The Long Way Home

Wolfman

Member
Cheers ShadeTrenicin! Thank for you saying that. And yes, I do feel proud of myself. Man, these past 4 months have been just so intense. Thanks man!

So a short update, as I'm strapped for time and I'll be going on a mostly work related trip the next week.

Things not working out with that girl has left me feeling very lonely. Mostly I can get a handle on myself, but other times I just have to lay down on the couch and do nothing--just sit there an reminisce and have the feelings wash over me. I've been thinking about joining one of the dating apps again (the more serious one), but if I do that, I'll do that in a few weeks time. I don't know how much of my emotions are driving my decision making right now, and if I do get back on those things, I want to do so without a desperate need. But we'll see, it may just be my feelings of loneliness talking more than anything else.

P has also been drifting over my mind recently, particularly in those lonely moments. It's kind of made a stronger comeback than anything for the past few months, and it goes to show just how deeply it set its roots. Strong as they may have come back, there's no way they've even scratched the defenses my soul, my psyche and my body have set up. The P thoughts fade and I get back to my projects, and once there, I have no yearning for that sort of thing. Overall, more and more time goes to being productive and actively working through stuff (whether it's work or personal). Been also walking, at least once a day, which helps a lot. And it helps to see spring slowly coming over the horizon.
 

Wolfman

Member
Long time no update. Times been very busy with work and I've been hanging out with a girl.

So things have been steady getting closer with this girl, but I'm not sure yet if the spark is really there anymore as we seem to drift apart, desire-wise. In any case, recently we had a night of intense cuddling and, while I felt pretty damn good with just that, part of me felt something was missing. So this morning, I mo'd (no porn, just thinking about the girl and our cuddling). 18 weeks and 2 days without intentional orgasm, so this is the longest I've ever gone without getting myself off before puberty. It didn't feel all that amazing, to be honest. What was nice about it was the feeling of pleasure conjoined with the thoughts of that girl; not the pleasure itself or the fact I was just by myself, these were rather negative. Overall, this just reinforces that there's no point to mo'ing.

P has, since my last post, been sort of flying over my mind time and again, but always at a distance. I'm not worried that my mo this morning is going to escalate, although there might be a chaser effect, so I should be on my guard.

On the good side, I do feel an erection coming on whenever me and this girl are kissing deeply or cuddling. No idea how sturdy it is, so to speak, but it feels like a nice boost to my confidence. Besides, not having actual sex hasn't really been bothering me, not in a oh-my-world-is-falling-apart or I'm-totally-missing-out kind of sense.

Still, orgasm does throw my emotions up in a ruckus a bit, but I'm accepting it, taking it as a part of life that thing's aren't always going to stable or controllable (nor, perhaps, should they). Anyway, 18 weeks and 2 days without p and pmo - that's the most important thing.
 

ShadeTrenicin

Well-Known Member
Hey Wolfmann, good to still see you come here.

From what I read, overall you are doing well and you've found a really good foundation to protect yourself from PMO-ing. I think you are acing it and I hope that things with this girl will unfold themselves in a really positive way.

Good luck brother.
 

Wolfman

Member
There has been a two more intentional mo's. But no porn. They are related to rising sexual feelings with this girl. We still haven't had sex, only cuddled and kissed, but it's enough to leave me wanting more. It's also annoying me how slow she's taking it. It's weird, because if there was no "opportunity", so to speak, I don't think I would've minded that much. But now it's like it can happen, but it doesn't, and it annoys me. I can't tell whether she's taking it slow because that's how she wants it or if she's playing for time because she's already lost the desire, or because of other things. It's just so confusing and draining.

But more urgent is the fact that I feel this girl is not there for me as much as I want her to and need her to. I'm not holding this against her or what we have together. She's got a lot going on her own end, and for reasons I cannot go in here, I can't ask of her more. But having opened up more to somebody else, you kinda feel vulnerable--which is okay--but you want that vulnerability to be cared for. But now I'm feeling I'm opening myself up and I'm not getting back what I expect emotionally. Intellectually, I understand I can't expect more and, frankly, I don't want to. But there's a whole other side of me that wants things differently; want things to be real, intense and acted out beyond social rules and standards of this world.

Apart from that, been feeling real spiritual fatigue coming on. Every week now there are a couple of days where I just sink and collapse. It's like I'm a functional maniac of some sort; trying to keep a sinking ship together, but I can't figure out where the holes and breeches are. It all looks like it's airtight, but I'm steadily going under water and I don't know why. This stuff with the virus hasn't helped, as so much social stuff has been cancelled and particularly lots of stuff in the early summer. I feel like the whole world is entering into the black fatigue.

A few weeks ago I rejoined one of the dating sites. Since things between me and that girl were only going to be on a friendship basis, I figured I might as well "move on". But after a week, I deleted it. Recently I joined another one (something more serious), but if there are no real connections happening, then I'll delete that too. I tried playing some video games on the weekend (something I haven't done by myself in ages), but I felt wretched, felt like wasting my time, even though I was super tired from other physical and intellectual work, and I needed a break. But I just seem to have a hard time giving myself a break, a stupid superficial break. I want to have other interests in life, but the darn pandemic is giving me so many second thoughts about what to do. Funny, the old me would have reveled in an opportunity to just be home and play games all day--the current me finds this abhorrent and deeply unfortunate.

I don't know. I went out today. Sat myself down on a bench. It was sunny and it was warm, the feeling of fresh and warmer weather coming on. I think I was a couple of hours on that bench. Just relaxing, drifting, sitting up to read a little. Just enjoying the hot sun gracing my face. I'm feeling a bit better after that, the way you feel alleviated after a long good cry.

Thanks for your comment ShadeTrenicin! Hard to say whether things are going better, at least it's issues without P.

20 weeks, 6 days, without P and PMO.
 

Wolfman

Member
It's been a difficult couple of weeks. The isolation that comes with the pandemic has brought me back to a place in life I thought I had left behind. I really don't want to be alone anymore--I've lived that existence so much--but it's the thing to do now (I mean, basic solidarity with those more exposed to the virus). Everything's closed and no social events are on. You'd think I'd be an expect at being alone, but that's not how that thing works--it's not a skill but a privation. A slow-eating loss. But, there's been a few chats here and there online, and I have spent time with that girl, which has been very nice. But there's been some glum episodes.

I don't want to get into too much details, but suffice to say it involved alcohol and talking about some really dark stuff from my past among a few people at an otherwise chill and lighthearted evening together. I've reflected on why this happened, because I've never done something like that--ever. So it's like I lost control, but also, I didn't, since I would not have said and talked about those things unless part of me really needed to get those things out. Unfortunately, the way it came out was really bad and has put a serious strain on my connection with this girl.

Then a week later, I had really bad depression. I have my dark moods, but I think the isolation made it much, much worse. This day I spent with this girl and a few of her friends. But I couldn't engage with them. The depression literally covered everything, and I saw everything and everyone with suspicion and pride, thinking the worst. Eventually, I left my friends and went home, where I wrote about all that was going through me for five straight hours.

Things are getting better. I'm talking with that girl, she's very understanding and supportive, and we're mending our connection, but I worry it's irreparably changed for the worse.

The one bright spot in all of this is that P was never on my mind (nor was MO for that matter, or anything sexual). Not once did I think of going to it as a way of dealing with any of these issues. And while likely I'm more emotionally vulnerable now because I don't have the (false) comforts of P, I'm all the better for it because I can take it raw. I take it real, I confront it and take responsibility, however that may result. I was surprised to discover this in the aftermath of these events. Perhaps for the first time I'm learning to be with others, free from poison that is PMO.

So I think with P out of my life, I'm discovering things about my attitude and emotions that could previously not be expressed. Some of which have come out in a really bad way. But this has made me realize that there's real evil dwelling inside of me, and that to be good is perhaps not shoving these things out or just simply expelling them, but, to be good is to be with yourself in those wretched moments and let love take ownership and responsibility.

More concretely, I think I'll apologize to everyone involved at that night I was wasted, and just say it like it is. I do feel a lot of shame about all of this, a lot of shame of what happened, the sudden onset of depression, the dark stuff just coming out of me, and I feel shame about having to take action about something I didn't feel I fully controlled. But it's exactly when you take responsibility for when you didn't have full control, that maybe you take back more of that control by owning it as a part of you (because it is) and being honest about that.

A lot of stuff. I need to keep working on my actual work, but I feel a little fatigued from all this. Maybe it's best to just take it easy for a day or two. But then again, work might bring my mind elsewhere and give my thoughts on this some rest. Anyway, I hope you're all staying healthy, well and safe. In many respects, the pandemic doesn't really change the core problem with PMO, but does add more challenge with the lack of social events and isolation. But, perhaps it's a challenge that we would've had to face sooner or later anyway. Better sooner, eh?

24 weeks, 1 day.
 

ShadeTrenicin

Well-Known Member
Hey Wolfman,


First of all, i hear you on the whole isolation thing! it's difficult.

Second, i think you nailed it by saying that withou P you are now learning to open and engage with other people. I recognize something in that as well.
I think it is only logical that whenever you get rid of something as poisonous as PMO, you have to adjust on a pysical but mostly an emotional level. Things are really difficult and when slowly desensitizing, you start opening up. This counts for both positive emotions as wel as the negative ones. And the negative ones were always drowned with PMO, so now that you've stopped that they surface.

Happy to read that P did not once come to your mind, it  shows real dedication and I commend you for it.

Regarding the girl and the ppl, apologizing is never wrong. I think it shows courage and the willingness to accept and learn from mistakes.

Be safe and healthy man!
 

Wolfman

Member
Thanks ShadeTrenicin, as always, I really appreciate your post and I think you're absolutely right! And things have really been emotional lately. I get more frequent depressive episodes, and they're getting more numbing every time. It's happened twice this week.

I've gotten back on dating apps for the past few weeks and started playing video games again. I'm wondering if these things are making me worse, because it feels I'm sliding back to my previous life, all that's missing now is P. Man, I've been going out for long walks everyday, been trying to work, to stay occupied, but I just get drained nonetheless. I want to do stuff, I want to write, to work on my projects, but then I don't.

P have been coming back on my mind most recently, and so has MO. But the only times I've ever MO'd since I started this journey was when I was recently visited by a girl, where we cuddled and I could still feel as if her body was around me. I haven't MO'd "cold", so to speak, like out of boredom. And I'm aware now that if I do it like that, it would just be a bandage--a really bad one. So I don't. I've abstained from that.

Had a really great chat exchange with a girl I met on a dating app when I first jumped back a few weeks ago. Like really long messages, kept apace for well over a week. But she's currently not in the same town (due to you know what) and it looks like things have just about petered out. Today she messaged that "things are hectic and that she'd postpone any communication until she gets back in town". Now, sure, she may actually earnestly want that, but I doubt it. I don't mind if she's lost interest though, but everything just sucks so bad right now. I just feel so lost.

Maybe I should quit the dating app and solo video gaming, but then what? It's like I'm facing the music already. I go out, I workout, I read, I cook food, still I'm just more emotionally volatile than before. I'm trying to think that I should just accept being bored or that the situation sucks, but I'm in my head so much it's driving me crazy.

 

ShadeTrenicin

Well-Known Member
Hey man, im glad see you posting again and that you've come to the forum in this emotional heavy time in stead of PMO!

I don't have experience with dating apps but i can tell you from recent experience that solo gaming (like immersive rpg based games) can actually lead to withdrawal and addictive behaviour. For me it didn't lead to PMO, but i was completely mentally upset and displayed behavior that was exactly like when I PMO'd a lot. I can imagine that dating apps can also have a chasing/level up/addictive component. Meet the next girl, the rush of matching.. But I know to little about it to say if it can be a good or a bad thing, you can best decide that for yourself.

Regarding the girl, i can't say anything other than that sometimes it just works out like that. Maybe there was a great connection but there is something going on at her end, maybe in the end your interests didn't meet. You can never know for sure. And while that sucks you have the total power in the way that you can decide how you want to cope with that.

But with depressive episodes that must be extra challenging for you. I do see that you are doing great as in working out, cooking, reading. But I sort of 'sense' that in the absence of a significant other you are missing something else. I'm just guessing here and I have no idea how you actually feel. Is it direction that you are missing, emotional comfort, the ability to just be?

I have no idea if this is your cup of tea, but here i a video that has helped me tremendously with coping with negative feelings. This video is the first of two. It has helped me to look at my emotions, let them be and then process them.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JFzbAHgdPNw&t=1459s

It really sucks to see you struggling. So please feel free to come to this forum more and just post more. We're not professionals but all of us  sure are in the same situation and we understand. We just do! I hope to read more of you soon, please keep us updated

Good luck!







 

Wolfman

Member
Cheers ShadeTrenicin. That's a very perceptive and thoughtful post, and it already helps a little just by reading. Thanks for taking the time, mate, I really appreciate it. I'll check out the video you posted!

Well, I think a lot of this is due to the virus. It just shut down all social events around me, and I had a lot of stuff planned. Instead, I'm left mostly with myself, the one thing I wanted to avoid, because I thought going out and doing stuff with people would be the thing to do. And it really was working.

I guess I just didn't plan for this. I still, or my emotional life, live under the expectations of what I had intended around this time. Maybe I just need to completely re-adjust once again. Well, maybe not completely, but take stock of the situation afresh, but now with the actual conditions: that I just won't be able to see many people and I have to plan events for myself to break out of a stultifying routine.

A significant other would help, and I notice that I just miss basic emotional comfort, but I also think being part of a community is also very important. Sadly, the latter is not forthcoming right now. Ah well, I'm just going to have to treat this as a new challenge for the PMO-free journey. While P is relatively far off my mind, if I don't care for my emotions and well-being, I'm basically eroding my barricades and defenses against the real virus--P.

 

KittyHawk

Active Member
Very true - quarantine because of the coronavirus is making recovery from PMO way harder. I am working from home now, have very limited options of going outside, and some financial stress was added on top of that (again). But if we can make it now, imagine how much easier it is going to be for us, once the life is back to normal. Just keep going.
 

ShadeTrenicin

Well-Known Member
Hey Wolfman (i always have the urge to write Wolfie  ;D)

I think you are very right in saying that you need to take care of your self, emotions and metal wellbeing. There is only so much a person can take.
Indeed it would be erroding your defenses against P, which is the real virus indeed.

I hope you've managed the past six days and that you have found a way to fortify your defenses and barricades.


As always, i'm rooting for you!

 

Wolfman

Member
Quite right, KittyHawk. If we can make it through this, we can make it through anything. Thanks for posting.

Cheers ShadeTrenicin. There an absolute limit of how much a person can take, and it's important to remind ourselves we're not heroes in some comic story or any story for that matter. Stories about heroes tend to exclude the boring and mundane stuff, but I think that's exactly where the real heroism is: not in these extraordinary actions but how you carry yourself ordinarily, in the trenches of the everyday. (Please, not Wolfie :D )

So I had really bad night at the start of this week. I woke up with a wet dream in the middle of the night. I had slept something like three hours. I cleaned myself up and went back to bed, but I couldn't, wouldn't sleep. My head just wouldn't shut itself off. What's worse, I kept thinking about how lost I was, how my future has so little prospects, how my current situation is not working for me, how I'm so lonely, how I have so few friends, how I keep circling the same old stuff and never truly getting anywhere. It was a vicious onslaught. It went like this for hours, as I tried to just hope to fall asleep again.

But when it started getting light out, I realized I wasn't falling asleep again. Suddenly, I felt fine. Like the past 2-3 hours lying in bed thinking those wretched things was just all a bad dream. I got up and booted my computer and started playing a video game. I felt so sleep deprived so I couldn't really do much else besides entertainment at this point. But then I felt the strong chaser effect from the wet dream earlier in the night and I went back to bed to MO. And then again an hour later. It really felt strange letting it happen so rapidly, but around midday my head had woken up enough that I could start my day and everything from then on went as normal. I was worried that I might succumb to more MO the next days, but I didn't. I guess not every day is the same and can't always be treated with the same measure.

Yesterday--Saturday morning--I felt really sluggish and crappy, and there were moments where I thought "here P would happen" and that made me think of those things. But I had scheduled to see a friend that afternoon, so I thought to myself "just hold out for another 30mins, and then you'll be out and about". I lay myself down on the floor and just let time pass. I was feeling too drained to do any activity. So I just lay there, letting myself get bored or just breathe. When that half an hour was up, I took my bike out and cycled and I noticed just how in my own cage I was. And how little I needed to switch gears: just be outside, seeing people on the streets (however few), going about doing stuff. It immediately made me feel better, and when I saw my friend a little later, I had almost all but forgotten about it.

Some of my friends and acquaintances are also struggling, so I've tried to be some help to them. I think focusing on others helps taking it away from the void you feel inside of you.

27 weeks, 4 days.
 

ShadeTrenicin

Well-Known Member
Very well Wolfman, i will stick with your original name ;)

I totally agree on your take of heroism. I think hero stories are romanticized (if that is how you spell it) and romantizise the stress and trauma of such impactfull situations. It is indeed the way one behaves in the oridinary that defines true heroism.

Sucks that your night went like that. It all seems like a really bad order of things to happen that had left you with sleep deprivation and thus lowering your mental defenses. I do recognize the mood you were in. I've experienced similar nights, exactly like you've described. The waking up or not being able to sleep, your mind working at 110%, and then the next day you're exhausted. On these days i've PMO'd 9 out of 10 times!

So, what do you think made that switch of mood when you set foot outside? You describe like it was a 180 degrees turn in mood. Im curious what emotions you experienced, or what you sensed?

Good luck man! Glad to read you didnt PMO!
 

Wolfman

Member
Time seems to take a life of its own sometimes. I've thought to come back and write on the journal a dozen times, but every time there's like one or two other things that I just need to get done first. The journal gets very low priority. Which I don't necessarily take as a bad thing. I am doing lots of stuff, being mostly engaged with various projects (a new one recently that took quite a bit of energy and attention to going properly). But life isn't always right--in fact, you can put scientific exactitude on that it won't always be--and in moments like these I'm grateful I have this journal I come back to, express my thoughts and feelings, like that of holding up a mirror to my soul.

Good news is that there's been no PMO. There's been a few wet dreams, one in which prompted a sudden chaser effect that led to a few MO's, and then there's been a few MO's here and there, but usually once or twice a week at most. These don't bother me. I just make sure that I'm not MO'ing because I'm bored or feeling lonely, because then I'm falling back into using it as a crutch. This hasn't happened--and it won't.

Another piece of good news is that I've told my nearest and newest friend here about my addiction. It was a real deepening of our friendship and it made me feel more secure, valued and comforted to tell this person such a heavy burden. I didn't yet specify exactly that it is to do with P, but it was enough to just put it out there without having to go into too much detail all at once. I'm glad that this has happened.

The bad news is that romance-life is basically dead. It's been dead for more than two months. I still hang around on these dating apps, but the longer I'm on these things the less actual meaningful contact I seem to get and the more frustrated and shallow I become. I'm thinking it may be time to get out soon (these things are like radioactive; really makes you feel a social nausea at the sudden lack of engagement by people... I'm not blaming anyone here; I feel the same fatigue myself. Maybe these things are like exhausting our willingness to establish new contacts, even if it is all virtual). It's quite annoying because routines settle all to easily and I feel like life just become this bland, grey day, one after the other. Especially on days when it's sunny and fresh, I feel should be sharing it with someone special--like the couples I see huddled together on the river. It's probably best not to think about it and instead just do stuff. But often when night comes and I go bed alone, I cannot help being caught off-guard, longing for another person to hold and be held by.

Then the ugly, and what finally prompted me to come back to this journal and write another entry. I get envious. Fiendishly envious. Particularly of my flatmate who seems to pick up chicks left and right. He comes home with a new girl every month, as well as having a stable friend with benefits. It actually enrages me that he's capable of doing this. What is it that these girls see in him? Sure, he's light-hearted, easy-going, sociable, friendly, able to connect quickly with new people--qualities I wish I could have. But I find him trite and boring in conversation. His opinions on serious matters undeveloped and, in fact, he's utterly incapable of holding a real conversation about a topic of genuine interest. He generally doesn't seem to be steered by anything great and expects life to sort itself out most of the time. So, why am I envious? I would not want any girl that would want him, and if they want him just for bodily satisfaction, then I'm even less inclined! And yet I get these furious pangs and I have to cover up with layers of concrete to stifle. So the intellect is at odds with my emotional life. I'm not sure whether I'm envious of the girls and the sexual adventure, or of these particular qualities he has. But in either case, it is not me, so it shouldn't be something I should bother about. And yet, I do. It drives me mad sometimes and it brings out this ugly monstrosity that temporarily paralyzes me with these revolting affections.

Shade: It's been a while, I apologize for not answering you sooner. I think, if I were to describe that feeling, it would be one of the feeling of being awake. Being among people, taking part in the hustle and bustle, just physically going somewhere, brought a diversity to my mental life that one cannot bring into being by simple imagination when one is alone. ... Maybe that's what I should do next time the envious urge hits me--just go out, take a walk in the street, hit the pub (if they are open).

33 weeks and 6 days P and PMO-free.
 

ShadeTrenicin

Well-Known Member
Hi Wolfman,


I understand the envy i guess.. But also understand that the thing that you actually dislike about the dating apps is what connects your flatmate with the girls he picks up.
To me the whole dating app thing seems very plastic and discontorted from reality. An image is created that does not focus on the things you want in a relationship. Instead the focus is on appearance and quick scoring. It is basically what you also find on social media; a facade. And while your flatmate picks up chicks left and right, is he truly happy? Can he truly be fulfilled by the quick and short encounters he has. Is wat he has basically not similar to having a porn addiction?

Don't worry about having those feelings man, you are human. Every person has these feelings but you will never see them. It's just that you are this honest to yourself and therefore also to us and that you are willing to admit to yourself and us that you have these feelings. I think that everyone on this forum will recognize those feelings.

But, finding meaningful contact and someone to cherish and hold is something that we all desire. Even your flatmate and the girls he picks up.. But maybe they mistake carnal pleasure for love. A substitute gratification. While you are now ready to commit and fully give yourself to someone, other people are afraid of getting hurt.. So they choose sex as a substitute for love.

I do not know where you live and the current crisis is making it difficult to go out.. And besides the dating apps are there not still some more serious dating sites, that are fully focussed on seeking a mate for life? (i have no idea about the whole dating scene anyhow)


Anyway, i'm very glad to read that you are still PMO free and also that you are posting on here again.
Please keep doing this, also for non PMO related things. I found that posting here can be very therapeutic. And while you will not always get the response you were hoping for. You will always find support here.

Stay safe!
 

Wolfman

Member
Thanks Shade. You're quite right, writing here is itself therapeutic.

Times feel really strange. Life is okay-ish, like I haven't really got much to complain about, and then in this lull I seem to get increasingly plagued by my lack of romantic relationships. The past few weeks have actually been really lethal--while a few MO's now take place every week, I've been tempted to just flip up P on my phone. I'm thinking just of a topless picture, something really vanilla--and then this silent whisper tells me not to. It tells me I've built up far too much now to fall over something so small and silly. This isn't really a good argument (who cares about quantity?) but in the moment, when you're tempted, immersed in shadows, this stuff is actually pretty helpful.

But aside from near temptations with P, I've been more caught up with the lack of romance, the lack of intimacy and intensity. It's slowly been grinding me down. I'm at the height of summer, I see couples everywhere I go and I'm feeling the best moments of my life just wash wastefully away. But then I walk here one day and I think to myself what a waste it is to be thinking about this waste! I get so caught up on my lack that I immediately forget that orienting my life around the lack does not make it go away. If anything, it's giving it legitimacy. There is nothing to do about the lack: give only lack back to the lack. Meet nothing with nothing and see it evaporate. It's funny how easily one gets trapped in one's own mind and I think that without the right habits and mechanisms, this kind of dream-like torment is always just going to return: it'll creep back on you when you least expect it. How many times hasn't this already happened?

So I realize the fault in my current habits, I expose the vacuous tormentor, but then what? Unless I take this moment to DO SOMETHING about it, the awareness of it will fade and in 1-2 weeks or a month or two, it'll be back creeping up on me. So I have this window, this heightened consciousness where I can do something about it--but then the question is what is it I want? This question puts me back a little. There should be a ready and easy answer, but there isn't. Obviously, I want happiness, to be free, but these are so ephemeral and vague notions. When it comes to specificity, I know mostly what I don't want.

What we don't want, then, plays a role in the larger narrative of what it is we do want. Maybe a negative action, not doing something, is already something positive. I don't give into PMO--I don't want to be that person anymore. I don't give into endlessly longing after romance--I (want to) don't want to be that person anymore. All this plays a role in the higher sense of who we want to be. Of course, it can feel and does feel like nothing much is achieved through negative action, like there's nothing substantial in not doing something. But having been in the hell that is PMO, we know just how empty this particular "positive" action can be. If there are actions then that may be utterly hollow, could there not be non-actions which are meaningful? In the end, there is always some action-- not doing X is itself a kind of doing.

One can get lost in the sea of positivity - a doing of lots of stuff that don't feel meaningful or add up to much. Then one can get lost in a lush oasis of lacks, illusions of situations and things that aren't real but we desire them nonetheless, and, perversely, there may be some solace in this perpetual wanting. And then there are negative stances one can take to both: negate simple positivity or negate the dreams. What is left may seem frightfully null and void, but this, I want to claim, is not the same hollowness felt after an episode of PMO. That's a void that is imposed on you, just as little in control as the act of PMO itself. It's a mechanical and unfree state, just as the one that acted on the desire in the first place and executed the act. The point is that the whole sequence is one where you are rendered an observer to yourself, some dark passenger that doesn't control the vehicle. At least with the void and nothing that comes out of the negative action, you are the one in charge of this one: you said no to PMO, you said no to long after romance that isn't there, you said no to the thing that weighs you down. It may look like nothing in the result, but it isn't, it's just your own power of freedom coming to the fore.

Some really raw thoughts there, and I still have to figure out the positive path, but unfolding my thoughts like this is helpful. I'll try to post more often.

38 weeks, 4 days.
 

imsorrynotsorry

Active Member
When it comes to specificity, I know mostly what I don't want.

In terms of a mechanical problem it's important to know what doesn't work to circle the problem, to finally make the step to solve the problem. Easy said.

In life, generally, one tends to think about everything too much, like a small action would have consequences for years and because of that no one wants to try stuff. There is so much thinking about daring something, embarrassement, courage, failure, happiness, when most of the time none of that is happening at all. I think only two things are final, birth and death, everything else constant change. Not doing something is a kind of action, but it's also not participating in change. In change one will see what is good and what not. If staying away of PMO gave you the void to not knowing what you want, it's very important to work on the wanting, to learn wanting something. If not, PMO will try to take the chances to creep up on you.
 

ShadeTrenicin

Well-Known Member
Hi Wolfman,

first of all glad to see you on here again and still PMO free. I was triggered by one specific sentence

Wolfman said:
One can get lost in the sea of positivity - a doing of lots of stuff that don't feel meaningful or add up to much. Then one can get lost in a lush oasis of lacks, illusions of situations and things that aren't real but we desire them nonetheless, and, perversely, there may be some solace in this perpetual wanting. And then there are negative stances one can take to both: negate simple positivity or negate the dreams. What is left may seem frightfully null and void, but this, I want to claim, is not the same hollowness felt after an episode of PMO.

I agree on this and I want to offer a option; to not get lost but practice awareness and acceptance. Being aware of the hollowness of giving into temptation. Being aware that perpetual wanting and giving in to superficial need is a substitute gratification of feelings untouched. And acceptance that one cannot constantly do meaningful things in life. Joy, to me, is to be able to let go of those feelings and unconditionally have love for myself. And a part of loving yourself is also to take care for yourself. And you Wolfman are doing that by ridding yourself of porn. Because as you've described, the void after PMO is worse than simple desire for stupid things or not having attention for life itself. By ridding yourself of it, you have cleared a path to another way of life but to me it seems that you do not yet know which way to go. I can only say to you that you are, as you describe, in charge of your own actions and I hope that you will find the way.


Take care my friend. I am as always rooting for you



 

Wolfman

Member
The economy of time is tyranny.

Why do I write that? Of late, I have been constantly worrying about my use of time. My studies are progressing slowly and the grand deadline is nearing. I question whether I will be capable of finishing. It's really bearing down on me and I'm trying to be strategic about my work, motivation and time management. It's like everything's revolving around this single thing and it's kind of choking me.

My moods have been very volatile of late. I'm getting plenty of social interaction with friends, new and old,--which is all actually very good and I think I've really evolved on that front since a year ago--but it's all taking time away from the studies. It really grinds me that I can't have a handle on that, now that I've been doing this for almost a decade. It feels like, if I don't complete my studies I've basically been wasting my time. Somehow I can't just enjoy things, even though I try; I try to set time aside and do enjoyable things and I have been doing that, so why doesn't stuff work with my studies?

It is also that the stuff I'm working on is incredibly hard and the difficulty alone (with the lack of people to talk to it about nearby) would be enough to disparage anyone. But I should also be enjoying this--I always enjoyed challenges in the past. I've thought countless of times of just coming back to the journal here and give it an update, but that too fell under the judgment of time-use. I can't spend an hour writing out a journal update now because I could use that hour to write on my studies. Everything is registered according to a single, all-encompassing regime.

It's such a paradoxical thing since a key component of my studies is about control and how pure control is self-contradictory. Why do I seek--even if it is just thinking about it--total control over my time? It becomes a pernicious thing.

It doesn't help that love-life has been pretty much destitute. While there has been some dates over this summer, they have been thoroughly unexciting and the last one was even torturous. It's draining to put yourself out there like this and it all fizzles into nothing. Spending some time with a good friend I have here was very comforting, but that was last week and I seem to be just as equally in the rut as before.

Maybe the work issue is a smokescreen for a deeper thing bothering me. It is, after all, just over a year since a monumental event in my life took place, when I came to learn that a love I harbored for another for many years had terminated definitively. This person still holds considerable power over me, even though we have not spoken or texted for well over 8-9 months. I do not see this person as a friend, not a real one at any rate, and it does not help to keep communications going. I have written about this elsewhere extensively, but I still feel there is more that needs to be written. But to this, too, I've struggled with finding the motivation and the voice. It's like everything is a struggle--love, work, time... not to mention I'm hopelessly in debt and the prospects of a career in what I study isn't looking good. Life is good, if you just look at what's around me, but in my head it feels like I'm trading one despair for another.

I also did something recently, but I'm not prepared to write about that. Not yet. But maybe that, too, is having some effect.

On the good side, still no PMO. There are 1-2 MOs every week, but these are fairly sensual based--or I ride on a recent attraction I had to a person I met in real life. Today, however, I looked up the insta of someone I met long ago--very salaciously hinting though elegant stuff. What's bothering me is that I decided to MO because I felt stressed and I don't want that to be a coping mechanism for anything. I need to be on guard for that.

In the end, maybe I shouldn't try to manage time. I think I was better at this before. Why is it such a problem now? Is it the season? Is it that event a year ago coming back to haunt me? The weather also just suddenly turned very cold here. I don't remember it being this cold at this time last year.

So yeah, another overly late update. Thank you Shade for your unwavering support. I'm sorry I don't reply in a timely fashion but I appreciate reading every word you type.

48 weeks, 6 days. I feel like I should be better now, but life is just hard.
 
Hello Wolfman,

I have read through a good portion of your thread, and I believe there is a key aspect of your rebooting process that I feel may be hindering your progress. While you do keep your mind and day busy with countless activities, (all worthwhile of course) I believe you are actually not in the moment. It seems like you are constantly awaiting for something to happen in the future, especially when it comes to having a relationship. With much of your posts I feel you are reaching tirelessly into the world waiting for a woman to come by and sweep you up. This puts you in a state of unrest, however little or prominent. Perhaps you can take a step back on the searching for a mate. It is like struggling to swim across a body of turbulent water in a state of panic not knowing that the body of water is shallow enough to where you can stand (or allowing the waves to carry you to shore). Which ever one makes more sense.

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I felt that I might share this with you..

I wish you continued progress and inner peace.
 
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