Status update, I had to restart
Scrolling through social media and giving in to the triggers kept escalating. I ended up downloading reddit cuz I wanted to check something out a mate sent me on it but then it was bad news from there.
To add insult to injury, the day I fully relapsed was at midnight after a really special night with my partner. I couldn’t sleep and was restless in bed, took my phone to the bathroom. I was going to check out the thing my mate sent me but I knew I would be tempted. Did it anyway. Started scrolling, found stuff very easily. I had to force it out of me but I did it and I felt so horrible.
I came clean with my partner the next opportunity I could tell her as both she and I are very busy with study. She was pretty let down and took some time to get back to me about it and said that it made her feel pretty insecure about my desire for her. I felt kinda doomed when this happened and admittedly thought I was going to do it again but how hurt she got made it real for me and it made me realise I didn't want to hurt myself any more. But I promised to her- and to myself- that I wouldnt and now here I am again. And I'm trying again because I made myself a goal. Just becuase I failed the first time doesnt mean I can't get there the second time, or whatever it takes. Its happening and there is a sense of peace in that.
Granted I have been pretty stressed and haven't honestly had much time alone, so it is a comfort for me to go back to porn. I haven't been having a lot of time by myself where I am actually thankful, happy and present with my time, so porn feels like a guilty pleasure.
It was pretty confusing to me as to why I did this when my sex life has been so fantastic and I want to invest really dearly into my partner. Admittidely, this is the first time I have consciously invested solely on one person sexually and it has come with some blowback. Growing up consuming excessive amounts of porn (so many different scenes and possibly up to 50 different women a night) and constantly looking at women pervertedly has made me always hungry for more. That's why I have been scrolling social media. thats why I find it so hard to tear my eyes away from women when I'm in public.
But I realise this is not who I want to be. I can appreciate beauty but I know there is a huge difference in sexual attraction. As a straight man its the same if I saw a really hot dude walk by. Sure I'd check him out, but its purely admiration. I woulnd't persit and imagine.
Anyway, I have come to realise that I really really just want to focus on my partner. I love her and I know how great our sex lives are and how awesome they can come to be. I am trying to be strict on myself about where my eyes go. And remind myself of what I want to invest in. I know it sounds weird to force that, like I shouldnt have to if I find my partner so attractive, but just growing up this way its been difficult to let go of. I'm sure it comes from a place of insecurity. But that makes me feel confident that I can rise above it and choose who I want to be.
So yeah time to be more honest with myself about why I am on social media. not only that, but channeling temptation both for virtual and for real visual "consumption" towards thinking about my partner and all the great opportunities I have with her. I have such a great thing going I really don't wanna screw this one up.
Apologies for the somewhat lengthy entry, I have been studying all day and am quite sick of organising my thoughts at this point. I have been meaning to do some kind of cerimonious "send off" like I did last time, but havent had the time. I still would like to do something nice for myself individually again sometime soon, but idk if I need a huge send off. I already did one, I gotta stick to that. My time alone can just be to celebrate in myself for my persistance towards my efforts and reaffirm my direction, as well as just enjoying some solace. In that regard I haven't been counting the "days", but I am content in saying that one year from right now is June. So, I have until June next year to prove myself, not backing down from this one dude.
Peace and good to check back in
Keep it up