HE'S BACK! I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery

[imsorrynotsorry]

Hello Shade,

Great what you've planned. For starters a month is a like a huge mountain and you cannot even see the peak. I wish you all the best for that, the energy and willpower one will need for that. Remember the 6PP, the urges will fade.
Those night moments when there is no sleep is when all the other protective measures are sleeping aswell, you know that. Therefore i wish you good and chilly nights.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Those night moments when there is no sleep is when all the other protective measures are sleeping aswell, you know that.

Very true words, thanks! To deal with the sleepless nights we've thrown the whole house upside down; we're both sleeping in the living room because that is where the airconditioning is lol. So we're both sleeping on  our mattresses in the living room in a nice 22 degrees celsius (beats the 30 degrees in the bedroom).. I am always hoping for steaming nights in the bedroom, but not like this lol

Urgewise I am doing okay-ish. Felt sluggish the whole day due to this thick moist blanket of unrelentless heat. Why is it that in commercial property the a/c is always serviced when needed the most? The office was almost unbearable so I went home a little early. We had some dinner, watched some tv and played with the new kitten. We've been talking about a kitten and now seemed like the perfect time because my wife is constantly home and we wanted to bring something positive in our lives to distract a little from the constant covid struggle. This seems to be working very well

I'm also thinking on where I want to be at the end of the year, but most importantly on the how of it. I've been on this forum for a nice 8 months now but I feel that I can do better. Not in a beat myself up kind of way but more like I think i have not grasped every opportunity to beat this addiction. So as indicated earlier I will now first focus on a single month. It may indeed seem like a mountain, but I've done it before and I know that I can do it. Lately there were  a lot of struggles and I've let them get the best of me. The easy thing would be to blame external influences like sleepless nights due to heat or stress or whatever and while those make it more difficult of course, in the end the true fight is within and how you deal with the setbacks or extra challenges. It is that wall of defense  that you see mentioned on here often. Because sleepless nights can most of the time be anticipated and because of that actions can be taken to make sure that there is no relapse.

So for me the how is staying on top of it. When I've scrolled back through this thread and also pondering about the past months I notice that I let my attention slip after a while. I get complacent. I allow the urges to creep back in and have not always fully committed to my own deviced 6PP. And the 6PP is not enough. The 6PP is great as a last defence but there should be more defensive walls in place. One of those is seeing the gradual build up towards a relapse. From my experience it is not a 'momentary' lapse but a sequence of events and choices in the days before the relapse. It is the recognition of that mechanism, getting insight in my own self-sabotaging behaviour before it reaches critical mass.

I will ponder some more on this.


Have a good one gentlemen

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Today is day 5 and i've noticed the urges coming back again. Already yesterday.
Sleep is still terrible, even with the ac unit blasting at full power. So the last couple of nights were not good. Therefore I have to be extra careful of relapsing since sleep deprivation and the loss of cognitive strengh (i.e. willpower) really cuts into my defenses.

Fortunately we both sleep downstairs so there is nowhere for me to go to to relapse, this already takes away the opportunity and with that a great deal of the automated mechanism. Phone is still far away from where I sleep.

 

[Orbiter]

Good job staying vigilant Shade! Managing urges at day 5 is hard enough but fatigue and that loss of cognitive strength makes it so much harder. All the more important to stay away from any screens during this time you've identified as a dangerous one. Just ride it out a few days more and the worst of the chaser effect will be behind you.

You can do it!

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Thanks for the support Orbiter! It's much appreciated!

Today is day 6
Yesterday was ok i guess.. The heat wave is still very much present, sleepless nights are also still a thing. Had a nice quick chat with the Mrs. yesterday after we watch a documentary series and one of the episodes was about tantra.. At the start there were quite some suggestive images (not nudity) but suggestive enough so I told my wife that it triggered my urges. She was happy that I told her and we briefly talked about why I am doing hard mode again. It was a relief to talk about it and I noticed that afterwards I felt more relaxed and less tense.

So for today the program is heat, combined with more heat. But somehow i'm getting used to it. The phone routine while sleeping is still in place (YES!). The next step would be to detox myself from that device. I notice that when I am not feeling 100% at ease I immediately grab my phone (much like P) In fact my phone is a substitute for P in a way.


Edit; let's hope this heatwave is gone soon..Because when driving through the city I work in (it's a city with one of the bigger universities and so a lot of female students living there) I came across a body of water with a LOT of very nice looking girls who didnt even bother to sunbathe in their bikinis but just their thongs.. oh man.. luckily I was driving and could not pay a lot attention to them...


Thanks for reading guys!

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Day 7,

Man the urges are strong today! I'm struggling, but luckily I am at work.

 

[Icandoit]

Day 7,

Man the urges are strong today! I'm struggling, but luckily I am at work.

I know, bro. I've been through this 1000 times. Don't peek, don't edge to porn, don't even think too much about porn. It's tightrope. if you manage to minimize the arousal, you have a chance.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Thanks Icandoit,

Day 8.
It's still pretty hard (literally and figuratively lol) the urges are really strong.. But luckily they are for the majority physical and not specifically aimed at porn. Although, the automated mechanism in my mind will link arousal towards PMO.
Another difficult thing during the physical arousal is my wife. She's beautiful, has an amazing body and during these heatwave times she wears very light dresses that accentuate everything.

The positive side of this is that my arousal is for the most part aimed at the wife and not porn. And, although we can't do anything right now I am pleased with this. I will try however not to give to much attention or I will drive myself nuts.

So, it is vacation time for me 2 weeks no work and already some nice things planned. 2 nights away with the Mrs. next week, driving my friends new speedboat today and beachtime with the wife in the coming days. I am very happy and exited for all these plans and i'm really looking forward to the next couple of weeks to spend working on the house, with the wife and doing nice things with the wife now that she's slowly able to do more things after that covid shit.


That's it for now, will keep you all updated

Edit: wife went out for her trainng walk, and as soon the door closed the old mechanism kicked in. Decided to come on here for accountability and after this post I will read Rewire: Change your brain

 

[Orbiter]

Stay strong Shade! Remember everything you've learnt about your urges, the hungry ghosts, use the 6PP when necessary and keep yourself busy and you'll make it past this i'm sure.

Keep up the good work. You've got this!

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Give the lessest amount of thoughts and time to P, skip that.

Know absolutely the situation with the wife, respectively the GF, but just stay focused. She's there and she will be there. Living with the right amount of lust and libido is just what we want to have. And in the end we want to satisfy that with natural and healthy intimacy.

Stick to your phone plan, just be in those moments and maybe think of Tara Brach how to stay there, accept it, let it be.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Guys,

Thanks so much for the much valued support and advice! It really helps. The hungry ghosts, 6PP and self love have paid of so far. So thank you!

Today is day 9 and the urges are still there. But that's ok. Got a nice day planned of visiting my mother and later on (if the weather allows for it) a visit to the beach. 

Later on i will also read up on the other threads



Thanks guys!

 

[Andrew1973]

Hey Shade - great to catch up on your diary and read about your renewed resolve and progress. I can feel the energy in your posts that seemed to have dwindled a little back in July. I'm really pleased for you. Seems like the phone controls have provided a good practical tool. Keep at it my friend and as you always say to us..."I'm rooting for you!"

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Thanks UKGuy,

While I am still struggling with urges (I am already anticipation challenge later this day when the Mrs is going to recovery therapy) but I have a plan in place, but my mind still thinks I can go on those webcamchat sites... But i know that it's not worth it and futile.

I've actually already have my workout yoga mat and weights in place, playstation lined up and the forum constantly open. I am getting go that 1 month hard mode no matter what.

It's day 11 so that will be the beginning of september. For the coming 2 weeks i have time to think about what the next milestone will be (probably 60 or 90 lol)  But if it;s also going to be hardmode I don't know. While the wife has expressed that she has the desire to start being intimate again (YES!) we still have to be patient.. If she walks up the stairs her hearrate is still 140 bpm so i don't want to know what happens when we are getting physical again. But that's ok of course. I know that we will not immediately are going 100% at it with the intimacy again. We're going to take it slow to get to know eachother again and i'm actually looking forward to that because i've never been intimate with her outside of my addiction. I'm very curious what the future will bring on that end.

That being said, after the 30 days, depending on the level of intimacy with my wife, i might have to introduce plain old MO again just for relief sake. It's much needed because lately i am just almost constantly in a ready state and that is also distracting.


Anyway, day 11 today and feeling good about myself

 

[Icandoit]

I like to set myself smaller goals because they seem easier to achieve, something like 5 days, 7 days (1 week), 10 days, 14 days (2 weeks) etc. Like this, you have only a few days to go before the next milestone. Thinking about 90 days right from the start might make you feel like it's a long way of suffering to get there and it might not feel so easily achievable when your streak is small. I don't know, this is just my thoughts, you don't have to follow it if you don't want to.

Also, about masturbation, it helped me get to 42 days, my longest streak, but it was very difficult as it created a hard chaser effect and craving for porn. Big care is needed.

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Sorry to interrupt but MO isn't helping because it induces chaser effect. It helps a bit maybe, but for long runs it's better to stay away from it, or even stay away from O.

 

[recovery000]

Glad to see you are feeling good about yourself. Keep up the good work. Plan activities for your days of leisure, and unplug from the online world whenever possible. Wishing you a great week!

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Life can be amazing. Today my wife invited me to lay on the couch, she joined and helped me unload.. Holy shit I needed that. This really sparked some joy and newfound confidence in us rebuilding our sex life. It was the first time since the reboot that we had a sexual encounter, but it was amazing. I felt like I could totally surrender to her and let everything take it's course.

Today is day 11 and I am relaxed and happy

Now this will be the first time that I have O-ed with the Mrs since i've started my reboot so I am curious what kind of chaser effect this will induce and how strong it will be. Will keep you all posted guys!

 

[BabySteps]

Hey ShadeTrenicin

Congrats, orgasming with a real partner is a step in the right direction buddy. The chasers effect might be strong, but at least you have a partner to share your fears with.

I'm rooting for you too!

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Nice to hear that things worked naturally and you both enjoyed it.

This is the direction, you're on track.

 

[Orbiter]

That's great to hear Shade! Sounds like a positive step in the right direction. I'd imagine it must be extra nice to finally be reaping some rewards for all the hard work you've been putting into this reboot. Keep up the great work!