EclipsedWolves
New Member
I met my boyfriend back in May on a dating app, and pretty much immediately he was open and honest about being a porn addict. He has gone through a residential 12-step recovery program and regularly attends meetings, as well as stays in fairly constant contact with his sponsor. He is definitely committed to recovering, though he has yet to attain sobriety for more than a few months, and continues to struggle with that.
A large issue in our relationship is that his dating life up until now has consisted of online chatting, long distance relationships, and very little in-person, real life connection. He has not had actual sex very much, nor managed to maintain a relationship for more than a few months. We started our relationship in a similar manner, as we live 2.5 hours away from each other, and the first few months of "dating" was us texting daily and meeting up maybe once a month for dinner and a walk around a local park wherever we met up. We did not get intimate in person until about 3 months in (the first time he came over to my house) but we had had some explicit messages before that. He was very gentlemanly about everything, made sure that I was comfortable with the pace we were taking, and was overall very sweet and caring about everything. We make sure to meet up as often as we can, but with differing work schedules and the distance we're lucky if we get to meet up every other week most of the time. He generally comes to me and spends the nights on his days off, and we have a fantastic time going on dates, cuddling with TV shows, have great sex, and just in general enjoy spending the time together. Because of his previous online dating norm, he recently admitted to me that it does not bother him when we go long periods without seeing each other (sometimes as much as a month) but he has affirmed that it is definitely NOT him not wanting to see me, just that he isn't accustomed to seeing his SO on a regular. We do continue to text daily and call on the phone almost every single night when work/sleep schedules allow.
He is incredibly supportive of me and my struggles (I have anxiety, PTSD, and other issues from previous relationships that I am actively recovering from) and we communicate on a very deep, raw level for the most part. We are able to share feelings and thoughts that we have, even when they are painful, and I wholly value our relationship. I wish to understand his struggles with his addiction, and to support him to the best of my abilities, and to be able to cope with the various ways it affects our relationship, particularly the sexual aspect.
Besides the part that I already explained where he does not seem to mind not seeing me or talking to me, and sometimes I feel that he does not miss me (he has said this is not true, but I am sure that you all understand how that can feel that way), last night he dropped a bit of a bomb on me. The whole time that we have been together he has never been able to orgasm when we have sex, and he always has to finish himself at the end with his own hand. It usually involves his eyes being shut and me lying there, and when I ask how I can help he does not have a response for me. He led me to believe that he greatly enjoyed sex with me, but struggled to orgasm, so I would let him finish himself to avoid frustration. It turns out that when we have sex that he has dulled sensitivity and feels little to nothing, and does not build at all, and that is why he cannot orgasm. He has no issue getting aroused or hard for me, so I have no doubts that he is actually attracted to me (which he affirms constantly), but he just cannot "feel" it when we have sex. So at the end he closes his eyes and envisions pornographic things to help himself attain orgasm. So while he has not watched actual porn in many months, he is still using it in an addictive manner, and this conversation led to him calling his sponsor and coming clean, and they decided to reset his sobriety date because of that. I am struggling very hard with the idea that he does not feel sex with me, and that is why he cannot orgasm for me, and that concept that I do not make him feel good as he has always blown my mind during sex. He stays rock hard the whole time, so I never doubted that he was enjoying himself, but now I am not sure what to think. He says that he does enjoy sex for the mental stimulation and the intimate connection that we feel during it, and that it is not at all that he is not attracted to me, or does not want me.
I found this forum today and I could really use support and advice, on how I can best support and help him through his recovery, strengthen our relationship, and maintain my own sanity and stability. I already struggle with trust issues from my past, and realizing that he was not honest about how us having sex was for him over all these months has me seriously questioning things that I do not wish to question.
Thank you so much!
A large issue in our relationship is that his dating life up until now has consisted of online chatting, long distance relationships, and very little in-person, real life connection. He has not had actual sex very much, nor managed to maintain a relationship for more than a few months. We started our relationship in a similar manner, as we live 2.5 hours away from each other, and the first few months of "dating" was us texting daily and meeting up maybe once a month for dinner and a walk around a local park wherever we met up. We did not get intimate in person until about 3 months in (the first time he came over to my house) but we had had some explicit messages before that. He was very gentlemanly about everything, made sure that I was comfortable with the pace we were taking, and was overall very sweet and caring about everything. We make sure to meet up as often as we can, but with differing work schedules and the distance we're lucky if we get to meet up every other week most of the time. He generally comes to me and spends the nights on his days off, and we have a fantastic time going on dates, cuddling with TV shows, have great sex, and just in general enjoy spending the time together. Because of his previous online dating norm, he recently admitted to me that it does not bother him when we go long periods without seeing each other (sometimes as much as a month) but he has affirmed that it is definitely NOT him not wanting to see me, just that he isn't accustomed to seeing his SO on a regular. We do continue to text daily and call on the phone almost every single night when work/sleep schedules allow.
He is incredibly supportive of me and my struggles (I have anxiety, PTSD, and other issues from previous relationships that I am actively recovering from) and we communicate on a very deep, raw level for the most part. We are able to share feelings and thoughts that we have, even when they are painful, and I wholly value our relationship. I wish to understand his struggles with his addiction, and to support him to the best of my abilities, and to be able to cope with the various ways it affects our relationship, particularly the sexual aspect.
Besides the part that I already explained where he does not seem to mind not seeing me or talking to me, and sometimes I feel that he does not miss me (he has said this is not true, but I am sure that you all understand how that can feel that way), last night he dropped a bit of a bomb on me. The whole time that we have been together he has never been able to orgasm when we have sex, and he always has to finish himself at the end with his own hand. It usually involves his eyes being shut and me lying there, and when I ask how I can help he does not have a response for me. He led me to believe that he greatly enjoyed sex with me, but struggled to orgasm, so I would let him finish himself to avoid frustration. It turns out that when we have sex that he has dulled sensitivity and feels little to nothing, and does not build at all, and that is why he cannot orgasm. He has no issue getting aroused or hard for me, so I have no doubts that he is actually attracted to me (which he affirms constantly), but he just cannot "feel" it when we have sex. So at the end he closes his eyes and envisions pornographic things to help himself attain orgasm. So while he has not watched actual porn in many months, he is still using it in an addictive manner, and this conversation led to him calling his sponsor and coming clean, and they decided to reset his sobriety date because of that. I am struggling very hard with the idea that he does not feel sex with me, and that is why he cannot orgasm for me, and that concept that I do not make him feel good as he has always blown my mind during sex. He stays rock hard the whole time, so I never doubted that he was enjoying himself, but now I am not sure what to think. He says that he does enjoy sex for the mental stimulation and the intimate connection that we feel during it, and that it is not at all that he is not attracted to me, or does not want me.
I found this forum today and I could really use support and advice, on how I can best support and help him through his recovery, strengthen our relationship, and maintain my own sanity and stability. I already struggle with trust issues from my past, and realizing that he was not honest about how us having sex was for him over all these months has me seriously questioning things that I do not wish to question.
Thank you so much!
