HE'S BACK! I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery

[ShadeTrenicin]

Thanks a lot for the kind words Phineas 808! It means a lot.

I will also check out your 6 core and 30 special questions to see if I can implement some of them in my approach as well.

Today is day 6.

When reading my post of yesterday I forgot to add a big part of things that have helped me. And that is the 6 Point Plan that I (sort of) came up with myself.
To reiterate:

1. Recognize the urge
2. Allow that the urge is there (you cannot will it away, let it be and analyze it)
3. Investigate why the urge is there (is there something inside of you that makes you resort to PMO?)
4. Realize that the urge is temporary
5. Recall the feeling of emptiness after a PMO wank
6. (optional if the urge is really strong) Resort to an emergency activity such as sports, anti-sexual activities, other hobbies.


Today I started the day out positively; abs challenge, push up challenge and a couple of minutes of meditation.
Then when starting working (From home) I made a list of things to do today to give some structure to the day.
I'm not yet at the point where I can make massive lists, but for now I will keep it at the most fundamental things Ill have to do for the day.

I did forgot to make my If list. So when I had an urge (which I always have when I work from home as I'm high up in the attic with noone to bother me) I just took a shower and rubbed it out. Taking a quick decisive action like that feels good as I now know I won't wast any energy on PMO.

So, I'm feeling motivated but I do feel the tendency to deviate from my plan a lot. This is because I'm also currently in a hyperfocus about some construction work of the house. We're thinking about expanding the house and basically reconfiguring the entire layout of the house so that it becomes more efficient. But that involves building an extra appendage to the house, moving walls (which in dutch houses is not as easy as in American houses as all the walls are stone) reorientating the stairs / staircase / completely new layout of the second floor where we expand our bedroom as well and creating a new bathroom. Etc, etc, etc, I really really really like construction work so having an office job is somewhat conflicting haha. But for now I have a massive hyperfocus in detailing everything out in Sketchup and for the technical parts in a 3D cad environment.

However, I do also like my actual profession so after writing al of this down I will make a nice planning for the afternoon for me to work on.


That's it for now.

 

[Phineas 808]

I appreciate your focus, Shade!

I'll send you my complete list of questions in PM form, and however you can benefit from any of them, go for it...!

 

[EarthWalker]

Welcome back! Onwards and upwards! Let's do this. Wishing you all the best Shade.

 

[EarthWalker]

What is helping me is I guess I'll call it Law of Redirection. I just redirect my focus to my heart center when P comes up. Simple. Also looks to be very effective.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Thanks EW and Phineas!

Today was day 7. I wasn't working from home which always pretty much nullifies the urges. However, when coming home and the wife went to sleep I did falter for a little bit as I opened an incognito window. But, luckily I didn't go through with it.

It was a moment of weakness as I've come home from a visit of another company and directly after I picked something up. The combination of being tired of a whole day of meetings, a 1,5 hour trainride, the warm weather and the extra chore all while being hungry isn't the best preset for resisting temptations as all my energy was spent.

So looking back on this day; I cant say that I was productive but I did not properly anticipate the situation of coming home.
Also, normaly I have a whole set of IT security built into my router. But we just got a new one so after installing it I was without failsafes. That in itself was the main trigger.

'So, for tomorrow I will make sure that the router has all the blocking settings and parental control it needs and ask the wife to change the password so that I cannot falter (for the time being).


That's it for today my friends! I hope all of you are well. I will try to respond to some of your threads in the coming days.

Take care!

 

[Phineas 808]

Good job on shutting it down, Shade! Good observations too, recognizing the high-risk situation created by the new router, being overworked on an empty stomach, and the wife going to sleep.

Incognito mode was my 'go to' when I acted out as well, no more cookies and/or history to deal with !

Be well.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Thanks Phineas,

Unfortunately, last night my subconsious mind took over. Making me think I couldn't sleep, triggering me to go downstairs and induldge.
It wasn't a binge or anything but the relapses are getting closer after eachother again..

So what the hell is going on?

Energy - Im basically chronically tired.
When I work from home, I'm more relaxed. But, I procrastinate a lot. So when I'm at the office I have to work extra to catch up.
I do manage better since I've implemented some of the things from Atomic habits, but I'm still a massive procrastrinator.
So what happens is that throughout the week i slowly burn out a little bit, leaving me exhausted for the weekend. Then I don't fully recover during the weekend and so I start the week with a small energy deficit which slowly builds up towards the end of the week.

During periods of energy deficit the good habits are the ones to go like described a few posts back. Mostly meditation and journaling. But after a while I also get behind on housework.

Safety net - the good intentions aren't yet fully formed habits on which I can fall back. As the days / weeks pass by with an energy deficit the changes of me lashing out increase as I will have less and less energy for restraining myself.

Oportunity - My wife sleeps 2 hours during the day every day and the IT network was exposed.

What is there to change? What is the low hanging fruit for the short-term period?
1. Improve sleep hygiene.
2. While typing this post, I've reset all measures and failsafes on the IT network and the wife has the password.
3. Plan tomorrow to get back into rythm

 

[Orbiter]

Hi Shade,

Long time no see! Good to hear from you again, though perhaps it would've been nicer under better circumstances :/

The energy is one I relate to as well. Inhibitions lower when tired, almost like a mild inebriation, and we find ourselves in a state where PMO happens seemingly automatically.

Sleep hygeine is a big one for energy but I would say do not underestimate the role of exercise in boosting your overall energy levels. Sometimes that vague feeling of low can sometimes be that our bodies feel understimulated. The importance of the meditation is the focus & clarity.

What time of day are you doing both? Is it the morning or later in the day/evening? I have found from experience the morning is ideal to 'set us up' properly for the challenges of the day but you may differ.

Keep up the great work! Wishing you well,

Orbiter

 

[lhp28]

Holy you've been trying for 3 years it's remarkable. Keep it up Shade!

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Orbiter!
Thanks for your reaction. You were always a big support! To get back on your questions;
On days I work from home / weekend I meditate and work out in the morning to start my day properly.
On days I go to work I do it in the evening (and those are also the days on which I skip the healthy habits). Perhaps I should take 1 later and also do my workout and meditation on workdays. At least one workout that is.

Thanks lhp28!
It has been almost 2,5 years yes and I'm doing a lot better but I've not yet nailed it.

So today is day 2, and I also have to say that I barely escaped yesterday. And on top of that, this post is because I had urges and opportunity.

Something is up and it feels like my urges are a lot stronger lately. I feel like I have to dig deep into my emotional wellbeing to analyse what is going on. There are of course the obvious reasons like stress, sleep, uncertainty and powerlesness in my wife's sickness, a bad appraisal at work (due to my own long covid). Etc.

So I feel like I'm taking on to much battles at once and it feels like drowning. So I've slowly fled towards my old habits and I think that's why PMO-ing is very sneakily but very visibly creeping back into my life.

But, I know that I'm not drowning but I'm just making the wrong choises; bad food in stead of meditation, staying up late and smoking some weed in stead of going to bed at a reasonable time. I mean, If I were to consistantly make the healthy choise regarding sleep and food alone that would make a very large difference. I mean I can imagine that if I were to use all the energy I waste in bad habits and PMO into the facets of my life i'm struggling with I would feel a lot better.

But, the mind always tries to fool us. I mean cravings and urges do have a function, albeit not of this time anymore. I've read somewhere that we still have the brain that our 10000 year old ancestors had and that it's not equiped to deal with modern day life and all the temptations that we have. I mean a craving for fatty food is just a very old survival mechanism because calorie rich food was very scarce

But I digress. The topic at hand is that I'm having a hard time in dealing with the addiction. I'm actually in a place where I sort of want to relapse but also not of course. So big danger zone.
I did start the day out good; worked out. And I made a nice to do list. The only option for me is to right now consiously decide that I will not relapse. In stead I will stick to my tasklist and do relaxing and constructive activities that I feel good about, like playing piano.
Next to that I feel that I need rest. I've had a really good nights sleep (9 hours) but you don't fix fatigue with one good nights sleep. In fact that's my pitfall. "Ohh, I've had a good nights sleep" I will work 12 hours straight now"
No, today I will focus on relaxation and committing to staying clean.


Stay safe and clean my friends

Addendum
First of all I'm playing piano as I really like doing so, so yay me. However, what I'm struggling with / debating about with myself is the restrictions on my IT network. On the one hand it is an extra safety measure that prohibits me from lashing out where I to give in to the urges. But, don't they also create a false feeling of safety? As in, I can do whatever I want because I'm not able to watch P anyway.

The reason I'm thinking this is that for me I always said that for now I will leave these safeties in place and 'when the time comes' I can remove the restrictions. The big question for me right now is whether or not the removal of the restrictions in the future will lead to a trigger / urge.
The alternative is to leave everything open and unrestricted and I will have to rely on my own intentions. This path is of course much more difficult but I think more effective as I will be forced to rely on myself and not on something else / an external factor. I mean, one of the rules of stopping any addiction is that the motivation purely has to be intrinsic. I.e. we do it for ourselves and not others. However, typing this I do have to admit that is is an addiction we are talking about and not a bad habit. The nature of an addiction forces us addicts to go beyond ourselves and what we believe in as people to get what we want, even though later on we do not agree with that decision...Do I need to protect myself from myself?

 

[Phineas 808]

Unfortunately, last night my subconsious mind took over. Making me think I couldn't sleep, triggering me to go downstairs and induldge.
It wasn't a binge or anything but the relapses are getting closer after eachother again..

So what the hell is going on?

Hi, Shade!

I think it's simply a matter of habit. I think that addiction is just habit on steriods, or a 'hyper-habit' if you will. But the same thing that changes habits will change our addictions, too. It's not a matter of will-power, but of habit-change, although in the initial phases, choosing habit changes and repetitively sticking with them is key. Changing the habits that surround our habits is key.

Above all, dymistify the word 'addiction', as it doesn't mean that we're inherently diseased, and it doesn't mean we're incurably flawed. It simply means that we've become overly dependent on certain habits- but all things are subject to change for the better.

You can do this!

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Changing the habits that surround our habits is key.

This I resonate with a lot. This has also been key in getting the addiction under control and out of my life. I know that my addiction is an unhealthy life choise turned into addiction. But the sort of small choices that lead upto a relapse, those are the ones that can help a lot. It permeates into a lot of facets of daily life that sometimes are difficult to discover.

And no, we're not inherently diseased or flawed beyond repair. But it also doesn't mean that it can't be character defining. Especially for some us who've been living with it, and lying about it for sometimes more than 20 years. Over such an extended period of time these habits become part of our character. I mean don't get me wrong. I KNOW I can be another person. If we look at the Oxford dictionary for the word addiction, it comes back wit the following explanation: person who is unable to stop using or doing something as a habit, especially something harmful. And that is sometimes what it feels like; unability. But, addiction or not. It still is, as you said, subject to change for the better. That's why we're all here! To help eachother beat the addiction

 

[Phineas 808]

Definitely, Shade! I agree that this thing can become a dangerous defining of character and of destiny, which is why- even if I entertain that "I'm not as bad as others are..."- that no matter how I minimize it, drinking poison is drinking poison.

And yes, we're here to help each other beat this mother of an addiction...!

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Day 3 today.

Had a really good nights sleep (9+ hours). Woke up, had breakfast with the Mrs. and then did my first work out routine.
Later on I noticed some effects of relapsing 3 days ago as I was quickly agitated because of nothing. What happened was that I was basically mindlessly browsing and that is similar to what happens when browsing for P. So that triggered something in the dopamine system I guess.

Luckily I noticed it fairly quickly and discussed it with the wife. This helped tremendously and now I'm feeling good.
Some urges arose and mild speculative imagination about the fact that I COULD relapse today. But, I decided that it's not worth it.
So later on (being now) I picked up the laptop to come onto here.

For the rest of the day I've some chores planned and also a push-up routine to do.

Tomorrow will be day 4

Addendum
After reading and posting on several other threads, the urges have pretty much vanished!

Second addendum
While doing chores around the house I noticed that the irritability came back pretty quick. I felt overstimulated and that dropped my mood fast. But I almost immediatel talked to my wife about it and it really helped that I expressed my feelings.
In past situations I would have just continued with what I was doing, further draining myself.

Yay me

 

[Phineas 808]

Your wife sounds like an excellent resource and outlet for the inner turmoil we all feel time to time.

Yay, You...!

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Thanks phineas. My wife is the absolute treasure of this earth. I would not be here withour her. That sounds more dramatic than I mean it to be,. I mean if it wasnt for her I would be probably fapping my life away and not realizing my full potential. I'm 100% grateful for her.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

This is the start of day 4!
I started the day out positive with breakfast and a push-up routine. After that I started working and made a small to-do list for myself.

Structure of posts
I've been thinking that I want to post every day, and if possible in the morning and evening. Purely because I can reflect on my own intentions and have a better grasp on them. Also I will try to organize the posts into small blocks that can be about different topics that are occupying my thoughts at the moment.

Yesterday
So yesterday was an absurd day. I was emotionally very unstable. I don't know what it was but it seems to me that over the past period I've not looked after myself emotionally and have disregarded my own feelings. So when I started going on here again and started posting and writing I also forced myself to start thinking and process my thoughts and feeling again. Somehow that has opened up quite some repressed emotions that all came out yesterday ranging from happyness to sadness, to anger, to resentment to frustruation. I felt out of control. A really disheartening feeling I have to add.

added after edit:​

The shit thing is that my wife was on the receiving end of all the pent up frustration and anger. We've talked about this today actually after reading the original post she noticed that there was no mention of the effect it had on her. And I do have to agree that I do silence that part of every encounter and leave it out of posts or my own internal dialogue.​

I do this because I'm getting so caught up in my own emotions, that there is no room for hers.​

​

This is also weird as my addiction to porn also has a massive influence on the relation and our sex life. Throughout all the years I've never thought about what kind of effects everything has on her. I mean, yes I am here for myself, to kick the addiction but I'm also in a loving relation and my wife has had to deal with a shitstorm of things because of the addiction. She is as much in this as I am and I also forget that she can be there for me and help me so that together we can break the addiction. By involving her into this I also have the chance to find out why I always ignore her feelings in this. An opportunity to grow both as a person on an emotional level as well as a loving partner. ​

This shows, once more, that honesty to yourself is 100% needed for recovery. Even though I did not lie to myself, I also did not allow my emotions to be processed by me. Withholding them actually. And this is not an honest action for someome who wants to recover as I am blocking my own emotional growth. It also shows the importance of dealing with things in life, rather than tucking them away. Especially for us addicts.

Even now I notice that there still a residue of the emotional instability inside of me. And also, the wide range of emotions caused me to want to flee to PMO. I didn't but there was an urge. However, later on after I got my feet on the ground again and talked with my wife (patience of an angel but still very assertive luckily) I noticed that the talking pretty much cleared the air of any urges and I felt relieved.

Once again showing that talking about your emotions and outing them before they are able to build up is critical.

Unifinished business.
I have massive issues with not finishing tasks and they're also very contradicting.
On the one hand I have difficulties with finishing tasks. Be it due to interest or by being distracted by something else. (This also indicates that for me there is a great need to be organized on both the material as well as the mental level).
But what also throws me off is not finishing things as I have difficulties letting them go in my head. So I have the stress of not being able to let them go or not wanting to forget them but I also want to start / do other and/or new tasks.


Today
Today I will do the following things to be better as a person and addict:
- Meditation
- work out
- Call with my Accountability partner.

 

[Phineas 808]

Awesome insight, self-perspective, and including of your wife in your emotional healing and recovery!

Capturing this purposeful use of one's journal is- and was so important in my own recovery.

Inspirational, Shade!

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Thanks Phineas!

Today is the end of day 4 (Almost) and I do have to admit I fell for some gateway activities. I'm downstairs playing some piano and smoking a little bit of weed. This is gateway behaviour, especially after the emotional rollercoaster we've had the past two days. On top of that I have to also admit that I had some urges and almost opened up an incognito window to act out..

So, things have started well today but I've missed the opportunity to take control of the evening.

This is strange however because I've had a wonderfull call with my accountability partner and also a nice cuddling session with the mrs.

So, what makes me once again, and so short after these positive exchanges, fall for the gateway activities.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Today is the start of day 5.

I started with a push up routine and breakfast nad am now in the train to work. I woke up an hour before the alarm clock but this will mean that i can go back home an our early as well of course. So more time at home and with the mrs.

As i will be at work there will be no dangers, but in the train home I should come up with a strict plan for the evening to prevent me acting out like I did yesterday.