bobitkitkit
Member
Hey man, congrats on 25 days! That's a big deal. Keep up the good work man, you're doing great!
Recovery is an incredible process
- Thread starter faenoe
- Start date
CallousedMind
Member
Hi Faenoe! Congratulations on your streak, you're doing great!faenoe said:
I have had the same problem a lot of times and it sucks super hard. I'm studying to and whenever I get stuck in a difficult task for more than 5 min my brain tries to get me to watch porn. When I broke my best streak to date (21 days) it was because of this. During this time I haven't figured out "the solution" for this particular problem but I usually I try to be real to myself and say things like (I hope you can get something out of it):
"yeah, this sucks but if you stop now you'll have to do it later and it will suck even more. Also, you're capable of doing things even harder than this! you have done ... (insert something difficult that you have accomplished in the past like getting a good grade in a super hard subject or completing a marathon or whatever that motivates you) so you're capable of anything!"
If you really feel like you need to clean your mind for a moment it's okey to get up and wash your face with some cold water or go to the kitchen and refill your glass of water. I even pick my guitar for 5 min sometimes so I can relax for a moment and enjoy myself.
Stay strong and keep going that great streak!
faenoe
Active Member
DAY 27
Thank you both for the encouraging words. It feels good to have the support of this wonderful community. We are all stronger together to celebrate each other's victories, hold each other up when we need help, and dust each other off when we fall. You guys are awesome!
It was a peaceful Easter day. I have stayed at my apartment for almost three weeks now and have had no symptoms of being sick so I decided I would make the journey and go visit my parents. It was great to see them for an evening. Now I stand at the beginning of another week. The focus will gradually shift from school to work as the school year comes to a close and before I begin summer classes. It is hard for me to work full-time but I did it all last summer so I know I can do it. Plus, it will be nice to have the extra money.
The urges to look at porn have gradually weakened. Even when I get spam friend requests from fake porn accounts on Facebook, I am able to delete them without a problem and keep moving. I really hate those though. It's just not something that I think I should need to battle. But that is the reality of life in today's world. Porn is a huge, addictive industry. I am going to be one of the ones who leaves it behind. Forever.
Almost and one month and I couldn't be happier with the things I am learning and the empowerment I feel from dealing with my stress in healthy ways. Don't do anything that will make your recovery more difficult than it already is.
Thank you both for the encouraging words. It feels good to have the support of this wonderful community. We are all stronger together to celebrate each other's victories, hold each other up when we need help, and dust each other off when we fall. You guys are awesome!
It was a peaceful Easter day. I have stayed at my apartment for almost three weeks now and have had no symptoms of being sick so I decided I would make the journey and go visit my parents. It was great to see them for an evening. Now I stand at the beginning of another week. The focus will gradually shift from school to work as the school year comes to a close and before I begin summer classes. It is hard for me to work full-time but I did it all last summer so I know I can do it. Plus, it will be nice to have the extra money.
The urges to look at porn have gradually weakened. Even when I get spam friend requests from fake porn accounts on Facebook, I am able to delete them without a problem and keep moving. I really hate those though. It's just not something that I think I should need to battle. But that is the reality of life in today's world. Porn is a huge, addictive industry. I am going to be one of the ones who leaves it behind. Forever.
Almost and one month and I couldn't be happier with the things I am learning and the empowerment I feel from dealing with my stress in healthy ways. Don't do anything that will make your recovery more difficult than it already is.
faenoe
Active Member
DAY 28
This new week has brought with it a completely different lifestyle. For a couple of weeks, I have respite from the daily stress of having large projects that need to be completed as I have finished everything for the semester. Now I can work. I worked for about 5 hours today and then helped my friend with his homework. Didn't think about porn once today and that feels great. Stress really is my main trigger I think. But I will remain vigilant and not let my guard down. I have relapsed too many time to the cravings that feel small an insignificant. The thing is that consuming any amount of porn lowers my self control and is extremely dangerous because it can easily spark the chaser effect leading into a full-on binge relapse. Not anything I ever want.
This new week has brought with it a completely different lifestyle. For a couple of weeks, I have respite from the daily stress of having large projects that need to be completed as I have finished everything for the semester. Now I can work. I worked for about 5 hours today and then helped my friend with his homework. Didn't think about porn once today and that feels great. Stress really is my main trigger I think. But I will remain vigilant and not let my guard down. I have relapsed too many time to the cravings that feel small an insignificant. The thing is that consuming any amount of porn lowers my self control and is extremely dangerous because it can easily spark the chaser effect leading into a full-on binge relapse. Not anything I ever want.
achilles heel
Well-Known Member
Congrats on 4 weeks and on already gaining the strength to say 'no' easier! The first month is the toughest so you did an amazing job. This weekend I will try to catch up with your whole story, but already saw you abstained 3 whole years which is a background to build upon. You've got the power to change your life!
faenoe
Active Member
DAY 29
Thanks achilles! I started this month in a weird place. I didn't even want to stop looking at porn. I didn't start this month after feeling bad after a relapse. I just wanted more. But I can still remember consciously making the decision to stop even though I wanted to look at porn.
It's very interesting that during those three years, I didn't even have the desire to look at porn. However, the thing that got me was returning to my parents house for a week. After living away from home after all that time, my brain didn't have a spot where it knew it was supposed to look at porn. When I returned home, the old habits came flooding back with the old environment. Even in just the one week I was there. Now I have been battling for two years. It just goes to show how much our environments affect our behavior. Change your environment and don't pollute it. Change your behavior and change your life.
Thanks achilles! I started this month in a weird place. I didn't even want to stop looking at porn. I didn't start this month after feeling bad after a relapse. I just wanted more. But I can still remember consciously making the decision to stop even though I wanted to look at porn.
It's very interesting that during those three years, I didn't even have the desire to look at porn. However, the thing that got me was returning to my parents house for a week. After living away from home after all that time, my brain didn't have a spot where it knew it was supposed to look at porn. When I returned home, the old habits came flooding back with the old environment. Even in just the one week I was there. Now I have been battling for two years. It just goes to show how much our environments affect our behavior. Change your environment and don't pollute it. Change your behavior and change your life.
faenoe
Active Member
DAY 31
By all standards, I have made it through my first month! Recovery is truly incredible. The initial urges that plagued me during the first weeks, that seemed so strong and powerful, never appear anymore. I wondered how I would continue to fight such strong desires but, luckily, the brain is capable of adapting. That is the one major advantage that we all posses. Keep fighting wherever you may be on the journey. If you are able to teach the brain alternative ways of relieving stress, it is amazing what it will do to adapt.
By all standards, I have made it through my first month! Recovery is truly incredible. The initial urges that plagued me during the first weeks, that seemed so strong and powerful, never appear anymore. I wondered how I would continue to fight such strong desires but, luckily, the brain is capable of adapting. That is the one major advantage that we all posses. Keep fighting wherever you may be on the journey. If you are able to teach the brain alternative ways of relieving stress, it is amazing what it will do to adapt.
BlueHeronFan
Respected Member
Congratulations on a month, man! It's awesome to see that you're making steady progress. I'm excited to get back to sharing this journey with you in the coming days.
Keep it up!
Keep it up!
faenoe
Active Member
DAY 38
Thanks Blue, your words means a lot. I relish all of the support from this fantastic community.
These past two weeks have been ROUGH. I remember last summer when I was working full time that life was just hard but I couldn't really remember why. These last two weeks have reminded me why.
I think I have a mental disorder, or maybe just habit of not being able to relax if I know there is work to be done. I finished my classes and hopped right into working full-time. I thought this switch from school to work would bring less stress but it just brings different stress. I can't work harder to get all of my hours in at work. I have to work for x amount of hours to do that.
For some reason I have a hard time falling asleep now (which I can remember from last summer), which has led to half-consciously MO'ing a couple of times. Idk what it is about work. (Luckily?) I am doing classes all summer long so I don't think I will be able to work full-time but we will see.
Porn hasn't even been on my mind over the last week. I had a personal project that I started after I finished all of my hours at work last week and it completely enveloped me all weekend. It was awesome. I felt alive again.
Life is hard mates but I've made it this far and I plan to continue.
Thanks Blue, your words means a lot. I relish all of the support from this fantastic community.
These past two weeks have been ROUGH. I remember last summer when I was working full time that life was just hard but I couldn't really remember why. These last two weeks have reminded me why.
I think I have a mental disorder, or maybe just habit of not being able to relax if I know there is work to be done. I finished my classes and hopped right into working full-time. I thought this switch from school to work would bring less stress but it just brings different stress. I can't work harder to get all of my hours in at work. I have to work for x amount of hours to do that.
For some reason I have a hard time falling asleep now (which I can remember from last summer), which has led to half-consciously MO'ing a couple of times. Idk what it is about work. (Luckily?) I am doing classes all summer long so I don't think I will be able to work full-time but we will see.
Porn hasn't even been on my mind over the last week. I had a personal project that I started after I finished all of my hours at work last week and it completely enveloped me all weekend. It was awesome. I felt alive again.
Life is hard mates but I've made it this far and I plan to continue.
BlueHeronFan
Respected Member
Just keep on keepin' on, man. It is definitely a weird time to be working on recovery, but it's also a unique opportunity.
Definitely don't be afraid to take some time to take care of yourself. Working on things is important, but not if it comes at the cost of your mood/well-being. Lately, I have started limiting work to certain hours of the day. It seems like kind of a weird idea, but it has made me more productive during the hours I'm working and has made me not have to worry/feel guilty when I'm being unproductive during my "relaxing" hours. I don't know if that would be helpful for you, but it has helped me to start to find a healthier relationship with the productivity pressure I put on myself.
Definitely don't be afraid to take some time to take care of yourself. Working on things is important, but not if it comes at the cost of your mood/well-being. Lately, I have started limiting work to certain hours of the day. It seems like kind of a weird idea, but it has made me more productive during the hours I'm working and has made me not have to worry/feel guilty when I'm being unproductive during my "relaxing" hours. I don't know if that would be helpful for you, but it has helped me to start to find a healthier relationship with the productivity pressure I put on myself.
faenoe
Active Member
DAY 40
Blue, as much as I hate admitting this, I think you're right. It doesn't matter how much I want to work and be productive if I don't take time away to do something else. Like right now: I am trying to read for one of my classes that hasn't even started yet (it starts next week), and I find myself getting hit by the inability to focus on it. As much as I'd like to be prepared when my classes start, perhaps a better time to do that would be next week. I think I am going to go to the store and pick up some ingredients to make some food and do some cooking tonight. That seems like a good way to get me off the computer and doing something better.
Edit: I decided to hop on here because I was getting hit by some urges and knew that here was the best place to go to remind myself what I am doing and what my greater goal is. Thank you all for providing your experiences because they help me every single time I read them.
Much love to all of you and may we all have a porn-free weekend.
Blue, as much as I hate admitting this, I think you're right. It doesn't matter how much I want to work and be productive if I don't take time away to do something else. Like right now: I am trying to read for one of my classes that hasn't even started yet (it starts next week), and I find myself getting hit by the inability to focus on it. As much as I'd like to be prepared when my classes start, perhaps a better time to do that would be next week. I think I am going to go to the store and pick up some ingredients to make some food and do some cooking tonight. That seems like a good way to get me off the computer and doing something better.
Edit: I decided to hop on here because I was getting hit by some urges and knew that here was the best place to go to remind myself what I am doing and what my greater goal is. Thank you all for providing your experiences because they help me every single time I read them.
Much love to all of you and may we all have a porn-free weekend.
BlueHeronFan
Respected Member
I think that's great that you decided to do some cooking instead of just trying to get ahead, and that you posted here when the urges hit. All good signs of looking for a more sustainable path through life.
It's like the say, your muscles grow when they're resting after the workout. If you never take time to rest, you'll just wear yourself down. Rest is as much a part of productivity as work. Addiction doesn't let us pace ourselves, but real life can be more sustainable when we do.
Plus, cooking is a great way to get your mind off things and to do something good for yourself. I love cooking as a way to unwind from a stressful day.
It's like the say, your muscles grow when they're resting after the workout. If you never take time to rest, you'll just wear yourself down. Rest is as much a part of productivity as work. Addiction doesn't let us pace ourselves, but real life can be more sustainable when we do.
Plus, cooking is a great way to get your mind off things and to do something good for yourself. I love cooking as a way to unwind from a stressful day.
bobitkitkit
Member
Hey man, First thing's first, congrats on 40 days! You're doing great, keep it up. If you ever feel the urges, just hop on here, read these posts, and fight the urges.
I read that you mentioned in an earlier post that you didn't actually want to stop looking at porn, you just wanted more. Totally relate to this man. I relapsed a few times after a good 30-40 days earlier this year and then I never felt like stopping either. I just knew I couldn't continue watching porn. It wasn't filling the void, it was creating it. So I'm so glad you took this step. Keep on continuing this path.
I also have a hard time falling asleep. I've been miserable because of not being able to fall asleep especially since I am a man of structure and routine. It irritates the fuck out of me. But I've just realized that it is probably withdrawal (haha thanks to Jeks) and you just gotta find ways to deal with it and not use this as an excuse to relapse. So what I do is I push myself with workouts every day so I'm really exhausted by night. I avoid naps throughout the day (haven't had much success with this myself haha) and I make sure to study as much as I can so that I'm mentally tired too. So find ways to just tire yourself out haha, that's the best you can do. Slowly, this problem will fade away.
Last, I'll leave you with this quote which has helped me these past 7-10 days. "A lot of the time you will find that motivation, energy, and focus come to you after you have begun." So if you ever find yourself procrastinating on a task, or not wanting to read for a class that hasn't begun yet, simply get yourself to sit down and do it anyway. But, most importantly, know that even if you fail after trying IT IS ALRIGHT. Addiction and withdrawal are difficult, so sometimes it is okay for you to not succeed at every task. Practice a little bit of self-compassion because just staying sober every single day is a big accomplishment itself.
I read that you mentioned in an earlier post that you didn't actually want to stop looking at porn, you just wanted more. Totally relate to this man. I relapsed a few times after a good 30-40 days earlier this year and then I never felt like stopping either. I just knew I couldn't continue watching porn. It wasn't filling the void, it was creating it. So I'm so glad you took this step. Keep on continuing this path.
I also have a hard time falling asleep. I've been miserable because of not being able to fall asleep especially since I am a man of structure and routine. It irritates the fuck out of me. But I've just realized that it is probably withdrawal (haha thanks to Jeks) and you just gotta find ways to deal with it and not use this as an excuse to relapse. So what I do is I push myself with workouts every day so I'm really exhausted by night. I avoid naps throughout the day (haven't had much success with this myself haha) and I make sure to study as much as I can so that I'm mentally tired too. So find ways to just tire yourself out haha, that's the best you can do. Slowly, this problem will fade away.
Last, I'll leave you with this quote which has helped me these past 7-10 days. "A lot of the time you will find that motivation, energy, and focus come to you after you have begun." So if you ever find yourself procrastinating on a task, or not wanting to read for a class that hasn't begun yet, simply get yourself to sit down and do it anyway. But, most importantly, know that even if you fail after trying IT IS ALRIGHT. Addiction and withdrawal are difficult, so sometimes it is okay for you to not succeed at every task. Practice a little bit of self-compassion because just staying sober every single day is a big accomplishment itself.
faenoe
Active Member
BlueHeronFan said:
Hey Blue, I have made the decision to limit myself to only working part-time this summer (even though I can work full-time). Your advice has strongly influenced me in making this decision and I thank you for it. I think it will lead to a much healthier summer.
Getting off of the computer was a good decision and I really enjoyed the cooking! I often find myself making the same things every day but I decided to make something I never had before and it was a lot of fun. It seems like a good way to explore new things and do a little self-improvement at the same time.
anonfromfinance said:
Thank you so much anon! This forum has seriously been the key to my success when urges have hit (that's why I hopped on right now, actually). It gets my brain out of the spiraling descent to relapse.
Sleep is one of the things that challenges me most when I can't get it. Like you, I try to keep a schedule and when I find myself lying in bed for hours without sleep it is really hard on me. I am hoping that with my summer classes starting soon, and my (hopeful) return back to a healthy school/work balance, I will be able to get my sleep sorted out.
I am definitely going to need that quote as I start classes again! Thank you for sharing that with me. And thanks for the reality check too about the accomplishment each sober day is.
DAY 42
Today I am making the decision to limit myself and my time at work. Even though my brain pressures me to work full-time, I am starting classes this week and I want to look out for my personal health before my perceived financial health. Working part time will provide me with enough money to make it through the summer so I don't need to kill myself earning a marginally increased amount of money working a student job (lol). It felt good to finally write that out and show myself that once I get a real job after university, I will laugh at how much I worried about getting more hours in at work. I'm gonna go read for my class tomorrow!
BlueHeronFan
Respected Member
It's awesome to hear that you're making the decision to go a little easier on yourself with work and that you're feeling good about it!
When all this quarantine stuff started, I definitely gave myself a hard time for not being super productive. But how could I be? To start off, there just isn't as much work to do. My mood has definitely improved as I've given myself permission to take it a little easier. Things will get busy again eventually. Busy doesn't mean I'm a better person, just a busier one.
I definitely like thinking about how you'll feel when you get a real job. Some of the things that feel so important right now definitely aren't in the long run.
You're doing great, keep it going!
When all this quarantine stuff started, I definitely gave myself a hard time for not being super productive. But how could I be? To start off, there just isn't as much work to do. My mood has definitely improved as I've given myself permission to take it a little easier. Things will get busy again eventually. Busy doesn't mean I'm a better person, just a busier one.
I definitely like thinking about how you'll feel when you get a real job. Some of the things that feel so important right now definitely aren't in the long run.
You're doing great, keep it going!
bobitkitkit
Member
Hey, that sounds great man.
I enjoy having a proper schedule. I can't function without one. Having some sort of structure just works for me. So I'm glad you can get back to a nice and healthy sleeping schedule soon.
And sounds like you've made a great decision about limiting yourself when it comes to working. Your personal health should be more important. Keep it up man, you're doing great.
I enjoy having a proper schedule. I can't function without one. Having some sort of structure just works for me. So I'm glad you can get back to a nice and healthy sleeping schedule soon.
And sounds like you've made a great decision about limiting yourself when it comes to working. Your personal health should be more important. Keep it up man, you're doing great.
faenoe
Active Member
Thank you blue and anon for the encouraging words. I have had a much easier time feeling happy and like myself this week since deciding to work part-time. My classes have started and so far I am staying on top of things.
DAY 47
This past week I had a couple urges but they left pretty quickly. It still bothers me that I get them because any urge poses a danger. I should have gotten on here at least one time during the week because that has historically been my safest response to urges. I think I was getting stressed out about and assignment but I just decided to hunker down and finish it.
This morning I had a list of things that I wanted to get done. Among them were fixing my bathroom fan and posting on here. I'm glad that I took some time to do home maintenance because I figured out some cool stuff. I figured out how to make a bathroom fan not work and then after some more tinkering, how to fix one that isn't working. It was a really satisfying experience.
This morning I decided to read a book instead of looking at my phone after I woke up. As I was reading I realized that in the past few years, there probably hasn't gone a day where I haven't looked at my phone. I don't feel like I have a problem using technology, it was just a realization that was kind of sobering. I am going to plan a day where I won't use my phone at all and make some plans for better things to do than randomly opiate myself with my phone.
I am going to go longboarding now because it feels like that kind of day.
Stay sober friends.
DAY 47
This past week I had a couple urges but they left pretty quickly. It still bothers me that I get them because any urge poses a danger. I should have gotten on here at least one time during the week because that has historically been my safest response to urges. I think I was getting stressed out about and assignment but I just decided to hunker down and finish it.
This morning I had a list of things that I wanted to get done. Among them were fixing my bathroom fan and posting on here. I'm glad that I took some time to do home maintenance because I figured out some cool stuff. I figured out how to make a bathroom fan not work and then after some more tinkering, how to fix one that isn't working. It was a really satisfying experience.
This morning I decided to read a book instead of looking at my phone after I woke up. As I was reading I realized that in the past few years, there probably hasn't gone a day where I haven't looked at my phone. I don't feel like I have a problem using technology, it was just a realization that was kind of sobering. I am going to plan a day where I won't use my phone at all and make some plans for better things to do than randomly opiate myself with my phone.
I am going to go longboarding now because it feels like that kind of day.
Stay sober friends.
bobitkitkit
Member
Hey man, glad to see you're doing great and fighting the few urges that you're having. Pretty good idea of not using your phone for a day even if you think it's not really a problem. Keep it up, you're doing great.
Thats all good news faenoe.
I believe urges might never stop entirely for an addict. I still get them sometimes, they are easy to ignore and to withstand, but they are still there. They got much better around the six months mark, that was also, when i recognized more benefits. I think they made it psychological much easier to fight the urges.
I made the same experiment with my youtube-use. Till this day i use it much less and can much more focus on stuff. But the first days were a little freaky, because of noticing unconsciously using the phone. But i use it still much less, because of the benefits, i have got from that. Its worth a try for sure.
Keep up the good work.
I believe urges might never stop entirely for an addict. I still get them sometimes, they are easy to ignore and to withstand, but they are still there. They got much better around the six months mark, that was also, when i recognized more benefits. I think they made it psychological much easier to fight the urges.
I made the same experiment with my youtube-use. Till this day i use it much less and can much more focus on stuff. But the first days were a little freaky, because of noticing unconsciously using the phone. But i use it still much less, because of the benefits, i have got from that. Its worth a try for sure.
Keep up the good work.
faenoe
Active Member
Thanks for the responses, anon and Jeks. I am currently experiencing the reality you speak of, Jeks. I am once again thrown into the stress of a full schedule for the rest the summer because I have classes. I am doing well learning the material I just have questions that I will need to let rest until Monday when I can for help. It's hard for me to stop working on my project but I really have no choice at this point since I don't know what path to take. With this being the case, the urges to look at porn have become more frequent but I feel a stronger resolve to overpower them. I have been taking better care of myself when it comes to time management and spacing up my studies with physical exercise and other activities I find enjoyable.
That's a lot to process. I guess I'm just under a lot of pressure right now and I'm going to get off the computer for the rest of the weekend to give myself the best shot possible for next week when I can start progressing on my project again.
Day 54
Stay strong guys
That's a lot to process. I guess I'm just under a lot of pressure right now and I'm going to get off the computer for the rest of the weekend to give myself the best shot possible for next week when I can start progressing on my project again.
Day 54
Stay strong guys