Wolfman
Active Member
Hey Mediadude20,
Thanks a lot for your response! Reading that you find inspiration and meaning in what I write really gives a great boost to my own confidence and motivation. I know there are others out there reading as well, but seeing someone reply makes an impact.
Wow, four different dating apps. That's a lot! I think I tried at one point adding a third, but immediately I felt it was just too much to handle, and so I became inactive there right away. I'm now down to one and things have been inactive there for a week. We'll see when I delete that, but I'm already feeling a little liberated. Though, there are moments where I just seem to gnaw on the walls, so to speak, because I would have this distraction I could just turn to. More and more, as time passes, I'm confronting myself for who I am. Once I can clearly see who I am, maybe I can change it in accordance to who I want to be.
The volunteering has been something of the most significant thing that's happened lately. Besides offering my time for others, I've come to meet so many other people, especially young women, who are interesting and intelligent, and with whom I actually have meaningful exchanges (versus the dumb one-liners on dating apps that almost never get a response). Not that one is a replacement for the other--well, actually, yes; one _is_ a replacement for the other. Spending time at places you have an investment and interest in, and where there are an influx of other people, already spells at least one common thing you and a potential significant other may have. Not just stuff put on a bio in a profile, but things you're both already performing. Just this weekend I took part in an action and it was a really interesting experience. I keep thinking, why didn't I do this so much sooner?
Things still get a bit much, mainly work-wise. The overwhelming now feels more "cognitively" rather than an overall drainage of energy. But I'm expecting things to cool down by themselves as I return home to family for the holidays. Still, I haven't felt depressed the past week, so I reckon things must be looking up.
Notwithstanding, I've been feeling pretty lonely on the days when I haven't got anything social on. The loneliness manifests itself in brief but powerful moments of longing for another body. Not sexually per se, more in the vein of the presence and physical contact. Like there's this bodily element that is missing "around me". The thought had crossed me to MO in these moments, but those thoughts just don't hold much authority. I let myself feel the longing and let my imagination conjure up pleasant scenarios of what it is my heart wants (sometimes sexual, erotic, yes, but not pornographic). But of course, I don't want just anyone, but someone with whom I'm emotionally invested... like you Mediadude20, I really just want "one nice girl". --Maybe we shouldn't be thinking too hard on that, and just focus on spending time in diverse social settings--surround yourself with friends--and then, before we realize it, we find ourselves with just such nice girl.
I have a lingering dread, though. In a few days I'll be returning home to my parent's place. For all intends and purposes, this is house in which I had spent years upon years cultivating the cancer that is PMO under the blanket of ignorance. I can recall hundreds of scenarios all across my life where I would hide myself to PMO. Every time I have returned, I would resume the habit--but with increased intensity. Home is not a pleasant place on many factors, and I think this would exasperate my PMO usage. PMO would be here like a personal retreat, something I could always count on to give me some excitement and satisfaction in a place that is largely boring and dissatisfying. I don't think I remember a time at this place where PMO wasn't part of it. However, as bad as I think about this place and what's been, I'll also be coming back as someone I've never been before. I've never been this mentally strong as I am now, this physically strong, this motivated and this courageous. If things happen to go south, then it'll be a new learning experience for me. But I'm pretty hopeful that I'll push through. I just need to understand to tackle the boredom, the frustration and the dissatisfaction in more productive and creative ways. Maybe I can put to use the new habits and knowledge I've cultivated over the past few months.
8 weeks! Kind of unbelievable! It's crazy to think about. Hope you're keeping well Mediadude20! Care for your body and mind, and others, and they will all care for you when you need it.
Thanks a lot for your response! Reading that you find inspiration and meaning in what I write really gives a great boost to my own confidence and motivation. I know there are others out there reading as well, but seeing someone reply makes an impact.
Wow, four different dating apps. That's a lot! I think I tried at one point adding a third, but immediately I felt it was just too much to handle, and so I became inactive there right away. I'm now down to one and things have been inactive there for a week. We'll see when I delete that, but I'm already feeling a little liberated. Though, there are moments where I just seem to gnaw on the walls, so to speak, because I would have this distraction I could just turn to. More and more, as time passes, I'm confronting myself for who I am. Once I can clearly see who I am, maybe I can change it in accordance to who I want to be.
The volunteering has been something of the most significant thing that's happened lately. Besides offering my time for others, I've come to meet so many other people, especially young women, who are interesting and intelligent, and with whom I actually have meaningful exchanges (versus the dumb one-liners on dating apps that almost never get a response). Not that one is a replacement for the other--well, actually, yes; one _is_ a replacement for the other. Spending time at places you have an investment and interest in, and where there are an influx of other people, already spells at least one common thing you and a potential significant other may have. Not just stuff put on a bio in a profile, but things you're both already performing. Just this weekend I took part in an action and it was a really interesting experience. I keep thinking, why didn't I do this so much sooner?
Things still get a bit much, mainly work-wise. The overwhelming now feels more "cognitively" rather than an overall drainage of energy. But I'm expecting things to cool down by themselves as I return home to family for the holidays. Still, I haven't felt depressed the past week, so I reckon things must be looking up.
Notwithstanding, I've been feeling pretty lonely on the days when I haven't got anything social on. The loneliness manifests itself in brief but powerful moments of longing for another body. Not sexually per se, more in the vein of the presence and physical contact. Like there's this bodily element that is missing "around me". The thought had crossed me to MO in these moments, but those thoughts just don't hold much authority. I let myself feel the longing and let my imagination conjure up pleasant scenarios of what it is my heart wants (sometimes sexual, erotic, yes, but not pornographic). But of course, I don't want just anyone, but someone with whom I'm emotionally invested... like you Mediadude20, I really just want "one nice girl". --Maybe we shouldn't be thinking too hard on that, and just focus on spending time in diverse social settings--surround yourself with friends--and then, before we realize it, we find ourselves with just such nice girl.
I have a lingering dread, though. In a few days I'll be returning home to my parent's place. For all intends and purposes, this is house in which I had spent years upon years cultivating the cancer that is PMO under the blanket of ignorance. I can recall hundreds of scenarios all across my life where I would hide myself to PMO. Every time I have returned, I would resume the habit--but with increased intensity. Home is not a pleasant place on many factors, and I think this would exasperate my PMO usage. PMO would be here like a personal retreat, something I could always count on to give me some excitement and satisfaction in a place that is largely boring and dissatisfying. I don't think I remember a time at this place where PMO wasn't part of it. However, as bad as I think about this place and what's been, I'll also be coming back as someone I've never been before. I've never been this mentally strong as I am now, this physically strong, this motivated and this courageous. If things happen to go south, then it'll be a new learning experience for me. But I'm pretty hopeful that I'll push through. I just need to understand to tackle the boredom, the frustration and the dissatisfaction in more productive and creative ways. Maybe I can put to use the new habits and knowledge I've cultivated over the past few months.
8 weeks! Kind of unbelievable! It's crazy to think about. Hope you're keeping well Mediadude20! Care for your body and mind, and others, and they will all care for you when you need it.