First time posting here. Want to get rid of this. I heard support helps.

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
Yes, it was the responding to earlier cues and urges that brought about the stronger urges.

Good on taking a zero tolerance toward peeking. Like yourself, this is the attitude I must maintain. For example, yesterday had several innocent interactions with some very drop-dead georgeous females on FB, relating to (ironically ministry), and later, saw a friend suggestion of a very strong 'trigger' or cue, a kind of woman that was 'tailor made' for me, it seems.

In the past, I would click on that (response to cue), and that would have fed urges, which would (eventually) lead to a lapse for me, a peek, or more. I just kind of had to reframe all of that, and kind of nonjudgementally let it wash off..., dismissing urges.

You got this, k-fff. Believe in your inner power to opt for a better life.

 

k-fff

Active Member
Phineas 808 said:
Yes, it was the responding to earlier cues and urges that brought about the stronger urges.

Good on taking a zero tolerance toward peeking. Like yourself, this is the attitude I must maintain. For example, yesterday had several innocent interactions with some very drop-dead georgeous females on FB, relating to (ironically ministry), and later, saw a friend suggestion of a very strong 'trigger' or cue, a kind of woman that was 'tailor made' for me, it seems.

In the past, I would click on that (response to cue), and that would have fed urges, which would (eventually) lead to a lapse for me, a peek, or more. I just kind of had to reframe all of that, and kind of nonjudgementally let it wash off..., dismissing urges.

You got this, k-fff. Believe in your inner power to opt for a better life.

Thanks Phineas, I just want to shut this behavior down permanently. The counting days for me is only motivational what matters the most is that I am not using p anymore.

Day 1
I can't tell if I am all over the place with urges or I am just horny and I am thinking about sleeping with a coworker. I am not happy about the other day, but moving forward is the only thing to do.

Edit: Now that I am off work, I can write more.
I  am depressed because there have been so many times where I have gotten 20 days or 10 days and I could have pushed through, reset my counter, and cut it off quick. I am now 90% sure p was a big factor in my relationship ending and my own terrible behavior. I love my ex, and I have to let her go; the relationship is too damaged, but I regret not getting this problem under control sooner. I keep thinking back to times where I almost had a month or had a month and I didn't follow through quitting p. It hurts because I know now that it just wreaked havoc on everything. I am super unhappy with the way things went and all of the pain, I put her through and myself through was not necessary. I hope she is happy in her new relationship and she forgets all about me; she deserves it. I really mean that. I am not bitter just full of regret at my own behavior and my own weakness regarding this issue. My ex wasn't perfect by any means, but she tried her best throughout the whole relationship and it is evident to me now that I didn't. I didn't make the sacrifices necessary to conquer this addiction and it depresses me.
 

k-fff

Active Member
I searched several sites opened videos just to close them before anything comes up. Can?t say I feel like I am getting better. This lasted in the span of 5 minutes. Urges were brought on by boredom . I am incredibly depressed now. I miss my ex this feeling is swallowing me up. I feel completely gutted.  I wanted to know how I felt about my ex without p in my life and now I do.
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
Hey k-fff,

I know you're feeling pretty down (understatement), especially about your ex...

But good job on closing the tabs. Don't beat yourself up for what amounted to 5 minutes of denying urges...

This will pass. You will get over this habit, and you will heal from the unfortunate fallout regarding this.

We don't know the future. But the person you'll be in the future, that you can guarantee by changing your habits. The person you are now, and the person you are growing to be will be someone no one in their right mind could walk away from.

Be strong, you're worth the changes you're making.
 

k-fff

Active Member
relapsed 3 days in a row and it was the bad kind of bingeing I used to do. Will post again back here. Certain things need to change with my online habits I think
 

k-fff

Active Member
And thanks Phineas, I think I felt like I wasn't improving at all hence the relapses. But now after relapsing I realize how much better my mindset was overall. Even with the depression over my ex, I was significantly emotionally chaotic than I am now and people around me can tell.
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
You're welcome, k-fff.

It may seem incremental, but yes, you are making strides and changing your life!

Good idea on changing online habits, that's what's been so far a game changer for me...
 

k-fff

Active Member
relapsed. got really sick and had to quarantine. feel awful. relapse wasn't bad not the crazy bingeing like in the past. was hoping to not use the rest of this month. well the next three days is better than nothing.
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
Sorry you're not feeling well, and sorry for the lapse...

Yes, you can finish out this month strong, and enter the New Year with a clean slate.

The fact that you weren't doing the 'crazy binging' as you put it, is a good sign that you're changing your habits!

Let's walk this out together!
 

k-fff

Active Member
Had a mess of p dreams and sexual dreams last night didn't sleep well. It is what it is. Just checking in nothing much to say
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
Just treat anything that even suggests PMO use as 'lower brain junk', trying to get us to get a dopamine hit.

When the content of your dreams actually starts to change, like turning down opportunities to use, than that can be an indicator that your habits are changing, and your on the mend.

Have a great year!
 

k-fff

Active Member
Thanks for the info, Phineas.
I had more sexual dreams, dreams of relapsing, dreams of being caught in the act by loved ones. God, these dreams are just getting worse.
 

k-fff

Active Member
Day 17

had an O yesterday wasn't good. couldn't stay hard without a bj I think it was due to the alcohol at the time. At least, I hope so. Looking at other people's journals who started earlier than me and yet were much more consistent and pushed through makes me feel guilty about my lack of progress. Well, the streaks are getting longer more consistently, but still. I feel like I could have had this under control earlier if I had just made the changes I made recently --earlier. It is a frustrating thing.
 

k-fff

Active Member
Posting Do or die's relapse handling tricks because they have helped me not binge.

Relapse Handling:
1. Remember you are did better, and you can do it again.
2. Always keep in mind that your body is changing and being able live without porn. So 1 or more relapses in reboot journey is common.

3. Never change the day when you started the reboot.
I mean I started from October 19 and till now I relapsed two times. And did 23 and 36 days reboots.
So never change the day when you decided to stop porn.

4. Always be motivated after relapse. Handle your emotions with care. Tell yourself that you can do it again. You have that potential. The person who did reboot till now is you and one relapse never set you back.
 

k-fff

Active Member
Day 24
Got really pissed off today at work. I am such a hothead honestly. Had sex again with the same girl before. I mo'ed two days before twice. I don't like it but sometimes I get so stressed at night.
 

k-fff

Active Member
Day 26

It is a weird feeling that I don't even know why I got so deep into porn to begin with. I know why I wanted to quit; it was literally preventing from living my life. I was not living glued to my computer screen for hours on end. I don't feel any urges maybe I am in a flat-line of a sort. I had sex again yesterday with a coworker. I cannot say morally what I am doing is right considering the situation. I am not happy with my life. Even though, I have savings and there are multiple women I can sleep with. My health is relatively good. I shouldn't even complain at all realistically, but I am always unhappy now. I get angry very quickly and generally speaking, I find myself alienating coworkers though I question how much I care about that considering I think most of these people are terrible. I am happy about one thing. Piano seems to be improving and at the very least, I am learning more songs quicker so I can change job. I hate my job for a variety of reasons. I am hoping that I can appreciate things more, but I am pretty sure this is a severe case of anhedonia. I am also worried about my brains lash back from all the crazy binges I did in the past. I am waiting for some crazy pain or some other overwhelming urges. Right now urges are non-existent as long as I avoid triggers I am fine. So far the only triggers I could have possibly are from streaming websites and I just changed the website. I don't use instagram and on facebook, generally speaking, people don't post things like that thankfully. Youtube could be a trigger considering which is frustrating because I don't have an account and hentai isn't really my thing, but since I have watched anime related content of course occasionally I get recommended something related to that. Porn was destroying everything for me; it was wrecking so much. I don't know how emphasize how badly it damaged relationships with friends and girlfriends. I am waiting for the big slams in awfulness that comes with the horrible edging and bingeing damage. I just want to be ready for it and strong enough to handle it when it comes.
 

k-fff

Active Member
Day 28

Getting bad urges now. My libido is spiking then dying down. I am hoping it calms down the following week, but this might be the norm for awhile. I think from now on I am gonna focus on limiting orgasms as much as possible. I am still unhappy and I am frustrated with piano. I can't tell how much I am improving not having a teacher anymore makes things difficult. I hope doing these exercises increases my speed drastically. At the moment, my playing speed is far too slow. It has improved slightly, but I hate how slow it is right now. I want to change my work and piano is the way I do that. I hate my job and I hate the environment.
 

k-fff

Active Member
I hope so, Chris.

Day 29

Had another O again with the same coworker. I have realized why I had failed with doing a reboot while in a relationship. it should have been more possible to do, but it was because of the stress of the relationship itself and the sex. Every time I have sex, I have a chaser effect for 3 days that is the norm. On the 4th day is when it starts to calm down. I then have urges again at the end of the week, but after I get past those hurdles unless there is a trigger of some kind I am in the clear. I am about to hit 1 month, but I can't say I feel very good. I just feel relatively normal. My emotions are not spiking all over the place, but I expect it will get back to that.
 
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