So I am gonna talk more about these last two relapses because I feel like this is a pattern for me. I will do well for maybe a week than often have two relapses in a row and from then on have relapses every three days. This pattern has made me lose a lot of confidence in my ability to overcome this. I am really bad at dealing with urges and today shows that because I had a bad urge right after a shower and with barely hesitation I relapsed. I feel tired and weak. I don't know how to describe how easy my life is in some ways. My job is not stressful. My dick works. I can get sex. But with all that I am still addicted to this thing. I still have a desire for this and I will even choose it over real women at times. I really hate that. I had planned on doing cold shower work when I have urges because I only have them at home and I need to also start following my steps to break this association to general internet use.
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First time posting here. Want to get rid of this. I heard support helps.
- Thread starter k-fff
- Start date
Day 1
My Ukrainian friend helped me train for the competition and gave me some useful advice. I also have an idea where my endurance is--long story short it is really bad.
I would say I utterly hate porn. It is something that has essentially been forced on us and told that it is normal and healthy to look at for a very longtime. In a just society, it would be outlawed and severely punished. I have immense respect for the guys with PIED who are working their way out of this addiction and even if they have relapsed, they are still trying despite their circumstances.
At the moment, I am less stressed out then before. The funny thing is the relapse gave me the stress. I became stressed out literally because I relapsed. I know I can now make it to 12 days completely without any porn and around the 9-14 mark I start getting a lot of cravings. All I need to do when getting to those set of days is deal with my cravings. My goal is two weeks. It would be great to end the year like that.
Right now, I am on day 2. I won't relapse now and one thing that really bothered me when I did relapse or peek was the thought now I have to post online about my failure and how embarrassing that was. I think this is really important having people holding you accountable and pushing for something better is very important in life.
My Ukrainian friend helped me train for the competition and gave me some useful advice. I also have an idea where my endurance is--long story short it is really bad.
I would say I utterly hate porn. It is something that has essentially been forced on us and told that it is normal and healthy to look at for a very longtime. In a just society, it would be outlawed and severely punished. I have immense respect for the guys with PIED who are working their way out of this addiction and even if they have relapsed, they are still trying despite their circumstances.
At the moment, I am less stressed out then before. The funny thing is the relapse gave me the stress. I became stressed out literally because I relapsed. I know I can now make it to 12 days completely without any porn and around the 9-14 mark I start getting a lot of cravings. All I need to do when getting to those set of days is deal with my cravings. My goal is two weeks. It would be great to end the year like that.
Right now, I am on day 2. I won't relapse now and one thing that really bothered me when I did relapse or peek was the thought now I have to post online about my failure and how embarrassing that was. I think this is really important having people holding you accountable and pushing for something better is very important in life.
W
wecandoit
Guest
I feel you, man. The withdrawal sucks. It's painful. I remember when I got to 18 days and the withdrawal was killing me. It gives you that feeling that it will go on forever. But it's not true. Other people have quit porn and they are proof that withdrawal goes away one day. The thing is, when is that day? That's the question. I had withdrawal even after 40 days. It's scary. It's too many days. Some people advertise 90 days. 90 days is a lot, man! I am trapped myself right now in a circle of relapsing after not even 1 week. I know how annoy and depressing this is.
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wecandoit
Guest
k-fff said:So I am gonna talk more about these last two relapses because I feel like this is a pattern for me. I will do well for maybe a week than often have two relapses in a row and from then on have relapses every three days. This pattern has made me lose a lot of confidence in my ability to overcome this. I am really bad at dealing with urges and today shows that because I had a bad urge right after a shower and with barely hesitation I relapsed. I feel tired and weak. I don't know how to describe how easy my life is in some ways. My job is not stressful. My dick works. I can get sex. But with all that I am still addicted to this thing. I still have a desire for this and I will even choose it over real women at times. I really hate that. I had planned on doing cold shower work when I have urges because I only have them at home and I need to also start following my steps to break this association to general internet use.
I know how this works. I never tied longer streaks back to back. It would be like: Have a 30 days streak, relapse, then relapse after only 5 days. Then relapse after 3. It's like I lose the ability, the tolerance or whatever it is and I can't get back to the same long number of days. It's really annoying. I did better when I had 20 days and then when I had only 5 days I barely resisted the urges to PMO. To edge, actually, cause this is how it starts for me. I start edging for hours and then the O makes me feel nothing, it's just a way to move to a binge after that because I like to bury myself after relapses. It's like a "punishment" for myself. I relapsed, now I want to fuck myself up completely. I know it's a wrong mentality but...
quitforeverthenwin2
Well-Known Member
Yeah man porn is the WORST. I would give you similar advice to what I just posted in wecandoit's journal. When you are in that relapse every 3 days phase (the 3 days seems consistent, I've been in that spot and seen it in a number of journals, I guess that's when the first urges pop up on average). It can help to add NEW routines in to help keep you clean, do things that aid you, especially a daily or almost daily routine. Just a small boost over what you are doing, a boost that'll help with withdrawal urges or motivation, but doing something daily to help you will also boost your confidence and help the cycle.
Examples:
Meditating daily
Working on the SMART recovery book daily (This book is so good, I wish everyone on the forum would work through it, like almost all of the "good" insights I get complimented on are just lifted from this book)
Writing about motivation to quit daily
Reading "your brain on porn" for a certain amount of time each day.
Just some kind of daily routine that will help keep you safe.
Keep fighting man! Relapses suck but the key is you keep coming back and fighting! I was in the same spot some months ago after a relapse and now am the cleanest I have been (PMO fantasy free etc) so you can get back on the horse for sure. (Just to check myself- I gotta stay humble and keep staying vigilant to stay that way!)
Examples:
Meditating daily
Working on the SMART recovery book daily (This book is so good, I wish everyone on the forum would work through it, like almost all of the "good" insights I get complimented on are just lifted from this book)
Writing about motivation to quit daily
Reading "your brain on porn" for a certain amount of time each day.
Just some kind of daily routine that will help keep you safe.
Keep fighting man! Relapses suck but the key is you keep coming back and fighting! I was in the same spot some months ago after a relapse and now am the cleanest I have been (PMO fantasy free etc) so you can get back on the horse for sure. (Just to check myself- I gotta stay humble and keep staying vigilant to stay that way!)
Day 2 and 3
Went by pretty quickly I was really exhausted on day 3 and I think I am getting quite sick because of that. Not really eventful other than on day 3 I chewed out a coworker I absolutely despise who got fired, even though, I didn't look the best in the situation I am happy I did that because that person was awful.
I have that mentality sometimes. Thankfully, I got past that, but funnily enough, you have consistently gone more time than me without porn. Right now, I am just trying to build up another long streak to build my confidence. Porn makes me extremely depressed after using, but while I am depressed, I just spend my time doing a hobby I like so I don't binge as much.
Went by pretty quickly I was really exhausted on day 3 and I think I am getting quite sick because of that. Not really eventful other than on day 3 I chewed out a coworker I absolutely despise who got fired, even though, I didn't look the best in the situation I am happy I did that because that person was awful.
wecandoit said:k-fff said:So I am gonna talk more about these last two relapses because I feel like this is a pattern for me. I will do well for maybe a week than often have two relapses in a row and from then on have relapses every three days. This pattern has made me lose a lot of confidence in my ability to overcome this. I am really bad at dealing with urges and today shows that because I had a bad urge right after a shower and with barely hesitation I relapsed. I feel tired and weak. I don't know how to describe how easy my life is in some ways. My job is not stressful. My dick works. I can get sex. But with all that I am still addicted to this thing. I still have a desire for this and I will even choose it over real women at times. I really hate that. I had planned on doing cold shower work when I have urges because I only have them at home and I need to also start following my steps to break this association to general internet use.
I know how this works. I never tied longer streaks back to back. It would be like: Have a 30 days streak, relapse, then relapse after only 5 days. Then relapse after 3. It's like I lose the ability, the tolerance or whatever it is and I can't get back to the same long number of days. It's really annoying. I did better when I had 20 days and then when I had only 5 days I barely resisted the urges to PMO. To edge, actually, cause this is how it starts for me. I start edging for hours and then the O makes me feel nothing, it's just a way to move to a binge after that because I like to bury myself after relapses. It's like a "punishment" for myself. I relapsed, now I want to fuck myself up completely. I know it's a wrong mentality but...
I have that mentality sometimes. Thankfully, I got past that, but funnily enough, you have consistently gone more time than me without porn. Right now, I am just trying to build up another long streak to build my confidence. Porn makes me extremely depressed after using, but while I am depressed, I just spend my time doing a hobby I like so I don't binge as much.
I will try implementing your recommendations in when I have strong urges. I want to quit because it makes me depressed and I can tell it actively harming my body. I also don't want to be a slave to anything and right now, I am ashamed p has power over me the way it does. I am not really concerned about super powers or anything. I just don't want to be numb towards actual women especially. It affects my relationships really negatively.quitforeverthenwin2 said:Yeah man porn is the WORST. I would give you similar advice to what I just posted in wecandoit's journal. When you are in that relapse every 3 days phase (the 3 days seems consistent, I've been in that spot and seen it in a number of journals, I guess that's when the first urges pop up on average). It can help to add NEW routines in to help keep you clean, do things that aid you, especially a daily or almost daily routine. Just a small boost over what you are doing, a boost that'll help with withdrawal urges or motivation, but doing something daily to help you will also boost your confidence and help the cycle.
Examples:
Meditating daily
Working on the SMART recovery book daily (This book is so good, I wish everyone on the forum would work through it, like almost all of the "good" insights I get complimented on are just lifted from this book)
Writing about motivation to quit daily
Reading "your brain on porn" for a certain amount of time each day.
Just some kind of daily routine that will help keep you safe.
Keep fighting man! Relapses suck but the key is you keep coming back and fighting! I was in the same spot some months ago after a relapse and now am the cleanest I have been (PMO fantasy free etc) so you can get back on the horse for sure. (Just to check myself- I gotta stay humble and keep staying vigilant to stay that way!)
Day 4
Developed a fever throughout the course of the day. Saw some friends and a girl I liked. I am really sick now. Found out yesterday that competition is cancelled. For the best at the moment because I am really sick.
I thought more about why I want to quit porn besides making depressed and stressed after using it. Knowing it is not real in a sense extremely bothers me. It feels like almost like a form of mind control on people. I hate being a slave to something I pride myself on my autonomy. Also, hopefully this slows down the hair loss.
Developed a fever throughout the course of the day. Saw some friends and a girl I liked. I am really sick now. Found out yesterday that competition is cancelled. For the best at the moment because I am really sick.
I thought more about why I want to quit porn besides making depressed and stressed after using it. Knowing it is not real in a sense extremely bothers me. It feels like almost like a form of mind control on people. I hate being a slave to something I pride myself on my autonomy. Also, hopefully this slows down the hair loss.
quitforeverthenwin2
Well-Known Member
Way to go man! I highly support writing over and over those motivations. Doing that in ADVANCE, tended to lead to me having less urges pop up. It's almost like the subconscious is like oh yeah that stuff stinks! Keep the urges down.
Sorry you are sick. Recovery while wick is difficult..... but also an opportunity.... when you get through the bad feelings and urges while sick you can really train your brain to have new reactions to discomfort and break the porn loop.
Sorry you are sick. Recovery while wick is difficult..... but also an opportunity.... when you get through the bad feelings and urges while sick you can really train your brain to have new reactions to discomfort and break the porn loop.
Thanks man, I think it has gotten easier to stop my p loop after a few days. I hope to get two weeks this time to further break it. Lately, I have not had any urges really so it is a little easier, but I feel like i deal with urges badly in general. I know I knew they were coming before, but I still gave in.
W
wecandoit
Guest
k-fff said:Thanks man, I think it has gotten easier to stop my p loop after a few days. I hope to get two weeks this time to further break it. Lately, I have not had any urges really so it is a little easier, but I feel like i deal with urges badly in general. I know I knew they were coming before, but I still gave in.
I have the same urges tolerance problem.
wecandoit said:k-fff said:Thanks man, I think it has gotten easier to stop my p loop after a few days. I hope to get two weeks this time to further break it. Lately, I have not had any urges really so it is a little easier, but I feel like i deal with urges badly in general. I know I knew they were coming before, but I still gave in.
I have the same urges tolerance problem.
Well, I have looked back in my journal and I literally knew when urges were about to come up and I could have dealt with it better, but I didn't. At the moment, it is likely on those days I just won't allow myself on my computer because that is the biggest association I have to p.
Day 5
Was enormously sick the other day, today my fever broke and I feel significantly better. I am gonna rest the rest of the day even though I would love to go train because I am not fully recovered. Reminding myself why I want to quit p, I want to quit p because it is not real. It makes it seem like you're the one there when in reality you're not. It destroys the proper associations around sex. It makes me depressed and stressed when I use. It makes me worry that I am advancing the loss of my hair. It makes me worry about my reward system being so messed up that I won't be able to enjoy normal things healthily. I want to quit because I want to be free and I am the one in control of my body and my mind. Since, I am in control, I can quit. I want to quit because it wastes my time and drains what little time I have in life to a completely meaningless and hollow outlet. I want accomplishments not p.
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wecandoit
Guest
k-fff said:Well, I have looked back in my journal and I literally knew when urges were about to come up and I could have dealt with it better, but I didn't. At the moment, it is likely on those days I just won't allow myself on my computer because that is the biggest association I have to p.
My problem is when I wake up and especially when I wake up after sleeping just for a few hours.
Freedomisworthit
Member
Well, I have looked back in my journal and I literally knew when urges were about to come up and I could have dealt with it better, but I didn't. At the moment, it is likely on those days I just won't allow myself on my computer because that is the biggest association I have to p.
Day 5
It makes me worry about my reward system being so messed up that I won't be able to enjoy normal things healthily. I want to quit because I want to be free and I am the one in control of my body and my mind. Since, I am in control, I can quit. I want to quit because it wastes my time and drains what little time I have in life to a completely meaningless and hollow outlet. I want accomplishments not p.
[/quote]
I love this, these are great reasons to remember when times get boring, stressful, or anxious. I hated not being able to make clear decisions on my own and manage my own emotions. My answer has been self-discipline, resilience, and battling for a healthy mindset daily (working through insecurities).
Day 5
It makes me worry about my reward system being so messed up that I won't be able to enjoy normal things healthily. I want to quit because I want to be free and I am the one in control of my body and my mind. Since, I am in control, I can quit. I want to quit because it wastes my time and drains what little time I have in life to a completely meaningless and hollow outlet. I want accomplishments not p.
[/quote]
I love this, these are great reasons to remember when times get boring, stressful, or anxious. I hated not being able to make clear decisions on my own and manage my own emotions. My answer has been self-discipline, resilience, and battling for a healthy mindset daily (working through insecurities).
Day 6
Day went by smoothly enough watched tv. I just rested trying to get over being sick.
Today is day seven. I am still feeling sick. Hopefully by tomorrow the remnants of this sickness go away. I had a few urges yesterday. I am trying to remember what they were like, but they definitely were there. Nothing too strong.
Reminding myself why I want to quit p. It is destroying my reward system and it shrinks prefrontal cortex. It destroys my interest in real women and it makes me severely depressed whenever I use. I don't think I have ever felt good after using or even normal for that matter-just drained. It wastes my time especially the hours where I have spent edging essentially locked in place by my computer screen with absolutely no awareness of the outside world. I am in control of my body and I want this gone.
Day went by smoothly enough watched tv. I just rested trying to get over being sick.
Today is day seven. I am still feeling sick. Hopefully by tomorrow the remnants of this sickness go away. I had a few urges yesterday. I am trying to remember what they were like, but they definitely were there. Nothing too strong.
Reminding myself why I want to quit p. It is destroying my reward system and it shrinks prefrontal cortex. It destroys my interest in real women and it makes me severely depressed whenever I use. I don't think I have ever felt good after using or even normal for that matter-just drained. It wastes my time especially the hours where I have spent edging essentially locked in place by my computer screen with absolutely no awareness of the outside world. I am in control of my body and I want this gone.
Day 7
Ended no problems had an O. In the past, I think this caused a chaser effect. What do you guys think of O with a girl? if it sets me back and how much?
daily reminder why I want to quit p
I want to quit because it makes me depressed and stressed. It has messed up my reward system so much that I can feel my brain light up like a Christmas bulb whenever I do anything enjoyable. Looking has caused a deep indifference toward other people and my own goals. It has damaged my brain. I am the one in control of my body and mind. I want to quit because it strengthens my willpower and it strengthens me.
Ended no problems had an O. In the past, I think this caused a chaser effect. What do you guys think of O with a girl? if it sets me back and how much?
daily reminder why I want to quit p
I want to quit because it makes me depressed and stressed. It has messed up my reward system so much that I can feel my brain light up like a Christmas bulb whenever I do anything enjoyable. Looking has caused a deep indifference toward other people and my own goals. It has damaged my brain. I am the one in control of my body and mind. I want to quit because it strengthens my willpower and it strengthens me.
Day 8 ended with pretty well. It was Christmas in China spent time with a girl though, I felt really depressed because I wanted to be home. 3 years without being home for Christmas slowly gets to you.
Daily reminder of why I want to quit p.
It makes me depressed and stressed out. It makes me ashamed of myself and disgusted. It ruins my pride in a lot of ways and I can tell it causes me to hate myself at times. I know it has caused harm to my relationship with girls and most of all, it has really damaged my brain. I want to quit because I want to heal my brain and completely get rid of the brain fog that I often feel because of the p use. I want to quit because I want to have the energy and the will to accomplish my goals of doing kickboxing professionally in China and becoming stronger. I want to be free from the need of p or anything like that. I am in control and I am reasserting it every day.
Daily reminder of why I want to quit p.
It makes me depressed and stressed out. It makes me ashamed of myself and disgusted. It ruins my pride in a lot of ways and I can tell it causes me to hate myself at times. I know it has caused harm to my relationship with girls and most of all, it has really damaged my brain. I want to quit because I want to heal my brain and completely get rid of the brain fog that I often feel because of the p use. I want to quit because I want to have the energy and the will to accomplish my goals of doing kickboxing professionally in China and becoming stronger. I want to be free from the need of p or anything like that. I am in control and I am reasserting it every day.
W
wecandoit
Guest
8 days is a good beginning man.
Day 9 ended with no problems. I thought I had posted, but apparently not. I want to consistently remind myself why I want to quit P. Day 10 also ended yesterday, I had a nightmare that I relapsed and I remember specifically in the dream trying not to look and I couldn't stop myself. Woke up in the middle of the night really stressed out because of it.
Today is day 11. Daily reminder for why I want to stop p.
It makes me depressed and anxious. It draws me into a fake world destroying my sense of time. What I mean by that is whenever I would edge or look at p, at least an hour would go by without me realizing it and I often times would be so caught up in it that 3 to 4 hours would go by in what felt like just a few minutes. This is a depressing time waster and I know my mind was doing it for the easy dopamine rather than the normal levels that I would get from improving my hobbies like drawing, kickboxing, and piano. After I would look, I would lose all motivation for those things and often times completely lose the motivation for other women. I want to quit most of all because I want to accomplish more things. While I have done some things that I am proud of, it is not enough. I know I am in a better place mentally than some other guys on here because other aspects of my life are under control. I have no reason not to have this under control. It has such great potential to destroy the good things I have done in other areas of my life. I am the one in control of my mind and body.
Today is day 11. Daily reminder for why I want to stop p.
It makes me depressed and anxious. It draws me into a fake world destroying my sense of time. What I mean by that is whenever I would edge or look at p, at least an hour would go by without me realizing it and I often times would be so caught up in it that 3 to 4 hours would go by in what felt like just a few minutes. This is a depressing time waster and I know my mind was doing it for the easy dopamine rather than the normal levels that I would get from improving my hobbies like drawing, kickboxing, and piano. After I would look, I would lose all motivation for those things and often times completely lose the motivation for other women. I want to quit most of all because I want to accomplish more things. While I have done some things that I am proud of, it is not enough. I know I am in a better place mentally than some other guys on here because other aspects of my life are under control. I have no reason not to have this under control. It has such great potential to destroy the good things I have done in other areas of my life. I am the one in control of my mind and body.
Last night, I had another nightmare that I relapsed. It is affecting my sleep quality now. Day 12, this is around the time where I relapsed last. I had a lot of urges yesterday, particularly after working out. I am gonna work out again today have to be mindful of the dopamine release there.
Daily reminder why I want to quit p
It makes me depressed and anxious. It causes a lot of brain fog and I am not able to pay attention well. It is destroying my brain. It makes sex not as good and makes me less interested in real people. It sucks away my time for hours on end that i could have spent doing something meaningful. It has made me stagnate these last two years when i could have done more. I am in control of my mind and body.
Daily reminder why I want to quit p
It makes me depressed and anxious. It causes a lot of brain fog and I am not able to pay attention well. It is destroying my brain. It makes sex not as good and makes me less interested in real people. It sucks away my time for hours on end that i could have spent doing something meaningful. It has made me stagnate these last two years when i could have done more. I am in control of my mind and body.
W
wecandoit
Guest
k-fff said:Last night, I had another nightmare that I relapsed.
Those dreams seem to be common. I had them too. One night I dreamed about watching P, I woke up right after and it took me a minute to realize if it was dream or reality. I was so sure I had relapsed. I said "Fuck! I relapsed!" Then I understood it was a dream and I sighed in relief.