I Need To Vent

WoundedSparrow

Active Member
I haven't posted in while because I didn't need to. But I need to air some grievances. I just relapsed after almost 9 weeks of sobriety, the longest I've gone since I started. My motivation was and still is the fear of the abyss. Back in September, I went 2 weeks without porn. I had a very disturbing sexual dream and, rather than process it logically, I allowed the stress to lead me back to porn... Twice. The next morning, my anxiety skyrocketed to unbelievable levels. I could feel a mental breakdown coming like a freight train. It was going to be my third one in the six years I've been an addict. My last breakdown was in 2016 and it crippled me mentally and emotionally for months. I knew what would happen. I popped an anxiety pill and felt myself drown in an ocean of panic. I dropped on my knees and begged God to stop it with every ounce of my being. And then, where I should have felt my psyche shatter into a million pieces, the panic receded. The breakdown never came.

However, I knew I wouldn't escape Scott-free. The next several months were hellish. My mind wasn't broken, but it was cracked. I was slowly repairing the damage that had been done. Anxiety and extremely unwanted and disturbing thoughts plagued me day and night. I obsessed over them. It was as though I was living in another reality, one where every waking moment was torment. I was miserable. I carried an emergency pill with me to work just in case I needed it. Sometimes I did. And for the first time, thoughts crossed my mind that never had before: Thoughts of suicide. Now, I don't want to incite a panic. I never seriously contemplated suicide or attempted to harm myself, but the miserable hole I was in was so deep that I found myself thinking, "I know this pain is likely to end, but if for some reason it doesn't, I can honestly see myself committing suicide somewhere down the road."

It was the first time I saw my addiction threaten to turn lethal. To think I was seeing the possibility of suicide in my future was eye-opening. And relapses happened during this horrific time, each one a gamble with the abyss I knew I was close to. Any relapse could be the one that put me over the edge. And if that happened... I didn't want to think about it. I can't remember exactly how it happened, but I decided that enough was enough. I had to quit porn. Not as a matter of living better or even my mental health, but as a matter of pure survival. If I kept looking at porn, I'd keep getting worse. I could hardly imagine a worse point than where I was, but the lesson I've learned about porn addiction is that you can ALWAYS sink lower. Always. And if I sank lower than where I was already, I would put myself in a mental state that saw suicide as a legitimate way out. I wasn't going to let that happen.

I don't remember exactly how I approached sobriety, but I went for it. Days turned into weeks. Eventually, I was at two months sober just a few days ago. It wasn't about a mere "reboot" or a streak. It wasn't about everything I stood to gain, it was about everything I had to lose. Remember: There is no equilibrium with porn. You're either getting better or you're getting worse. But I just got worse. A few days ago, I had a wet dream. I've had several over the last few months. However, sometimes I forget that in the days that follow, I'm more susceptible to sexual suggestion. Today, my mind was racing with unwanted, disturbing thoughts, many of which were sexual. Tonight, I went to the gym. I haven't been to the gym in months, since before the holidays. My mental state caused me to avoid going places I didn't have to. But I went and I saw plenty of women that made the gears in my head turn. I got home and made my classic mistake of fiddling around in the Twitter search bar. Down the rabbit hole I went, fighting tooth and nail every step of the way. But in the end, porn won. I slipped back into my old ways and was defeated. Now hear I sit wondering what happens next.

I want to keep fighting but when I relapse once, I usually do it again shortly after. My mental resistance will be fractured. I know one relapse doesn't undo 60 days of progress, but I worry I'll be weak. That I'll lose sight of myself and what I have to do. Even as I typed out the fact that I thought about suicide, my brain told me how silly it was that I would think such a thing. But it wasn't silly. It was real. I can't forget everything I'm fighting for. My mental health has improved ten-fold in the last two months. I've avoided disaster. I just hope I can keep going. I never have before. Relapse after a clean streak always results in more. I just forget. I can't. I'm not asking for advice or moral support. I just needed to pour all of this out here for my own sake. And I'll ask you all to pray for me. If you don't pray, pray anyway. You never know who's listening and I need all the help I can get. That's all I have.
 

yesyes1234

Active Member
Keep fighting. In my experience talking to a therapist and especially going to SLAA are probably the best ways to keep on track and avoid all the frustration from battling alone - including something like suicidal thoughts.

It's completely different to be able to talk to others about it in person, especially if they are going through something similiar.
 

bob

Respected Member
Thanks for posting your thoughts. They reflect many who are here. We have been in your shoes and it sucks big time.

I support the comments of yeseyes1234 with this addition. A 12 step is a positive place to be. Whether SLAA, SA, or SAA, it is a chance to talk in the open with what you are experiencing. Well worth the feelings of terror that you are the only one. You are not.

Just make sure that you find the group that fits you. All are different unto themselves. Don't stop until you have visited multiple times. It is worth the effort. The same can be said about a therapist.

My thoughts are with you.

Peace
 

WoundedSparrow

Active Member
Update: I relapsed again. It's only been 4 days. I'm afraid one little slip is going to drag me back into months of addiction. God knows how much worse my mental health will get. I've been an addict for 6 years. I'm about to be 25. I'm afraid my brain development may have suffered because of this. One relapse is all it takes to lose 2 whole months of willpower. Worse still, I found myself enjoying the rush. It felt like, "It's been so long! I can finally let loose!" It's as though months of suffering meant nothing. I hate it. But the cravings come and I'm helpless to resist. How do you come back after a relapse? I know that once I reach a week it gets easier. But I can't go 4 fucking days. What do you do when your mind is weakened by relapse and the cravings come? How to you break your mind away from them? I can't go back.
 

yesyes1234

Active Member
Getting away from a laptop or a smartphone are good ways to fight the urges. Go for walks, runs or spend time in nature are all good activities.

Or be around people where you can't exploit it. I also think the urges tend to pop up more often when we are alone.

Maybe get a blocker. I've heard K9 being recommended quite often.

Cold showers, if you can get yourself to do it, is also a way to but a damper on the urges.

But in general, talking to other people about it and having a community of support makes it a lot easier to fight the urges. In SLAA you don't have to go through a 12 step process.
You can just listen and talk about what you are experienced. That's what I did and it helped a lot.
 

doneatlast

Well-Known Member
You'll get through this.  I'm not being trite.  I've seen your posts for a long time, and you're smart, focused, and way stronger than you think you are.  You're fighting a harder battle than others, but it doesn't mean you're weaker, it just means your particular enemy is stronger than it is for others.  You know all the tools, the tricks, the pitfalls, maybe you just forget that they're there at the key moments, or are tricked into thinking they'll work better than they will.

Change, moments of progress, and pay off for lots of work can show up in an instant.  These battles are long and can seem hopeless, but the hopelessness is just our lack of perspective to see what the light at the end of the tunnel can really be like.

Of course you'll be in my prayers.
 

bob

Respected Member
DoneAtLast said:
you're smart, focused, and way stronger than you think you are.  You're fighting a harder battle than others, but it doesn't mean you're weaker, it just means your particular enemy is stronger than it is for others.

This is so true.

Keep at it. Work it. Don't ever give up. Learn from your slips and work to recognize when they will happen again. And remember, if you went 4 days, YOU WENT 4 DAYS!. Its not the total number of days without a slip its the days that you successful.

You can do this.

Peace
 

WoundedSparrow

Active Member
Update 2: It's a disaster. I've been on a binge and it's been awful. Worse still, I find myself actually somewhat enjoying it. Like an alcoholic that tasted liquor for the first time after two months and now can't stop swigging it. I'm starting to lose control again. I WANT to stop. I know that addiction is strongest at the 7 week mark. All I need to do is go a week. I've told myself that several times over the past week and a half but the most I go is a day or two. All day long I think about quitting, then when the evening comes, I lose control. My willpower is shattered. I almost went 90 days. What can I do to resist cravings? As someone on the forum said, I know what I need to do but I forget it all at crucial times. How can I remember while my brain wants me to forget? It's been over 6 years and I can't afford another breakdown.
 

doneatlast

Well-Known Member
WoundedSparrow said:
Update 2: It's a disaster. I've been on a binge and it's been awful. Worse still, I find myself actually somewhat enjoying it. Like an alcoholic that tasted liquor for the first time after two months and now can't stop swigging it. I'm starting to lose control again. I WANT to stop. I know that addiction is strongest at the 7 week mark. All I need to do is go a week. I've told myself that several times over the past week and a half but the most I go is a day or two. All day long I think about quitting, then when the evening comes, I lose control. My willpower is shattered. I almost went 90 days. What can I do to resist cravings? As someone on the forum said, I know what I need to do but I forget it all at crucial times. How can I remember while my brain wants me to forget? It's been over 6 years and I can't afford another breakdown.

It seems to me like your stress and anxiety levels are high.  When stress and anxiety are high, your executive function is low.  What relieves stress other than porn?  What is something with relatively little effort makes you happy?  It doesn't need to be productive, it just needs to be something you'll stick to.  Heck, a giant puzzle could be the answer.  Tetris.  A long walk.  Bubble bath.  At this point, I think people pick too ambitious goals to replace porn because they want their lives to be better, but the point isn't that (yet), it is just to keep you relaxed and in control.  Overly ambitious goals are too easy to set aside when cravings hit, and too hard to focus on when the zombie brain takes over.  Part of the reason porn feels so good right now is that it is drawing you away from your pain.  Of course it also CAUSES your pain, but your zombie brain doesn't understand that.  What can you do to relieve some pain and stop the feedback loop?  Even if it doesn't result in starting a reboot right away, if it helps you feel better and dampens the feedback loop, then you're at least gaining strength for when you want to reboot again.
 
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