fresh start...

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Im telling myself that today I will not use, not thinking about tomorrow, just today, one day at a time, I do not want to use porn today.

Day 1
That's right. It actually works that way. We will be clean one day at a time. I don't know how tomorrow is gon be, but I know that today I won't do anything stupid. Tomorrow, the same. Don't allow this relapse to fuck up everything for you. You can't go back to stop the relapse but you can start now strong and do even better. Stay strong!
 

OrangeSpider

Active Member
I got yesterday home from work and was alone without wife and kids and I went straight to porn, just mindless drifted into it. I need to combat against that idea of giving myself permission for comfort and ease after hard work. I don't now were I picked that up, but it ungirds my subconscious in such a primitive and powerful way, that even though I think hard and commit hard about stoping this vice, I get to these crossroad moments were I have opportunity and I am emotionally tired and I just go for it without consideration. How the heck do I cut that damn perverted value down?! It always gets to me.

Day 1 (again and too soon).
 

OrangeSpider

Active Member
Im still holding on. Yesterday was rough. I was at home and my wife was out for a few hours, but I kept distracting myself with the kids and cooking.

Day 5
 

OrangeSpider

Active Member
Today I meddled in my head with urges and surfed a on the edges of social media for provocative content. Luckily I was at home and my wife and kids kept on fighting for my attention, which I eventually took as a sign of the universe to spend my time and energy and more valuable and worthy things.

Day 6
 

OrangeSpider

Active Member
I have been busy at work this first half of the week, so I've been good, no urges. Today I have the mornin off and some time to myself, therefore I am here, reminding me of my why's to stop. Urges have been low.

Day 9
 

OrangeSpider

Active Member
This weekend did not go well. I just gave in, and after that I kept giving in again and again. Total mindlessness. Pure primitive and animal behavior. The opposite of what my goals are and betraying the reasons why I want to do this.

Day 2
 

OrangeSpider

Active Member
Same thing again this morning, after 4 clean ones. I dont know what is going on. I had a good focus and commitment, but it seems I lost grip of that special place. Im wondering how do I recover it again. I will be working on this. Reflecting on my why and considering seriously pros and cons.
 

OrangeSpider

Active Member
Day 6

Yesterday was rough, all day at home and looking for doorway stuff scrolling through social media; but somehow I made it.
 

OrangeSpider

Active Member
Day 4

Went down on Tuesday, back to day 4.

I was on Wednesday at work and heard someone mention it was Ash Wednesday. A practice in the christian faith that represents contrition of sin, and begins the 40 day season of lent, which is a season of reflection 40 days prior to easter, which is the Sunday of remembrance of the resurrection of Jesus, the savior of the world (I had to do allot of reading to get all those details). I am not a very religious person, but I thought that I would try it. During my lunch break I went to the service and after some reading and prayer they called people to a line, and one by one the priest dipped his fingers in ash and made a cross shape on each persons forehead. The rest of the day I had a weird cross shaped stain on my face. I

Since then have asked myself a few times why I did it, given that I don't believe in that (maybe in God, but not in that particular ritual). I think it was because I wanted to hang on to something. A milestone, a ritual, a moment, that could represent starting afresh and anew. But now what I am worried about is when I succumb again, that ritual is going to emotionally loose all its splendor and I will be left to myself again (which as my counter shows, is not very good at all). But for the moment I want to try my best to hold on to this ritual, for what it is worth. Time will tell.
 
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