The Long Way Home

[zackergeet]

If I felt drained last time, yesterday I was in physical pain. I felt sick, nausea, intermittent pain in my testicles, had a strange headache and my left eye hurt. I had spent the day before helping a friend move furniture, then did some work and then spent the evening with another friend drinking, watching a movie and talking. All in all a nice mix of work and relaxing, but still my physical being felt really out of sorts the day after (it could well be the drinking and a relative lack of sleep from the past few days--or psychosomatic manifestation of some sort, but if it passes within a day or two I'm not gonna worry). Anyway, I couldn't muster any work, tried as I might. At most got just a few paragraphs but then couldn't do more and got distracted by other stuff. I went out for a walk where I met another friend spontaneously and we had a brief chat. Still feeling pretty tired when I got back home, I opted to watch something, so I watched this documentary on netflix about fungi. That was interesting enough though I hated the directing of it. Oh well, I got to bed earlier than normal to catch up on sleep but it took me quite a while to actually fall asleep.

Today I got some energy back but didn't feel fully rested. Anyhow, managed to get a good portion of work done, and I'll be heading out for a social thing this evening with some acquaintances.

I also feel like I'm really missing someone right now, to be intimate with someone and be near with someone physically and spiritually--and of course pornography offers itself in my mind as the mend to these feelings. But I push the thoughts aside, try to keep myself active in whatever I do unless I'm physically unable.

But a small victory for me! Hit another milestone! I'm feeling the effort now but so is the reward slowly and surely on its way, if only the simple counting at this point. And I'm feeling in the best shape regarding the recovery that I've felt all year. Let's do 40 next!

Hardmode: 30

Great man! Congrats on day 30 I am glad you did not fall for the trap. Unfortunately I did last time when I reached 60 days I was in pain because I had to drive 3 days in a row for 12 hours and I remember that I could not sleep and my body hurt, and since I could get erections easily at the moment I decide to do PMO and I fucked it up and I did not come back here immediately I was ashamed and continue doing PMO once or twice a week. I am glad did you were strong. Continue like that, much love!

 

[Wolfman]

Thanks zackergeet, I really appreciate you stopping by!

So, last night I ended my hardmode. I had gone on a date with this girl a few weeks ago and last night we had our second date. Things got pretty heated and the electricity was in the air. I had been debating with myself whether or not I would put the brakes on if things came to that. I would only do so if things weren't flowing naturally, if there wasn't real emotional weight to it--but boy did I feel there was. This girl feels special. Now, the PIED was very much there, but that wasn't surprising, I know I have a long way to go to heal and I'm not ashamed of that. It is what it is, but it won't be forever.

I did decide that although I wouldn't enforce the hardmode anymore, I would not masturbate. I will basically keep things "hardmode" except when and if things happen with this girl. Outside of that, it's the same as before. I was a little tempted to daydream and pleasure myself from memories of yesterday, but I had made my decision and the rest of my mind complied and shut the urge down. I let the daydreams flow freely, though, and I listened to a lot of love songs. Suddenly, they all seem to be about me. Odd that.

NO PMO: 35 days

 

[Orbiter]

Thanks zackergeet, I really appreciate you stopping by!

So, last night I ended my hardmode. I had gone on a date with this girl a few weeks ago and last night we had our second date. Things got pretty heated and the electricity was in the air. I had been debating with myself whether or not I would put the brakes on if things came to that. I would only do so if things weren't flowing naturally, if there wasn't real emotional weight to it--but boy did I feel there was. This girl feels special. Now, the PIED was very much there, but that wasn't surprising, I know I have a long way to go to heal and I'm not ashamed of that. It is what it is, but it won't be forever.

I did decide that although I wouldn't enforce the hardmode anymore, I would not masturbate. I will basically keep things "hardmode" except when and if things happen with this girl. Outside of that, it's the same as before. I was a little tempted to daydream and pleasure myself from memories of yesterday, but I had made my decision and the rest of my mind complied and shut the urge down. I let the daydreams flow freely, though, and I listened to a lot of love songs. Suddenly, they all seem to be about me. Odd that.

NO PMO: 35 days

I think that's fair enough Wolfman. Rewiring, learning & practicing real, natural sexual behaviour is an important part of the process that we all have to do sooner or later anyway so why not start now? I believe doing something consistently is more important to succeed than doing it quickly so if rebooting with sex takes a bit longer but is something you can continue to do, so be it right?

I admit I might be wrong so take this with a grain of salt, but I think in many cases we don't focus enough on getting out dating, learning & experiencing life, even with PIED or performance anxiety, and instead focus way too much sitting in front of our computers week after week charting morning wood frequency, obsessing over triggering image on a facebook post or and all that shit. Staying clean & learning all this is important but I think there needs to be a greater vision to recovery than a 90 day streak.

Anyway, that's enough ranting from me. Congratulations on the 35 days clean!

 

[Wolfman]

I think that's fair enough Wolfman. Rewiring, learning & practicing real, natural sexual behaviour is an important part of the process that we all have to do sooner or later anyway so why not start now? I believe doing something consistently is more important to succeed than doing it quickly so if rebooting with sex takes a bit longer but is something you can continue to do, so be it right?

I admit I might be wrong so take this with a grain of salt, but I think in many cases we don't focus enough on getting out dating, learning & experiencing life, even with PIED or performance anxiety, and instead focus way too much sitting in front of our computers week after week charting morning wood frequency, obsessing over triggering image on a facebook post or and all that shit. Staying clean & learning all this is important but I think there needs to be a greater vision to recovery than a 90 day streak.

Anyway, that's enough ranting from me. Congratulations on the 35 days clean!

Thanks for your thoughts Orbiter. Indeed, at the end of the day, the reboot, the practice, the rules, the education we do and set ourselves is for life (in the double sense of being for the rest of our lives as well as for the benefit of living a good life). And I find that life doesn't always follow a plan, and that we need to have a certain openness towards its contingencies and offers. Unlike our regimen and resolve, we cannot plan for opportunities or will them into existence. That being said, I'm not throwing everything out and I am trying to set myself, my own long term well-being, first. Whatever happens, with or without this person I'm finding great affection for, honesty is the best policy (with myself and whoever I'm with). I guess you can also say that we need to split our minds a bit: have resolve but also be open, disciplined but also allow for spontaneity. Maybe in the end a good life needs both sides dancing around each other, such that what we do in recovery is not so much recover but learning to live well?

I agree with you also that there may be too much focus on the "technical bits" and not enough on putting oneself out there to "receive". The technicalities have their place, but they should also ultimately be something that enforces a good habit, not a scaffold (or a cross) we bear for too long. I absolutely agree with you on the greater vision part; I would also add that a true vision is one that actually brings about action, and action that is working towards that vision which motivates even more action (compounding wonder!). Put another way, a theory that just remains a theory is a bad theory--great ideas are the ones that come alive. Cheers again Orbiter. I found a lot of support in your words.

Emotions have been going high and low with major volatility recently. With great passion comes also the fear of losing it. This is expected, but it still throws me off. I don't think about porn, though, and neither do I find it difficult to abstain from masturbating, which is good. Gotta just live, keep doing my projects and see this as a wonderful thing, what happened with this girl, even if it just turns out to be temporary.

 

[Wolfman]

The first days after the aforementioned date were rough. I found myself really being thrown around emotionally like some poor vessel in a stormy sea. But then, just as the storm came, so it goes, and I found myself suddenly feeling very calm--even indifferent. I wondered whether I really felt what I felt and if it wasn't all just a crazy dream. But the feeling of desire slowly came back. Perhaps my being just threw itself out there far too quickly and intensely and that this was a cause of all the volatility. Nevertheless, I don't think this is a bad thing, just life knocking on your door (or more like knocking it down and dragging you out). I think that unless we find ourselves taken outside of ourselves in this violent and radical way, we would never do it by ourselves.

Other than that, kept up my exercise, kept on working. I've discovered, to my pleasure, that even on days when I feel physically tired or languishing moods, there is a drive within me to keep on going. To keep on doing something. To keep developing myself in some way. Like this overburgeoning force that won't take no for an answer, won't buckle down. It keeps setting new standards and new bars and I find myself incapable of going below those.

I had another date yesterday and it was really lovely. We took things slower this time and didn't go too far. However, when I got home I had the worst blue balls in my life's memory. It hurt so much I actively thought about masturbating just to make the pain stop. I googled whether or not blue balls can actually permanently hurt you because it was so painful (it turns out, no, which was actually good because I wasn't looking for excuses to masturbate). So I held the pain, went to bed and the next morning I was fine. In fact, I was super motivated and I went out first thing and got me something nice for breakfast and started the day with reading.

Earlier today when I went out for a walk I thought about how we really determine ourselves in our actions by having those actions be conditions for the things we do in the future. In this way, every action has two faces: one for the present, what you do right now for the immediate pay-off, and another for the future, how this action works as an investment for what you can have the power to do in the future. I guess weight-lifting serves as a good example: you can't start with the heavy stuff, you need to start with something that is an adequate challenge to you now, but this challenge becomes a stepping stone for those more heavy stuff. Everywhere you turn, you can apply this "investment mentality"; how does this action or activity better serve me in the future? What does it give me right now? I think ultimately the best activities are those that give benefits to both at once, just like, again, exercise makes you feel good in the moment and it builds your health for the future. Healthy eating is another, your financial management is another again, your own ability to learn and educate yourself is yet another (likely the most important). It's actually kind of addictive, because all of this stuff compounds and I find myself just more balanced and more in charge of my life. Could this be the "good addiction"? Sounds paradoxical!

Of course, this stuff helps immensely with keeping my no PMO going as well. I'm hardly thinking of pornography and if I do, I quickly and easily dismiss it as the stupid thing it is. Got better things to be doing!

Thanks for checking in!

No PMO 42 days.

PS: Made it past 40 days! Amazing! Let's do 50 next. There are moments when I'm really intensely counting and then suddenly 3-4 days just past by and I check my counter to my surprise.

 

[jonazo91]

The first days after the aforementioned date were rough. I found myself really being thrown around emotionally like some poor vessel in a stormy sea. But then, just as the storm came, so it goes, and I found myself suddenly feeling very calm--even indifferent. I wondered whether I really felt what I felt and if it wasn't all just a crazy dream. But the feeling of desire slowly came back. Perhaps my being just threw itself out there far too quickly and intensely and that this was a cause of all the volatility. Nevertheless, I don't think this is a bad thing, just life knocking on your door (or more like knocking it down and dragging you out). I think that unless we find ourselves taken outside of ourselves in this violent and radical way, we would never do it by ourselves.

Other than that, kept up my exercise, kept on working. I've discovered, to my pleasure, that even on days when I feel physically tired or languishing moods, there is a drive within me to keep on going. To keep on doing something. To keep developing myself in some way. Like this overburgeoning force that won't take no for an answer, won't buckle down. It keeps setting new standards and new bars and I find myself incapable of going below those.

I had another date yesterday and it was really lovely. We took things slower this time and didn't go too far. However, when I got home I had the worst blue balls in my life's memory. It hurt so much I actively thought about masturbating just to make the pain stop. I googled whether or not blue balls can actually permanently hurt you because it was so painful (it turns out, no, which was actually good because I wasn't looking for excuses to masturbate). So I held the pain, went to bed and the next morning I was fine. In fact, I was super motivated and I went out first thing and got me something nice for breakfast and started the day with reading.

Earlier today when I went out for a walk I thought about how we really determine ourselves in our actions by having those actions be conditions for the things we do in the future. In this way, every action has two faces: one for the present, what you do right now for the immediate pay-off, and another for the future, how this action works as an investment for what you can have the power to do in the future. I guess weight-lifting serves as a good example: you can't start with the heavy stuff, you need to start with something that is an adequate challenge to you now, but this challenge becomes a stepping stone for those more heavy stuff. Everywhere you turn, you can apply this "investment mentality"; how does this action or activity better serve me in the future? What does it give me right now? I think ultimately the best activities are those that give benefits to both at once, just like, again, exercise makes you feel good in the moment and it builds your health for the future. Healthy eating is another, your financial management is another again, your own ability to learn and educate yourself is yet another (likely the most important). It's actually kind of addictive, because all of this stuff compounds and I find myself just more balanced and more in charge of my life. Could this be the "good addiction"? Sounds paradoxical!

Of course, this stuff helps immensely with keeping my no PMO going as well. I'm hardly thinking of pornography and if I do, I quickly and easily dismiss it as the stupid thing it is. Got better things to be doing!

Thanks for checking in!

No PMO 42 days.

PS: Made it past 40 days! Amazing! Let's do 50 next. There are moments when I'm really intensely counting and then suddenly 3-4 days just past by and I check my counter to my surprise.

Great read and very inspiring! I'll be checking in on this thread to steal ideas/motivation, I think.

 

[Phineas 808]

Great progress, Wolfman! Truly inspiring...! (started reading your journal)

 

[zackergeet]

@Wolfman great job man, let’s reach the 50 day number!

 

[Wolfman]

Thanks a bunch @jonazo91 @Phineas 808 @zackergeet ! Your comments are really empowering!

So just a quick update. Wet dream last night. Not that that is an issue, but it was just the content of my dream and what led to the event. It was something really perverse. This is a crude reminder that however well things have been going this month, the beast of evil is within me and it's going to take more than a month, or three, or a year, or perhaps beyond, to really set things right. But I'm ready. I don't think I've ever been this ready. The good life starts now, and in fact, it's been going on ever since this journal got started--it just keeps getting better.

Not every day is easy though, I do feel fatigue and motivation wavering at times, but overall things are less hard, less cumbersome, I feel better about life and I think less things that start somewhere in the far future and more about what I can do today to pursue my projects and goals.

 

[zackergeet]

Thanks a bunch @jonazo91 @Phineas 808 @zackergeet ! Your comments are really empowering!

So just a quick update. Wet dream last night. Not that that is an issue, but it was just the content of my dream and what led to the event. It was something really perverse. This is a crude reminder that however well things have been going this month, the beast of evil is within me and it's going to take more than a month, or three, or a year, or perhaps beyond, to really set things right. But I'm ready. I don't think I've ever been this ready. The good life starts now, and in fact, it's been going on ever since this journal got started--it just keeps getting better.

Not every day is easy though, I do feel fatigue and motivation wavering at times, but overall things are less hard, less cumbersome, I feel better about life and I think less things that start somewhere in the far future and more about what I can do today to pursue my projects and goals.

Glad to read that you are fighting your demons wolfman. Some days for me are rough, but i know harmful this is. You are doing an awesome job. Looking forward to reading more about your victories (each day it is)

 

[Pra]

In my experience, blue balls pain isn't as simple as it's made out to be. Some of the worst blue balls I've had happened AFTER masturbating, so masturbating isn't the miracle cure for it lol, contrary to popular belief.

 

[Wolfman]

Long time since last update, but there's been a lot going on.

I went for a hike with a friend for three days. I wished I could take a longer break but work prevents me from doing that right now. After that, I've just been seeing people, working a lot, the whole thing has just been a happy torrent of stuff to do.

Yesterday I felt the drain though. Suddenly, my motivation for everything seemed to be slipping. I slouched in front of the laptop, drank wine and just watched stuff on youtube, feeling super lazy and groggy. I felt a certain meaninglessness with regards to my projects; I work so hard and what's the reward if suddenly poof, it all feels so meaningless.

But what is this feeling? Where does it come from? Is it a sign of fatigue or something else?

I ended that day the same way I've been ending every day for the past 54 days - with a prayer. I stopped everyhing, turned off everything, just got to my knees, did my gestures and recited some verses (which I utterly struggled with at first, needed to look down at the phone for the words, but now it goes fully automatic), and then started just talking about my woes, what I think is going on and asking for help. And through this process, I began to see and realize that this feeling of fatigue and meaninglessness had nothing to it; I took its "voice" seriously and I contemplated it, but there was nothing there to substantiate it. Instead, my mind turned to what I have actually been doing, what I have been building, both outside and inside myself, what the structures and activities I have been establishing, forging my own path, making my own necessity on things. This gave me solace and support; the fact I'm doing and achieving things (some small, others large and still on-going). These are the good things, but they are difficult and challenging, and that's why I know I cannot do it alone, I cannot do it by my own strength alone - that I need the courage and strength of something deeper. Because I was praying, for me this is the divine within humanity, or God as humanity, but I think you could just as well call it what Universal Man calls "coming from a place of identity". Who do you want to be? Who are you now? Why are you not who you want to be, and how can you take steps to achieve it? These are questions that only you can answer yourself, and so they are questions that have no final answer because you are the final answer in your lived existence. They are therefore naturally creative questions, and as creative, they speak to the need, I think, within us as human beings to express ourselves as the unique person we are. In other words, the creative questions elicit the creativity within us, becaues we have to be creative with regards to our lives and our activities, since no pre-defined form, pattern or template can speak for us completely--only we ourselves can. (I'm feeling uplifted just writing this!)

Yesterday on a messaging app I got a notification of a contact I had previously deleted had joined the app (funny how you try to get rid of old things, they still stick around somewhere). This was one of those more liscentious contacts I used to have, and for a moment I looked at her profile picture, feeling a slight burning sensation arising. I clicked away, thought how this is not part of my new path, and returned to the app to delete her. Don't need this, don't want it; the feeling may protest and say otherwise, but that just means I have much more work to do - which is good, it means I have more transformation potential! (Rebooters, transform and roll out!)

NO PMO 54 days. (Wuhu, past 50 days without much thinking about PMO, let's keep it going and hit 60!) Thanks for checking in, people!

 

[Wolfman]

The rest of the day of my last post actually went worse. I felt my mood plummet, I felt really lazy, and I was having some beer, then wine. A friend was having a party but I really wasn't feeling it--I didn't want to see any people (and most people there wouldn't be very many I knew well from before). I guess a mixture of being drained, lazy and socially anxious or just wanting to be alone. So I decided to take a bath, which is something I hadn't done in years. So there I was, loading the tub with water, putting my glass of wine on the closed toilet seat and selecting a historical podcast. The water was a tad too hot, but overall it felt really relaxing. Unfortunately, I wasn't entirely home alone as a roommate was in the apartment, so I didn't feel like I could just be entirely by myself. But after the bath I just laid down on the floor of my room, kept drinking and listening to the podcast. I felt like lazy like shit, but okay I thought, I needed some kind of complete day off. I brought my phone with me to bed and continued listening to the podcast--and next I opened my eyes it was day, my nightlamp was on and the phone was right next to me. Evidently, I had dozed off. That rarely happens, but it was a funny experience.

On this day I had regained my motivation and I set to my tasks. I'm in the process of moving, so a lot of extra stress and work. But Saturday was fine, and so was the day after. I thought about how one's energy and motivation can just revert into the "dark side", and I think that there's got to be days like that. My strategy is to just push myself, no matter what and take the pain whenever it comes. If my body decided enough was enough, like on Friday, then fine--I won't fight if I have no means to fight with! There will just be these days on the "dark side", but I think it's important not to conflate one's "days of light" with these. I used to think that I always need to take care to have an appropriate amount of downtime, of making space for when the drain, the laziness, the bad moods hit--but why do that? It's like you're preparing for defeat, preparing to be less than the best of yourself. I'm not doing that. In my mind, every day is a day of light, of motivation, high energy and where I cultivate myself, learn something, develop, whether that's physically, mentally or spiritually. Everyday there is something, however small, and that is a victory of being.

I'm not "balancing my books" (pre-emptively making room for sorrow, depression, weariness, lazyness, what have you) because life has no time or patience paying for liabilities that don't exist.

This is not to deny that shit happens; they do, and I just wrote about it. But I don't plan on it. My view is that life has never been as good as it is now (despite crippling student debt, lack of long-term relationship, and god knows what else's hiding in the psychological cupboard under the stairs), because I've never been this wise, this motivated and this energetic on turning my life around. I used to think that things have to start next year; in a few months; when I finish studies; when I do X Y Z or after A B C; but no. It starts now. I try to plan right now my future horizons. What I can do now. Self-awareness isn't something out there or in the future, but it's here in the present. There is no other way for it to be.

As I'm writing all this, I had to say goodbye to the girl I've been dating for the past month and a half. It was painful after we parted and I felt my heart being pulled downwards by a million strings. A gravity of stone wore down my mind. This just serves to remind me what an awesome experience I have had through this person and if it wasn't painful, it wouldn't have been good. Rationally, I appreciate the wonderful opportunity. But the heart has a lag, a delay, when it comes to knowing these things. Though perhaps, while it may look like "lag" to the rapid self-conscious mind, it may be the "mind" of deep time. In other words, the heart keeps a scoreboard of longer duration--not just any old game, but the game. The only one in town. The only one that matters. The game of your life.

It is hard, and it may get harder, but I will be there every moment of it. With love.

Thanks for checking in, fellow rebooters.

NO PMO 58 days.

 

[Wolfman]

New country, new neighborhood, new house, new surroundings. Currently, all my new roommates are away and I have the house to myself. I have not been in such extraordinary silence for what seems like forever. And even though I longed for a silence like this, now that I have it, it gives me angst and psychological restlessness. I went out to the park today. There were people around, there was noise, there was the warm sun, and I felt much more at peace here and able to focus on my reading than completely by myself in the living room. Odd.

Perhaps I just need to be in surroundings where there are people? I feel the need for life.

In these circumstances I feel the old hydra rearing its head, even if its only shadows. I haven't felt a real urge or appetitie to do anything with pornography, or even chase any sort of sensuous gratification. What I have done is to go on a bit of a frenzy on dating apps, and though there are many women there who are pretty, even quite physically alluring, I find myself not so much interested in their physique as much as what they write about themselves. I'm actively thinkng of who I could make a real connection with, and it's definetly not these girls who put out lucious photos of themselves but write nothing of substance in their profile. I'm not judging here--people are in different phases of their lives and have different interests, and should be free to pursue what they want at will. I speak here only of my own view, and my own view particularly in contrast to my view 5-6 years ago when a certain physical beauty was paramount whereas now other factors (and many more) are growing in importance. Who knows, maybe pornograpy liberation taught me it's good to have standards?

As I realize that what I'm looking for is a real connection, I know the chances of that are slight on these apps, and even so, it won't be a magic fix or even something that may occur anytime soon. I should focus on real social interaction where I can get it and keep the dating apps more in the background. Even so, even with my "binge", I have not looked at anything pornographic and I haven't masturbated. In sum: Bit stormy weather on the inside but the ark is holding steady.

Thanks for reading, people.

NO MO / PMO 63 days.

 

[Phineas 808]

Hi Wolfman,

I found that to be a major driver of mine was the need for emotional connection. This is natural to have, of course, but may be hijacked by the lower brain's demand and dependency for dopamine. But you deserve dopamine when real connection is made between you and another human being.

The dating apps highlights both of these needs (the legitimate need for human connection and the illegitimate need for dopamine hits). Something to be vigilant about, which sounds like you are.

Not feeling comfortable enough to enjoy your reading in your new home may be because it may not 'feel' like home yet? Again, being more comfortable in the park around people is another indication of this need for emotional or human connection.

Porn distorts and abstracts our view of women to where we see them as physical attributes only (or mostly). Breaking this dependency will refocus onto their so many other qualities...! Physical beauty is still important to us guys, but we begin to open up to their deeper and more mysterious qualities on ever deepening levels.

This is something I've found out about porn, it's anti-mystery. This is why many who are 'mystical', or appreciate the mystery that life is, find themselves sucked into the 'whore' called pornography. It promises mystery, mystique, but then strips us of all dignity and hope to appreciate life with its true unfoldment.

Be well, brother.

 

[Wolfman]

Long time since last update, but I have literally been drowning in work. It will likely stay at this intensity for another month, until the completion of a project. But once that occurs, things should relax a bit.

Things have not been easy the past week. I got chatting with a girl and there were intimations of a hookup, which had me really fired up. I had difficulty sleeping that night and my mind didn't relax until a full day after. Nothing materialized, but that didn't keep me from frantically checking the app. Then this desire had me thinking about other dimensions. While I wouldn't mind an adventure, I don't want to confuse it with seeking a real connection or true safety, but it seems my emotions make that connection by themselves. And so I started feeling more desperate and lonely, and my mind closed in on itself, on this dependence. I began looking at ads, then sexualized content and then pornographic pictures. It's really like dominos falling over one another. But despite my frantic and distressed mind, I didn't masturbate at all, and I didn't expressly look up pornography. Yesterday I started getting a real sense of self and what was going on and got some core motivation back. I was just caught in the fear and the mentality of scarcity, but that is just so untrue; I still exercise, I still pray and I'm working hard as shit to get ahead in life. It may feel like emptiness because so little of myself is reflected in what is around me, but that doesn't mean I'm not shining.

I read one of Phineas' recent posts (https://forum.rebootnation.org/index.php?threads/19393/page-21#post-219440) and his ranking got me thinking about barriers. While I didn't MO or PMO during the past week of fear, I was still caught in its grips much too close for comfort. It's better to be pro-active and start seeing things as problems before they become problems and react appropriately (Phineas talks about probationary periods). I find it hard to figure out measures right now as I'm pretty much doing everything I can practically speaking, but perhaps the first line of defense is to pause and have a proper think or self-talk about what it is I genuinely want. I know pornography, as I have been approaching it, promises safety, relief, etc. but does not give it; and when I am able to think like this clearly, it loses its power. But the issue is not just something mental, but also practical. I recently had the idea that maybe I need now to find new communities, new socities, new bands of friends.

I watched one of Queppet's new videos (

) which got me thinking about development and rewards. It is also something of a tactic of mine to turn to Queppet whenever I feel a lot of fear, loss of control and anxiety.

Thanks Phineas for your comments! I really vlue you taking the time to stop by and give your thoughts. I find this term "anti-mystery" to be really useful, and I will definetly think about it in terms of my situation. I'll try to give a fuller response when I have more energy (as it's about bedtime here after a long day and I can feel my mind shutting down...).

80 days NO PMO / MO.

 

[Wolfman]

I went out today and hooked up with a stranger. It was horrendous. I don't understand why I keep putting myself into these situations. As I was walking away after the meet up I felt choked with disgust, shame, guilt and failure. But there was also voices of praise and comfort: I did not submit to pornnography, I did not masturbate. I got the sense that the desire was so powerful I could not have done anything this time around, but that I didn't let it drive me down to the abyssal depths. The situation was not ideal, but neither was it as bad as it could've been. A window of time has opened up now where I can do preventive measures. I feel that once one is in that space of intense desire it becomes like a countdown till something bad happens. It all becomes about damage control at that point.

I reached out to a friend and told about my shitty day (not in detail) and this friend was very responsive. Unfortunately, we are seperated by countries, so I cannot see this friend in person or on a regular basis. Still, it was very comforting.

I already have plans on what to do. I will get myself a bike and I'll get a gym membership. This will allow me some freedom of movement and be among people working out. I think this will help, but I will need some additional community from somewhere. But these plans did not materialize in time to stem the onslaught of my desire. I think one needs to be pro-active to regulate these things because the moment itself just is too strong, too easy, too seductive.

So, I wanted to get into more detail of @Phineas 808 post:

I found that to be a major driver of mine was the need for emotional connection. This is natural to have, of course, but may be hijacked by the lower brain's demand and dependency for dopamine. But you deserve dopamine when real connection is made between you and another human being.

Absolutely agree. I think this is the source of my issues and the reason why my mind keeps confusing adventure for emotional connection. But it's just one of those things one cannot fix directly, but one has to make oneself available.

The dating apps highlights both of these needs (the legitimate need for human connection and the illegitimate need for dopamine hits). Something to be vigilant about, which sounds like you are.

Not enough. In fact, I've gone on something of a binge on these things for the past week. It's really not healthy. It makes me feel like I'm waiting for something to happen, but that I think is exactly the wrong perspective to have. One shouldn't wait for things to happen to one's life, but be out there making the life one wants to have. I may delete them all just to force myself into taking a rest.

Porn distorts and abstracts our view of women to where we see them as physical attributes only (or mostly). Breaking this dependency will refocus onto their so many other qualities...! Physical beauty is still important to us guys, but we begin to open up to their deeper and more mysterious qualities on ever deepening levels.

This is something I've found out about porn, it's anti-mystery. This is why many who are 'mystical', or appreciate the mystery that life is, find themselves sucked into the 'whore' called pornography. It promises mystery, mystique, but then strips us of all dignity and hope to appreciate life with its true unfoldment.

Indeed, porn distorts our view of women and distorts us in turn. Just as women become mere means to fulfill a desire, we become mere means for the fulfillment of desire--tools for self-gratification. Both "parties" suffer in this exchange. But how to break this cycle? There are currently no women in my life, and the dating apps are proving very unlikely, so what is one to do?

Perhaps one can seek mystery in other ways. Find oneself in a field on a sunny afternoon. Be on a journey somewhere. I believe these things are in the end about us, what we take as ultimate concern and how we carry ourselves in the everyday. What do you (and others) think?

 

[Orbiter]

Wolfman,

I've talked about this a bit before, but I do believe being able to articulate and healthily address the need for connection is something that all of us as addicts need to learn for us to live without all of this junk.

It is sometimes said that co-dependency or an over dependency on connection with others often comes from a disconnect with ourselves that we fail to understand or find a healthy way to address. Perhaps due to certain false self-beliefs or perceptions, we fail to understand this or simply choose not to, and get trapped in the cycle of trying (and inevitably failing) to find this by using other people or substitutes (PMO?) to fill that void.

So here's my thought. If the apps are dead ends and hooking up is leaving you feeling empty & awful (this is a presumption as I noticed you didn't say what exactly bothered you so much about the hook up) how about taking some time away from them to step back and re-connect with yourself?

Perhaps you could make this next week the 'Week of the Wolfman'. Fill your time with activities & pursuits that are meaningful to you. As I know you are not bound by the same Covid restrictions I am, plan some day trips to a place you've never been, stop anywhere interesting along the way, explore, be somewhere new & unfamiliar. Make time to lose yourself in your interests & passions. If you don't have any or can't engage with them, try something new, something you've always wanted to do but put off for awhile. Exercise, meditate etc.

Then after a week or so of this. Check back with yourself and, if you feel ready, pick up where you left off with the dating/app stuff.

Keep up the great work Wolfman! Stay focused & be good to yourself.

 

[Wolfman]

Relapse.

Not directly, but in my heart at the end of the day I knew I had crossed the threshold. I had decided to take the day off and when I was reading something for my own pleasure, the "stranger" (with its seductive chant) prompted me, just like that, out of nowhere. Long story short, I ended up looking at ads and then short pornography clips for hours. It was a real battle to stave it off. I ended up deciding to masturbate having a bath but without any images or anything (but the fire from having watched so much certainly was coursing through me).

---

The first voice that came to me was that I had failed, and that I had been failing for the past weeks, that I was going downhill. That when I believing things were going better they were actually headed for the worse. There was a sense that I had deserved this, that I deserved to crash and that I actually was no better than this.

Then came the second voice. The rebellious voice: things were not getting worse, I have had a few setbacks but on the whole I was doing better! Better - not perfect! And all that was not to waste; it is not wasted, for as long as I persist. You either change in the other's terms or you change on your own.

Sometime later a third voice announced itself. I have been working relentlessly for the past weeks, and I just don't have a good mechanism to ease this intensity. The relapse happened exactly as I tried to calm down from work; when I'm fully in work-mode there is (usually) no real issue. Deeper change will no doubt still be needed. I need to harness a stronger power still--find my power in the world.

I don't see what happened yesterday as a failure, but a communication that there is still more work to do on myself. The system for the past 13 weeks has worked comparatively well--damn well, in fact--but now I get the chance to learn, reflect and tweak it further. This relapse is an opportunity for even more growth and development. So I already started going to the gym and to the swimming pool, I try to keep minimum 2 sessions a week but ideally I want 3. I have then the physical stuff down. What I need more of, however, is the social stuff, or perhaps also something new.

Something else that's been bugging my mind over the past several weeks is that working this hard doesn't make me directly happy (classic, I know). What I mean is that I do enjoy most of the time the work, keeping busy, etc. But then there are moments where I go like "oofff, what is all this for? At the end of the day, I always return alone. Nothing I do is for anyone other than myself. But I am also nothing for anyone else." This last cannot be true, because my closest friends are not nothing to me, and so, being a proper friendship, I cannot be less than nothing for them. This thought is just plain false. Be that as it may, perhaps it genuinely expresses my emotional self?

@Orbiter Thanks for your thoughts dude! I agree completely with what you say, and I deleted the apps this morning. Unfortunately, there is just no way I can take a week off (I'm at the end of my degree here). At best, I can take a day off, which is what I tried to do yesterday (and we see what happened...). It's weird, it's like I'm stuck in a work-spiral, but I'm unable to find anything else for myself or relax quietly for a single day without getting "ambushed".

 

[forceisstrong2]

Hey Wolfman,

What you said in your previous post about "growth and development" is exactly right.

I saw this video today in which legendary Italian goalskeeper Gigi Buffon talks openly about his battle against depression. it is one of the greatest videos about recovery, growth, development that I've ever seen. I thought I'd share.