The Long Way Home

[Wolfman]

Been fighting bouts of depression every day of this week.

On Tuesday there was a sexual encounter, which was actually good even though it was likely the shortest I've had in my life, but I discovered that pleasure for pleasure's sake, even with a real person, is a kind of banality. Caressing someone lovingly who you do not love, really manifested itself like this irresistable force at the bottom that I couldn't push away, no matter how pleasant pleasure was. It was strange; never had this experience before. Like our movements pretended something was the case; as if we really liked each other. It really gave me the notion of how senseless these ventures are and what matters is a real connection; we actually spent most of our time just talking, which I found more invigorating and interesting than the action.

The day after I just lost track of myself. I thought maybe this was because of the intensity the day prior, but I've been having huge downs on each day after. Today I woke up in dismal despair about the future--I don't know where all this is coming from, I thought I had more courage in me. I don't know if I have the strength to pursue an academic career--I feel I've had enough as it is. At the same time, I cannot help thinking I'm giving something precious and important up. That if I leave this path, it will be locked to me.

I had a moment of restoration today when I listened to music, particularly some old favorites, it really brought enthusiasm back to me for a brief time. Then I went for a walk and then the store, and now I'm back, feeling as wretched and as worried as before.

 

[Wolfman]

Crashed and burned. Two PMOs, one shortly after the other. I held out 3 months again, but not because I was strong but because I was preoccupied. Work mostly takes over life but I have little to no life besides work. I feel so much is one-sided and I'm thinking this is not simply an issue with my situation but a character flaw; I get myself stuck into stasis.

Even though I've kept up a good exercise routine, eating moderately healthy, and reading lots, there's still something deeply missing in life. I feel so desperately alone and my sudden pangs of desire appear as light and adventourous (and certainly I want some of that), but they mask a deeper need. I don't want adventure as much as I want love and comfort; to feel a deep sense of safety.

I know I shouldn't dwell on this. Dwelling on the loneliness only makes it worse. I think I've mostly been doing the right thing by focusing on exercise, work and a few social events.

I feel like shit now though. I've been here thousands of times before. It angers me that I'm still unable to learn, still unable to get past this. I heard today in a talk that we are prone to deception precisely because our minds are so supremely adaptive. The deceiver must therefore be ourselves. If we were dull as stones, nothing would be able to trick us, so perhaps a strategy is to dull one's life. But that does not seem attractive. Who wants to become less? Who wants to reduce their freedom?

I don't think I've ever known a life without this pestilence. But are we unique in grappling with temptation and desire? The long history of religion, literature, poetry, philosophy says otherwise. At its root, this seems like an ancient problem human beings are ill equipped to deal with. But we here today deal with a manifestation perhaps much more lethal in its subletly and availability.

Hell is empty and all the demons are here.

 

[Wolfman]

There was a period that started two weeks ago that lasted for a week where I got really obsessed with desire again. I was contemplating seeking someone out for something quick, but just when I actually I had to make decision, I couldn't push myself to do it. Instead, I MO'd, and while that wouldn't have been as satisfying as the real thing (or so I keep imagining), I felt like it was a small victory for the side of the angel. On the days after the desire returned and hammered me again, like a beast not happy with the lack of outcome. It didn't reach the same levels of obsession, and suddenly, I got preoccupied with something else, something that came with supercharged meaning and I found myself not caring anything about my previous desires. The antidote to this addiction is real, sustained meaning.

A week has gone by since then and desire is not on my mind. Instead, I am immersed in some side-gigs and reading some new books. I don't know if this empowered meaning will last. I suspect it won't by itself--but if I can turn it into something practical, something that gives some social benefit, I think I will be in a much better position.

I have also thought about my activity on this forum and my lack of engagement. I've found that I have begun to dread coming to this journal because it's come to represent so much pain, suffering, failure and misery; why would I want to revisit this journal if what I meet is mainly my worst self? But, also, it doesn't need to continue to be that way. This journal can remain a legacy of pain, or it can become a crucible for change. I think I want to try the latter, and in that respect I think I want to state every time I am making a post here three things of which I'm grateful for. Good begets good, so let's go.

I'm grateful for my health. My body is in the best shape it's ever been and I go to the gym three times a week now. I hardly break a sweat anymore (maybe I need to push myself harder?). I feel physically really great, and I want to keep improving, keep caring for my body.
I'm grateful for the people around me and some new contacts I've made. Sometimes it's easy to forget how cool and awesome one's own projects can be if you don't tell them to someone new and see their eyes light up, and you realize, "hey, this is actually something pretty cool - I should keep at it. Don't give up. Look at how positively other's respond."
I'm grateful I live in a place of peace and security. I watched some footage recently from the war in Ukraine and that shit really destroys souls, if their bodies aren't destroyed first.

I learned from a guy who teaches philosophy and cognitive psychology that being in tension with oneself leaves one exposed to deception, and not only that, but it makes one more selffish. It is interesting how internal struggle, deception and selffishness all hang together, and that resolving inner tension makes one more mentally resilient and more outwards directed, to other people and real concerns. I certainly have had periods in my journey (since I started this journal) where I have experienced that to be true.

Perseverance is art. Thank you for reading.

NO PMO: 2 weeks, 6 days.

 

[Phineas 808]

I learned from a guy who teaches philosophy and cognitive psychology that being in tension with oneself leaves one exposed to deception, and not only that, but it makes one more selffish. It is interesting how internal struggle, deception and selffishness all hang together, and that resolving inner tension makes one more mentally resilient and more outwards directed, to other people and real concerns. I certainly have had periods in my journey (since I started this journal) where I have experienced that to be true.

Hi, Wolfman! Thank you for your inciteful entry above.

Yes, I agree with this. I found it to be true in my early 20's (when MO was the only struggle) that this crap is so self-focused. When I'd start obsessing, if I can just focus on someone else- not just something else, but doing something for another, it breaks me out of that narcissistic gravitational pull.

Wishing you well!

 

[EarthWalker]

Hope you are doing well.