Stay strong my friend. I haven't had a girlfriend in I don't even know how long. I think it's been 5 years, maybe more, anyway. I know a breakup hurts but life goes on, even if right now that seems impossible. I'm not trying to compare my situation with yours, I'm just saying that I know how it feels, and if you get through this you will find yourself in a much better place.Wanted to share my story, because it might be a pretty rare case, which might help people, who are wondering about having venous leakage or/and pied.
My English is not the best. Still hope you can understand. Dont mind correction on my writings.
My story begins with 13. me and my best friend were watching dialing channels on televison while masturbating at it late at night in the living room. After that i stumbled over internet porn and would start to masturbate to it daily. Different than other guys here, i'll never masturbated in an abnourmous frequency, 1, maybe 2 times a day for like 10 minutes or so. But escalation started relatively quickly for me by watching very weird stuff by the age of 14 or 15. i struggled with getting a girl friend, but was allways optimistic that it would happening to me, because I was relatively popular in school, so i had friends and had also girls as buddies and best friends. My first sexual interactions with a girl started at the age of 18. by then i met a girl, which was very much into me and i also liked her, but even though we never tried to have sex, i can now tell that by then i allready wasnt able to get spontanious erections or strong sexual arousal by sexually interacting with her.
Like a lot of you guys i considered nervousness, alcohol and weed as the problem, so i was still optimistic about it.
Then by 19 i met another girl, same story. While trying to have sex, my penis didnt respond, there was nothing.
Still i was considering performance anxiety to be the problem and i liked that girl, but wasnt in love with her, so i figured maybe i have just to wait for the right girl to come.
Then by the age of 21 i came together with a girl, which i consider my first and only real girlfriend. From the start we tried to habe sex, but nothing worked. She was very patient and didnt give me any pressure, but it just didnt work. I still watched p, not in a very compulsive manner, but still escalating to weird stuff. After going to a urologist, we tried viagra, and even though it got better i couldnt penetrate, nor orgasm without porn fantasy. So then i went to another doctor which diagnosed me with venous leakage. He seemes to be an expert in that field, because he told me about other patients, which went through the surgery and would function just fine. He also actually showed me on the screen my veines and explained to me how they are far to thick and that it is without question, that ive got venous leakage. But he also told me that for some guys it might be necessary to repeat the surgery, when its very severe even like every half a year, because the veins are start to build up again.
I also asked him about porn, because i allready found the forums and ybop, but couldnt believe that porn might be able to do that and he laughed it off.
So After the diagnosis, i was very relived, but between diagnosis and surgery there were still 3 months. So i tried out the test to wipe out any other possibilty.
I couldnt get a boner in both occassions and because i coulndt believe i have severe pied, i thought that venous leakage had to be the issue. But i allready noticed at that time that i couldnt orgasm, only with porn or porn fantasy.
After the surgery it still didnt work. After that i considered that the forums were right and porn might have been the problem, or that it is a weird combination of pied and venous leakage.
I started rebooting without pmo.I handnt very strong withdrawals, no other then beeing very horny all the time. I couldnt watch woman without fanatsinzing abou them being naked. No flatline. I relapsed a couple of times with binging, but then stayed strong for like 6 months. I also told my gf and she was still able to stay with me.
But then after the 6 months my gf left me and due to the grieving i relapsed like every couple days for like 3 months. I was destroyed and still am. I think about suicide for like 5 months now. I've got heavy depressions, but managed now to stay off porn for nearly 2 months. Every time i see her i wanna kill myself. Im about to see the urologist again to check if he finds something. But after loosing her, everything became so hopeless. Im pretty sure that i will never watch porn again but im not sure if i will live until i recover, because i might have a severe case and so i dont know, if i can manage the depressions that long, because my work and social life are now completely destroyed. Im still studying but might drop off because of difficulties to motivate myself. And i still meet friends, but cant really enjoy anything.
Im now trying to find a therapists who actually knows about porn addiction and can help me with my depressions. But after loosing this girl, which was able to stay at my side for 3 and a half years and hurting her that much, most of the times it feels like i will never be able to not be depressed again.
Hey, man, I have peyronies to not from p though. A girl back in my earlier twenties basically injured my dick. Though it seems to recovered fine from it but I still have indent and my dick is no longer straight from it. I hope yours isn’t that bad either. And you have developed a lot of strong discipline you will make it throughI am such a fucking idiot, relapsed on some shit on youtube. So fucking stupid...
What can i say, after two years of no P, i think i dont really believe anymore, that i can heal...
I will continue of course, what other choice do i have? This fucking wet dream must have triggered me. But i dont really see myself heal anymore from ED, whatever cause it has.
By the way 0% erection, just nothing... Even less than the little shit erections i get at night or in the morning.
I am commited to give it a last big try with hard mode, while taking cialis now and then, so blood supply can help with peyronies disease, but i am fairly certain, i am just fucked.
What fucking bullshit all this is. I just hope, i did not loose all my "improvements" whatever they might be. There were certainly not visible.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
I hope you all, who still can get erections to P, know, hoe lucky you are. At least you know, that P is the cause of your problems.
Ah, that sucks. Fortunately, I don’t have much problems other than what I stated. As far as I know peyronies usually happens from an injury. Mine the girl almost snapped mine in half. And as far as the relapse goes. You’re a strong guy. You’ve got this.Thanks k-fff,
i also have an indent from peyronies, but fortunately its not too bad in that regard. What just really sucks is, that its causing urinations problems for me.
I also dont know, if it stems from my past porn use, but its a suspicion i have.
Last days were not too enjoyable. I spilled tea over my laptop and i have gotta hope, that it did not cause any bad damage. I am advised to not turn it on for 3 days, so it can properly dry, so i gotta be patient about it, which is not easy. Also it slows me down with the stuff i have got to do.
Also urination problem got a little worse the last day, although its already better again.
One other thing is, that i might have developed more hair loss than usual. My parting in the hair seems a little more bare, but maybe its my imagination playing tricks on me.
Overall i feel not too confortable in my own skin righr now. Feel kind of weak.
No chase effect so far on the second day after relapse.
I feel you, man. I am not good at handling the chaser effect. I usually end up binging, That's why I don't want to relapse anymore, it saves me from having to reach the chaser effect. It's an extra effort but worth it if it makes me avoid binges because binges are terrible. They drain you completely. It takes me many days to recover from that and the number of days is getting bigger nowadays. In my 20's I recovered better, I don't know, it's starting to get to me or something.holy shit, the chaser is so bad, i feel so tempted by nearly anything
Yeah, chaser effect can be so bad. Basically didnt have a big one in forever because i had such a good streak going.feel you, man. I am not good at handling the chaser effect. I usually end up binging, That's why I don't want to relapse anymore, it saves me from having to reach the chaser effect. It's an extra effort but worth it if it makes me avoid binges because binges are terrible. They drain you completely. It takes me many days to recover from that and the number of days is getting bigger nowadays. In my 20's I recovered better, I don't know, it's starting to get to me or something.
Great, man! I don't usually survive the chaser effect but I've done it a few times. It's difficult but possible no doubt.Yeah, chaser effect can be so bad. Basically didnt have a big one in forever because i had such a good streak going.
Good thing is, i made ot through yesterday. Ir feels a little easier now, but i gotta stay careful. Never fully realized how close content on YT gets to P. Now i do. Yesterday was brutal.
Had a bit stroger erection at night than usual. Just an observation. I am tired of thinking about what this all could mean.
I will try to meet my deadline and i will keep my guard up.