So day 2, It's been a while since last run I was > 45 days I think. So let's reset everything and pretend I'm a newbie at this again.
Complacency has played a part in recent relapse I guess. I wrote that I needed the forum as a sort of extra. I still think that this is the case, however not being on the forum is also a sign of me not giving the addiction the much needed attention it requires. It's a chicken-egg paradox. But it's safe to say that the forum is a much needed tool in my current state of recovery. While i've been away i've not been at it alone. I've had contact with another member of this forum via other means of communication. This has helped a great deal in terms of accountability and discussion. I am deeply thankful for his time and energy.
What i've learned about myself is that my latest relapse did not have the negative impact i've expected it to have. I've been able to really accept it, rationalize it and forgive myself. This is really great, but also a really really really big pitfall; normalizing a relapse. This can be a huge gateway into relapsing more. The biggest challenge I am facing now is how to keep myself alert and active without a enforcing a negative enforcing like beating myself up or something like that. I think that self love and self forgiveness are key in dealing with any addiction. But how do you keep yourself constantly alert without being punishing?
I think this is the point that EarthWalker was trying to make in one of his previous posts in this thread and something that i've told other members on here as well; beating the addiction should be done for purely selfish reasons. 100%. Not for your partner, your family, but yourself.. To me this is where the self-love comes back into play again. If you really love yourself you will automatically find a way to keep off the addiction. It's the same when you choose an unhealthy dinner option in stead of a healthy one. When you choose to drink more than is good for you and feel the effects the next day. You know that these choises are not good for you on the longer term, but it's that short moment of instant substitute gratification.
I would dare to put it like this; If a person was fully content with himself and his current situation he would not feel the need for things that will have a negative impact on his well being.
If we over indulge in alcohol, drugs, food or porn, there is something within us that makes us unhappy. We use said things to compensate that feeling. And normally we know that it's not good for us and we pick ourselves up and limit that behaviour, but sometimes it will form into an addiction.
For me i've found out a little bit more about this. In talking with my wife and our therapist we've came to the conclusion that i've never experienced sex on an emotional level. I've developed this addiction before I've met my wife and my idea of sex was formed behind a webcam focused on the interaction I had with the girls on the other side. But it never was emotional. This has lead to me being distant in bed, not really wanting to be touched, closed for any pointers etc. What i have been missing out on all these years was true intimacy with the person I love. It has developed to a point that I now have fear related feelings regarding to sex. Everything is new and opening up and being vulnerable scares me. This has been the reason why i've never intiated sex, listened to what she really wants or to enjoy sex as something fun.
That is the current situation for me; I am afraid of true intimacy but also really craving it. I am yearning for it. This is the part inside of me that is missing. This is the part that I'm trying to replace with porn.