Very likely to have a weird combination of venous leakage with pied. (25)

Relentless Observer

Active Member
Jeks,
I know you have a lot of tough things going on, but I am very impressed with your attitude overall and commitment to being porn free and to recovery and to figuring out the body issues.
I am hopeful you find answers and that over time you gain greater confidence and greater recovery.
Good luck,
Relentless
 

Jeks

Well-Known Member
Man, thanks Relentless.

You know, in real life i somtimes feel like a complete looser. I am 27, live with my parents, i am still studying, do have weird conditions i dont like talking about with others, do not have a lot friends (anymore), my ex left me because i cant get a boner. But you know, i know that 95% of people on this planet would have fucked up in my position and would either drown themselves in self-pity, would be heavily depressed or would have commited suicide by now. No to say, that i never was. I often was depressed and thought about suicide and laid days in bed, just criying about my situation. But i always stood up. Just in any way possible. And i take a lot of pride in the way i fought back. The thing is: often times its hard to remind myself of that, because there are not a lot of people (maybe non), which know the complete story, that i have been through and i am still going through. So hearing such a compliment from this forum, where people do actually know a lot more about me, really encourages me in what i do and i really want to thank you for this comment.
I have always told myself, that when i manage to come out of this fucking hole i buried myself in, i will be fucking superman. What will ever be able to crush me, when i have been able to go through this? I will have grown so immensily that i am exceptional in that way.
And on the other hand, there is no alternative. Either i am fighting to get happy again in my life (although i often felt no motivation and drive and felt completely hopeless), or i can kill myself right here, right now, because i would be living, but practically be already dead. I can kill myself or fight for my life. And i wasnt able to do the first, because i knew (even though i often times felt like, i am reaching the limit) that i did not do everything i could possibly try. So suicide was no option as long as i did not do anything i could do.
I am nearly out of this shit hole and damn i will enjoy ife, when i am back on the surface. I am studying right now, it gets late in Germany. But since my bladder is functioning again i need to pass these exams in two weeks. And i will pass these exams. There is no other option, no alternative.

So thanks again, and also thanks to all the poeple, who supported me thus far. We gotta get out of this. There is no other way. Keep trying. Some days will be more difficult than others. But you always gotta try. You can crawl out of this hole.

Okay, ended on a bit dramatic note, but so be it. :)
 
D

Deleted member 17609

Guest
Sounds good, man. I agree with Relentless, you have a very good attitude, you can be proud of yourself. Keep it up, friend.
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Jeks said:
Man, thanks Relentless.

You know, in real life i somtimes feel like a complete looser. I am 27, live with my parents, i am still studying, do have weird conditions i dont like talking about with others, do not have a lot friends (anymore), my ex left me because i cant get a boner. But you know, i know that 95% of people on this planet would have fucked up in my position and would either drown themselves in self-pity, would be heavily depressed or would have commited suicide by now. No to say, that i never was. I often was depressed and thought about suicide and laid days in bed, just criying about my situation. But i always stood up. Just in any way possible. And i take a lot of pride in the way i fought back.

We love you for your courage man. Keep fighting to make a difference in the world.
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
Jeks, I went through the last few pages of your thread, very inspirational..keep up the good work and keep posting. I look forward to reading more of your recovery. It gives me motivation.
 

Jeks

Well-Known Member
Thank you brothers, your support makes a difference!

I will today reach out to the hospital to get an appointment. I hope covid does not stop that from happening.
Besides that i started getting a little nervous at night. My bachelor is pretty much on the line the upcoming weeks and i got to show some results. It sucks that my bladder pushed me in that kind of a situation, but i gotta keep encouraging myself with hopeful thoughts, that i can do this.

In terms of porn and ED ad stuff: I still did not have a wet dream. Its now nearly 2 months, which is VERY uncommon for me. I know that i often times dream about women and sex. Sometimes i also dream about porn, but most often i am fighting with myself about closing a porn site and in the end i think i manage to close it.
I suspect that my compulsive urge about sex and porn got weakened so much, that i can just dream about sex, without engaging in it too much subconsciously. If thats the case, i think that would be a pretty good sign. Some guys, who recovered also report, that their wet dreams got less and less over time.
My nocturnal and morning erections are not really the strongest they have ever been, but i sometimes feel like they are staying a little longer.

Lets keep going guys
 

Jeks

Well-Known Member
Because of the covid situation, they dont give any appointment right now...
Pretty down of course. But i am already planning on searching for another doctor, who can do the test. I guess i wont go to the doctor, i went to a couple of weeks ago, but if thats my only choice to get a test in the next 2 months or so, i guess i would at least consider it.
 

Jeks

Well-Known Member
Had yesterday a bit of an off-day. I was just exhausted by the last days, because of the amount of work i was doing.
Not gonna lie, the response of the hopspital got to me a little bit.
Its really tough to stay in a hopeful state, when you are constantly just worried to put out fires or to keep them under control.
Everything i am working on right now is just full of questionmarks.

Dont know, its just tough at the moment. I gotta try to keep hopeful and patient. I gotta keep going in the right direction. I am making progress, its just a slow and painful one. Its most often a two-steps forward, one-step back movement. But its definitely going in the right direction.

There will be some way to overcome my ED, there will some way to get my bladder full on healthy, there will be a way to get my exams done. Besides that, pusruing those things is also my only chance to get happy one day. It is even worth it, even if it means more years full of exhausting work and pain. There is no other way to get out of this hole, except for keep on climbing.  It is only a matter of time.

It has already gotten so much better, compared to how i was doing two years ago. Just hang in there a little longer.
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Yeah man hang in there.

I feel what you say about putting off fires. It can be stressful to keep on thinking and worrying. But just stay hopeful and in the meantime, do things that are Healthy with regards to it, apply online practices for a healthier bladder or urinary system. Maybe eat more vegetables and fruits, exercise- Do what you can. I believe this will also help you feel in control.

Wishing you a full recovery soon. Keep pushing back
 

Jeks

Well-Known Member
Thanks chris, i'll try.

I am honestly considering to do the test with the urologist i was at a couple of weeks ago. Its for sure the earliest appointment i can get. And even if he's maybe not the best doctor in the world, how bad can he be?
If the test is positive for Venous Leak, i would make an appointment anyway in the hopsital i am currently trying to get an appoitnment at. If its negative, maybe i would do the same, but i would already be a little calmer. So i dont know, i think it cant really make the situation worse, only better. Not a 100 % sure though, but i think i tend to making an appointment with this guy.
 

Jeks

Well-Known Member
Thanks for your support chris,

I have got a little hope back.
Studies go well, bladder goes pretty well and i have got prospects of finding another doctor to get the test done.

Unfortunately there were no erections noticeable the last days. On the other hand i still did not have any wet dreams, which at least is a change. Change is most likely good i would say.

 

Jeks

Well-Known Member
Had eventually a wet dream yesterday. Whats interesting is, that i dont remember the dream. I am not a 100% sure, but it could be, that i did not even dream about anything sexual. Normally i would always remember the dream. For me it may be a sign, that my sexual dreams really tone down a bit and are not as intense as they used to be. We'll see how this whole thing develops.
Had a little firmer erection in the morning as usual.

I have an important exam on wednesday, but my head is in the right place right now. Bladder is going okay, so i am not worrying about that. May get a sooner appoitment with another doctor, so i am not worrying too much about that. I do okay in the other subjects, so i am not too worried about them.
 

Jeks

Well-Known Member
Little chaser effect, but nothing to worry. Bladder problem are gone right now. Exams are in two days and there is still much to do. Probably gonna be a long evening. But i am actually feeling good. Finally the bladder problems really feel out of the way. Lets just hope i have got no VL and life will befinally on a brighter side.
 

Jeks

Well-Known Member
Thanks chris, finding hope is always the most important thing to me.

Andjouned the exam. I am not allowed to fail this test. I did not feel prepared enough to feel like i have an extrodinary chance of passing. I will write it in exactly one month.
Even though i wasnt able to get that off the table, i am okay with the decision.

I am not sure, whether i will get a sooner appointment for the VL-test. But my mind is right now occupied with study stuff, so it doesnt bother me that much.

Not really much news in terms of morning wood or nocturnal erections.

I will have the next exam in one week.

I feel right now totally okay, not bad, but not great either. But thats totally okay when comparing it to the last months.

Bladder is doing okay.
 

Jeks

Well-Known Member
The amount the forum gets used is crazy. I suspect, that the lockdowns all over the world have a lot to do with it. Lots of time alone might have worsened the situation for a lot of people.

At least i am happy to say, that my situation got a lot better the last weeks. I am off my bladder medication and i am feeling great. Its exactly as it was, before all that shit started. I am still using the plant-based medication, but i already started decreaseing the dose.
Also i had for my standards VERY GOOD morning erections. Not a 100 %, but it stayed for a much longer time than usual, probably like 5-10 minutes or so. It did not stay when i was standing up, but thats definitely massive improvement.
I was more or less sure, that the whole bladder stuff affected my erections negatively and the better the bladder gets the more that seems to be the case.

With the new found progress and hope, its now my obligation to myself to start getting all the study stuff handled. The bladder problems caused a big setback in that regard. But its still not too late to steer the tanker away from the iceberg.
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Happy for you bro! Seems you're seeing the fruits of persistence and positive thinking.

Keep pushing, Keep winning!
Chris
 

Jeks

Well-Known Member
Thanks for your support bro, hope you also get better soon.

Today will be a trench war. Bladder goes well, so there are no more excuses. My studies and future is on the line. And i am tired of my mind trying to sell me the idea, that i am somehow capable of going trough porn addiction withdrawals and months-long bladder problems without going insane, but at the same time i am not able to prepare for an exam in the upcomming week. From that point on it is a question of will!
 

Jeks

Well-Known Member
It will get difficult. The lack of time and productivity, which were caused by my bladder problems, are cathing up on me. I have an exam on Thursday and do not feel prepared at all. Its not the end of the world if i dont pass it with the first try, but still it is not an easy situation, because all the different things will pile up.
Still the only way to break the cycle is to get healthy and to work myself back to business. Step one is pretty much done, so now i have got to fully focus on step two.
 
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