HE'S BACK! I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery

ShadeTrenicin

Well-Known Member
Thanks Orbiter and batman99!

So, today is day 17 already. Barely escaped yesterday. Buildup of a lot of thing + possibility.. I started but stopped before I finished.
With the help of my accountabiilty partner i've managed to make it through the rest of the day. Today i'm feeling much much better and stronger!

Onwards!
 

ShadeTrenicin

Well-Known Member
Day 19...

Still going strong, escaped once more yesterday... Its been difficult lately. Busy project at work, doing the household, being there for my wife, online full time course and dealing with day to day stuff.. But i will prevail.. I notice that i do not take the time any more to really stop and analyse one here... I miss it. But also we normally cut screen time after 2100 (except tonight)and somehow posting does not come onto my priority list.

Anyway there is a lot to deal with and although I talk a lot more about thing i simply cannot unlearn not keeping my feelings inside withij a day.. So its a process of growth. Yet, I am pleased in which direction I am growing.



Take care my friends,
 

SebUK

Active Member
Definitely recommend making time to keep posting here! Assuming it helps you. I find it super helpful myself. Not many others we can talk to about this problem.
 

ShadeTrenicin

Well-Known Member
I agree SebNZ. I do feel that if i dont put the effort in im not taking it seriously somehow. Day 21 but im still in the danger zone.. In fact i've been surfing the danger zone for about a week now....

 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Hi Shade,

It's good that you recognise that you have been in the 'danger zone' so to speak. This feeling may also probably compounded by how busy you are? Posting and accountability is important but don't beat yourself up if you need to prioritise life over journaling here and there. As long as we're still PMO free and working towards the life & person we want to be, we're doing ok.

Also Don't forget, this particular period of days is usually the most difficult. I'm sure if you focus on getting through each day, one at a time, you'll be in a better place soon enough.

Keep up the good work! Wishing you and Mrs Trenicin well.
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Hello, Shade.

Started reading your journal, and am looking forward to your journey.

Good that you recognize what is a 'danger zone' to you. Do you have a plan for such a place? Is it a matter of strengthening your resolve somehow? Is it a matter of changing the little habits around the unwanted habit?

I know from your earlier posts that you informed your wife of your struggles. Sometimes if I need a strong motivator, I recall the horror on my wife's face when I told her on a couple of different occasions of my secret activities... the pain on her face, the feelings of betrayal, the feelings of her thinking that she's not good enough or beautiful.

These are hard things to think about, the pain we cause our significant other. But if it helps to save you from the danger zone, then for the better...

Rooting for you.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Any updates Shade? Hopefully the danger zone is beginning to pass by this time.

Still rooting for you! Stay strong, be well.
 

Sanders

Active Member
Hey Shade,

Hope all is well with you! December 1st was your 21st day, I hope you managed to escape the danger zone and you're now at day 35 somewhere. If not, I hope you're doing alright yourself. There is no shame or judgement in this forum, just people who genuinly want to help and make each other move towards a better place in life.

You wrote earlier that you were expecting difficult times ahead because of personal situations, I trust you can manage these environmental changes and focus on what grounds you in your recovery. In a programme I use, the things or people that are most important in our recovery journey are called 'anchors'. They ground you, they form your base, and you can rely on them. An anchor can be either a person, a passion, or a purpose. Something that you can fixate on and that'll make you think twice when in difficult situations. I hope you can find your anchor(s), or something similar that may help you.

All the best, we're here rooting for you!
 

imsorrynotsorry

Active Member
Hey Shade,

i wish you a very good start to this new year. For most of us, it can't get more worse than the last year was.
Keep up the fight, we're tracking along.

Imsor
 

ShadeTrenicin

Well-Known Member
Hi All,

It's been quite a while since I've been on here, and I'm pleased to report that I am doing quite well.

First of all I wish you all the best for this coming year. I wish you all good health and a year in which you rid yourself of the demon that is PMO.

Here all is well, I'm at day 26 currently and before my last relapse on december 15, I was also at around 30. Things are going well so to say.

I've not been on here for a while because the forum in itself became a sort of addiction. Each day i was checking multiple times and had to respond to everyone. This was something that I needed to disconnect from for my own benefit.  I do come online every once in a while and I do keep up with everyone I was following.  And I'm also delighted to see that there are a lot of new members as well. This means that people are becoming more and more aware of the dangers of porn addiction.

The other reason I am not on here so much anymore is that I have an accountability partner, UKguy from the 40+ section. I think I've mentioned this earlier.
Although the forum is a great source of information and everyone is of great help and very supportive, having an accountability partner is the little extra that was needed for me. It goes beyond the anonymity of this forum, but that is also it's power; having two people with the same problem that can discuss it without any shame. It's really liberating to talk so freely about this subject. And because we can talk so freely about it face to face the shame goes away. And without shame it's easier to adress the issues and problems surrounding PMO.

I would recommend everyone of you to also look for an accountability partner. The issue of anonimity can be scary but once you overcome this it is actually liberating. For me it was te best choice because for me UKguy is not only an accountability partner but also becoming a friend.

I hope you all will have a kick ass year. I will be coming on here to check in every once in a while and keep up to date with every one of you guys
 

NewStart04

Member
Wish there was a like option so that I could like your last post.

Glad to hear about your current progress. I remember you being a very positive and supportive member, but I understand the desire to distance yourself from the forum. I too have noticed that I can fall into obsessively checking them, and that it isn't the best for my mental health.

Looking forward to reading more about your successful recovery.

Take care
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Hi Shade,

I am glad to hear of the leaps & bounds you are making in yourself and your journey of healing & recovery. Though the forum has not been the same without your support, insights & persistent positivity, it also sounds like you have found a path forward that is working well for you and that's great to read. We are still here for support if you feel you need it and I am looking forward to hearing more of your continuing progress next time you are inclined to drop by.

Keep up the great work!
 

Wolfman

Active Member
Hey, I really hope you're doing well Shade. Glad to hear that finding somebody else to talk face to face about this has been a positive development for you. Rooting for you to erase this demon as well as transform yourself to be the best version you can ever be! Cheers Shade! Keep well!
 

ShadeTrenicin

Well-Known Member
Hey guys,

Thanks for your well wishes!

Everything on this end is going pretty well actually. Although I had a slip up 19 days ago, i'm doing great. In fact the Mrs and I finally had sex yesterday and it was amazing. It has been 18 months. This is of course also due to the fact that after 13 months she's still not recovered from COVID unfortunately. However, things are going better and better with her (albeit in a slow pace) and yesterday was perfect.
It was great but also a bit unreal because it's the first time that we had sex since i've been recovering. So all sorts of thoughts were going through my head but I managed to remain open and in constant contact with her which was nice! It was actually so nice that at one point it was so intense that she had to get her inhaler because we induced an asthma attack with her.. Thanks COVID!

Anyhow, I've been away for quite a while but every once in a while I still pop in to see how everyone is doing.I'm still in very regular contact with UKGuy and that relationship is working quite well for us.


Thats it for now, take care all.
 

ShadeTrenicin

Well-Known Member
Guess who's back?!

After more than a year gone I've decided to revive my thread. Why?

Well, I've been doing pretty good actually! But after almost 2,5 years I've not yet beaten the addiction.
My last relapse was 5 days ago, before that 3 weeks and before that between 2-3 month increments usually.
Yes, things have improved and the time between relapses has increased but there is something preventing me from breaking through.
Also I feel like im in a very dangerous zone currently, as I'm spiraling on other aspects such as food and alcohol and weed intake.
This (partially) has something to do with the fact that my wife is still sick and not yet able to work due to long-covid after more than 2 years.
But also about me not having my shit in order. I've a lot on my plate and also started working 40 hours (in stead of 36) again to make ends meet.

Now, I've not been without any help. Firstly my wife! She's always been there. For the past year I've also had weekly calls with UKGuy and that has helped me a lot.
Besides being eachothers accountability partners, we've actually became very good friends over the past time and I'm really happy with that.

All in all I feel that as a person I've grown, especially on an emotional level.
On a lot of different aspect of my life I've improved actually, except for some key ones that are also involved in my addiction.

So I'm still an addict and I know it.

Now, the question is; what does it take / what do I need / what is missing for me to break through and go towards 4+ months?
That is something that I want to find out by starting to journal on here again.

For starters I want to summarize what has helped me and where I want to / need to improve.

What has helped me?

Working out

I've not done this for 2 years but since 3 weeks ago I've started doing so and it really helps with my self esteem.
As my self esteem is a deeply rooted issue that may very well be the root of my addiction this is a great way to help me get back on track.

Organizing
A little background information:
Besides being an addict, I also have ADHD. I've mentioned this quite some times already. But how is this important?
Well, contrary to what the general public thinks ADHD is (hyperactiveness), the main challenge for me is actually managing my energy, emotions and creating structure.
There is a lot more to it (it's in fact almost all-encompasing) but for now I'll leave it at those three as these are the ones interfering the most with my addiction.
As I am someone who lacks structure, a lot of energy goes into trying to create it without planning it.
Result; temporary structure but it costs massive amounts of energy, so a tired me.
Then there is the fact that whenever I encounter any form of struggle in my life I have difficulty self-soothing and regulating my emotions.
Result: A brief moment of emotional clarity and a tired me.
Then, in a moment of that emotional clarity, I get all hyperfocused on something that will help but I will spend all my energy and more on that solution
and will forget about the normal ongoing stuff in daily life.
Result: A very nice idea about a solutions, but a newly created mess and no energy to actually implement the solution. So i'll forget about it and the cycle starts again.

Basically I'm running around cleaning up my own mess constantly. In many aspects of my life.
So, why the focus on this when I'm actually journaling about my addiction? Well, my lack of routine has always been a MASSIVE trap when confronted with a triggering situation. Therefore, the routine response was PMO. So to counter that I wanted myself to become much more reliant on routine.

So I needed to be more organized for starters. To spend less energy on simple, basic, routine stuff.
I've been reading the book 'Atomic Habits' by James Clear (I highly recommend that book) and it has helped me learn some new positive behaviours.
It started out small, as the books indicated. Very small steps and the goal is not to focus on the goal but rather the method.
It focusses not on WHAT one wants to improve but rather on HOW one can improve.
A goal is needed of course, but the focus is on the method on how to reach your goal and also to re-iterate on your methods.
For me I started small and very easy; My wardrobe was always messy, so the first thing I wanted to change is to keep it organized.
And I started, the first week it felt weird. but as the days went by I just said to myself every night before going to bed "Organize your clothes"
Throw the dirty ones in the hamper, do a quick check of any scattered clothings and if you put something back in the closet; fold it and put it where it belongs. Ever since, my wardrobe is now always organized and it reduces my stress in the morning of finding something to wear.
And I didn't stop there! By now I'm pretty routine in things like cleaning, my laundry, cleaning up etc. It has helped to reduce quite some energy drain.
What has also helped me is that I make If-lists.

"if i'm triggered / urging I will pick up my weights and train / do a chore / walk downstairs etc.
In the past these lists were also made, but I didn't follow them.

What would I like to improve?

Meditation

This is the one that I always let go of first when I'm letting go of the good habits.
It's the one that helps the most without you noticing it.
I think the difficulty with this one is that most of the time it doesn't have the instant gratification you'dd like to feel from it.
In stead you need to practice it for quite a while to seriously start noticing the effects.

Journaling
This one goes second when I'm slipping and letting go of the good habits.
It helps me so much in structuring my thoughs and emotions. It helps me think actually.

Honesty towards myself;
One of the things that leads me to relapse is lying to myself that it isn't so bad. Or that I don't need to prepare or plan.
Or that I should be able to do it by myself and that I don't need help.
Etc, etc, etc. I think many of you can recognize these thoughs.

Communication.
Especially towards my wife. A lot of the struggles we've had in the bedroom are due to my internal monologues and untested assumptions. I alway internalize them but never express them.
See also, the point about Journaling. Journaling will help me in being better able to communicate.
Lately this has somewhat improved, but It's an improve from 0 to perhaps 2%. A little more in depth; when I internalize I get worked up and I start spiraling inside my head. This is very noticeable in my behaviour as
I will make more and more non-rational decisions / actions. I.e. I start fucking up more and more.

However, the moment I say what is going on, the stress is gone and all is well.

Self love
This is something that has improved, but I'm not there yet.
I've slowly grown in confidence but I need a prolonged period of being happy with myself and my decisions.

Self soothing
This is something deeply fundamentally psychological but it's basically the ability to tell yourself that it's ok, and it's going to be alright.
It's something that you get learned in very early childhood. It can be taught later on in life of course.
This is also related to my ADHD and emotion management. In fact when I'm really freaked out by some emotion it causes me to spiral and loose focus on the actual problem because I'm so caught up in myself and my emotions.

Recognition of my slipping behaviour in any sense.
Basically the ability to say to myself; "Hey, this is the second time this week you've smoked some weed. What's going on in my life that is making me do that?"


There is more, but let's keep it like this for now. I won't keep a structured score of all these things per day/week. But I will try to touch upon them in journaling here.


I am still a little ambiguous towards having a counter.
While it is both confronting as well as encouraging, it's also a reminder of your past slip as well as a reminder of how well you are doing.
I think there is a large psychological factor that differs from person to person. A certain limit that one has to reach for the number to stop being a confrontation and starts being an encouragement.

But for the sake of progress, let's start the old fashioned counter once more.
Today, the 18th of April I am at day 5. My goal; at least 4 months.



It feels good to be here again! I've missed you guys
 
Last edited:

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Welcome back, Shade. Though we may not have connected much prior, I've always admired your encouragement of others here.

I like your questions format, which I've created a list of questions on my journal recently which is helping me tremendously right now. I have 6 core questions and like 30 'special questions' which I choose from randomly whenever I check in- and it's breathed new life into my approach.

Hope to be of help to you on your renewed efforts.
 
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