Very likely to have a weird combination of venous leakage with pied. (25)

Jeks

Well-Known Member
yeah shit, relapse... i am officially back in the cycle. Unbelieveable... Dont know what to say anymore. I am out of words. I hope, i can stop it from now on and hope, that i dont kill my progess too badly. Otherwise i can forget my goal on starting to rewire in half a year. Maybe i am already at that point.
This one video hunted me down so badly and from there it got to the next and next. I mean, i dont even have to tell you all. You all know how this goes.
I am so unbelieveably disappointed at myself. Its so fucking unfair man.
Well, all i can do is to go to the doctors now and continue to reassure myself, that i am physically okay. And then i have to stop. Somehow. I know, i can do it. I did it before. But needless to say, i am totally down.
I hope, i willl still get morning wood in the next days. That would be a good sign for me, that i did not kill my progress completely or rather it would give me a better feeling.

Edit: my brain screams for more, its horrible...

Fuck you brain! It is my only chance to get happy one day.

Later: dont wanna really talk about it anymore. I did relapse two more times. It has got to stop now. I am very afraid, that i have to wait again for one year or more, before rewiring even makes sense. I hate myself for this. All i can do now is stop, because with every time i relapse again, the worse it will become and the longer it will take to have a chance of successfully rewiring....

I am shaking...

The urges and fantasies are decreased for now. I think my body cant tske anymore for now.
I gotta prpeare for the following hours and days. The urges will get bloody bad. Thats for sure. I did a lot of harm tge last couple of days, but i can minimize the damage, but therefore i have to stop now!
 
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k-fff

Active Member
yeah shit, relapse... i am officially back in the cycle. Unbelieveable... Dont know what to say anymore. I am out of words. I hope, i can stop it from now on and hope, that i dont kill my progess too badly. Otherwise i can forget my goal on starting to rewire in half a year. Maybe i am already at that point.
This one video hunted me down so badly and from there it got to the next and next. I mean, i dont even have to tell you all. You all know how this goes.
I am so unbelieveably disappointed at myself. Its so fucking unfair man.
Well, all i can do is to go to the doctors now and continue to reassure myself, that i am physically okay. And then i have to stop. Somehow. I know, i can do it. I did it before. But needless to say, i am totally down.
I hope, i willl still get morning wood in the next days. That would be a good sign for me, that i did not kill my progress completely or rather it would give me a better feeling.

Edit: my brain screams for more, its horrible...

Fuck you brain! It is my only chance to get happy one day.

Later: dont wanna really talk about it anymore. I did relapse two more times. It has got to stop now. I am very afraid, that i have to wait again for one year or more, before rewiring even makes sense. I hate myself for this. All i can do now is stop, because with every time i relapse again, the worse it will become and the longer it will take to have a chance of successfully rewiring....

I am shaking...

The urges and fantasies are decreased for now. I think my body cant tske anymore for now.
I gotta prpeare for the following hours and days. The urges will get bloody bad. Thats for sure. I did a lot of harm tge last couple of days, but i can minimize the damage, but therefore i have to stop now!
Why are you putting off rewiring so much? At least for me, I only worry about that aspect because of the chaser. Is there something worse about rewiring during a normal reboot?

Also, I am sorry about the relapse and subsequent binge. I know what that's like. Know I am really rooting for you.
 

Jeks

Well-Known Member
Why are you putting off rewiring so much? At least for me, I only worry about that aspect because of the chaser. Is there something worse about rewiring during a normal reboot?
Well, the biggest reason for me is, that i maybe had just one or two really good erections in the last 8 years or so. So i am just afraid, that i could get with a girl i like and just could not perform. Before my ex left me, i was i think 6 months without P and it did not help.
Also normally you hear from guys getting signs, that they might have got better, like morning erection or just some sort of feeling, even without rewiring and just staying away from P at first. I have just always waited and hoped for signs like this, but i dont think i will get any of them without rewiring.
The other reason is, that i might make things more difficult for me by starting too early, for example by causing a chaser effect or getting me into a flatline.
But the first one is for sure the major reason.
And then of course i just had the urination problem caused by Peyronies Disease. This whole Peyronies Disease stuff also started again this whole coversation about having maybe Venous Leak or arterial circulatory disorder, which is still not completely off the table, but the urinatioon problems clearly was the worst. With that going on the last year there was no chnace on thinking about rewiring.. I just felt too miserable in general. Tried dating once and it was just awful. I couldt enjoy life, let alone dating.
That luckily mostly dissolved now, which is good, but it also makes the relapses now more painful.
So when i am saying, i am not sure, when i can successfully rewire, i mostly mean, that i am scared that i could start too early and it would just become the same bad situation as it did with my ex.


Also, I am sorry about the relapse and subsequent binge. I know what that's like. Know I am really rooting for you.

Thanks man.
 
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k-fff

Active Member
Well, the biggest reason for me is, that i maybe had just one or two really good erections in the last 8 years or so. So i am just afraid, that i could get with a girl i like and just could not perform. Before my ex left me, i was i think 6 months without P and it did not help.
Also normally you hear from guys getting signs, that they might have got better, like morning erection or just some sort of feeling, even without rewiring and just staying away from P at first. I have just always waited and hoped for signs like this, but i dont think i will get any of them without rewiring.
The other reason is, that i might make things more difficult for me by starting too early, for example by causing a chaser effect or getting me into a flatline.
But the first one is for sure the major reason.
And then of course i just had the urination problem caused by Peyronies Disease. With that going on the last year there was no chnace on thinking about rewiring. I just felt too miserable in general. Tried dating once and it was just awful. I couldt enjoy life, let alone dating.
That luckily mostly dissolved now, which is good, but it also makes the relapses now more painful.
So when i am saying, i am not sure, when i can successfully rewire, i mostly mean, that i am scared that i could start too early and it would just become the same bad situation as it did with my ex.




Thanks man.
Ah, I see. I never developed PIED so I am not sure what it is like. I would hope that you just don't put pressure on yourself to recover. I have sex quite consistently and the chaser has definitely caused relapses. I know your case was really severe, but anxiety issues can really screw with erections. My first time having sex I could not maintain one without drinking first and this was before any p. What I am trying to get at is, that even if you fail to perform initially it's okay. It happens. Women can be incredibly cruel, but honestly speaking, no one should take what women say and do that seriously. They are mindlessly cruel at times and don't have empathy for men like at all. I am probably gonna get flak for saying that, but you can't let a girl's possible response to performance failure dictate whether you move forward or not. If the worse case, you can't perform and the relationship falls through. You just start again until your brain gets back to normal. The best case scenario is you meet someone who makes you very comfortable so there is no anxiety about the rewiring process. I hope you get past all of this. I really do. I can't imagine how much despair you feel when you don't feel like you have improved, but you definitely have. Think of it like an RPG you may have not gotten the +10s that you hoped for but you're getting those +1s and +2s to your attributes that will help you succeed.
 

Jeks

Well-Known Member
Thanks man, yeah i know, that i developed anxitey around this whole topic. Especially because physiological reasons are not quite off the table yet. But i am even mostly passed that. I think i am quite ready for trying to rewire, at least i was before the relapses. I just want to give it a little time after the relapse, cant tell if three months, six months or what else will be appropriate. I think, i should focus for now on stopping the cycle. When i managed that, i can get to this topic again. One thing is for sure and i think, thats also what you are getting at: just staying away from P and some hardmode streaks wont cut it and i totally agree, especially after trying around two years this way.

Thanks for writing. It helps to talk to someone. Did not relapse again so far. Body and brain are quite calm right now. I think night and next morning will be critical.
 

k-fff

Active Member
Thanks man, yeah i know, that i developed anxitey around this whole topic. Especially because physiological reasons are not quite off the table yet. But i am even mostly passed that. I think i am quite ready for trying to rewire, at least i was before the relapses. I just want to give it a little time after the relapse, cant tell if three months, six months or what else will be appropriate. I think, i should focus for now on stopping the cycle. When i managed that, i can get to this topic again. One thing is for sure and i think, thats also what you are getting at: just staying away from P and some hardmode streaks wont cut it and i totally agree, especially after trying around two years this way.

Thanks for writing. It helps to talk to someone. Did not relapse again so far. Body and brain are quite calm right now. I think night and next morning will be critical.
Yea, stop the cycle first and deal with things as they come along. You’ve got this; p doesn’t have control over you.

and yep that’s exactly what I am getting at.
 

Jeks

Well-Known Member
No relapse so far, but its not because of willpower. There are just no fantasies and urges so far. It feels like yesterday was just overkill for my body, brain, emotions and penis. Everything feels numbed down and desensitized. Man... Not only did i O 3 times in around 5 hours, i also came back to all the old fetishes i have had in the past.
Well, cant change what has happened, but it sucks... I wait for the cravings to come. I have got some important tasks to do today. Hopefully i can manage to do them.

Holy shit, its awful, i feel absolutely nothing. Total apathy. Its my birthday today.
 
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Jeks

Well-Known Member
No cravings so far, i dont really understand... I think, it was just total overkill yesterday
 

Jeks

Well-Known Member
likely the flatline still need to be on your guard when it lets up.
I think you are right. Today i do have extreme depression-like symptoms, which i did not have that severely in a long time. Also i have to finish a paper today and there is complete emptiness inside my head. I dont know, if thats brainfog, but i just can not concentrate.

Man this emotional numbness is so bad. The only emotion i feel is anger. I was angry the whole day with everything and everyone.
 
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k-fff

Active Member
I think you are right. Today i do have extreme depression-like symptoms, which i did not have that severely in a long time. Also i have to finish a paper today and there is complete emptiness inside my head. I dont know, if thats brainfog, but i just can not concentrate.

Man this emotional numbness is so bad. The only emotion i feel is anger. I was angry the whole day with everything and everyone.
Feeling anger is better than being completely numb. One thing that needs to be re-emphasized to people that use p to numb emotions is that anger is okay, hate is okay, sadness is okay. In western society, we are basically taught that your negative emotions are some great evil, but they are there for a reason. Anger and sadness are in response to something being wrong in your environment. Depression even has a biological purpose --likely telling your body to save energy until you have an opportunity to fix the environmental problem that is causing you distress. This pathologizing of negative emotions and emphasis on being nice is definitely part of the reason so many men numb themselves with p. Keep going, Jeks. You've got this.
 

Jeks

Well-Known Member
Thats true, feeling anger is better than feeling totally numb, but its still exhausting.
Had some sex dreams that night again and i think my bodies interest in sex rises again, but i still dont have cravings though. I am quite surprised by that, but i am still on guard. I think the big relapse will produce cravibgs eventually.
 

Jeks

Well-Known Member
Still no cravings and little to no fantasies. I dont really understand. I expected it to get a lot worse. But we will see, what will happen..

There are slowly some flashbacks.
 
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Jeks

Well-Known Member
Flashbacks start to get more.

Yeah, urges are definitely on the rise, i feel temptations coming up.

It will get difficult. It already started getting defficult.
 
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Jeks

Well-Known Member
Relapse. Dont know what to say. I will try again. I know i can do it, because i did it before. Its my only chance...

Only good thing i will take from the relapse is, that i had a slightly better erection than usual, maybe like 70 % at some point. its not good, but its more than i usually have. So i should try to take it as another encouragement, that PIED might be main problem or at least involved in all of this.

In contrast to two years ago with my last relapses Youtube was involved every time. Thats one big takeaway from all of this. So if i feel urges and flashbacks rising either i have to be very careful with YT, just watching a chess video or something and not doing anything else, or i have to not allow myself to watch YT on my smart phone, because thats where it started the last times or i have to stop watching YT alltogether.
If there is hope, that i can get back erections one day its this way, without any question.
 
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Jeks

Well-Known Member
I still can not really grasp what has happened. I have been in this relapse cylye for about a month now and probably squandered away a big part of the progress i possibly had made in the last two years. I have to get my shit together, but i feel so broken and defeated. The worst about all if this is, that i still not know, whether PIED is the real cause. After two years with basically no porn it is hard to believe for me, that PIED is the main reason considering i cant even get an erection to P after such a long time and also my history of diagnosis, surgery and therapy.
In the end all of that doesnt matter. I will continue going forward until i can not take it anymore. Only bright spot i see right now is, that the symptoms of Peyronies Disease are manageable. If i still had bad urination problems, it would be really bad right now, but fortunately i dont.
The next steps i have to take now: stop using P again, continue going to the doctors to find out if there is a physiological cause, finish my degree. Thats what i have to focus on right now. There is still a lot more to do, but those are the basics. Without that i wont make progress.
 
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Jeks

Well-Known Member
Reasons, why me having PIED seems likely or unlikely.

Likely
1) Before i started rebooting i always wanted or needed to fantasize about P in any sexual situation
2) After around six months of rebooting for a few days in the morning i had the best erections, i probably ever had (probably 100 %)
3) I get better erections in the morning than in any other sexual interaction, since i have started rebooting.
3.a) When it would only be something physiological, i would at least get the same quality of erections during sexual situatons as i get with my morning erections, but often there is even like no reaction at all.
4) the doctors seem to not be really able to explain the severity of my ED even though they made the diagnosis of Venous Leakage and later Peyronies Disease.
5) i had surgery against VL, which did not help in the slightest
6) I did not really try to rewire throughout my rebooting
7) i did not have a lot of long streaks of hardmode (one, maybe two streaks of three months), even though i did not MO a lot
8) i clearly have difficulties staying away from P. There are a few signs i am addicted, but one big sign is, that i seem not horny for real. When i crave P and i offer myself to just MO instead, my body and mind is just not interested.
9) nocturnal emissions are pretty much exclusively happening with P dreams
10) Especially before my long rebooting-phase i had developed strong fetishes, some of them i already forgot i have had and there were bad
11) I got my first wet dream in my life during the reboot phase.
12) i have this problem since i am very young, at least since i am 18 or 19 or something. It is highly unlikely, that i have already had physiological problems at that time.
13) Even in the wikipedia article about "Peyronies Disease" you can see people with muchworse indents and bendings and they can still get some form of erection. my bendings are not as severe, but i get close to zero erection. That doesnt really add up.
14) when i relapse to P the quality of erection changes. Sometimes its 0%, sometimes even 80% for a minute or so. I find ot odd and odd speaks more for PIED i feel like
15) i had therapy against peyronies disease, which did help against the urination problem but not against my ED. I still have to see a doctor to get more certanity, but it seems, that peyronies disease has improved, but i still have ED



Unlikely
1) i was diagnosed with Venous Leakage and Peyronies Disease.
2) 2 years of rebooting with some longer periods of hardmode didnt help a lot, in terms of erections and also needing P fantasy.
3) Very good erections started to vanish after seven months of the rebooting process. At month 9 the symptoms of Peyronies Disease started (urination problems)
4) I also get better erections in the morning since i started relapsing, which seems a little strange to me, but its not a strong argument for either side.
5) Even after teo years of basically no P i cant get erections to P. But thats also not a strong argument to either side. I read success stories, in which that was the case
6) Did never consciously developed a flatline. But this is also a phenomenon, which is talked about on ybop.com

This is supposed to be a long term thing now, where i just try to keep protocoll about the process.
So far it seems to me, that PIED is involved. Especially the argument, that i get my best erections in the morning and at night sound very much like PIED. Although they are not strong erections the difference is definitely weird.
What also strikes me as noteworthy is the fact, that shortly after i started getting better erections (and i for the first time noticed the indent and bending in my penis), they vanished again and never came back. Instead i started developing the urination symptom, which about one year later came out to be caused by Peyronies Disease. One possible explanation could be, that after starting to get better erections with the help of rebooting Peyronies Disease started to get worse. So the most likely explanation to me right now, is a combination of PIED with Peyronies Disease, which can cause Arterial Circularoty Disorder and also Venous Leak.
So looking at all informations rebooting (and also rewiring) seems necessary to get cured, but it will probably not be enough. Maybe i have to live with the fact, that i need pills to have sex due to Peyronies Disease.
That said, with rebooting i have to make sure, that the pills can fully work and that i get aroused by a real partner.
Also there is hope that with using pills, Peyronies Disease can further be cured.
All in all i have got to say, that this is really the nightmare scenario, i was always scared of: Having PIED combined with physiological problems. Its not set in stone, but it seems a good explanation considering all informations.
If true, that will make the rebooting process significantly more difficult, because i can not rely on classic signs like getting strong morning erections or being able to have sex without pills. The only sign i can rely on is being able to have sex with pills and also being able to have sex (or masturbate?) without porn fantasy.
To be totally honest with you, most of you are some lucky motherfuckers...

Thats the plan:

get away from P and start to date after 6 months of no P, continue to go to the doctors and try everything you can to get more clarity on this situation, continue taking taladafil for better blood circulation iof the penis to improve the situation with Peyronies Disease, get your degree and do things that improve your quality of life besides the ED situation. That will also improve your chances with dating. Keep in mind, that life can be even worse considering that you got through more than a year of really bad urination problems.

I really have to emphaize this point. With the information i have the most plausible scenario is, that i have PIED. The question is more, whether physiological problems also play a part in that, but not the other way around. I need to ensure myself of this, cuase thats an excuse my mind tries to come up with, when urges kick in at the moment. It tries to build up doubt about me having PIED to convince me to use P. But there is no other good explanation for why i have the tendency to get better erections in the morning and at night than in other situations.

Also the "one last time"- argument is right now bothering me. Problem with that is, it wont only be one last time. I told that to myself the last three relapses and relapsed again every single time after that, even though i was telling myself, it would be the last time.
 
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anonfromfinance

Active Member
Hey Jeks, sorry to hear about the relapse man. I was just on here because I relapsed and binged quite hard myself. I wish I had really profound advice to give to you but I know you’re gonna jump right out of it. Keep the good things up man, I know you can do this.
 

Jeks

Well-Known Member
Yeah it sucks, i relapsed now three days straight. But i feel a change in mind set right now. The last days my mind was toying with my thoughts and emotions and was trying to spread doubts. But after thinking a lot more about this situation i am a 100% convinced that i dont want P in my life. Even if it comes out, that its not the cause for my ED, i dont want to be addicted to this. I dont want to lie on my death bed, knowing that i am a slave to this shit. I think this realization is an important step for me, because i always get hung up on whether P is the cause for my ED. But with that realization this question about my ED becomes secondary.
 
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