Becoming a better me

[W4tchmak3r]

A quick note

Happy with the progress that I'm making, but my sleep schedule is consistent weak spot for me. It is important for me to have a regular wakeup time that I do not compromise on moving forward.

9pm all work will stop, 10pm I'll be in my room. 6am I will be up and start work.

 

[W4tchmak3r]

Cheers

I'm not really sure what sort of advice to give, other than simply wishing you good luck. Your prioritization of self-realization over seeking relationships is the way to go, keep that up for sure

cheers man, I appreciate the sentiment.

The past 2 days have been incredible. Haven’t gotten a chance to get to bed earlier, so I’m looking forward to getting more hours tomorrow night

 

[W4tchmak3r]

This week was huge and very productive. I fear I’ve bitten off more than I can handle commitment wise this semester of Uni and that the stress is getting to me.

I seem to have random things with my health still just going wrong and bothering me which seems to be stressing me more. It’s always a game in my head of “should I go to the doctor or not”, because they’re all relatively recent, so I guess I’ll just give it another week and take it from there.

Habits wise I’m going pretty well. The most difficult thing to fix so far has been my sleeping pattern, which I also largely feel is due to stress. My libido has also completely tanked; I haven’t had a hard on in nearly 3 weeks, no desire to MO or really have sex. The latter is actually a blessing for me as sex has been a bit of a hinderance on my self improvement this year. I am still very much sexually attracted/hungry for real women when I’m out and about though and I’m using this to practice approaching strangers and being a lot more outgoing than usual. I don’t have time for numbers/dates/sex atm but it feels great to challenge myself and push myself into confrontation.

I’m going to plan in an afternoon/evening off this week. Maybe I’ll go see that new Spider-Man movie or go shopping.

 

[W4tchmak3r]

Had a slip up today.

Not giving myself time off is biting me in the ass so I'm taking Sunday afternoon off so I can actually chill out.

Going to be completely clean between now and the 18th. I will stay focused on the tasks at hand so I can enjoy my time off.

Looking forward to the gym

 

[W4tchmak3r]

My 21st was yesterday, and I don't think I'll be drinking like that again for at least a year. I think my liver doesn't work properly becuase my hangovers are seriously brutal.

In other news, I'm going to take a break from this forum for a while.

Getting rid of P dependency and improving my sex life is important to me, but it's not my only life focus. I understand the value in this community for many, however, I see many people (including myself) using it as a bland form of validation and as a way to simply complain about the things that upset them rather than fixing the things that they need to fix in their lives.

Undoubtedly this forum helps many people, which is fantastic. But it's just not for me right now. It was useful to confront my own insecurity using this forum again, but I've got other things to learn, work to do, books to read and people to meet rather than regularly scrolling a forum about P.

This is just my experience, but taking the focus off of P and back onto fixing everything else in my life has given me massive dividends, especially towards actually breaking the P/MO habit, which is cruely ironic. I feel unstoppable for the first time in my life and in control of the habits that I form.

I would very much recommend seriously searching and following some life improvment channels as this has been excellent for me thus far. I won't go into details, but go outside, meet some more people and for the love of god go to the gym. Your health is your entire life. Not treating your health as the highest priority is treating your very existence as something disposable and not valuing the only life that you have been given.

Anyway best of luck everyone on their own journey, I'll be at the gym, reading books, talking to girls and grabbing life by the balls.

See you round friends

 

[W4tchmak3r]

 

[W4tchmak3r]

I'm not happy with my sex life. I can't shake the feeling of being inadequate. My sexual attraction to real women feels on and off. I think this is routed in my need to constantly perform for and please others. Actually thats why I must feel so at peace with pornography. I think I just blew my mind.

 

[W4tchmak3r]

This journal can be quite a dark place for me so this entry will be a bit different.

There are many things that happened last year that I am deeply grateful for (joined a new band, some good grades and great uni classes, sexually explored for the first time and then met my girlfriend).

But there are definitely some things I am ashamed of. I took a dive into the Red Pill community, which was really just out of curiosity, as I had close friends that were dependent on it for emotional support. I am ashamed of some of the resentment I started to harbour for women during this time and how selfish and materialistic I started to become.

Eventually I started to really see how sickening this all was and how it was not what I needed. Honestly, I am a little sad that I had to become that type of person to sexually explore, as I always felt that me being comfortable with my sexual exploration would be me embracing myself in a way I never have really done before. There definitely was some self acceptance and liberation. I just wish I had not been around such negativity during the time is all. But I am grateful for the fun experiences I had and for the things I learned from the rough experiences.

I have been slowly changing my life recently. I have gotten a girlfriend, I have moved out, I am spending time with new people. I am prioritising joy and kindness and instead of worrying about accepting the person I am, I am focusing on visualising who I want to be and following suite.

Exercise is wonderful and I cannot wait until university and gym opens again (they are currently flooded as I live in Brisbane) to return to smashing my study and fitness goals. A fantastic new addition to my life has been the adoption of a bullet journal. I have always been a list maker, a planner and sometimes I get carried away with this. But this journal just helps me track so much of my life and I feel so organised, so in control and so prepared and excited for things to come. Not like "oh, shit, that's happening? Ahhh I'll see if I can get it done".

Additionally I made some monthly goals in the journal which I am thrilled to say I have smashed all of them, including to be without porn for the entirety of February. My sex life recently has been beautiful with this new girl and it is fantastic to not even have to worry about porn. I have never gone 2 months before, so I added it to my goal and I'm so excited to tick off all those boxes in a months time again )

Stay happy and healthy guys

 

[W4tchmak3r]

Thought I'd just write some thoughts down here as I want to get them out someplace a little more substantial than my own private notes.

Life is great, I had a really big and awesome day today. I am super keen for tomorrow and I want to get an early night. I want to go to the gym soon, maybe I should do that tomorrow morning. I think I will now. As keen as I am to see people tomorrow (including my girl) I am also keen to get some really productive work done. I really want to make a start on my assignments and get ahead in them. I should write down when I want to have them done by. I already know this weekend will be a big one. That's okay, I've had a lot of fun weekends and I'm happy to buckle down now.

I am glad I earned some money today and attending more live lectures (legend). This Semester is already so much better. Life feels a little like a fever dream still because of how much everything has changed but I just feel so joyous with everything that is happening. I still have my moments, but life feels like a fuckin ride right now.

The only thing that's really bothering me at the moment is porn and its influence on my sex life. I realise that I do not have a long term plan to get rid of porn.... I do not think I really need one at this point. I want to treat it like junk food and have a healthy/splurge relationship with it, but I think I have to realise that it has been a pretty big problem for me. Even though alcohol is widely enjoyed by most people in moderation with that kinda "junk food" mentality where it doesn't bother them, an alcoholic can't really have a splurge every now and then. They call it sober for a reason. I guess the hardest part is admitting that you're an alcoholic and I guess that's why they have AA. I guess that's what this place is. I have hated this forum for a long time to be honest with you and I always thought it was poison for my mind. Don't get me wrong, there are many things I do not like about this space and I mean nothing against Gabe or anyone here, it just has to do with my personal attitude towards my health and the sort of space I 'blend' with.

But here I am typing up an entry on a porn sobriety forum that I've been on since I've been 14. I am a porn addict and that's okay. I think most people are. I feel like porn gives me more trouble than it does most people, but its at least enough trouble personally that it has been an issue for me for a while. Part of my childhood experiences and my reasoned perception of mental health makes me pretty averse to believing diagnoses are helpful, but, I think for the first time I feel pretty comfortable about admitting that I'm a porn addict. Its not a guilt or a personal disappointment, its just who I am and how I handle it. I also don't metabolise alcohol very well. It's just who I am and it certainly doesn't make my life any less awesome.

Cold turkey or 'sobriety' is a bit of a scary concept for me. Most of the reason I like alcohol, despite it being clearly unhealthy, is due to the novelty of the experience. The essence of the taste I find fascinating and complex. I have experienced those things with pornography before and felt a sense of deep fulfilment from some of the things I have experienced. However, I know there is another world out there. Close one door and another two shall open. I don't wanna be vague here, I want my sex life to be great and there is so much of it, including of my masturbation time, that is inhibited directly or indirectly to porn. I can reflect on countless negatives in this department and of countless times I have recognised and attempted to recede from the habit.

So, in closing I need a sobriety plan. There is value in being sober from porn, I know it and I will not let myself forget it. That's a lesson I need to bang my head against the wall with. There is no value for me in porn, and infinitely so away from it. I have always taken myself seriously, but this is a pretty big change in my entire mindset. I guess the size of this entry is telling of that. Good job if you're still with me. I think you're very handsome x

I don't wanna just say to myself "okay lets make a month" because I don't wanna PMO at the end of the month. But I know it's great to have something small to set your sights on. I almost feel like I should make some kinda ritual or something to send off porn, makes it feel official like a proper promise to myself that I can remember and feel special about when I reflect on the choice. I'm gonna plan something to do this week for that. I think I might walk/ride somewhere and write a note and leave it there. I'm keen.

Anyway I'm tired. I hope you're having a nice week if you're reading this. Feel free to DM me and ask me about my story or my life, I'm keen to offer my hand around here from now on )

Thanks guys, stay strong and stay healthy <3

 

[W4tchmak3r]

Journal Entry

Things are going great but boy am I stressed. I'm really thankful for my girlfriend being so nurturing and grounding in recent times, particularly with amassing university work. Today, I will take a step back and look forward to the fun things about my day. I am really keen to cook dinner tonight, so see some great people at uni, to knock out some assessment and to play some drums.

I spoke with my gf about my decision to quit porn in the long run and we talked about a few different things. She has no problem with it, or of me choosing to watch it in the relationship, granted that it has no impact on our sex lives. I am very thankful for her understanding. She asked me if I thought there was any time when I would watch it and feel good about it, and I just replied that I would rather be having sex or masturbating using my imagination.

So I did something special for myself and I wrote a note to myself by the lake to be rid of this for a whole year, at least to start. I'm sick of being free for a month and then getting bothered by it again. I want my sex life to be the best it possibly can and porn is just hindering that, so its gotta go.

Anyway I have a day to catch, the birds are bumpin outside so I'm gonna go join them

 

[W4tchmak3r]

Waddup

If you're reading this, I'm curious as to what to what your day tomorrow would be like if it went exactly the way you wanted? It's something I've done from time to time but I'm keen to see what you guys have to say other than "No PMO" hahaha

 

[ActivistNotWacktivist]

Waddup

If you're reading this, I'm curious as to what to what your day tomorrow would be like if it went exactly the way you wanted? It's something I've done from time to time but I'm keen to see what you guys have to say other than "No PMO" hahaha

I'll give it a shot, in a decently realistic way. I'm not sure yet whether or not I'm going to work tomorrow, so I'll just go with "yes" on that.

I wake up with a plentiful amount of energy despite waking up only 20.5 hours earlier. I make time for breakfast, and avoid my weird erection behaviors.

At work: Things are as quiet as they can be, there's no inaerobic labor to be done, the machines that I use don't have any hiccups, I don't injure myself at all, and overall there's a sense of covinience.

After work I manage to retain some energy. I use it for a mixture of playing my instruments/using Reboot Nation and other good pockets of the Internet/maybe something less common like reading a book. I wouldn't be ready to go back to the gym yet.

Sometime after dinner, there's a knock at the door. I open it, and am met with a cute but unfamiliar face. She explains why she's there: She's a Zodiac expert and believes that her perfect match would be a Scorpio with mild Asperger's. She describes the way in which those 2 characteristics blend, and how they interact with her own sign (and possibly her own quirks too). She explains how she obtained all of this information on me, and somehow it makes sense. We hang out at her place that night (which is conviently located nearby), learning more about each other. That night marks the beginning of a romantic relationship, one that lasts for a lifetime.

 

[W4tchmak3r]

I'll give it a shot, in a decently realistic way. I'm not sure yet whether or not I'm going to work tomorrow, so I'll just go with "yes" on that.

I wake up with a plentiful amount of energy despite waking up only 20.5 hours earlier. I make time for breakfast, and avoid my weird erection behaviors.

At work: Things are as quiet as they can be, there's no inaerobic labor to be done, the machines that I use don't have any hiccups, I don't injure myself at all, and overall there's a sense of covinience.

After work I manage to retain some energy. I use it for a mixture of playing my instruments/using Reboot Nation and other good pockets of the Internet/maybe something less common like reading a book. I wouldn't be ready to go back to the gym yet.

Sometime after dinner, there's a knock at the door. I open it, and am met with a cute but unfamiliar face. She explains why she's there: She's a Zodiac expert and believes that her perfect match would be a Scorpio with mild Asperger's. She describes the way in which those 2 characteristics blend, and how they interact with her own sign (and possibly her own quirks too). She explains how she obtained all of this information on me, and somehow it makes sense. We hang out at her place that night (which is conviently located nearby), learning more about each other. That night marks the beginning of a romantic relationship, one that lasts for a lifetime.

Trust you to make an interesting entry like this dude! Thanks for the input Reading is a great one and something that I want to be doing more of myself, particularly cuz I have to prep for medical exams coming so soon. Also I recently read that you're a drummer which is pretty dope cuz so am I! And tha's a pretty sweet romantic dream but I have to say she isnt gonna come to you my man, you gotta go and find her

 

[W4tchmak3r]

The perfect day:
Wake up next ot my girl, early enough to catch the end of the sunrise, walk outside and take a deep breath and listen to the world around me waking up.
Get a big drink of water, make some super yummy coffee with my homemade oatmilk that I have perfected (nearly there lol).
Take off on a bike ride around the area to get that cardio happening, either that or gym.
Come back, quick shower, dress up fiiine, make a super yummy bowl of stovetop porridge and pack lunch for the day.
Go to uni and have a super invovled day. Say hi to lots of people and learn some cool sh*t. Make sure that I keep on top of my research.
Come back home for drums and some dinner, then head in for a cheeky evening study sesh.
If I go home alone, to clean up my room and get the day set for tomorrow. Have a shower, brush and floss, read my book, put some tunes on. Otherwise spend time with the lady (tunes also included)
Deeeep sleep and laugh at myself the next morning when my sleep app records me snorting/babbling in my sleep lmao.

Weekends are for partying and actually knockig off when I have worked my butt off all week.

Still wanna hear other ppl's ideas!

 

[W4tchmak3r]

I’m quite tired, but I still need to read my book. I should do that over dinner. I didn’t get a whole lot done today but I’m glad I got some rest after the past few days being super intense. I got to play drums which was great too and I’m really keen to pick up my girl from her trip away tomorrow morning. So excited for the Easter break! It’s going to be wonderful. Poor girl is having some trouble with her ex but she’s a strong bitch so it’ll sort out, plus I’ve got her back anyway. Keen to get drunk at uni tomorrow for *science* and yes that’s what we do in pharmacology I guess hahaha. Going to get a lot done. I feel like I’ve made a bit of a life hack recently with my vegan mince I cooked the other night. It’s so yummy and spicy and healthy. I do have some intrusive thoughts throughout the day about my gf’s past but just gently reminding myself that her past makes her who she is now and I’m super grateful for that. I think this is coming from the fact that when we got to know each other sexually and develop a bond (even though there were restrictions on it) we weren’t exclusive. I was naive back then which is why I didn’t feel jealous or insecure, and it’s taken some time since we have been exclusive for those feelings to fade. I’m really happy with how I’ve gone with them though, and it just makes me all the more excited for where our relationship is going.

anways I just got home and I’m thinking about my awesome day tomorrow, I’m so excited to kiss her when I pick her up.

I guess I should mention that things have been fine with P. I really clearly understand what is and isn’t seeking behaviour. Since turning away from it, it’s exposed some pretty big time wasting behaviours of mine. Rather than dwelling on that I wanna stick to reading and further improving my study habits. I’m really excited for the comfort to come in my sex life in the next few months and for the time away with my gf. I think it’s important to remind myself at this time that I’m doing this for me. I have grown a lot recently and even if I was still single, the state I am in now I can easily see would give me the same strength to make this change even if I wasn’t with her. She has been such a great help and I love that, but it’s important to know I’ve got my own back even without her )

anyway time to eat some super yummy food and smash some Brandon Sanderson

 

[W4tchmak3r]

I’m in the middle of a pretty huge assessment grind for uni. I have let me time management run away from me a bit and I’m paying for it, but I am doing some pretty intense courses. The holiday was nice over Easter and I did dedicate some time to work. When this is all over I will probably take an evening/night to rest but I’m really keen to get back on top of the lecture content I’m sacrificing at the moment for my assignments.

I’ve had some pretty strong cravings to watch porn recently. I’m going back on Instagram pretty periodically to get spiked by ads for girls on meme pages. i just unfollowed the page that’s been doing that And I need to remember my promise to myself. I’ve got this, I’ve been going great so far and if I can make it through this I can make it through anything. Almost at a whole month!

 

[W4tchmak3r]

Gosh darn that was a lot of work! I managed to get it all done which was awesome and I took some time today to recover cuz I was *wasted*... turns out studying for nearly 24hours straight will do that to you lol. Got so many things to be thankful of at the moment and life is super good. Almost at a full month and oh boy am I enjoying the dividends with my partner. My quality of erections are so much better, I get way more turned on and I feel so much more relaxed. Definitely doing great for my mental health. Its tough to avoid looking at stuff sometimes but I'm staying true to the promise I made myself and it's smooth sailing.

Time to get 1.5 lectures done, then spend some time with my girl

 

[W4tchmak3r]

Day 32/365 down

had a great day today. I wish I was exercising more but this isn’t a large priority at the moment. I do feel it’s one of the big things holding my mental health back. I’m going to be up and moving at 8am tomorrow. I’m looking forward to making some great progress on instrument, to catching up to all of my lectures and doing some grocery shopping. I would love to ride my bike to the shops for some exercise, 2 birds one stone

 

[W4tchmak3r]

I'm having some trouble focussing, so I'll set a focus timer for my work. I have a really great show I'm watching tonight and I need to make sure I get enough done. I want to do some more reflections on my days before I fall asleep each night. Do some goal setting for the next day.

I had a slipup with P today. I didn't see anything, I just went snooping for stuff on facebook. I am bigger and better than this and I made myself a promise. I need to keep it. Day 45 and counting, onward and upward

 

[W4tchmak3r]

Day 52, hit the big 50 a few days ago which is awesome.

I still find myself digging every now and then for P through social media, and I really need to cut this habit. Taking my phone into the bathroom is absolutely a trigger, so I need to limit that. I think keeping my phone on the far side of the sink is a great habit, as its a regular thing that allows me to keep music playing when I shower. Also a 5min timeout from my phone once or twice a day really isnt gonna hurt me.

I've also been dialing back on the whole MO thing a bit too. I've had great erections and I've been enjoying them, but it feels a bit like MO is pulling me away from my partner a little sexually and I wanna refocus on her and being more present.

Got a head cold and I've been doing some gratitidue journalling agian which is awesome. Anyway off to nap