Guess who's back?!
After more than a year gone I've decided to revive my thread. Why?
Well, I've been doing pretty good actually! But after almost 2,5 years I've not yet beaten the addiction.
My last relapse was 5 days ago, before that 3 weeks and before that between 2-3 month increments usually.
Yes, things have improved and the time between relapses has increased but there is something preventing me from breaking through.
Also I feel like im in a very dangerous zone currently, as I'm spiraling on other aspects such as food and alcohol and weed intake.
This (partially) has something to do with the fact that my wife is still sick and not yet able to work due to long-covid after more than 2 years.
But also about me not having my shit in order. I've a lot on my plate and also started working 40 hours (in stead of 36) again to make ends meet.
Now, I've not been without any help. Firstly my wife! She's always been there. For the past year I've also had weekly calls with UKGuy and that has helped me a lot.
Besides being eachothers accountability partners, we've actually became very good friends over the past time and I'm really happy with that.
All in all I feel that as a person I've grown, especially on an emotional level.
On a lot of different aspect of my life I've improved actually, except for some key ones that are also involved in my addiction.
So I'm still an addict and I know it.
Now, the question is; what does it take / what do I need / what is missing for me to break through and go towards 4+ months?
That is something that I want to find out by starting to journal on here again.
For starters I want to summarize what has helped me and where I want to / need to improve.
What has helped me?
Working out
I've not done this for 2 years but since 3 weeks ago I've started doing so and it really helps with my self esteem.
As my self esteem is a deeply rooted issue that may very well be the root of my addiction this is a great way to help me get back on track.
Organizing
A little background information:
Besides being an addict, I also have ADHD. I've mentioned this quite some times already. But how is this important?
Well, contrary to what the general public thinks ADHD is (hyperactiveness), the main challenge for me is actually managing my energy, emotions and creating structure.
There is a lot more to it (it's in fact almost all-encompasing) but for now I'll leave it at those three as these are the ones interfering the most with my addiction.
As I am someone who lacks structure, a lot of energy goes into trying to create it without planning it.
Result; temporary structure but it costs massive amounts of energy, so a tired me.
Then there is the fact that whenever I encounter any form of struggle in my life I have difficulty self-soothing and regulating my emotions.
Result: A brief moment of emotional clarity and a tired me.
Then, in a moment of that emotional clarity, I get all hyperfocused on something that will help but I will spend all my energy and more on that solution
and will forget about the normal ongoing stuff in daily life.
Result: A very nice idea about a solutions, but a newly created mess and no energy to actually implement the solution. So i'll forget about it and the cycle starts again.
Basically I'm running around cleaning up my own mess constantly. In many aspects of my life.
So, why the focus on this when I'm actually journaling about my addiction? Well, my lack of routine has always been a MASSIVE trap when confronted with a triggering situation. Therefore, the routine response was PMO. So to counter that I wanted myself to become much more reliant on routine.
So I needed to be more organized for starters. To spend less energy on simple, basic, routine stuff.
I've been reading the book '
Atomic Habits' by James Clear (I highly recommend that book) and it has helped me learn some new positive behaviours.
It started out small, as the books indicated. Very small steps and the goal is not to focus on the goal but rather the method.
It focusses not on WHAT one wants to improve but rather on HOW one can improve.
A goal is needed of course, but the focus is on the method on how to reach your goal and also to re-iterate on your methods.
For me I started small and very easy; My wardrobe was always messy, so the first thing I wanted to change is to keep it organized.
And I started, the first week it felt weird. but as the days went by I just said to myself every night before going to bed "Organize your clothes"
Throw the dirty ones in the hamper, do a quick check of any scattered clothings and if you put something back in the closet; fold it and put it where it belongs. Ever since, my wardrobe is now always organized and it reduces my stress in the morning of finding something to wear.
And I didn't stop there! By now I'm pretty routine in things like cleaning, my laundry, cleaning up etc. It has helped to reduce quite some energy drain.
What has also helped me is that I make If-lists.
"if i'm triggered / urging I will pick up my weights and train / do a chore / walk downstairs etc.
In the past these lists were also made, but I didn't follow them.
What would I like to improve?
Meditation
This is the one that I always let go of first when I'm letting go of the good habits.
It's the one that helps the most without you noticing it.
I think the difficulty with this one is that most of the time it doesn't have the instant gratification you'dd like to feel from it.
In stead you need to practice it for quite a while to seriously start noticing the effects.
Journaling
This one goes second when I'm slipping and letting go of the good habits.
It helps me so much in structuring my thoughs and emotions. It helps me think actually.
Honesty towards myself;
One of the things that leads me to relapse is lying to myself that it isn't so bad. Or that I don't need to prepare or plan.
Or that I should be able to do it by myself and that I don't need help.
Etc, etc, etc. I think many of you can recognize these thoughs.
Communication.
Especially towards my wife. A lot of the struggles we've had in the bedroom are due to my internal monologues and untested assumptions. I alway internalize them but never express them.
See also, the point about Journaling. Journaling will help me in being better able to communicate.
Lately this has somewhat improved, but It's an improve from 0 to perhaps 2%. A little more in depth; when I internalize I get worked up and I start spiraling inside my head. This is very noticeable in my behaviour as
I will make more and more non-rational decisions / actions. I.e. I start fucking up more and more.
However, the moment I say what is going on, the stress is gone and all is well.
Self love
This is something that has improved, but I'm not there yet.
I've slowly grown in confidence but I need a prolonged period of being happy with myself and my decisions.
Self soothing
This is something deeply fundamentally psychological but it's basically the ability to tell yourself that it's ok, and it's going to be alright.
It's something that you get learned in very early childhood. It can be taught later on in life of course.
This is also related to my ADHD and emotion management. In fact when I'm really freaked out by some emotion it causes me to spiral and loose focus on the actual problem because I'm so caught up in myself and my emotions.
Recognition of my slipping behaviour in any sense.
Basically the ability to say to myself; "Hey, this is the second time this week you've smoked some weed. What's going on in my life that is making me do that?"
There is more, but let's keep it like this for now. I won't keep a structured score of all these things per day/week. But I will try to touch upon them in journaling here.
I am still a little ambiguous towards having a counter.
While it is both confronting as well as encouraging, it's also a reminder of your past slip as well as a reminder of how well you are doing.
I think there is a large psychological factor that differs from person to person. A certain limit that one has to reach for the number to stop being a confrontation and starts being an encouragement.
But for the sake of progress, let's start the old fashioned counter once more.
Today, the 18th of April I am at day 5. My goal; at least 4 months.
It feels good to be here again! I've missed you guys