fresh start...

OrangeSpider

Active Member
Made it to day 4

Yesterday I worked allot more in the yard, I think getting physically tired is good for the addiction. Enjoyed some music while I was at it, not just singing, but enjoying the moment, the music, the lyrics, the felling. Went to a friends house who is in an extend military training, to help his wife fix some things; obviously didn't go alone, I went with my wife and kids; helping another person and connecting with them was good. I've also been watchful of what I'm eating, not mainly for loosing weight, just more about discipline, I think I have to let this control and mindfulness to spill in all areas of my life. Before I go to bed I am trying to journal, just to go over what went down and how I managed myself; this for some reason is very hard for me, but I want to grow in the habit, I think it will also help me.

It's only day 4, don't want to get too cocky or overcomplicate things, but I have to start somewhere. So far so good. I pray God will help me make it. Best of luck to all rebooters out there!
 

OrangeSpider

Active Member
Day 5

Yesterday was a productive day, got some school work done for a degree I'm pursuing; I was amazed, because initially I was just going to start, but I actually finished. Had some play time with the kids. The only thing I regret was my eating, all day good, but at the end I ravaged the pantry for sweets, gotta watch this. For me indiscipline takes me all the way down to P n' M.

This morning I had some thoughts and my hand started to get playful, but I labeled the thoughts and valued that Im at 5 days, the idea of restarting did not sink well and I corrected.

I gotta keep up the discipline and labeling.
 

OrangeSpider

Active Member
cheers to day 6!

I had a few times yesterday where my mind started to drift into P thoughts, but I just sat back, recognized, labeled and explored that they just were contractions of the addiction. Yesterday this was enough and I didn't have to go do something else. I also did some more work in the yard as well as school work to. And went in the evening with some friends to have a good time.

so far so good.
 

OrangeSpider

Active Member
@ day 2... does not sound very encouraging, but this is how all things get started. I hope, pray and am working towards this resolution to stick and make it to day 90.
 

OrangeSpider

Active Member
made it to day 3... my commitment for the day us no P&M today, no Sir!
I had some alone time yesterday in my computer, that is when Im usually vulnerable, nobody in the house and the urge just kicks in in such a way that I cant resist; well yesterday I was alone, but that unbearable kick did not come, I was fortunate. I keep on practicing the identifying, labeling and accepting the thoughts, so that when those come in I can use this technique. Im also trying to zen life as much as possible, enjoying the little moments with my family and during the day as they come.
Lets do this!
 

OrangeSpider

Active Member
My sobriety date is July 13 2022.
I had a bit of a struggle yesterday morning, was navigating instagram for some sultry pictures, after a few minutes I stood up and talked to myself to not let it all go to waste and that was it. What worried me was that it crept on me, I have been talking about labeling and surfing the wave, but I just could not do that, when I noticed what I was doing I was already scrolling. I need to be more aware of my thoughts and more responsible and accountable with them.
 

OrangeSpider

Active Member
Day 6!

Yesterday was of much opportunity to go down the P rabbit hole, I had a full day alone in my office getting some work done. There was a moment I needed a break and my mind immediately knew the best relaxer; I labeled it, thought about being at day 5 and that I did not want to loose that and then went upstairs to grab a coffee and walk around a bit.

Today will be the same, this whole week will be like this, all day in office getting work done for a deadline. I pray and hope I can manage myself in a similar way. What I do feel and think right now is that, at least for today, it's going to happen. I want freedom, I desire it, I don't want to feel like shit again, I don't want to be kicking myself for giving in and asking God to forgive me for the same thing again.

Wishing myself and all of you Godspeed in this journey and fight!
 

OrangeSpider

Active Member
first week!

Feels good to type that down, it's been a while.

Yesterday I was all day alone in the office again, I do not recall any pressing thoughts to go for P, I think its because this week is so pressing with work that I know inside me that I do not have time to loose; the procrastinator inside me is surprised of what is happening. I feel accomplished of making it to here, gotta keep humble and vigilant for creeping urges and use the battle plan when it does.

Wishing all of us the best of favor for the journey!
 

OrangeSpider

Active Member
I relapsed this morning! Woke up and just went straight to my computer and like automatically went for P & M. I didnt even try to identify, label and recognize the thoughts, it was like I was hijacking myself. Hate it!
I need to start fresh and do amends.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Hey Spider, it happens man. Don't beat yourself up too much over it.

You went over 10 days porn free, that's awesome!

What changed over the last few days, that made you give in this morning?

It's good to ask yourself these things so as to learn from each relapse?
 

OrangeSpider

Active Member
I appreciate the words again @Blondie. I know this is just part of the journey, but its been old for way to long, but still we gotta get up and go at it again.

Yesterday was another PMO. Today marks day 1; here we go again.

Lord, help us!
 

downhillfromhere

Active Member
Keep on getting up OrangeSpider, you will get there!

Sometimes reaching for P is as simple as habit. From the looks of it, maybe that’s what happened? Keep on going, stay away from P as much as possible, and soon enough the habit will start to lose its grip.

I noticed that you mentioned Instagram, this has been a huge problem for me. I was browsing quite a bit, thinking that it didn’t hurt my recovery - but it was incredibly damaging and made me weaker. Made me crave stronger and stronger material until I relapsed. If I can give any advice, it’s to stay away from that stuff, treat it like you do P itself - stay far away.
 

OrangeSpider

Active Member
Here is to day 1, again.

Yeah @downhillfromhere I have a pretty bad IG habbit, I wake up and its the first thing I browse, and sometimes racy pics or reels go by amd they get me worked up. I have been telling myself to not do that first thing in the morning, but Im not there yet. But I know its a significant hole in my recovery and overall well being; as you said, I need to treat it as P itself. Thanks for your words.
 

downhillfromhere

Active Member
No problem! It’s good that you’re aware of that problem, what you do first thing in the morning is very impactful, it sets you up for the day.

I’ve been trying to spend a few minutes when I wake up to just breathe and notice how everything feels in my body, but it’s tough. I tend to fall asleep again or go get my phone and read some news and catch up.

I think that looking at Instagram like that is fuelling the addiction, especially when things appear that you don’t really want to be seeing. I had to cut out Reddit 100% because of that, and Instagram has to go as well I think. It’s the search for novelty, the dopamine hunting. When I browse, there’s something in the back of my head that is just hoping something will appear, just enough to get a reaction. At least for me, subconsciously searching for those things makes me think more about P-related things throughout the day, and from there it’s just a matter of time before I relapse. So I just can’t do it anymore.

But like you say, if you’re not ready that’s fair enough. I’ve been resisting too, because there are things I don’t really want to let go. There’s a part of me that wants to stick to using social media and even using P, a part of me that wants to relapse. But as long as I try, that part will slowly suffocate.

If you want to make that change, sooner or later you will be at a point where you can do it. Stay with it! 👍
 

OrangeSpider

Active Member
day 3 and things are going smooth.
Yesterday and Sunday I worked all day, kept busy, not much down time for PMO opportunity.
Lest see how it goes today. Gotta be proactive ando not reactive though, because when you less expect it, it jumps and bites you in the rear.
Thank you @downhillfromhere I do recognize that Im too naive (ignoring that it is clearly, as you said, the search for "for novelty and dopamine hunting") and lazy (Im just procrastinating to do what I know needs hard work and focus) to not recognize the negativity of Social Media and how it does not help at all with recovery.
The fight and journey goes on!
 
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