions counselor to do this but I know everything that has gone with me in my life so I should be able to question myself deep and gain more insights into myself .
One thing I know for sure is ,
When I am alone it’s a BIG trigger and unfortunately I do get lot of lonely time through my day . and I cannot change that .
Another trigger for me is a sobriety streak of 7 or more days . Yes , my mind starts spinning these desires that it has been 7 or 10 days since I had fun MO ing to chat rooms or P so that’s another BIG trigger by itself .
I have tried fasting to keep relapses at bay .
Fasting really does help momentarily but mind and body craves double the food once the break the fast leading to binge eating and followed by MO ing to P or chat rooms and , there are multiple other ways my addiction finds it’s way in and destroys my reboot .
it just feels IMPOSSIBLE I will ever get over this atleast for now in my life . But I don’t want to give up my wish to be sober and free of compulsive behaviors . So I guess there is a way out for my unique situations and lifestyle I need to find that breakthrough.
I will keep trying
“Who knows what it is ,that is causing my relapses numerous times and what is the root cause , in the end the main reason behind my all addictions could be something that will resurface by itself showing itself clearly to me as I make progress in my reboot and learn to live sober life “
Again , thanks for making me think in this direction @logicprox It does make a lot of sense to journal your heart out when you have a chance to uncover ones hidden motives and wishes from life. I will try that surely
may be that is the way to go for some people in their unique reboot journey.
MI30S
@logicprox -
I see where you are coming from.
I have not tried to uncover what lies beneath my needs to use P or chat rooms to MO .
I think I should journal down my behaviors and prior situations and moments to dig deep into what is really going on beneath it all !
again , I may not be a well qualified therapist or addictions counselor to do this but I know everything that has gone with me in my life so I should be able to question myself deep and gain more insights into myself .
One thing I know for sure is ,
When I am alone it’s a BIG trigger and unfortunately I do get lot of lonely time through my day . and I cannot change that .
Another trigger for me is a sobriety streak of 7 or more days . Yes , my mind starts spinning these desires that it has been 7 or 10 days since I had fun MO ing to chat rooms or P so that’s another BIG trigger by itself .
I have tried fasting to keep relapses at bay .
Fasting really does help momentarily but mind and body craves double the food once the break the fast leading to binge eating and followed by MO ing to P or chat rooms and , there are multiple other ways my addiction finds it’s way in and destroys my reboot .
it just feels IMPOSSIBLE I will ever get over this atleast for now in my life . But I don’t want to give up my wish to be sober and free of compulsive behaviors . So I guess there is a way out for my unique situations and lifestyle I need to find that breakthrough.
I will keep trying
“Who knows what it is ,that is causing my relapses numerous times and what is the root cause , in the end the main reason behind my all addictions could be something that will resurface by itself showing itself clearly to me as I make progress in my reboot and learn to live sober life “
Again , thanks for making me think in this direction @logicprox It does make a lot of sense to journal your heart out when you have a chance to uncover ones hidden motives and wishes from life. I will try that surely
may be that is the way to go for some people in their unique reboot journey.
MI30S
Day 3.
It was a high stress day at work and some major changes happening with my life about my business right now.
In the afternoon I was feeling this constant urge to MO after lunch to relieve the built up inside me.
I took the laptop to my attic and started chatting in chatrooms and ended up MOing and followed by guilt surrounding me for the rest of the day.
I could see that when it was most needed and I needed to stop myself I chose not to stop for a moment and before I knew there I was with glue in my pants , I had MOed and there ends another short streak.
Did I learn anything from this ?
Yes , I learnt that I should stop myself otherwise the auto pilot my body and mind does is to get me MOed without any care for what guilt I need to go through after the fact.
Day 1 tomorrow .
It was a high stress day at work and some major changes happening with my life about my business right now.
In the afternoon I was feeling this constant urge to MO after lunch to relieve the built up inside me.
I took the laptop to my attic and started chatting in chatrooms and ended up MOing and followed by guilt surrounding me for the rest of the day.
I could see that when it was most needed and I needed to stop myself I chose not to stop for a moment and before I knew there I was with glue in my pants , I had MOed and there ends another short streak.
Did I learn anything from this ?
Yes , I learnt that I should stop myself otherwise the auto pilot my body and mind does is to get me MOed without any care for what guilt I need to go through after the fact.
Day 1 tomorrow .
I feel like a hypocrite . I talk a lot , write a lot and what not.
but when its the moment to exhibit self control and righteousness and commitment to reboot. I am a wus and that is all there about me.
and then I hope someone on this forum cheers me up to make me feel better and encouraged. I feel worse that after I relapse countless times I am wasting time of others too who are reading my blogs here . They are up to reading my sad relapsing stories all the time instead of reading something useful that will help them reboot successfully in their next try at least.
Again , I am trying to earn some sympathy from someone here. I don't know how to deal with this , no I don't know how to punish myself for this.
only way I will punish myself is by trying again this time to go on a longer streak at least more than 3 days.
MI30S.
but when its the moment to exhibit self control and righteousness and commitment to reboot. I am a wus and that is all there about me.
and then I hope someone on this forum cheers me up to make me feel better and encouraged. I feel worse that after I relapse countless times I am wasting time of others too who are reading my blogs here . They are up to reading my sad relapsing stories all the time instead of reading something useful that will help them reboot successfully in their next try at least.
Again , I am trying to earn some sympathy from someone here. I don't know how to deal with this , no I don't know how to punish myself for this.
only way I will punish myself is by trying again this time to go on a longer streak at least more than 3 days.
MI30S.
We've all been there. Many times. Never a waste of time.
I don't think punishing yourself is really productive. For me that always just made me feel worse. The point isn't to take your lashes and feel guilt. That isn't productive. Need to focus on getting motivated, focused, and EXCITED to change.
Have you read Easy Peasy? It was actually really beneficial for me.
I don't think punishing yourself is really productive. For me that always just made me feel worse. The point isn't to take your lashes and feel guilt. That isn't productive. Need to focus on getting motivated, focused, and EXCITED to change.
Have you read Easy Peasy? It was actually really beneficial for me.
easypeasy
Painlessly quit pornography without any sense of deprivation or sacrifice.
easypeasymethod.org
Thanks for sharing the book @logicroxWe've all been there. Many times. Never a waste of time.
I don't think punishing yourself is really productive. For me that always just made me feel worse. The point isn't to take your lashes and feel guilt. That isn't productive. Need to focus on getting motivated, focused, and EXCITED to change.
Have you read Easy Peasy? It was actually really beneficial for me.
easypeasy
Painlessly quit pornography without any sense of deprivation or sacrifice.easypeasymethod.org
am reading the easy prays book now . How long did it take for you to finish that book .
MI30S
I read it over a couple of days. I think somewhere in there he suggests taking your time to let it sink in. His logic is really sound, but it took a while for me to emotionally believe him. I do believe him now.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
I don't want you to get mad at me for saying this but I believe you are too hard on yourself, just like I tend to be (hopefully I will get rid of this). Being too hard on yourself can invite porn even more to offer "comfort". I know that when I hate myself, I don't have much success with the recovery. I don't have the ultimate solution, I don't think there is one, I believe that everyone has an approach that works for them and we should not stop searching for that plan that is particular to our lives and will help us succeed. It could be one thing, it could be several things, it could be a bigger picture, a bigger life plan or whatever, do some deep thinking and see if you can figure out how you should approach this. I've done this and I believe that abstinence from porn is not the only thing that I have to do, I will eventually spiral back to porn if this is all I'm doing. For me porn is a comfort zone, it's self-medication and unless I do something about this, about the trauma that I've been trying all my life to fix with "drugs", I will not fully recover. Yes, I could go 100 days without porn, maybe even this time, I've found a short term thing to use, but I have work to do. Some people seem to get longer streaks more easily, I don't, maybe you don't either, but it is what it is, we have more work to do but it doesn't mean we should not do it. I've read some of your posts and you remind me of myself, constantly relapsing with streaks under 10 days, over and over again, into an oblivion. That's what I've been doing for years. But I believe that a combination of things like short term habits, long term habits, trauma healing, building a better life etc is what I need and it's what I haven't been doing to the best of my abilities, I've been procrastinating a lot for years. It's time to up our games and work hard.
