fresh start...

OrangeSpider

Active Member
cheers to day 5!
Again, no time yesterday for PMO. This morning I've had a small revolving thought in my head about a girl I saw yesterday and a few times already I have thought about MO, but I have pushed them away. I am thinking of were I am at, day 5, thinking that it is not worth it, labeling the thoughts as just part of my addiction; it has helped until now. As soon as I finish here I will start to focus on work and get busy.
 

OrangeSpider

Active Member
made it to day 6!
Almost didn't. That thought from yesterday kept on circling in my mind. My family all went out like for an hour and I stoped what I was working on and came to the computer with my intention of going to town, I fiddled a bit, but my filter catched it all and then I snapped back into place and did not give in, went straight back to work. It was a close call yesterday, but we made it gents!
 

OrangeSpider

Active Member
Back down to day 1.
Yesterday I woke up, and like other moments I have gone through and described here, I came down to the computer and just searched for P and ended in PMO. I had been edging the day before and finding loopholes in my blocker, until I found one, that is what I went for the next day.
 

WinkTinkTillium

Active Member
Morning @OrangeSpider time to stand up and push forward, you can do this! During my few years of attempted success/relapse windows i also used to try to incorporate edging but i only ever found it to lead to my own failure and had to just figure out how to go no touch all together. What led you to edging? was the prior day full of triggers?
 

Not Very Funny

New Member
Morning @OrangeSpider time to stand up and push forward, you can do this! During my few years of attempted success/relapse windows i also used to try to incorporate edging but i only ever found it to lead to my own failure and had to just figure out how to go no touch all together. What led you to edging? was the prior day full of triggers?
If a man was able to edge & not get anywhere close to O, do you think the practice would delay or interfere with recovery?
 

Blondie

Respected Member
I would definitely suggest to do NO edging of any kind. Unless you never did that habit while masturbating and looking at porn, you will be firing the same neuropathways and would not only be slowing down your recovery, but even making it easier to relapse.

Do not touch is my rule.
 

Not Very Funny

New Member
I would definitely suggest to do NO edging of any kind. Unless you never did that habit while masturbating and looking at porn, you will be firing the same neuropathways and would not only be slowing down your recovery, but even making it easier to relapse.

Do not touch is my rule.
Thanks man! I think I'm going to incorporate that rule. A little difficult because of a new woman in my life. Thoughts of her gets it started. But I'm committed to recovery.
 

OrangeSpider

Active Member
Thanks for the words guys!
Here at day 2. Been doing good so far, of course.
What leads me to edging has been a mix of boredom and laziness. I have to do some work, but I don't want to do the effort, that takes me to boredom ideas and I start to edge and then play around with social media. This rebooting is not just about quitting porn, its much more, its about becoming a wholesome and better you, its about addressing and encountering your vices and demons; its a great but tough journey.
 

Simon2

Active Member
Yep. Boredom is a huge problem for me too. I find it really helps to have something else to turn to that is NOT on the computer at those times. Lately I've been reading books that are very gripping to help. Do you have something you could have at the ready to pick up when you're bored?
 

OrangeSpider

Active Member
day 3.

Yep. Boredom is a huge problem for me too. I find it really helps to have something else to turn to that is NOT on the computer at those times. Lately I've been reading books that are very gripping to help. Do you have something you could have at the ready to pick up when you're bored?
I will think about this, thank you. I have a few books in process, but I would not describe them gripping, need to get me some of those.
 

k-fff

Well-Known Member
Back down to day 1.
Yesterday I woke up, and like other moments I have gone through and described here, I came down to the computer and just searched for P and ended in PMO. I had been edging the day before and finding loopholes in my blocker, until I found one, that is what I went for the next day.
On finding openings around your blocker, I would recommend removing your blockers if it’s a consistent problem because that constant searching for that one opening activates the brain the same way. It was actually what worsened my addiction and resulted in unintentional edging. I use covenant eyes because it has people who can see which operates as a really strong mental block. Blockers are effective the most I feel when they place a mental “block” that you can’t cross. For me, my blockers only work in that sense that I have this “mental” line now placed there that I don’t cross. I hope this was helpful.
 

WinkTinkTillium

Active Member
We all know that feeling, dont let it stop you. I had probably no lie 750 Day 1's????? (if a 3 year battle is 1,095 days and my rate or relapse was horrible, guestimate of 70%, that is 766 days)

Do whatever you need to stand back up, try something new, figure out what caused you relapse and try incorporate new things to find success. Questions to ask yourself, why did I? was it habit, a trigger, low emotion day, etc etc If you find a reason try something to begin to change that.
 

OrangeSpider

Active Member
Thank you @WinkTinkTillium for your words and encouragement.

I have been on a streak of less PMO for the last few weeks, I feel on the bottom of my self right now. Today Im back to day 1.

I think it has just been mindlessness and laziness, I have just gone moment by moment and day by day, dragging my feet and wasting time by not being present, in the moment, aware. Any suggestions to overcome this?

Best of luck to y'all in our rebooting!
 

OrangeSpider

Active Member
day 2

There is something discouraging of being at the first days of your reboot; seeing day 1, 2, 3, 4, makes me feel like I have not accomplished nothing, that Im a looser; makes me feel like Im going to repeat repeating reboots, go down soon again, that I cant make it. Im in such a bad condition, mentally and as a human being, that even starting to reboot is a way of kicking myself down. But that is how it starts, whats that saying, a journey of 1000 miles starts with one step. I want to be better, I want to be happy and free; and for this I know I need to deal with this problem which pervades every area of my life, secretly, but it does, I don't want this to continue, I want a better quality of life. Im tired of talking to a girl and not being able to feel confident or have a interesting conversation, because Im just wondering in my mind what are the shape of her breast, I want to be normal. Im tired of having that nagging thought in the back of my mind, judging me for my constant PMO and cutting muy confidence short.

But to get there, I need to go through day 2, and probably I have to go through day 2 a few more dozen times (hopefully not, but realistically yes). For now Im happy for being at 46 hours and 46 minutes (46:46); look at that, it sounds better in hours than in days at the beginning, I should do that to feel more accomplished.

Today, I want to be PMO free, right now I don't want to be entangled by this anymore, I hope this desire goes long and grows stronger, even when urges may flair and rise up.
 

WinkTinkTillium

Active Member
Heya @OrangeSpider You're not alone in that defeating feeling. You are not a loser just because you havent found success yet. Failing to continue to try is only the true defeat.

Mind talking about a perspective change? For example ok you would like to quit porn and move on from that. I would like to hear about other things you would like to accomplish, do, or change? I will share more after you response

I apologize if you have written them before and i missed them. i will try to read through the past 4 pages again to check
 

OrangeSpider

Active Member
day 3

Thanks for your response WTT. To answer your question about other things I would like to change. Simply put, I want to enjoy life, I want to be present so I can soak in all its beauty and richness. But to do that I know I need certain limits or restraints, like road signs and rules.
  • I want to enjoy my wife, but for that I need to stop PMO, I need to be more present so I can look at her and hear her and love her.
  • I want to enjoy my kids, for that I need to play with them and talk with them and be with them.
  • I want to healthy, so I can play with my kids, go for a run, hike a mountain, don't get easily fatigued; for that I need to eat well and exercise regularly.
  • I want to learn and imagine and delight in a good story, for that I need to let my phone down and stop watching so much Netflix, and grab a book and calm my self down and read and enjoy and imagine.
  • I want to not just go day by day, I want to thing and reflect upon what happened, I don't want to be mindless, I want to be introspective; for that I need to journal and reflect.
  • I want to be more diligent and procrastinate less, especially when I sit down to work, I have this vain curiosity for things that just pop un in my head, and I go down a rabbit hole of digging for that stupid idea, instead of making a note and postponing for free time and get back to work; I want to be more disciplined with my time and work, I want to be more productive, so I can create and leave a legacy here in life, leave a trace in this life.
PMO is a hindrance for all of these, it cuts me short, it captures me in some way or another and does not let me be present and focused so I can do these and enjoy this only chance, this short time, this constant evaporating of moments that will not last forever.

it's been 72h & 27m since my last relapse.
 
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