First time posting here. Want to get rid of this. I heard support helps.

[k-fff]

Day 14
MO'ed last night again couldn't sleep due to stress from my job. I don't like that habit, but it is much better than going after p. I don't have any chaser effect for it. I am likely quitting my job. Things have become incredibly toxic here and the person I am arguing with has more power than me. It doesn't help that now in China there has been a huge rise in anti-foreigner sentiment. I complained quite publicly about lazy TA I have who is very entitled to the point where she will do whatever she wants in my class. This wouldn't necessarily be a problem if she didn't complain to my head boss about my class and also, simultaneously try to give me work while doing very little herself. This kind of thing is common here, but she is one of the more toxic cases. I definitely made it worse by complaining about her publicly which was a bad move, but it was the angriest I have been in a very long time. I don't really feel an urge to use p or anything like that I keep possible triggers down to a minimum so urges are not really present. I cannot emphasize enough how frustrating and tiring this last month has been.

 

[k-fff]

Day 16
Anhedonia has let up some. This is usually the time where I am more vulnerable to urges. I don't know if I was in a flatline the last two weeks, but I can definitely feel a rise in urges again. Day 20 was the big problem day for me last time. I just need to be mindful about avoiding all super-stimulus and keep myself away from my computer and phone for the next two weeks. Which if I am being honest, that is gonna be quite hard for me to reduce the consumption. It is mainly because of being sick which I finally figured out what is wrong. I have a sinus infection that keeps dropping phlegm into my throat causing me to cough. It also explains why it took forever to go away. I know it is gross.

 

[Do or die]

Day 16 is great success. Remember that always handle your urges perfectly by doing meditation or exercise.

 

[k-fff]

Thanks, do or die.
Probably had one of their harder emotional hits that I have had in a long time. Has to do with my ex now dating someone. Technically, I knew this was gonna happen and I never made the first move to initiate it so she wanted to move on. I don't like that I didn't just tell her I would be with someone else so she and I could move on, but I instead left that to her which I feel is wrong at this point. I guess I didn't want to let her go, but honestly, it is better this way. I am not feeling like relapsing or anything like that. I just want to completely move on and now in my heart and my mind I feel that I don't want her anymore i can move on finally.

 

[k-fff]

Day 17
MO'ed twice last night. I was so stressed out and I couldn't sleep. This habit is not connected to PMO because I came to p years after a lot of mo. I still don't want to do it this much for obvious reasons, but this is the best thing I can do to keep away sane and away from p. I only say that because I really don't have a lot of self control at the moment. I hope things get better, but just bad thing after bad thing is happening.

 

[Jeks]

Day 17
I still don't want to do it this much for obvious reasons, but this is the best thing I can do to keep away sane and away from p. I only say that because I really don't have a lot of self control at the moment. I hope things get better, but just bad thing after bad thing is happening.

I had the exact same experience. For myself i think it would not have been possible to quit P without M.
Still you have to be extra careful with it.
With your ex: i really hope for you you are feeling that way, but even if not: take it as another reason for why you have to quit P right now. No other relationship is supposed to get destroyed or minimized due to P. Its not even closely worth it.

The last weeks you sometimes talked about how you are feeling without any direction and often uninspired for life. In that context i found out for myself that at the moment i feel much more engaged in life when i just try shooting for feeling just better, instead of having like a whole bunch of plans which my mind currently isnt really able to buy into. Just imagine you would just feel a little better overall and if everything would just go a little smoother. Thats something which just hits me personally deeper right now, because i can really buy into that.
Just wanted to left that here. Maybe that can help you in some way.
You are doing good man. Wish you the best.

 

[k-fff]

Day 17
I still don't want to do it this much for obvious reasons, but this is the best thing I can do to keep away sane and away from p. I only say that because I really don't have a lot of self control at the moment. I hope things get better, but just bad thing after bad thing is happening.

I had the exact same experience. For myself i think it would not have been possible to quit P without M.
Still you have to be extra careful with it.
With your ex: i really hope for you you are feeling that way, but even if not: take it as another reason for why you have to quit P right now. No other relationship is supposed to get destroyed or minimized due to P. Its not even closely worth it.

The last weeks you sometimes talked about how you are feeling without any direction and often uninspired for life. In that context i found out for myself that at the moment i feel much more engaged in life when i just try shooting for feeling just better, instead of having like a whole bunch of plans which my mind currently isnt really able to buy into. Just imagine you would just feel a little better overall and if everything would just go a little smoother. Thats something which just hits me personally deeper right now, because i can really buy into that.
Just wanted to left that here. Maybe that can help you in some way.
You are doing good man. Wish you the best.

Yea, I can really identify with that. When it comes to my ex, it hurts so much because I let p destroy the relationship, but I know now I am on the right track to quitting p. What keeps me going right now is knowing I am actively improving my life by cutting this stuff. I don't have a life plan because in a way she was my life plan and so much of what I did was centered around having a future with her. But I have a lot of things I love to do and that I am good at so I have been doing my best to focus on those.

 

[k-fff]

Day 18
I am really unhappy now. I am full of regret over my past relationship and even though, I know it is better that she moved on; I still wish things were different. I wish I did things differently. I am still sick which is leading the depression further. I don't really care about p now which is nice, but happiness is definitely out of the question at the moment. I expect this to continue for the duration of my reboot at the very least severe bouts of it. I wish I kept other streaks going in the past. At the end of the day, it is about the reduction of super-stimulus. The days only matter as long as you're starving that part of your brain that wants that super stimulus. I need tighten up my defenses though I get an urge the other day from an anime website. I should cut that website out I can't have exceptions. The reality is anything remotely triggering is the issue. There isn't much to say. I am trying to overcome my dilentteism at piano so I can consistently perform and improving at that is the only thing that has been hopeful for me. Relationships are a mess. I am gutted emotionally and even if there is a girl I am interested in, I have a tendency just to cut them out instead of putting in the work to form a new relationship. All I want now is to play improve my piano skill to a much higher level.

 

[k-fff]

Day 19
Still depressed and pretty hopeless. The only thing keeping me going is working hard at piano so I can leave my job. Performing here, you can actually make money consistently and it is nothing like the U.S. where you are basically broke if you are a musician. I have written several songs, but in terms of my technique I feel I am very far behind a lot of people and I should be much better than I am. I hope practicing in between 1-3 hours a day changes that. Right now, I have to learn a bunch of pop songs because that is what these people like even though I hate that music with a burning passion, playing it is better than what my current work is which constantly gets my sick and is constantly at the whim of nonsense. I don't really care about the social status the comes along with playing music; it more has to do with the overall lack of stress compared to what I am currently doing. Playing piano is entirely under my control whereas teaching is heavily reliant on students and other factors that make the job incredibly obnoxious to deal with. At the end of the day, I realize I was probably still in love with my ex; it doesn't matter now though because I hope her relationship works out --ours was too damaged and we both did a lot of things wrong. I am not so depressed about that just feeling like I lost something.

 

[AStansfield]

I know the feeling. I split with my ex a year and a half ago - it ended very badly and I definitely made some mistakes.

But at the end of the day - you have to forgive yourself. If you don't love yourself first and everything you do then you will never be able to truly love another person.

Do I still love my ex? Yes. She impacted my life in a way few will over its course. Is it wrong to be depressed about it? After awhile, yes. You are doing yourself a disservice by dwelling on the past. You'll find someone else. I know it sounds like "what everyone always says" but it is the truth. If you found someone before, there is no reason you won't find someone again.

 

[Phineas 808]

Yes, never lose sight of hope!

You're building a better version of yourself, and regret for the past can only hinder your progress.

These negative emotions, understandable as they may be, can only create a toxic environment for yourself that won't serve you too well...

Understand yourself, forgive yourself as AStansfield said, and give yourself the gift of a second (or third, fourth) chance!

 

[k-fff]

Phineas808 and Astanfield, thanks for the responses and encouragement, I appreciate it.
Day 20
Still unhappy, but I am grinding through. I just want to get over these piano technique hurdles.

 

[k-fff]

Day 21
Libido kicked in hard last night. I am feeling okay though. I don't have any urges at the moment. Only thing I want is to improve my piano skill; everything else is secondary.

Edit:
I am feeling enormously lonely right now. This always hits hard like this for me around the third week. I think it probably will get really bad during my second month and that is also what lead to into a relapse in the past. I hate feeling incapable of getting what I want especially in regards to women and that is exactly how I feel even though it has been a year since me and my ex technically broke up(still sleeping together on and off). I think the relationship destroyed my confidence in some ways; it also doesn't help that I just feel completely empty and devoid of happiness for the past two weeks. I can't say I expect anything to improve myself for awhile in terms of the emotional area. I am happy that I no longer am using p. I am really happy I am not doing that; it has fucked with my head so much and now I am feeling the weight of emotions that I numbed through a constant supply of dopamine. I suspect after my 3rd month off p that I will still be depressed. I say that only because 3 years of numbed emotions is gonna come slamming back into me. I don't expect to get what I want out of relationships anymore and all I can say is I just want to improve my skill at the things I love because I doubt I am gonna fall in love with anybody else;  I know this is really negative but women that I saw a future with are now all entered into long term relationships or married and I am left here alone. It makes me feel doomed in a sense and I don't think this feeling will let up.

 

[k-fff]

Day 22
I got triggered hard by a streaming website I use today. Ads and also popups of porn, I closed everything immediately, but I could already feel the gigantic blast of dopamine from that tiny bit. I hate that I just want to watch a goddamn tv show or a movie and I am always having to try to avoid the mine field of this bs. I was literally debating on relapsing for at least 20 minutes there until I just called a friend. Ugh, I feel so bad now even though I didn't relapse or even have a slip. I just don't want anything to hinder my progress. I am tired of being a slave to p and I want to live my life.

 

[Jeks]

You are doing good though. Getting over the urge is s big step. What i have found for myself is that when i was able to get over enough of the big urges, it was starting getting easier, maybe after three months or so... First i got trained in beating the urge and confident in the strategies i used to do that. And secondly there will come a point when the urges are not intensifying anymore, but are staying like you already used to. And since you are already managed to beat down these urges a few times, they dont bother you that much anymore. They can not surprise you anymore like that. From that point on it just becomes a grind to wait until the urges starting to decrease.
I am very certain, that when you get yourself off of porn, you will be having no problem to fall in love again or getting in a relationship you want. If you really want to make sure that you are not alone anymore, best thing to do is staying on that path.

 

[k-fff]

You are doing good though. Getting over the urge is s big step. What i have found for myself is that when i was able to get over enough of the big urges, it was starting getting easier, maybe after three months or so... First i got trained in beating the urge and confident in the strategies i used to do that. And secondly there will come a point when the urges are not intensifying anymore, but are staying like you already used to. And since you are already managed to beat down these urges a few times, they dont bother you that much anymore. They can not surprise you anymore like that. From that point on it just becomes a grind to wait until the urges starting to decrease.
I am very certain, that when you get yourself off of porn, you will be having no problem to fall in love again or getting in a relationship you want. If you really want to make sure that you are not alone anymore, best thing to do is staying on that path.

Thanks, Jeks. I just want to stay away from p and continue to improve. I am just so tired of the horrible effects p has had on everything. I know my second month will be really difficult considering other times my second month was always very hard on me.

 

[Phineas 808]

I got triggered hard by a streaming website I use today. Ads and also popups of porn, I closed everything immediately, but I could already feel the gigantic blast of dopamine from that tiny bit. I hate that I just want to watch a goddamn tv show or a movie and I am always having to try to avoid the mine field of this bs. I was literally debating on relapsing for at least 20 minutes there until I just called a friend. Ugh, I feel so bad now even though I didn't relapse or even have a slip.

That can happen... I doubt that it was necessarily dopamine that 'blasted' you, but probably adrenaline. It was certainly a cue (or trigger) that then caused urges to arise...

Great going, denying your urges though! Closing everything down immediately, denying the gratification of the urges, and calling a friend to distract yourself from it- good job!

You are making progress. If there are other ways of watching your same shows/movies without the risk of getting actual porn pop-up adds, find that out. You don't want that same situation in a moment of weakened resolve. If it's on a computuer, there's add-blockers, or pop-up blockers, especially on Chrome, but I don't know what you're using.

Good work, and stay on guard against going to places online where you can get derailed.

 

[k-fff]

I got triggered hard by a streaming website I use today. Ads and also popups of porn, I closed everything immediately, but I could already feel the gigantic blast of dopamine from that tiny bit. I hate that I just want to watch a goddamn tv show or a movie and I am always having to try to avoid the mine field of this bs. I was literally debating on relapsing for at least 20 minutes there until I just called a friend. Ugh, I feel so bad now even though I didn't relapse or even have a slip.

That can happen... I doubt that it was necessarily dopamine that 'blasted' you, but probably adrenaline. It was certainly a cue (or trigger) that then caused urges to arise...

Great going, denying your urges though! Closing everything down immediately, denying the gratification of the urges, and calling a friend to distract yourself from it- good job!

You are making progress. If there are other ways of watching your same shows/movies without the risk of getting actual porn pop-up adds, find that out. You don't want that same situation in a moment of weakened resolve. If it's on a computuer, there's add-blockers, or pop-up blockers, especially on Chrome, but I don't know what you're using.

Good work, and stay on guard against going to places online where you can get derailed.

Yea, definitely, it is playing with fire if I continue using that website. Hopefully, the ad blockers I have installed will mitigate this issue from occurring in the future.
Day 23

 

[k-fff]

Day 24
before I forget to mention this I mo'ed(without p or anything like that) on day 22 to avoid relapse hours after posting. I then got really busy with other things, particularly getting drunker than I have ever gotten and I am still feeling the effects of the hangover two days after. I have been having a big uptick in urges overall. I had a slip just now with a show; I wasn't expecting it to be as explicit as it was, but it was. I turned it off immediately though. Not as big of a crazy rush like before, but still I want to acknowledge that I wanted to watch that show because my brain was looking for a p replacement of sorts. This is something I need to be mindful of and write on here. Cutting all of that stuff out is the only way to manage this and all I know is I don't want to relapse now. I plan to keep going until p is just a thing other people do. Peeking has always been an issue for me in the past and I need to remind myself it is never just a peek in this case, it was less planned than that, but still. I look forward to making it to 30 days. I think I am gonna need to eventually cut our mo'eing in general if I really want to see deeper results. I actually expect this next month is gonna be extremely hard.

 

[k-fff]

basically peeked. I don't know why I am having urges so bad now. I feel like from the 12th it just has set off a chain reaction of looking for this stuff again. It feels like I am just starting out again. I can't tell if I am making any progress when I feel like this. I guess that is something that I need to come to terms with. I am resetting the counter because of the peek. Even if it was for just like a minute, I am against peeking completely for my reboots. I don't care about the day count just getting over this and not having anymore urges.