Triggered once again....

Hi,
I haven't posted here in awhile, but I am the wife of a recovering PA. I discovered the signs earlier this year and apparently it had been increasing over the past decade. (we've been married over four decades). Before discovery and confrontation, my husband believed "what she doesn't know won't hurt her". That is a huge lie!!! I had suspicions, even quietly wondering if I was the problem, etc. When it all hit the fan, what bothered me the most was the deceit!! He went to great lengths to coverup, erasing history, etc. Trust was shattered at that point. I began checking his history on computer, tv, and phone obsessively. He seemed to understand. We agreed that he would no longer erase his search histories on any device/equipment. When I discovered, I happen to just have returned from an extended trip (helping our daughter with a broken ankle and two preschoolers to care for). So, one of my triggers is coming home from being gone somewhere. (although he did it even when I was home, I just happened to figure it out after having been gone, so it is now a trigger for me). In addition, since he isn't that technologically savvy but went to great extent to erase histories, etc, that is another trigger for me.
Fast forward to this week. I just returned from a week away volunteering with Red Cross Disaster Mental Health. We talked everyday while I was away, and a few nights before my return he told me that he was searching for the San Francisco game (important game to us Seahawks fans) and while typing in the search, SF porn popped up. He told me he didn't go there (I believe him), and quickly erased the history. This is where my trigger point flared up. Kudos to him for not going there, but why did he automatically erase the history?? He had promised he would not do that anymore! Immediately, it made me wonder what else he may have erased and NOT told me about. I have been home for a few days and everytime I remember that he erased that history, it takes me back to that place of discovery again, and I am crying my eyes out again. I want to believe he is on his way to healing and that this wasn't a setback, but for me it was a setback. He is erasing history again. Has anyone else experienced this type of thing? What are others' experiences with triggers and how you or your spouse handled them? I'd love to hear both sides of this. I know I am deep in my own stuff, but he is the one who caused this in the first place. He wants to "move on", but I am still stuck with this. I believe he is in a much better place than just a few months ago, but this is such a slippery slope. Thanks for listening......
 
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