The Long Way Home

[Wolfman]

Hey Mediadude20,

Thanks a lot for your response! Reading that you find inspiration and meaning in what I write really gives a great boost to my own confidence and motivation. I know there are others out there reading as well, but seeing someone reply makes an impact.

Wow, four different dating apps. That's a lot! I think I tried at one point adding a third, but immediately I felt it was just too much to handle, and so I became inactive there right away. I'm now down to one and things have been inactive there for a week. We'll see when I delete that, but I'm already feeling a little liberated. Though, there are moments where I just seem to gnaw on the walls, so to speak, because I would have this distraction I could just turn to. More and more, as time passes, I'm confronting myself for who I am. Once I can clearly see who I am, maybe I can change it in accordance to who I want to be.

The volunteering has been something of the most significant thing that's happened lately. Besides offering my time for others, I've come to meet so many other people, especially young women, who are interesting and intelligent, and with whom I actually have meaningful exchanges (versus the dumb one-liners on dating apps that almost never get a response). Not that one is a replacement for the other--well, actually, yes; one _is_ a replacement for the other. Spending time at places you have an investment and interest in, and where there are an influx of other people, already spells at least one common thing you and a potential significant other may have. Not just stuff put on a bio in a profile, but things you're both already performing. Just this weekend I took part in an action and it was a really interesting experience. I keep thinking, why didn't I do this so much sooner?

Things still get a bit much, mainly work-wise. The overwhelming now feels more "cognitively" rather than an overall drainage of energy. But I'm expecting things to cool down by themselves as I return home to family for the holidays. Still, I haven't felt depressed the past week, so I reckon things must be looking up.

Notwithstanding, I've been feeling pretty lonely on the days when I haven't got anything social on. The loneliness manifests itself in brief but powerful moments of longing for another body. Not sexually per se, more in the vein of the presence and physical contact. Like there's this bodily element that is missing "around me". The thought had crossed me to MO in these moments, but those thoughts just don't hold much authority. I let myself feel the longing and let my imagination conjure up pleasant scenarios of what it is my heart wants (sometimes sexual, erotic, yes, but not pornographic). But of course, I don't want just anyone, but someone with whom I'm emotionally invested... like you Mediadude20, I really just want "one nice girl". --Maybe we shouldn't be thinking too hard on that, and just focus on spending time in diverse social settings--surround yourself with friends--and then, before we realize it, we find ourselves with just such nice girl.

I have a lingering dread, though. In a few days I'll be returning home to my parent's place. For all intends and purposes, this is house in which I had spent years upon years cultivating the cancer that is PMO under the blanket of ignorance. I can recall hundreds of scenarios all across my life where I would hide myself to PMO. Every time I have returned, I would resume the habit--but with increased intensity. Home is not a pleasant place on many factors, and I think this would exasperate my PMO usage. PMO would be here like a personal retreat, something I could always count on to give me some excitement and satisfaction in a place that is largely boring and dissatisfying. I don't think I remember a time at this place where PMO wasn't part of it. However, as bad as I think about this place and what's been, I'll also be coming back as someone I've never been before. I've never been this mentally strong as I am now, this physically strong, this motivated and this courageous. If things happen to go south, then it'll be a new learning experience for me. But I'm pretty hopeful that I'll push through. I just need to understand to tackle the boredom, the frustration and the dissatisfaction in more productive and creative ways. Maybe I can put to use the new habits and knowledge I've cultivated over the past few months.

8 weeks! Kind of unbelievable! It's crazy to think about. Hope you're keeping well Mediadude20! Care for your body and mind, and others, and they will all care for you when you need it.

 

[Wolfman]

Christmas has come and passed. Coming back to my parent's place, I felt less weighted down at first. Usually, it's always been this feeling of being "back here again"--this place where nothing changes, nothing grows, there is no inspiration. This time around it bothered me much less, and I just took it more neutrally, as a temporary pit stop. I try to remind myself how much it delights my parents that I'm here, so I try to be charitable.

There's been only the faintest of urges since I've been here, which I reckon is a huge development. Actually, I had a wet dream a few days ago and I feel more from that (chaser effect I reckon) than the abstract compulsions I had for PMO. I'm a little surprised at how everything else feels the same being back here. Maybe that's what's giving me the slightly less annoyed feeling, the experience of neutrality.

I had also quit playing video games, but since there's a particular turn-based game that I tend to play with one of my siblings whenever we're both here, it seemed like a nice thing to do together. At first it felt boring for me. It was like "I can't believe I would spend so much time into this stuff". But then, after a few hours, I got more "sucked in" and I felt like wanting to collect points, grow my character, etc. Last night I played a few hours for myself, riding that dopamine train. Strange how those things creep up on you from the inside. I expect I'll be playing a little more while I'm here, but once I get back to my own place, I'll go back to zero video games policy. (The game we played is almost 15 years old! So it's not like any of the new stuff attracts me--I personally feel like the whole gaming industry has gotten dumber, repetitive and lazy.)

Anyhow. On the day before I went back to my parent's place I was at a party with the new people I've met through my voluntary engagement. It's funny how quickly one can get into a friendly social setting with people. Barely a few weeks before, I wouldn't have known any of these people, now I have a few acquaintances and I'm meeting more. It's like my life is sprouting roots. And, quite to my surprise, I found myself talking with this girl I had met from before and at some point during our conversation we locked eyes and grinned. The magic moment. Nine hours earlier I was going about my own business in my room, preparing to go to what I thought would be an otherwise mundane and ordinary event and thinking the next days would go on as the previous had. But here I sat, mesmerized, looking into the abyss of her eyes and she looked into mine. It was riveting. He hid ourselves away and kissed frantically. Returning to the party, I joined others in playing music and we all sang. Damn, it was special! As the party came to a close, me and this girl walked together until our directions had to diverge. We kissed and hugged and told each other we'd write over the holidays.

So we have had some text exchanges over the holidays, and I expect things are going to get intimate. I find myself now in the same problem I was in earlier--of having to terminate short my reboot--and my position is now the same as before: if things develop organically, if my body is one with my mind, then I'll decide on going ahead with it. Besides, by the time I return to my own place, I'll be near completion of the days I set myself.

(Side-note: the voluntary engagement has already brought me more connections and meaning than many years on dating apps have done. Meeting people in real life, spontaneously and contingently, is really so much better than flipping through tailored pictures of people according to some abstract desire. There's (ironically?) more electricity in looking into someone's eyes by accident than intently looking at a picture at one's phone.)

9 Weeks, 3 days.

 

[malando]

Hey Wolfman, that sounds pretty awesome! Congrats, hope it goes well for you.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Wolfman, quite the lengthy read, but great job so far. It's good to read the insights and progress.

Keep on going strong!!!

 

[Wolfman]

Cheers malando and ShadeTrenicin. Your kind words are like buoys on a stormy sea, guarding against dark, shattersome cliffs.

Today, on new year's eve surprisingly, marks ten weeks of staying completely PMO free. As new year's is often a time to pay tribute to the deity Janos, that is, a time for looking ahead as well as looking back, I thought I might do a more general reflection on my whole process so far and see where my imagination of the future is at.

To begin with the technicalities. I have staved off PMO completely and I haven't had sex. There have been three wet dreams and I've noticed a consistent return of morning wood. On rare occasions, I feel an erection coming on when I think about the attractive women I've actually met in recent times. There have been temptations, some which felt real and some which felt like phantoms of a dying life. The real ones have increased in intensity and the feeling of being alive--this is what actual lust feels like. It's an invitation to engage with another. To find oneself in an encounter. The unreal ones have steadily diminished, first rapidly but violently (a psychomachia - war of the psyche) and then slow and powerless, shriveling and shrinking, finally being exposed and expelled for what it is, an unwanted parasite.

Now it seems to me like I've woken up from a bad dream. I'm looking back and I see a horrific, twisted existence that sought life-support from a poison. Even as I do this, pouring scorn and hatred on this wretched malpractice, I cannot also forget that it was once, for so many occasions, a support and a comfort where none other could be found. Perhaps it was an unwillingness on my part to seek genuine support and comfort. But, be that as it may, I willingly embraced the serpent (oh irony) and found solace in the endless reflections of myself. For every video and every picture, my being was painted on it, invisibly being reflected on the screen at all times. It was only when everything went dark on the screen that the mirror became apparent, and the gaze came to see itself. We think we are unseen voyeurs, looking through an invisible crack in the wall of existence, peering in one-sidedly. Believing ourselves to be unaffected, taking pleasure for free, all the imaginings of humankind available at our very fingertips; an infinite harem in our pockets; eternal servant ready to plug us into ecstasy at the slightest whim. Well, didn't we get a rude awakening when the bill came through, depriving us of the very thing that defines us as sexual beings. Paradise had become hell.

It's funny how the old tales of the struggles of poets, saints, hermits and mystics all at once become furiously relevant. Humankind has always struggled with the darkness within it. Today is no different, essentially, only the tools have changed. This reminds me of the discussion between the priest and the environmentalist in the film First Reformed: the activist despairs at the impending doom we've indirectly put upon ourselves through wanton industrial expansion, but the priest says the there has always been and always will be a blackness that we have to grapple with, and at every turn there is also hope. The board may have changed, but the rules stay the same. This long heritage is the fight to be human, to figure out what to be human is and why there is an arc of transcendence to our every doing: why we can never quite settle with a circumstance, why our dreams lose their shine at the moment of their fulfillment; the inexhaustible need for tranquility.

Pornography seemed to satisfy this at a very deep level. It plugged itself deep into our historical animality and our metaphysical imagination. For once, it appeared that finitude had matched infinity in terms of potency and novelty. A happy, if twisted, marriage. Every desire could be met. Even desires we didn't know we had. Didn't know we could ever have. These became thematic, and fascination turned into our daily bread. But it was bread filled with corns of sand and sawdust. What we found extraordinarily imaginative and novel was in fact the most middlesome ordinary. In fact, it was an industry beset on tainting and warping the human soul, rendering it a lifeless, numb pleasure-seeking-mechanism; turning people into the very stale, comatose and creatively bankrupt entities that they themselves were so intensely watching. But we knew all this, and yet we watched on.

It was the pleasure itself that eventually failed us. We stayed faithful to it to its very end, but in that end, it finally became apparent to us that this is not the vessel for the infinite within us. This is not an adequate expression of our humanity. This is not a good representative of our most deep-seated yearning. As many candidates have come before--money, status, being the best at something, power--now this one too fails the test of divinity. But we gave it an earnest attempt, perhaps more powerfully than anything else in history, yet for all its limitless novelty, it did not live up to crazy depths of the human mind. The body, perhaps our most steadfast guide, revolted and rebelled before our conscious mind knew what was going on. The body rebelled in shock and terror, and made manifest to the conscious mind what it in fact was doing to itself, namely, rendering itself unimaginative and limp--the opposite of a fearless, adventurous entity, always thirsty for discovery. Yes, in pornography the mind had become un-mind, a deathly being not quite dead and far from alive.

But the body's jolt worked. Our conscious waking life woke up to the problem as a true threat to its existence as free. Lost in the forest, help was sent to us by preparations made by the ancients--the twin evolutions of the body and the mind. The body with its tacit speech and tactile language. The mind with its cultural heritage of men and women who grappled with the mysteries of delight and despair. We can draw on these pools of power and take the combat to its proper level, continuing the project further, the one struggle between finitude and infinity. For each of us have always both and are suspended, like a kite riding the winds, between.

This is where we are today: between. Between the darkness of our sleep in addiction and the light of recovery. Perhaps the lesson we learn as we move closer to the right path is that life is more of less in a state of in between, but that we are making our way to a richer and more fulfilling way of being in between. Perhaps, even, being truly in between: between events, people, relationships, projects, futures, decisions...

So pornography is an evil, maybe an 8th deadly sin (sin in the sense that it closes us off from the divine being, that is, our own infinity and human potential), but evil recognized as evil already points to the good, and all we have to do is to step and tread its path. This step taken, and taken many long and arduous days, we may come to a summit and look back--with radical gratitude--at the evil, since it revealed to us just what unyielding strength lay within us to be awakened. A mountain becomes a site for challenging climbing once there is a person there before it with the intention of climbing it. But this is maybe the wrong analogy, since pornography is not passive like a mountain, but actively attempts to root us in place and deprive us of freedom. Maybe an image with quicksand would be better.

This was a lot of mysticism and theology (which correlates to stuff I've been reading recently), and my writing turned from first person I to a collective We. This happened not because I think I speak on behalf of the community (I know we are different and are dealing with the issues in measures we think best for ourselves), but because I wanted to say something in the vein of an academic making a universal claim, which is, of course, an invitation to constructive criticism.

I've looked back with creative enthusiasm, but I haven't said much about looking forwards. Or, have I not? What I see looking back is what I want to see ahead, namely, to be more truly in between. I don't believe in new year resolutions, because if someone has something important to change about themselves, then that change has to be started instantly--not tomorrow, not next week, not next year--now. This is the first lesson that came to me on the first day of this reboot and the first mistake many do when they want to change something about their life (which I did repeatedly for four years). All I want is to continue the path I have begun. To keep going. Be more between. Live a more interesting life. And what is not interesting that overcomes the very negation of it?

There is still so much to do and write. But thinking about the past cultural heritage, I thought of the start of Dante's Divine Comedy, and I want to end my message with a snippet from the very beginning of that big poem.

In the middle of the journey of our life, I came to
myself in a dark wood, for the straight way was lost.
Ah, how hard a thing it is to say that wood
was, so savage and harsh and strong that the
thought of it renews my fear!
It is so bitter that death is little more so! But to
treat of the good that I found there, I will tell of
the other things I saw.
I cannot really say I entered there, so full of
sleep was I at the point when I abandoned the true
way.
But when I had reached the foot of a hill, where
the valley ended that had pierced my heart with fear,
I looked on high and saw its shoulders clothed
already with the rays of the planet [the sun] that leads us
straight on every path.

Look to the rays in darkness. Happy new year to everyone!

 

[malando]

Wow, Wolfman, i must tip my proverbial hat to you. That was an inspired piece of writing. Respect.

If that's an example of what you are capable of when you're off porn, the effort is already worth it.

 

[Wolfman]

Thank you very much malando! That's high praise and it's deeply appreciated.

I've been back now for a few days at my own place. Trying to get back to my routine. I changed up my room on the first day I got back. This took me a good part of the day. But just moving, switching surroundings, even if it is from my parent's place, just dampens my spirits for some reason.

On the phone yesterday with my old folks I got extremely bitter and annoyed. Our communication, particularly between my mother and I, has just grown so stale and limited over the years, and increasingly so for the past six-months. This isn't the place and time to discuss my issues with them, suffice to say that after the phone call yesterday my bitterness seemed to mutate into a hatred of sorts. Maybe not at them per say, but the kinds of things that represent them. I felt tired, both mentally and physically. Physically from moving furniture around and cleaning. Mentally from their nagging voices. But the hatred kept going throw me like something toxic trapped in my veins.

After showering, going for groceries, cooking myself some food, and I went to a meeting with the group I'm part of. The feeling of hatred slowly abated.  At this point I wasn't sure what was happening with that girl and this compounded with my other emotions to first, overwhelm me, then flush themselves out completely, leaving me empty. Hatred had passed, but in its stead was nothing.

I resolved to get on the coach and read a little. Thinking to myself: "What would I have otherwise done, if I wasn't besieged by these turbulent emotions? How would I go about my day?" This helped a little, but soon the converse thought appeared: "What would I want if I was feeling emotionally content? I would want to feel the highs and lows of life, no?"

The night ended early, as the heavy-mindedness alone just anchored me into inaction. Surprisingly, I managed to find sleep quickly after. When I woke to this morning, I couldn't get myself out of bed. The miasma of yesterday still clung on like a bad fever. This translated into a willing unwillingness. The warmth and softness of the bed along with snoozy deliriums. I think I slept for another three hours, with intermittent wakings up and feeling the same laziness and shame. Part of my mind was waiting for that special switch that goes on to initiate movement out of bed, but I lay there only envisioning it. I tried to envision my day, but it felt uninspiring. Eventually I got up, had breakfast and tried to remember the things I would normally do.

Writing, workout, a walk outdoors in the misty town, then more writing, dinner, writing, reading and now writing (this) - the habits well-formed tethered me back to a semblance of my energetic self. The idea of porn had hit me a few times, but ended briefly, as shooting stars. No, that just isn't part of my reality anymore. But I'm also not sure if I can tell its absence given the past days. I want to feel better and stable overall, but I need to be comprehensive and think that porn may not be the source of my deepest problems (though certainly, without question, something that made them a lot worse). With porn gone, maybe I'm experiencing life with my own, porn-sober eyes. (That iconic scene when Darth Vader asks Luke to take off his mask so he can see his son with his own eyes springs to mind.)

Maybe with porn becoming less of an issue, the other things in my life come clearer into view. Family being one.

I'd like to think that life isn't about resolving problems as it is about moving continually on to more interesting problems.

78 days PMO+S free!

 

[J01]

Your prior post (12/31/19) caught my attention with the Dante quote.  I have never read the entire Inferno but have a copy arriving shortly (Stanley Lombardo translation) and am eagerly awaiting its arrival.  I will likely read Purgatorio and Paradiso as well.  You stated that your writing had switched from the first person I to the collective We.  That is reminiscent of the Dante quote you referenced, as he states it is "our" journey but then goes to a few "I" lines. 

Interestingly, I listened last week to a lecture on Dante and the lecturer said, in the midst of his talk (and not necessarily talking about Dante per se i guess) the following: there are two types of people in this world; those who view life as a bunch of problems to be solved, and those who view life as a series of mysteries to be embraced.  His quote is arguably similar (at least kinda sorta) to the very last line of your most recent post.  My conclusion: you have Dante potential !!

In general, what mysticism and theological stuff have you been reading that you found instructive, both in the sense of the business at hand (fighting porn) and for life in general?

Keep going on your streak!
 

 

[Wolfman]

Hi jixu, thanks for reading! That's interesting, I hadn't noticed that the "I" "we" switch was going on in the Dante quote as well. The relationship between those words is interesting: "I" signifying speaking on behalf of oneself, whereas "we" on behalf a more-than one collective, yet they both participate in the community of language which must always be a "we" - but when we make the step of thinking this "we" as a single group, have we not returned to the "I" again? Anyway, I digress.

I like that quote by the lecturer on Dante. Thank you for passing that on, and your all too kind words! I think we all have some kind "Dante potential" locked inside us, and porn is a wretched jailer and parasite of that potential.

A few months ago I had been reading Confessions by St. Augustine. I had read the entirety of this text 5-6 years ago, but when I reread it this time around I didn't find it as powerful (it is still powerful, and I have great respect of St. Augustine, both as an autobiographer and as a philosophical thinker)--it just didn't speak to me and the situation I was in. Over the holidays I picked up "Dynamics of Faith" by Paul Tilich and, while I had read a few chapters from that book before, it really sparked something within me reading it a second time. I read the whole thing (it's a fairly small and very accessibly written text) and found it sublime in its simplicity and powerful in its concept. Tilich sets out to "rehabilitate" the term faith (well, I wonder how many more terms today are in need of rehabilitation) by defining it, not as 'belief in something without evidence' but as 'the state of being ultimately concerned'. Really, it's such a simple idea yet striking. You can ask yourself (or your friends): what is your ultimate concern? The one concern all other so-called preliminary concerns are tied to. The one concern that motivates your daily actions or propels you towards your projects (or fails to motivate you). This, Tilich calls faith.

And you can be ultimately concerned about all sorts of things: cars, material wealth, status, getting the best sex, fighting for a cause, fighting for your nation, practicing a religion, etc. But there is always a criterion that comes with every ultimate concern, since to be ultimately concerned one is striving for exactly the ultimate. An ultimacy is involved that transcends any particular thing we might be ultimately concerned about, by the simple that that all things in the world are finite. This does not dampen being ultimately concerned, since its source is its own ultimacy, namely, its source is the infinite. So effectively any thing we could be ultimately concerned about can only ever be a symbol of the ultimate. The term symbol here is important because it signifies that the symbol participates in what it symbolizes (rather than merely pointing to it like a sign), but it does not exhaust it. And so the test within being ultimately concerned is how well that which you are ultimately concerned about is capable of symbolically reflecting the ultimate. In other words, how well can something finite participate in the infinite? So are cars (or pick any other material thing) a good ultimate concern, do cars manifest the infinite? Hardly. They're quite blatantly stuff. What about a nation? The nation is bigger than any of its single individuals, and it *seems* to transcend finitude. This is a better candidate, Tilich thinks, but it still falls prey to its own finitude by being something in the world. Worse yet, Tilich points to the atrocities that followed when a people set their nation above all else at _any cost_ (the 20th century was, sorrowfully, rife with such examples). What about religion? Better still. But then which religion, and, more importantly, why? I'll end with saying that Tilich's model of being ultimately concerned cuts across borders and can be applied to anything. In addition, Tilich claims that no human being is without an ultimate concern, and any challenge against faith, whether by history, science, politics or philosophy, cannot be a direct challenge on faith (understood as ultimate concern, NOT as "belief without evidence") -- only one faith can challenge another. So when history, art, science, politics or philosophy is being deployed against faith, there is a hidden ultimate concern in the former that is not being rendered explicit. Again, the test should always be immanent: whatever professes to challenge or negate faith--does it live up to its own criterion of ultimacy?

To just say a few more words. Tilich always writes that one does not "choose" one's ultimate concern, like the way one decides on a vacation or cereal in the grocery store, but that one finds oneself "grasped by one's ultimate concern" or "grasped by the infinite". This does not mean that freedom is out of the picture, or that it's all fate, providence, etc. Tilich wouldn't be writing a book so embedded in the existential quandary if he wasn't laying out how to discover and think one's ultimate concern and act accordingly. If whatever we are grasped by fails to live up to its criterion of ultimacy, it dawns on us that this was not the adequate "symbol" and that we must strive on to discover something that can. But this striving has no end because our inquiry has no end, and so we cannot reach a finality whereby our ultimate concern is at one with its object (mysticism is about as close as one gets, Tilich notes, but that is a transitory stage that negates the finite itself rather than bringing it higher--mystics, saints and gurus, however far and deep their minds travel must employ some language to orient themselves or to tell others about where and how they've gone), but this does not remove the constancy of being ultimately concerned. To put like Sartre: we're condemned to be free.

Okay--that was more that I initially intended, but once that ball got rolling there was no stopping it! It's a fascinating short text, and I recommend to everyone. I'm going to read more of his books. He's got another quasi-famous one titled "The Courage to be".Paul Tilich was a protestant theologian, so there is a definite bent towards religion and Christianity in his writing, but he is also critical towards the protestant history and diagnoses many issues with it. Notwithstanding, the book offers more an existential and philosophical model rather than something "religious," narrowly defined. If Tilich is right, we all have an ultimate concern, and maybe, since we're on this forum together, at some important stage quitting porn must have been the ultimate concern for us.

So yes jixu, I've found the idea of ultimate concern to be incredibly powerful in thinking about life in general and the part of porn. I think in a life that adequately reflects the ultimate concern has no, or only a very limited, space for porn (perhaps we should say that it has no space for the kind of high-speed endless novelty positively addictive porn, but then when we speak of porn, what else is there nowadays?).

Now to update the journal: the latter half of last week I regained my energy and spirits. I returned to writing and I partook in two actions with my environmental group over the weekend. Looking back at my previous post I noted that I was disparaging over the "lack of progress" and the "feeling that everything was the same" as if life was equally rubbish now as during the PMO-filled days. But then, I think this was the work of the black mood rather than any real sense, because, looking back at the journal there are tons of milestones! Life is subjectively and objectively better now than those times. For one, I'm not constantly guilt-tripping myself over using PMO when I know the damages it does--there is no PMO usage! The black moods will come and they will go. I think this time around it was readjusting to my own life again that disheveled me a bit.

So I had a wet dream this morning. Actually quite annoying. I'm meeting the girl I have texted with over the holidays tomorrow for dinner, and if the intimacy is there as it was when we last saw each other, it'll only intensify and boil over. But I'm worried that having had that wet dream it's depleted my drive or libido. I don't think it has, but the worry is still there. I want to be hungry for her, but after this morning's incident I've been feeling a radiant satisfaction, a pleasurable contentment, an "emptying fullness" so to speak. I have a small fear that I might not desire her when we meet and that things might end up not going well or it'll be awkward. I don't think so, but... Ah, we'll just see. I am looking forward to seeing her, though, in spite of it all, it'll just be a lovely time.

11 weeks, 6 days.

 

[J01]

A nice clear and concise distillation of Tillich-that was excellent.  Quite a jump from Augustine to Tillich I guess!  The concept of the ultimate concern is definitely applicable to this forum as well as any other important areas of our lives. It seems that the ultimate concern (to a Christian Theologian) would be Christ, or maybe something akin to Christ-likeness, but not sure how he sees that.  Maybe it more nearly resembles the Jungian Archetype; anyway, it isn't my field!

Best wishes as you journey on.  I think you are on to something when you were discussing meeting someone in the midst of doing hobbies, interests, or even the routine activities of daily living.  Keep going on your great quest-three months is awesome.

 

[Georgos]

Wolfman, someone once told me computers and iphones (I don't have the latter) are actually psychotropic drugs. They're kind of artificial. I can't even read a page of a book at the moment. How do you manage to read? Also what do you do when you need entertaining, do you take time off? I often expect instant replies, and get frustrated with lack of entertainment, this is true in my love life as well, sometimes I bombard people I'm jealous of with emails in the hope that they will entertain me, it really is due to lack of self-worth, books are much better, what do you suggest?

 

[Wolfman]

Wolfman, someone once told me computers and iphones (I don't have the latter) are actually psychotropic drugs. They're kind of artificial. I can't even read a page of a book at the moment. How do you manage to read? Also what do you do when you need entertaining, do you take time off? I often expect instant replies, and get frustrated with lack of entertainment, this is true in my love life as well, sometimes I bombard people I'm jealous of with emails in the hope that they will entertain me, it really is due to lack of self-worth, books are much better, what do you suggest?

Hi Georgos! Thanks for stopping by.

I personally don't think that computers or iphones/cellphones are in themselves drugs. They're tools. They can be incredibly useful or very harmful. All our tools are artificial, the glasses I have on my nose are artificial too, but is there an inherent problem with artificiality itself? However, some apps are actually maliciously designed, so as to capture our attention by any means possible (I watched this interview a month or so ago and found it very interesting: https://youtu.be/kc_Jq42Og7Q ). Youtube and social media in particular (and you can probably throw in app games or gambling games into this bin as well). I think a good approach to this is to ask yourself whether you actually need this or that particular app--maybe make like a quick pros and cons list. Check also how much you can customize your app/platform. For youtube, I tend to ignore the "home page" and just focus straight for my "subscriber" feed, where I have only channels that I like and find rewarding (mainly stuff like education-enterntainment, e.g. Kings and Generals, Extra Credits, Crash Course, Kurzgesagt, etc.). I'm increasingly disliking facebook, but so many of my friends from abroad are on it, so I'm sticking to it because I can very easily get in touch with them.

Regarding reading. So first off, I'm not so much worried about "getting reading done" as I'm interested in a particular story or a concept. The book is just the medium--though a very fine medium at that. So with that in mind, what you should be on the look out for is what kind of things grab your interest. What kind of stuff do you like? Novels, sci-fi, fantasy, pop-psychology, pop-science, graphic novels...? If you know already what you like, then you've got a base you can start from. If you don't, I recommend just going to a bookstore or library and start browsing, pretend you're on a treasure hunt. You can also maybe ask the people working there if they have suggestions. Take your time. Sit down with a book or two, read the first few pages, check how it feels. I remember when I, quite by accident, first read the first few pages of Dostoevsky's Notes from the Underground - it was electric and when I got home that day I bolted through that book. I think I was nineteen or twenty then (by the way, if you want something from Dostoevsky, I can recommend Poor Folk, which was his first novel. It's a letter-novel. Two people, man and woman, exchanging letters to each other. Alternatively, if you want something more modern, I read Chris Kraus' "I Love Dick" over the holidays (which is not at all graphic, and tells the story of the protagonist madly in love in someone else who doesn't seem to return it).

I have very little patience with books that don't almost immediately give me something--meaning or interest or some pull. There are just too many great books out there for you to waste your time with something mediocre or trite. If I have to push myself to read something, I only do that if I have it on good authority the book will pay off my time investment or I am doing it for work.

If you're struggling with concentrating on reading, even though you have found something that really interests you, then change up your environment. Go outside, go to the library, go to a cafe. Leave the phone and laptop at home. Put yourself in a situation where it's just you, the story, and the book.

Regarding entertainment. So I think we all need some serious time-off, even though I think that this can be easily overrated. Personally, I'd like to keep such time-off to an absolute minimum, however, I realize also the value of just letting go and doing something stupid, not so rewarding or plain goofy. The goofy aspect I think is something underrated.

So let me tell you that I grew up playing video games; I've got thousands of hours into them. I've also watched a lot of movies and series. But September 2019, following a personal cataclysmic event, I realized that life was going by me. I hit thirty last year and all my friends were getting careers or families and I was, for large part, just doing what I'd always been doing, going in loops (the worst of which was porn). I quit video games, and that was as easy as turning a switch (I did play some over the holidays with my bro and sis, and since then I may have indulged a few hours, but it's all nowhere near how things used to be like. Video games actually bore me a lot now, so I can never do more than 1 or 2 hours at a time). I've not watched any series since September (apart from when I was home with fam during holidays) and only very few select movies. Now, I do like good films and I think some can be meaningful, inspirational or just beautiful (same can be the case for video games, but to a far lesser degree), but I'm just much more interested these days on being active and developing myself rather than watching somebody else do it on a screen. 

So instead of all that time and energy spent in entertaining yourself, re-route that into a passion or several. To use a food analogy: cheap entertainment is like sweets, the rush is there quick and goes away fast, whereas if you consume dark bread with lots of seeds, it's not gonna give you those highs, but it's gonna sustain you for a long time and give you energy to do more worthwhile and challenging stuff. And if you haven't a passion, or if you feel like you got too few, go out there and try new stuff! Learn to play an instrument, go out and dance, join a trekking, climbing, bicycling or whatever club. There's really a lot of meaningful and amazing things we can do with each other and so much to explore on this wonderful planet--the phones and laptops give us the age-old illusion (of which the television was the early progenitor) that we "can get it all" by just sitting there and watching. No, we cannot!

It sounds to me like your frustration with lack of entertainment from people, and especially concerning love life and jealousy, may come from two things: 1) its an escape from the fact that you lack of meaningful activities (of which I just spoke about), and 2) its a lack of control regarding your own sexuality. I drastically stopped caring if people from the dating sites I was on would reply or not--if they're not putting time and care into it, or if they're simply not interested, then why should I? It's a stupid time sink, "gamefied" or made out to be like a video game. I actually unmatched a beautiful girl for being rude to me--the old me would never do that to a beautiful girl! But here we are, building self-respect and self-esteem. So I deleted my last dating app two weeks ago and I haven't been missing it particularly hard. Instead, I'm going back to old school, meeting people at parties or at shared activities. If there's mutual interest, then that's worth pursuing. But if there's no mutual interest, you're deceiving yourself if you can muscle yourself back into becoming an interest for them. These things are always meant to be light as a breeze and playful.

I don't think I can put it better regarding sexual self-mastery that Universal Man's youtube series on it, so I would refer you to that. If you've seen that already, then you may want to consider finding a coach (Universal Man's vanguard?) - it sounds to me it may be worth putting money into changing your habits and expectations if they're derailing you so much in life right now. But, if I don't want to do that, maybe talk to your friends or family about those particular habits.

Anyway, I'll stop now. I hope some of that was helpful! There were really many questions tangled in your post Georgos, and I've tried to go through them bit by bit.

PS: One last thing. Boredom. Let yourself be bored. If there's something you want to do, but you don't have energy or motivation to do it. Just do nothing. Sit, lay on the floor (don't look at the phone). Just let time pass. Boredom is like fertilizer for your brain. You'll notice that you start picking up on little things and find yourself having an easier time getting to task on things you previously had to fight hard just to entertain.

 

[Wolfman]

TODAY MARKS 90 DAYS SINCE I STARTED THIS JOURNAL. 90 DAYS FREE OF PMO AND SEX. MY REBOOT HARD-MODE IS HEREBY COMPLETE!

[puts on Casiopea - Asayake *Live 1985* in the background]

I want to really thank this community. I don't want to imagine how enormously difficult it must be for someone to have an addiction, a problem of this magnitude, a cancer in their very soul, and have no one else and no where else to turn to for help. For me, this appeared like Leviathan, a giant monstrous beast that simply could not be dealt with or negotiated with, whose ferocity and strength far surpassed anything human beings could muster in a million years. Well, one thing was right, there's no negotiating with this. But one thing was wrong; it can be dealt with, but only by taking it absolutely seriously. Zero tolerance. Making it this impossible thing, this crystal clear black and white opposition--relentless good and evil--was among the first steps, if not the first, that I took when I found the will to go to this place and begin this journal.

I made a personal note to myself on that day, before I opened this journal, and I'll quote:

I've always blamed porn as something that's happened to me. But today, having lapsed into the urge for the second day in a row, I've come to realize that I'm an addict. I am addicted. I am an addict.

I cannot stop it. I cannot stop it. I can't stop it. I can't.

When first using it after 4-5 days break, it feels like a comfort. But on the second time, the day after (or even on the same day), I'm left feeling hollow.

Tears flow down my eyes as I contemplate joining the rebootnation forum and posting my journal.

I don't know if I ever admitted to myself that I was an addict or if I admitted to myself that I was utterly helpless, but I remember that day right after PMO how spiritually crushing it felt and the admission to myself that I'm addicted, that I'm addict and that I can't stop, just ran through me in utter acceptance of my situation. This giving in to the helplessness, this confession to myself, was like a prayer. And it must've been heard by someone, because when I hit that rock bottom, feeling the complete and utter failure of my life, I was grasped by resolve. A resolve as unconditional and adamant as the abyss I found myself in. A resolve to once and for all get rid of this menace.

Through this journal, through this community, that resolve has only grown stronger and more adaptable. It's grown like a tree into all the areas of my life and infused my activities with willpower and action, and those activities have in turn returned with purpose and meaning, forging a reciprocal, ever expanding, ever deepening, circle. This is only going to grow, but it'll grow if I can keep nourishing it, taking care of myself and others. The practical changes I made are working: I'm eater healthier (I've cut down a lot on meat and I'm considering going full vegetarian), I exercise, I read a lot, I go for walks, my courage for doing new things has never been so high (two weekends ago I went to two actions, doing things in public I had never done before), my mind has never been so consequent and focused and the body has never felt so energetic and sensitive, in fact, mind and body have never been in a better team!

Out of all the things and changes in the past three months, I think the most powerful for me must be the volunteering and activism I've embarked upon. This has been a gateway to engage in public matters, matters concerning us all as human beings; it's been a gateway to meet lots of very interesting people; and it's just fed my thinking and my worldview to such an extent that my world itself has grown multiple new dimensions! I expect new dimensions to be opened this year and in the future!

I've taken the opportunity to read through my journal and make note of some of the things that I think are especially telling. I've noted that failures are important, and that this whole process with quitting porn will be needing failures. I recall saying that mistakes are integral to a system's self-development. This is just so true I want to devote an entire essay to it (don't worry, I won't do it now). I also want to note how my attitude towards girls has changed, I'm seeing them, instinctually, more as persons than bodies. I rarely catch myself staring at a beautiful girl (although, I admit, it still sometimes happens). And I'm noticing a growing resilience and confidence with myself. Confidence to start a conversation with a stranger, be more outgoing and calling others on bs. I'm also noticing that porn is becoming less of an issue and that I'm not reading up on the literature anymore. I still do see some videos and read some things, but now I'm gripped by other issues, where I may be contributing to a more collective problems.

But this is just a milestone. I'm not letting my guard down and I intend to keep coming back to this forum and this journal. I still don't really know if my PIED is gone, and I don't know how my emotions are going to be if I do get into a relationship. But real work has been done and it's showing. (I'm awarding myself a little treat today by having some ice-cream with bananas and a mid-strength beer). Maybe the most difficult is yet to come, but I've never been this ready for it.

So, to turn to a technical issue: my balls really hurt. They hurt for two days after I parted with that girl just before I went home for the holidays in December, so I took it as a rather strong case of blue-balls. But intermittently the pain has been coming back. Today's it's been really bad, it's like the pain travels up to lower stomach. I was lying on the couch today thinking about that girl, maybe I fantasized a little, but damn, that it should feel this bad from just thinking? I did my exercise today and when I was doing reverse fly I was nearing my usual 15 reps, but then I decided to push myself, and as I did this, the pain went away. It came back shortly after, and went away again when I pushed myself at another exercise, and came back. I haven't taken any painkillers, but maybe I should consider that.

Anyway, going forwards. Porn definitely out of the picture--never going back to that. But, interestingly, I'm thinking I might as well give up MO. One of the insane lessons I've come to learn and realize is just how little we actually "need" to orgasm or have sex. We don't need it (OK--minus maybe the pain thing above). I'm finding life quite fulfilling without MO. So I'm thinking I might as well leave it out, my routine and habits don't require it, I don't particularly want it, so I can save all that intensity for when I'm actually with a woman. Maybe it'll be better, maybe it'll be worse. We'll see.

This community and the feedback I've received have meant so much. Thanks again to those who have replied on this journal and thanks to everybody who's reading. I hope you've found it helpful.

It's been about 90 days since I last PMO'd.

 

[Georgos]

Hi Wolfman, there is a coach who messaged me on the forum, was he the one you were referring to, his name's Joseph, I couldn't work out whether he was charging money, has he contacted you as well, what do you think of him if he has? In my paranoia I thought he was a teacher of mysteries I know called Daniel Joseph, I asked him to confirm this and he never got back to me

 

[Georgos]

I guess I'm just looking for entertainment again, do I actually need a coach; work as a paranoid-schizophrenic or rather someone with infosomatosis as a condition, and it is work, a struggle to think and act right under all circumstances, is hard to come by, so I often go out seeking when I'm bored. I think you're right, I need to be more comfortable with just being, but it's difficult when I start to get involved with people of great merit, I want to contribute more. I need to learn to only give when asked, and ask before I take, or take when asked and ask before I give, whichever is in keeping with the time, I'm not sure if that is the difference between Islam and Christianity, I believe I can sit comfortably with myself doing nothing for much of the time, perhaps I'm too eager to follow advice when given

 

[Georgos]

So Wolfman, one of the games I like playing is hide and seek, I hide when I am scared I'll say the wrong thing, and seek when I want knowledge. It is not a very clever game, war is a bit like this except that it is a game of experience rather than truth. Hiding from experiences and seeking experiences is one way of communicating. Life is all about communication at the end of the day, exchange, trade, economics. Everything is information, energy filtered through perception, or at least that is one way of looking at it. I'm glad you've completed your 90 day hard-mode, I'm very proud of you. I used to the name of someone I know, two people in fact, perhaps I shouldn't as I wasn't asked, is it rude to reveal and uncover secrets; I have always been a researcher, but I like to play. I read a book which mentioned someone who learned to have sex in his dreams, his master through him out of the classroom, was it a lie; I kissed a girl in my dreams last night, she was trying to interview me in a glass lift, she wanted to coach me in interracial love, I told her that she was prejudiced and didn't know anything about it, she said I was an informant then, and we left it at that. I don't know much about "race", it is just politics, division, order, there is life everywhere. Why we attach certain significance to certain traits is beyond me, it is how we choose to master our world, everybody does it sometimes. I still don't know who I am, only that "I am", an ego and a God, a singularity surrounded by stars and dust, a source and its reflection, a time and space machine with a life of its own. I want to give when asked, but you haven't asked me for anything, I have infosomatosis, am I saying too much?

 

[J01]

Great job on your journey!  Enjoy the view:  "There we settled down to rest, facing the east, where we had begun our climb, for often it pleases us to see how far we've come."        Purg.IV.52-54.   

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hi Wolfman, just checking in to see how you are doing after your 90 day streak. How's life, how are you and how are your blue balls??? 

Let us know how it's going, we do really care about it

 

[Wolfman]

Hey Georgos, I don't think you should take up offers coming to you (they may be scammers, etc), you should be the one looking for coaches. I really am no authority on this, but I have a good feeling about Universal Man's Vanguard thing. You might want to give that a shot.

Cheers jixu! And thanks so much for that quote! I'm glad you're reading Purgatorio (I am at about canto 29 on that one currently).

And thanks ShadeTrenicin for your post and care! After some days (notably when I spent time cuddling with a girl, more of which I'll get to below, the blue pain just evaporated and I haven't had it since).

This is so far my longest interval between posts, and I'm happy (and a bit sad) to report that it's due to lots of stuff happening in my life.

So things with the girl, which I was texting with over the holidays, picked up steam. This was extremely nice and I was amazed to discover we clicked so well on so many levels. We were able to just talk with each other or share many of the same interests and concerns. But most of all we inspired each other--we wrote letters, poetry, danced, drew and painted.

But there were issues. Without going into too much detail, she bringing stuff in between us that didn't have their source between us. So basically problems from other areas of her life. So she wanted us to remain friends, but I wrote to her that I can't do that. I can't just mechanically switch of my erotic desires for her. It would be a form of deceptive living. If I can't be true to myself, I can't be true to her, and then there is nothing real to be had. I put my foot down, as they say, and said we basically have to stop seeing each other.

On the day she wrote to me that, despite everything good that's been going on between us, she wanted to just be friends, I sunk into a malaise of anger, depression, sadness and incessant analyzing over what's happened. I wrote it out on a letter, and I wrote that I feel I've been treated unfairly, and I gave her that letter two days later. I don't think I've ever so clearly set a boundary like that with a girl ever. Guess I'm finally starting to have some self-respect. (Edit: so it's important to note, I will be seeing more of this girl through events, and I think it's really important to avoid resentment, so I've been very honest with her about how I feel about things and that maybe there may be a proper friendship for us in the future, but that time is not now. But besides, after all that's happened and didn't happen, I have absolutely no regrets. Maybe, in fact, a tinge of gratitude.)

Rather quite quickly, I have picked myself up from that day of all those quaking feelings. It sucks, it's a damn shame, but I'm feeling emotionally quite okay now. I stopped and took a gander at what was all the things I used to do before her, and these things have been kept up throughout. Most importantly, I did not think once to PMO or MO throughout the whole thing. I'll take the pain, and I'll take it raw.

I think quitting PMO has given me a whole lot of control of my emotional being. As sad, angry, and depressed as I was when this thing with her was over, it was nowhere near the level of helplessness I've faced before. Now, this may just be because we didn't know each other for very long--but I really do feel like there is some qualitative change here. For one thing, we didn't have sex and now I'm not missing having sex. That whole thing doesn't factor in as much, if it factors in at all. So yeah, this darn thing with NoFap and zero PMO is actually working. As the days go by, she is less and less a concern for me, already I've turned to look at my current, near-future and far-future projects as ones without her.

This, I think, is the genuine reward of sexual-self-mastery (quitting PMO and MO): you become more in tune with yourself and your own emotions, and act and move through life as a more unified human being. All the parts of your being are now co-operating freely instead of a top-down, white-knuckling hierarchy of the ego: now the intellect listens to the heart, the body gives you energy to your projects, and deep down you know that all pain and suffering, are not obstacles to your private happiness but conditions for your own story.

After all, we're all here writing a journal.

14 Weeks, 4 days.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Well, it looks like you've gained a lot by quitting PMO. You obviously gained self control, insight and you grew on an emotional level. I think you can be really proud of yourself.

Regarding the girl. Sucks that it didn't work out, but if it's not the time it's not the time. The right one wjll come along.


You can be very proud of yourself Wolfman