Twenty-two years

Pdub

Member
Hello all you beautiful people,

This is my first entry of many.  I am 34 years old as of the writing of this topic.  Today marks 14 days being PM free.  Why not PMO? I'm in a relationship and have been married for 6 years on August 2nd, 2019.  I'm taking it slow and trying not to isolate myself too much from my wife.  I know it will take longer to move on and fully reboot.

I previously admitted to having an issue with pornography to her.  In reflection on my life I think that I've had this problem since I was very young, probably around pre-teens era.  I've been using pornography since I was twelve, or twenty-two years.  I tried to follow the program but fell off, slipping into my old habits.  I don't know exactly why.  I'm sure there were a lot of reasons.

Two weeks ago my wife and I got into it.  She literally asked me "Why don't you want to have sex with me? Do you not love me or do you think I'm unattractive?" I ended up revealing that I had relapsed and had been on the PM train again, and had been for the last year.  I may have only made it a month before I relapsed.  This caused a huge rift between us and broke a lot of trust.

This time is different from the last.  I've done much more self reflection, studying, participating in communities of others in similar situations, and reaching out for help from couples counselors.  In retrospect I think that pornography has caused most if not all of my previous relationships to fail.  I won't go into detail on each one of them, but I can clearly see how my pornography use affected them now and I feel terrible.

I feel used by the porn industry.  I was using a product which warped my psyche, damaged my relationships with others, and isolated me from society.  It's a terrible feeling that you unwittingly fell into a trap.  The revelation that society has oversexualized everything and porn is so easily accessible has made me resolve to avoid it at all costs.  It has very nearly caused my marriage to dissolve.  My wife and I are only hanging on by a thread at this point.

So ends my first journal entry.
 

Pdub

Member
Today I am doing alright.  I feel confident I can make it through the day without a relapse.  Today is day 14.

The urges are there, but I'm doing my best to ignore them, redirect the energy into positive activities, and reach out to others here.

I am grateful for the clarity of mind to see my problem for what it is.  I am grateful for my wife, my dog, and that I have a path forward to a better life.

Tomorrow I have my first couples counseling appointment.
 

Pdub

Member
Day 15 of being PM free.  Day 5 of PMO free.

This morning I'll be reading more from https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/tools-for-change-recovery-from-porn-addiction/ - looking into what has worked for others and trying to take a page out of their book.  I know several people have been successful in this process and if I can learn from what worked for them, maybe it will make my process a bit easier.

Today is my 6 year anniversary with my wife.  We will be going to couples counseling this afternoon to discuss both sexual issues as well as normal marital issues.  I feel ready to admit I have abused pornography in the past to the detriment of several relationships and I want to change.  My wife has said repeatedly she has a high libido and she thinks I have a low libido.  I don't believe that because of my pornography use and how it dulled my senses, making me less interested in physical sex.

I'll report back when the counselor said.  I am hoping for a positive outcome that touches on several concerns I have (not just pornography use in our relationship), but am fearful that we will end up focusing solely on my issue.
 

Pdub

Member
Day 20 of PM free.

I'm hanging in there.  Some cravings pop up at random times, but I'm slowly learning to control them.  I have been trying to find something around the house to fix or improve daily.  It seems to give my day focus and several things need to be done to meet each of those goals.  So far it has kept my day busy enough that I'm not even thinking about PMO.

The couples counselor I went to seemed like an old school 80's-90's sex therapist.  While she had a lot of good experience, she kept saying that she thought pornography was a tool to be used.  Point blank she said she didn't think someone could be addicted to using pornography, but I got her to relent that it may be self-destructive in some cases where it is abused for long durations of time.  Small successes, I guess.
 
J

J01

Guest
Hitting 20 days is huge-keep the battle going and keep fighting for the marriage.  Like you said, there is a path forward, and you are on it!
 

Pdub

Member
Day 21 PM free.  Day 6 PMO free.

I got up early today and took a bunch of stuff to the dump.  It had been cluttering my yard and garage for a long time.  While on my way back to the house I stopped at bikini espresso stand.  I thought to myself - "I've never been to one of these.  I wonder what it's like.  This isn't pornography, but a real woman, so it should be fine!" Doing so was pretty stupid.  $9 for drip coffee + $2 tip = $11 for a coffee and a peek at a scantily clad woman.

Afterward I'm now at home and having massive urges.  While yes I did seek out a real woman rather than one on a computer screen, it's made me realize how fragile this process is.  Any small trigger can snowball into something huge and cause a relapse.  I'm trying to remind myself now that PMO is not worth it, checking in and writing a journal entry, and will probably take a cold shower in a few moments.
 

NewStart04

Member
I really do hope that you are able to leave porn at the roadside and progressively heal your marriage. My last relationship (which unfortunately ended three years ago) was heavily damaged by porn. I am glad that you were honest with your wife, because I couldn't be completely honest with my ex. Instead, I lied by telling her I had a masturbation addiction, which doesn't even exist. I wish I had been honest with her.

This addiction makes us into fragile beings, but recovery slowly makes us stronger. I think mindfulness meditation might help you deal with the unexpected sucker punches that urges will sometimes throw at you. If you're interested, please check it out. It gives you a better fighting chance by making your response times quicker.

Keep up the good fight. 
 

Pdub

Member
Today marks day 27 PM free.  Day 5 PMO free.

The last five days have been a struggle.  The chaser effect is fucking real, and let me tell you: the last time I had sex with my wife, I almost immediately afterward was hardcore craving PMO.  It's been difficult to keep myself in check over the past few days.  Some things I've realized since my last entry:

I am looking at women less like objects.  Previously I'd glance at T&A and not give much of a second thought to who they are as a person unless they were already a friend I had open dialogues with.  I think in time this may help me be less shy around beautiful women and treat them like I would anyone else.  They are no longer on a pedestal.

I fantasize more frequently throughout the day about having sex.  Before I could go an entire day without even thinking about sex.  Until I got in front of a screen, that is.

I am still tempted, especially if I am bored, angry, or lonely.  Knowing your triggers and what sets you off helps tremendously to avoid PMO.

I am grateful for this website and the people who frequent it.
 

Pdub

Member
Today is day 28 PM free.  Day 7 PMO free.

I am working from home today instead of going into the office.  Many times in the past this has triggered a relapse for me and I end up with PMO.

If I feel the urges coming on, I will pack my shit up and go to a coffee shop to work.
 

NewStart04

Member
Pdub

I am also grateful that you frequent this site and continue to post about your journey. Thank you!

You already have a backup plan in case the urges try to blindside you. That's thinking ahead. Wishing you luck with another successful day of recovery.


 

GeminiMan

Well-Known Member
Pdub , I hear you.

those days when I work form home can be a real recipe for Relapse if not taken care of .

my plans on work from home days to keep away from PMO are eating less food on that day and Keeeping at /starting new projects that indulges me and keeps me away from bad.
 

Pdub

Member
Today marks 30 days PM free.  Fuck yeah!

The road ahead is still long and difficult to walk.  Every day it gets a little easier.

Today I am going to get out of the house and go to a renaissance fair.  Being out in public helps me avoid feeling lonely.  The theme of the fair is pirates.  There will be jousts and giant turkey legs and whatnot, so I shouldn't be bored.  Unless I'm challenged by a pirate to a duel, I don't think I'll become angry ;)

Hoping today will be a good day.
 

Pdub

Member
31 days PM free.

Yesterday was good.  My wife and I took the dog to the fair and surprisingly saw a lot of other dogs of the same breed there.  This year I engaged more people in conversation than I had at any other time I had gone to the fair.  Both about the dog and just casual conversation.

I have read about changes to your self-esteem when stopping the PMO cycle and wonder if this may have been part of what I experienced.  I have never been a very confident person in social settings.  For some reason it just felt natural.  I hope this continues and I can become more extroverted in the future.

That said there were a lot of women at the fair that we stopped to talk with.  Previously I would have regarded them as nothing more than T&A, probably leering at them like a troll, but after talking to some of them I caught myself thinking, "wow she was really nice.  I hope I cross paths with her again.  maybe we could be friends."  I don't think I could even tell you what their bodies looked like as I was keeping eye contact with their faces the whole time.

Today I am back to work at the office.  I hope today will be an easy one and I can avoid any triggers such as anger.  My boss has been fairly negative lately and it shows.
 

NewStart04

Member
Pdub

Pdub said:
Previously I would have regarded them as nothing more than T&A, probably leering at them like a troll, but after talking to some of them I caught myself thinking, "wow she was really nice.  I hope I cross paths with her again.  maybe we could be friends."  I don't think I could even tell you what their bodies looked like as I was keeping eye contact with their faces the whole time.

This is awesome. I am trying to get myself to spend more time outside my place when I am not working, which I have been doing, but to be honest women are just so triggering to me still (not just T&A but faces, hair, thighs...almost anything). I am jealous but also glad that you are starting to be able to move beyond that.

Sorry to hear about your boss. I have had some less than ideal ones, and they can really cloud up your day.

Take care!
 

Pdub

Member
Day 32

I woke up with extreme urges this morning to PMO.  I'm struggling to even write this journal entry.  I know that these urges will pass if I give them enough time, so I am re-reading my previous entries and reminding myself why I'm doing this.  Reading entries from others and how badly it affects their lives.  Reading entries from others on their success and how they have changed their lives.

I think my best chance today is to stay in a public space if the urges get too great.
 
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