Day 11
I got some urges again today. I left the house before it escalated. I had a workout and I've been reading some partner stories on here. I am wondering now if I have developed these conflict avoidant habits that they see all their SOs doing. When I binge I basically recede from all public life and people close to me immediately pick up on it, I have definitely become more of a shutin since this addiction started 4 years ago. I put my timeline there because I was never that into p before that I developed a problem around it and it actually got so much worse when I used blockers. I am sure blockers work for some people, but for me they created the edging habit because I would search and search. Now if I had to say exactly what my p habit is, it's edging and just downloading a lot of p which will last hours. It is extremely strange because it is even necessarily a video it is just constant browsing. Hence, the feeling of being on autopilot. It really hasn't been too long since my last p session, but I usually feel better after about a week. I think if I had something that I worried about the most is losing the ability to navigate life or interact with people in a normal way. Sex isn't everything and it is only so meaningful as your relationship with the person, but if you can't even interact with them in a meaningful, that's the worst. I really wish I didn't start using again in february that was direct use in relation to coping and even that this addiction didn't start out that way now, it has become an effective way to dull my emotions. In the past, I had much better coping mechanisms which makes this so strange. What happened this year was really horrible, but what has become worse about the whole thing is my p use in response to coping with it. I wasted February, March, and April were all awful. February easily being worst. It is frustrating.