First time posting here. Want to get rid of this. I heard support helps.

k-fff

Active Member
relapsed hard again after 14 days. one of my worst nightmares came true. i always do better by posting on here.
 
Keep posting here, I hope it will help me as well. I noticed you had a spot of no activity from February. Keep us updated on what you're doing and how you're trying to cut off PMO. Keep it up
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
k-fff, 14 days is pretty good away from that stuff.

Use that as a challenge to go for 15 days, and so on...!

You can do this, you have it in you!
 

k-fff

Active Member
relapsed again today. getting about a week on average then relapse. I spend too much time online and on the computer. I want to try approaching this problem as just cutting down from online in general. Getting stress headaches from use now.
 

k-fff

Active Member
i don't what is wrong with me. urges feel so automatic and it is like i am on autopilot. i feel like the only thing i can do is not be online. it doesn't help i keep getting sick so i cant do much of anything i like. so frustrated.
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Nothing is wrong with you, you've just been feeding on the wrong stuff for a long time- porn. Just take things easy with one conscious thought at a time towards recovery. Set targets, set goals no matter how small. Hit em, move on.

As far as you're not constantly bingeing and being controlled by porn, you're doing great man. Recovery takes time. Just keep moving in the right direction, that's what matters.
 

k-fff

Active Member
getting urges and flashes of wanting to use. I haven't really had a trigger. It is mostly just because I am online. it is a weird feeling. decided to post here instead of following it. I have a tendency to just immediately follow it and I end up edging or something. There is never a point where this is worthwhile and it isn't even something I really want which makes the whole thing even stranger to talk about. I am not particularly horny or anything like that, but still there is some kind of urge. Porn is just so tiring at the end of the day.
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
Being online itself may be the 'trigger'- and hence, the urges. But that you did something different than what your habit has been is a good thing. If you consistently either don't respond at all to urges, or do something different than the bad habits, you'll change this thing. Eventually, even your triggers won't matter, because they'll change, they'll diminish.

Most avoid their triggers at all costs, but the point is to take back power instead of avoidance, then you'll find that you're free from this thing!
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Most avoid their triggers at all costs, but the point is to take back power instead of avoidance, then you'll find that you're free from this thing!
I really agree with this. I don think avoiding and running away is the solution. It's best to not set ourselves up for it, but still when it shows up, it's all about being ready. Suit up and fight it out with already set out weapons. This could be affirmations, prayer, reaching out, journalling, Doing something else, reading success stories, reviewing Consequences etc. But the thing is just to know what to do.

That's a better way to look at recovery, because at the end we can only truly avoid all triggers when we die. As far as we live, they are gonna be around. The way the world is right now, the fight becomes even tougher. So get better weapons. We can all win this looking at it this way.
 

k-fff

Active Member
day 5
happy I am not using. There was a long spurt of not posting because bluntly speaking a lot of horrible things happened some of them were my fault others were simply things I could do nothing about. I asked myself last night if I could go back in time would I still want to have looked at porn for the first time. The answer is no. Despite all of the supposed pleasure surrounding the whole act, it isn't something I would have ever wanted to be exposed to. There is always a bit of bargaining in my brain when I get sever urges. It is under the surface but it is like do I really want to give this up? but if I really look at it, i would have never wanted to experience it in the first place. it has added nothing to my life and has just stolen time.
 

k-fff

Active Member
Day 8
Sometimes i feel like it so easy to be away from porn and not hard. This is contrasted with the days where I binge and the days where I just have nonstop urges like I couldn't imagine doing without it. I don't know. I find days like this so strange like why did I even like porn to begin with. why did I even have those bingeing sessions. It doesn't even feel like it is even a conscious want; it is just one part of my brain taking over the rational side. I don't ever want to use again. That's what I want most in my life right now which makes me so frustrated that despite wanting that I have consistently failed in accomplishing that. I am happy i am not using, but i am more happy that I am just not even feeling urges for this thing. I am tired of it and i am tired of myself. This back and forth where I realize I don't want it and the days where just being online gives me urges immediately. I am tired.
 

k-fff

Active Member
Day 11
I got some urges again today. I left the house before it escalated. I had a workout and I've been reading some partner stories on here. I am wondering now if I have developed these conflict avoidant habits that they see all their SOs doing. When I binge I basically recede from all public life and people close to me immediately pick up on it, I have definitely become more of a shutin since this addiction started 4 years ago. I put my timeline there because I was never that into p before that I developed a problem around it and it actually got so much worse when I used blockers. I am sure blockers work for some people, but for me they created the edging habit because I would search and search. Now if I had to say exactly what my p habit is, it's edging and just downloading a lot of p which will last hours. It is extremely strange because it is even necessarily a video it is just constant browsing. Hence, the feeling of being on autopilot. It really hasn't been too long since my last p session, but I usually feel better after about a week. I think if I had something that I worried about the most is losing the ability to navigate life or interact with people in a normal way. Sex isn't everything and it is only so meaningful as your relationship with the person, but if you can't even interact with them in a meaningful, that's the worst. I really wish I didn't start using again in february that was direct use in relation to coping and even that this addiction didn't start out that way now, it has become an effective way to dull my emotions. In the past, I had much better coping mechanisms which makes this so strange. What happened this year was really horrible, but what has become worse about the whole thing is my p use in response to coping with it. I wasted February, March, and April were all awful. February easily being worst. It is frustrating.
 
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