Recovery Journal

Dear Journal,

The last couple of days, I've been relapsing and it doesn't feel good. Tonight I got really scared that my sexual tastes are getting more sensational and relying on shock factor to get aroused causing me to seek out degradation porn that doesn't align with my values as a person. Not only have I experienced some of the usual impacts of prn usage like depression loss of sleep, low energy and high anxiety, but also I'm deeply concerned with what porn is doing to my brains tendency to objectify women. I think I may need help combatting this addiction and I'm seriously considering getting the help of a therapist, but at the moment I'm very scared of needing to go through my parents in order to get therapy help and so I'm very scared of the idea of telling them why I want to get help and being judged. I don't want to be judged for this problem or have to be that vulnerable share my lack of self control when it comes to porn. I fear being seen as a sexual deviant and a bad person for liking sex/porn and getting any good feelings from it.

... More to come soon.
 

Arthur2

Active Member
Welcome in the community of people who cannot find help with their addiction in their circle of friends because they are afraid they will be seen as a deviant.

Welcome among the "sexual deviants" !
(We are normal men !!! We just misused our sexuality)

Here people understand what you go through.

I havnt told anybody either, except the people reading my journal.
Maybe one day i will tell people, after i beat this.
 

squid

Well-Known Member
Define your new story.  You recognized something in your life that is unhelpful and that has nasty side effects.  So you decided to do something about it and found us - a community successfully getting over this disgusting product.

Don't feel too bad, you are not a sexual deviate.  Almost every male is watching p, and most don't know how dangerous it is.  You know it is, that's significant.  P is a product backed by an industry making more money per year than all of Hollywood combined.  There are thousands of savy marketers, business analysts, investors, and production teams all working at least 40 a week to get you to sit on front of the screen and shape your sexuality to their vision.  All of those resources are tailored to target people in our demo.  Young men.  It's like big tabaco before moat of the public knew how cancerous it can be.  A lot of smokers died before the public mindset changed.

Write on your journal every day and stay away from pmo.  The good news is the brain is flexible and will reboot with time.

 
Nov 12 2019

I deleted my BDSMLR account today. I'm very scared. I'm worried that I will become depressed. I feel like that account was a crutch, a way of escaping into a world where I could always find people that agreed with me on my sexual tastes (objectifying women or male pleasure being more important that womens) and I was slowly falling into a rabbit hole of extremeness. I know there was both good and bad things I got out of being on that website but I felt the bad outweighed the good. I don't know how this will impact me know since I fell trapped sometimes when I'm in the regular world. The urge to escape hits me hard. But one thing I know is I need to control my anxiety and make it less necessary to run away. I just recently relapsed and it didn't feel good. I was starting to feel pretty good about not using porn and it was making my days better but relapse is a shitty feeling. Off to meditate I guess.
 

quitforeverthenwin2

Well-Known Member
Badass move that you deleted that account. Sorry about the relapse but great you deleted that account imo.

The fact that you are worried and that it hurts, is honestly probably good. Beating this addictive stuff, moving out of the online world into the real world, is hard and scary it can be upsetting. But that's what we're here for.

It's temporary discomfort of giving up the addictive stuff, in exchange for a truly meaningful life lived in the real world. It doesn't feel that way in the moment, but looking back when you have gotten through this pain and difficult, and are enjoying your new life I am pretty confident you'll view it as a fair trade.
 
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