HE'S BACK! I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery

[Phineas 808]

Congrats, Shade, on the financial front- though, I hope your wife is good otherwise...!

Wishing you luck on the router end, so you can put it all out of your mind.

 

[Orbiter]

How's it going Shade? Still going strong?

Wishing you well and hoping no news is good news.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Orbiter! Thanks a lot for your post! It means a lot to me.

Ive been struggling and I've had to come to terms with the fact that I've outsmarted myself with regards to the limitations on the router. Somehow that was a big emotional setback.

I've been trying to recenter and come up with a new plan, but I've not been able to do it.

Also, lately the thoughts of just giving in are more and more present. But my wife's noticed a regression in my behaviour and that is a major red flag.

So I have no choice but to go at it again.

Day 2

 

[Orbiter]

Hey Orbiter! Thanks a lot for your post! It means a lot to me.

Ive been struggling and I've had to come to terms with the fact that I've outsmarted myself with regards to the limitations on the router. Somehow that was a big emotional setback.

I've been trying to recenter and come up with a new plan, but I've not been able to do it.

Also, lately the thoughts of just giving in are more and more present. But my wife's noticed a regression in my behaviour and that is a major red flag.

So I have no choice but to go at it again.

Day 2

Hey Shade,

Good to hear from you even if you have been experiencing some struggles as of late.

As much of a blessing as it is to have someone to share a life with, be supportive and hold you accountable, it can also go the other way in terms of feelings of pressure and guilt right? I think it's good that she was there to both observe & communicate it with you though. One more reason not to give in.

Don't feel too bad about the router. I know some people say this stuff works but really, if we're smart enough to set something like that up, chances are we're smart enough to know how to bypass or reset it right? Perhaps let's chalk it up to being an idea that could be helpful as a secondary preventative measure but not in itself a full-proof strategy. And that's okay, we now know for next time.

Another thing I would say is that, while plans are important in the long term. Don't overthink it too much or feel like you have to wait for a plan or idea to come to keep pushing forward with your recovery. The primary aim here is you're making one day at a time PMO free & handling the urges as they arise. Plans are important in the long term but they're not everything or even the main thing.

Great work on 2 days! Don't give the addict voice a moments notice Shade, just keep on going.

Wishing you well,

Orbiter

 

[EarthWalker]

I've been trying to recenter and come up with a new plan, but I've not been able to do it.

Maybe you don't need a plan. Just recenter to the heart it will do the rest.

 

[Phineas 808]

Hi, Shade!

What I was thinking when you were posting about manipulating your routers is- "Man, there's so much thought going into this, and thus ---> focus."

This 'focus' may now be shifting to "a plan"- which can be generally helpful, but hurtful if it becomes an obsession, or just another way for the beast-brain to kick around this habit. Sometimes thinking too much, even about 'not' doing it, works against us, or feeds the addiction.

You've tried this with blockers, how empowering it may be if you can say 'No' to these behaviors without blockers, manipulated routers, or the like?

I agree with Orbiter about the wife's knowing, which thankfully she's supportive. But it does add a layer of consideration that may work with us or against us. Something to certainly think about. For my own story, the level of shame attached to something my wife may say, or her questioning, or even interrogation- not to mention slight quips or jokes- are definitely something I, myself, could not deal with- and found it counter-productive to my own efforts.

Wishing you well, Shade!

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey all, thanks for all the comments.

Im doing well, day 9, and deliberately not going on to much as a new approach.

Sorry for not being here to support others at the moment. Wish you all well of course.

Take care

 

[Orbiter]

Hey all, thanks for all the comments.

Im doing well, day 9, and deliberately not going on to much as a new approach.

Sorry for not being here to support others at the moment. Wish you all well of course.

Take care

Congratulations on the 9 days Shade! Glad to hear things have been going well on your end lately.

Keep up the great work!

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Day 11

 

[particularly_respecting]

Great job Shade - sounds like the new approach is working out!

 

[EarthWalker]

How you doing Shade? Wishing you success going to 30.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hello all,
It's been almost two years since I've posted here and unfortunately I've not rid myself of the addiction.

A lot has happened in the past two years..

At the beginning of 2023 I went into a burn-out. The first 6 weeks were actually really good as I not relapsed at all.
Then slowly, I started relapsing again but, even worse than that I started being more secretive about it. I stopped letting my wife and accountability partner know and faked that I was doing well. This led me back to full addictive cycles again with me frequenting the chat sites I so often visited before I started on this journey.
Now, then in September of 2023 I met a woman on one of these sites and then I did something I've not done before; we exchanged numbers.. In the period that followed our contact intensified. What started out as something purely sexual also became emotional and turned into something called Limerence (love-addiction) for the both of us. After an intense period of 2 months where I almost booked a ticket to go and see her we broke off contact because I'd told my wife what happened.. Obviously my wife was devastated and it led me to sleep elsewhere for a week.
But, unfortunately the love addiction had a much bigger hold of me than I thought and in the 3 months that followed I kept in touch with the other woman, clinging to this fantasy that could never be real.
In the beginning of March once again I confessed to my wife what has been happening and ever since then I've been living with my mother as we are now temporarily separated and trying to fix things. (It's an immense complicated mess with my wife being reliant on me due to her sickness in both the practical and financial way).
And living here sent me into another level of despair, hopelessness and isolation. The love addiction had me so obsessed that I could barely function and I spent weeks and weeks obsessing over the loss of the other woman, while practically neglecting my own wife who is absolutely destroyed by everything.

I started relapsing on the sites again to distract myself from the other woman.. Which sort of helped. But i now focused more on the part that I was missing in my life; actually connection and intimacy..

Long story short; I've been on the chatsites, even shortly went on a dating site. I've actually met up with one of the people of the chat sites while I was on holiday(even though it was platonic). Even though everything happened I kept contact with another woman I met through the chatsite.

And the stupid thing about this; I've been in therapy since november for addiction specifically and all I've done is bullshit myself and everyone else.

I'm an absolute fool and it's time to change things because I'm so incredibly unhappy deep down. I just keep fleeing into the fake-ness of it all.
So starting now; no more chat-sites. I've cut-off contact with all other women, coming friday I'm going to visit my first S.A. meeting and i've of course come clean to everyone..
I will journal on here once more because If i don't stop now I'm really going to lose everything.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Ever since November I've come to terms with the fact that I have an addictive personality. This means that I'm susceptible to most addictions (with the exception of smoking luckily). So, as I'm unsure what to call relapsing any more (apart from PMO) so I've made a list.

• PMO
• Weed
• Alcohol

Ever since November I've relapsed once with weed (which gave me my very first panic attack) and twice with alcohol. My latest PMO relapse was a couple of weeks ago. The reason that I've also included weed and alcohol is that I used as a means to escape in the same way that I use PMO to escape. Ultimately this is a behavioural addiction and any form of addictive behaviour is to be considered a relapse. So hence me including these substances as well.
However, I've decided that I include lying and 'bullshitting' myself as well to the list of what I call relapses as I've no learned that every lie I tell myself or others is the first step towards regressive behaviour that ultimately leads to a full blown relapse.

So let's call today day 2 as I've come clean to everyone two days ago.. This is also a major part of therapy as the reason why I got addicted to P was a low self-esteem / obsessive need for validation. The goal now for me basically is two fold; 1, learn to provide myself with validation. 2, be absolutely radically honest to myself. I.e. no 'bullshit'

So today started of not so good, woke up with a bad mood and coulnd't go to the gym as it is a national holday here. But I ended up going for a run and then coming on here to post which are two very positive actions.

 

[CloseToToast]

Congrats on Day 2 shade! Restarting can be the hardest thing to do so you should be proud of that regardless of the past! Also I wanted to thank you for sharing your bad mood about the gym but the doing the right thing by going for a run and posting here. Made me reflect on when i make excuses not to do things and your post helped me realize we always have control

Hope your day is going well!

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Thanks WInkTink! And yes, we do always have control! We just love to feel like we don't as addicts.

So today was relatively ok. Started at the gym and then work, cooked and now on here. Be in bed early today. Nothing special to report other than that keeping busy helps with dealing with distracting thoughts.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Day 5.

Yesterday I got the gut-wrenching news that they found 2 masses in my fathers brain that are metastasised from a cancer elsewhere in his body. I can't even begin to describe the hopelessness I feel about this and the incredible dread and pain. Yesterday was incredibly complex in terms of emotions because my wife went with me to the hospital where my father is. It's so weird that she's still there for me after all I've put her through and to receive love and kindness. I'm incredibly grateful for it but there is also so much hurt when I look into her eyes.

Obviously the urges are more present today and I had decided to work from home. But sitting here, in this dimly lit room where I am secluded, I feel that I'm very susceptible to a relapse or bullshit behaviour so I'll go for a run and then go to work.

 

[Blondie]

I'm sorry to hear this @ShadeTrenicin.

Stay strong brother.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Day 6
Thanks Blondie!
So today is 'the day' when we are getting all the test results of the various scans and such that have been performed on my father. So it's just waiting in anticipation until we know when that is happening.
Luckily I have therapy today which will help me and tonight, if all goes well enough, I will visit my first ever SA meeting.
I'm feeling weird overall, like I'm in a freeze state without much emotions. I'm just living the days without much stress. At least it looks like it. Occasionally there are some tears but overall I feel that I'm way to calm in these times of incredible upheaval. I mean, I'm seperated from my wife, not living at home. My father has been diagnosed with cancer and I'm pretty much just living my daily life. It doesn't add up somehow.

I'll talk with my therapist about this..

 

[CloseToToast]

Day 6 Shade seriously great efforts.

Even though I am a stranger across the internet my thoughts are genuinely with you and i hope things balance out for you. I am proud of you to hear that you are doing what you can to fend off Porn and pushing forward in that regard.

One of my favorite quotes when the universe has these thing stacked against a person is this "Sometimes when you are in a dark place you think you have been buried, but actually you've been planted"

You dont know what tomorrow will bring but i know it will be better without Porn regardless of what else happens around you/to you/etc

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Thanks for your words Toast! I really, really like the quote. Great words to live by in these dark times.

So yesterday I went to my first ever Sex and Love Addiction Anonymous meeting. There were like a lot of likeminded people with problems very similar to mine, which was reassuring. However, in the meeting which took about 90 minutes, there was only 25 minutes of 'interacting' meaning you can share but not ask or comment which felt really rigid to me. The other part of the meeting was spent on rigid rituals of which the chairman of the meeting was just reading the 12 steps, the rules and other stuff. It was just reciting... And the entire practice felt so completely inefficient.... Like I would listen to people share and see and hear them struggle and the only thing I thought was, how can we help each other if we just go through a set of pre-determined motions and no be able to suggest or ask helpful questions? I mean this is of course where the sponsors are for and why you call fellow addicts but still. It almost felt like a religious ritual. Maybe this can help some people but to me it felt like just doing it for the sake of doing it..
Anyway, I'm going to give it a couple more chances.. I don't want to write this off just because I have an 'allergy' against the way the 12 steps work.. I'm going to try and pick the positive parts from it and just 'ignore' the rest..

The stupid thing is that the frustration of the meeting had me in a bad place and led me to have some urges. This can also come from the fact that my father's diagnosis is now certain; Lung cancer in both lungs that has metastasised to elsewhere in his body.. The frustrations about the meeting can be an outlet for the feelings I have about my father of course. Suffice it to say that I'm not in the best emotional state right now.

However, I recognized all my urges and bullshit thoughts around them and I've not acted on them. So I'm proud of that.
Today is day 7 and I started my day in the gym, took care of my body and nourished it. Then I did some calming meditation like practice, showered and made myself feel like a good person. The rest of the day I'm going to go to my father to spend some quality time and play piano since that is something that I enjoy and am good at.