Recovery is an incredible process

faenoe

Active Member
Day 59

Recovery is an incredible process. It's incredibly difficult, rewarding, and, it seems, most of all, incredibly unpredictable. There is no knowing just how your recovery is going to go.

I heard this quote today while watching a youtube video: "There are parts of life that aren't pleasurable, but rewarding."

Today I am battling like never before to control my behavior. My cortisol levels are raging and telling my brain to do something to relieve the stress. I hopped on for the support and encouragement I always find here. I started working out a little bit too to hopefully help with the stress levels.

Man, my brain has been seriously wired to use porn/MO as a way to deal with stress. That is not what I want. I will choose to remain in my state of sobriety because my goal is to never leave this state again.

anonfromfinance said:
just staying sober every single day is a big accomplishment itself.

anon, I can't tell you how much this idea has meant to me  over the past couple of days. Thank you for writing this. Once again, coming onto the forum has helped my brain get out of that destructive rut and remember the facade of destruction disguised as relief that porn truly is. Stay strong out there.
 

faenoe

Active Member
Day 65

With the return of a high-stress school / education environment, the urges have been plaguing me more than ever. I cannot say how difficult the past week has been. Quitting porn is a decision that has to be made every single day that goes by. There is nothing more I want than to be freed from these urges to throw away everything I have worked for up to this point. I need to stay strong through this difficult time. Now is the time I fight. Now is the time I have the chance to act. Now is the time I always wish I could go back to after a relapse. I have the chance to change my life right now. I am going to do that.
 
Hey man, it's great to see that you're highly motivated in spite of the stress that the educational environment brings. Keep it up, you've reached 65 days! That is amazing. Do not let some stress from school get to you. You know better now.

And I'm really glad something I said worked out for you and helped you in your journey. That's great man.

I'm rooting for you! :D
 

Jeks

Well-Known Member
I can very much relate to this fanoe.

Stress and frustration because of my studies were also my biggest triggers. But you have got the right mind set to get through this. Just remember: when you get through this, you will feel like a fucking super hero while studying (and in general). You will be able to work so easily on this stuff and with so much focus and concentration, because there will be nothing you are craving for in the back of your mind and thats a very freeing feeling. And i can ensure you, that the cravings will go away. For me, when cravings arise, its like a tickling for about one minute and then its just gone and i can continue with my day to day life.

Keep doing what you doing. You got this.
 

faenoe

Active Member
DAY 72

Thank you all so much for the kind and encouraging words. They really do mean a lot. The outsider looking into a situation can sometimes bring a world of clarity to the person stuck inside. I really appreciate what you said, anon. "Do not let some stress from school get to you." That's all it is really and I don't want to sacrifice all of my progress because of "some stress from school". That would just be stupid. Thank you for your perspective. Things have been pretty stressful over the past couple of days and my brain is obviously confused about how to handle it. It doesn't want anything but porn. I don't want that though, and I get to decided what I do with my life. I am not my brain. I am not my lustful desires. I am member of this community and am proud to be a recovering addict as difficult as that is some days. Thank you Jeks, zander, and anon for the encouragement and I also wish the best for each of you.

It's interesting how I'm on here exactly one week from last time I was on. Seems like the beginning of the week are the days where I struggle with cravings the most.
 

faenoe

Active Member
DAY 73

It's very hard to concentrate when the desire to look at porn is so unbelievably high. That is the effect that addiction has. It takes control of your life and forces all other aspects worth pursuing out--or at least, cheapens all other experiences.

This is what I signed up for when I decided to quit: the seemingly unquenchable thirst that I will not allow myself to satisfy. That is the only way. Looking at porn only provides temporary relief and everlasting regret. Worse, it makes the thirst deeper and even more unquenchable. Let no one deceive you, recovery is hard. There is no doubt that I am in the fight for my better life this very moment.

This is my message from myself to my brain, in hopes that I can convince it to let these urges go.
 

Jeks

Well-Known Member
When you feel overwhelmed, try grabbing and hugging a pillow, so you have got something to do with your hands. Really, it helps. Was a huge help in my recovery. You got this.
 

faenoe

Active Member
Today I relapsed. I am sad about losing my streak but I am happy that I made it 73 days this time. Feels bad to disappoint you guys but I will start again.
 
Hey faenoe. Man, I am so sorry to hear that. I hope you recover from this. You've been doing absolutely great so far. Just get back on the horse. I know this can make you feel like a real piece of shit. I speak from first-hand experience. But what matters most now is that you move on from this. Don't let the chaser effect get to you and know that all is not lost. You went 73 days without any porn. This has made a huge difference in your brain. Keep that in mind and continue fighting this battle. I have faith in you man. I know you can do this!
 

Sanders

Active Member
Hey Faenoe, just read through your journal and it's a pretty good journey you've made! Sorry to hear you relapsed but you made it 73 days and it's great you acknowledge that. A fresh start again, hope you can prevent the same next time and go porn-free for the rest of your life :) 73 days must have done a lot of good for your brains, hopefully it will be easier from now on. Best of luck!
 

faenoe

Active Member
Lost to the chaser effect tonight. It is incredible how much self-control is eroded after a relapse. I will not be starting my counter until I consciously have and urge and decide to part ways with it.
 

faenoe

Active Member
Hello everyone. I apologize for my absence.

I have not given up on this fight and I will keep fighting it. This community is incredible and I have had friends from here reach out personally during my absence. Thank you all so much. Stay strong.
 

faenoe

Active Member
Hello everyone. I have been going dealing with some major addictive issues over the past week. I am ready to start this journey again. My goal is to make it one week without PMO.
 

faenoe

Active Member
Well I made it one week. Then I relapsed.

I have noticed some of the consequences of this behavior are: not being able to focus, less satisfaction in myself, and less belief in myself to accomplish the things I want to do. Well, that really sucks. Porn is not worth it. It steals my time, it steals my opportunity to become who I want to be. It's time to stop this.

I remember during my last long streak that the urges would come and go away. I haven't had that experience this time around. Perhaps I just haven't made it far enough out yet during this round to gain that benefit of sobriety. In any case, I want to end this destructive behavior. But it is very difficult. Despite this fact, it is a fight worth fighting and a fight worth winning.
 

faenoe

Active Member
Good evening all.

I'm going through a challenging time in my life right now. I've recently moved to a new area and my family and friends are now far away.

I'm officially an "adult" in my head now that I have a real job and I'm done with school. I want this to be the best time of my life and I want to build a good foundation. Over the past few weeks I have felt my relationship and belief with God all but evaporate. This is pretty weird and uncomfortable for me since I have believed in God for my entire life and I have always enjoyed that aspect of my life. I want to be better and I want to rebuild that belief and that relationship.

I'm beginning to settle into my new place as I have been here for over a month now, but I'm still getting used to this new phase. Tonight, I PMO'd and I remembered the most progress I have made in my fight with addiction has been when I have made an active effort to think through my feelings and share them on here. I have always appreciated the support I have gotten from this community. I truly believe that this addiction's influence can be tremendously diminished and I can regain control of it. I'm back in the game.
 
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