Every moment a chance to begin again - Reboot Journal

[clandr]

Every moment a chance to begin again – Reboot Journal
Mar. 13, 2022
Entry 14

Current status:
63 days sober (including today, so far). Or 63 days with no PMO.

I think I’ve written before about my Bermuda Triangle. Hopelessness, helplessness, and worthlessness are the three points. I have observed and realized over the years of my addiction to P and PMO at least one of these three is always present and dominating my thoughts and feelings whenever I relapse. Usually, it’s a combination of them, meaning more than one. More often, all three are present to some degree. Unfortunately, they reinforce each other.

An example: yesterday I finished a long week of overtime, stress of being behind in projects because more and more clients keep coming in (which is a good thing, of course. I’m grateful to have a job), and just general burnout. It’s been like this at work for the last month or so, but this week was particularly difficult, emotionally, I think. So, yesterday, Saturday, I’m just drained. Tired. I slept in and just generally relaxed most of the day trying to recharge my batteries, so to speak. Later, I went out for food, groceries, fill up the rig, etc. I left the store and sat in my truck. I had just observed this woman at the store, and she was just gorgeous. Not just physically, although she was that. Also, of late, I’ve been struggling with fantasizing about women and PMO. I’m not sure, but I think the flatlining stage may be winding down. Which brings up another topic. Wet dreams, but I’ll address that topic in another post. Basically, I’ve felt my mental guards weaken somewhat over the last few weeks. So, again, here’s the combination of triggers:

• Added stress at work, taking its toll physically, mentally, and emotionally.
• Fewer meaningful interactions and connections with actual people in my life because work has been taking more time.
• I finally have some down time, but it’s unstructured because I didn’t plan ahead because I blame work taking my time. I could have planned ahead.
• Not checking my thoughts and realize that I’m having fantasies, and actively replacing the fantasies with more productive thoughts.
• Generally lonely.
• Feeling sorry for myself.
• Seeing this beautiful woman at the store which triggered a bunch of thoughts. Thoughts not just centered around PMO or objectifying this woman.
• Thoughts of inadequacy because I don’t think I could ever find a woman like that.
• Sorrow because I believe I could never find a woman like that.
• Sorrow that I’ve not had a really healthy relationship with a woman in a long time.
• Feelings of helplessness that I can’t better my current situation without a herculean amount of effort and time (which I can’t accomplish on a Saturday afternoon).
• Thoughts of all my perceived flaws and inadequacies (I recently was rejected by a woman who I had been dating for a while, straight up because I don’t make enough money). I’m not gonna lie, that stung. I mean, I’ve been rejected plenty, but usually if I got a reason it was vague enough for it to be a lot of different reasons. This was exact.
• Thoughts of how unattractive I am (need to go to the gym, but trying to overcome my anxiety to go do that).

I should break here and describe that in this mental downward spiral of thoughts, I did see a way to “escape.” As I was sitting in my rig in the grocery store parking lot, not focusing on getting home, a song on the radio, an audiobook, what I was going to do for the rest of the evening, but just sitting there feeling sorry for myself, I had the thought of reaching out to this woman I recently met. And I had the thought to simply message her, reach out, contact her. And it was a good thought. I had genuine, inquisitive thoughts about her well-being and how she was doing since we last talked. The thoughts felt good. It was a good desire, I think, to reach out. But I didn’t do that. I continued in my downward thoughts.

• Thoughts of virtual women and creating your own woman (more objectifying). I can see the appeal.
• And this, in turn, led me to some “harmless” internet searches about programmers who create 3D models, etc.

You see where this was going.

Now, I didn’t see anything which is strictly “P,” by definition. But embracing technicality is how I’ve justified all kinds of relapses. Needless to say, it wasn’t good, that’s for sure. I even downloaded some of the images like I used to do with P (I then deleted them. Ha, I say used to like it was a long time ago. Wow). Now, I say it wasn’t strictly P, but it was definitely images with N in it. But I've relapsed and gone on PMO binges for far less. So, it wasn’t good. And it wasn’t mentally good. It wasn’t the mental energy and “aliveness” I’ve described in previous posts where I’m enjoying my thoughts, where I’m focused on a project or hobby and working at some healthy and uplifting activity. Thinking back on the whole scene now, it was so odd. I actually had to actively speak to myself and ask myself what I was doing? And it sort of shook me, mentally. I woke up, so to speak. I was in this mental mode of Instagram. I was just scrolling without direction or purpose. I don’t even know how long I was sitting in the parking lot scrolling through internet searches and images. 10 minutes? 30? More?

As soon as I “shook” myself “awake” I had a string of thoughts related to a plan to get back home. I determined:

• I didn’t want to relapse.
• P and PMO wasn’t going to help me in that moment.
• I turned on a podcast I like, full volume, and drove home and unloaded my groceries.
• I then tried to actively focus on the subject of the podcast, the speaker’s words, and tried to engage my own creative thoughts about that subject rather than mentally wallow in the loneliness and sorrow of my perception of my current situation.
• This has also been, historically, another justification trap. “oh, no, I saw some images, well you may as well keep looking at harder and harder stuff. You’re already down this rabbit hole. You have to keep going to a full PMO binge.” And I’ve done that so many times.
• Monday mornings were like, “so, how was your weekend?” “Oh, you know, I PMO’ed for two days to increasingly harder stuff until I was so burnt and hating myself I don’t know how I worked up the nerve to come to work this morning. What about you?”

Anyway.

I stuck with my impromptu plan for the rest of the day, and everything seemed fine. No cravings. No temptations. But I’m concerned I’m getting complacent. Strangely, I had the thought to write this post. I hoped writing about some of these triggers would help me, overall. I think what bothers me most about this recent “event” is how it snuck up on me and how my mind just went to this autopilot place I wasn’t sure existed. I guess that’s the hallmark of addiction. I’ve talked about the sensation of being two different people in previous posts. I’m just over here scrolling like a robot instead of directing my own thoughts like a sentient being. And I’m concerned too much self-reflection on this instance will cause me to overly accuse myself right into an actual relapse. So, I don’t want to dwell too much more on this.

I guess my takeaway here is that I’m not invincible. I’m never going to be. Also, that it’s not always this herculean effort which can bring me out of a bad situation. I think too, it’s okay to simply stop and not go down that road anymore. That’s still a victory. Because this is a process. I don’t have to be either perfect or go full PMO binge. Those aren’t my only two options.

Thanks for reading this.

 

[TakeActionNow]

This is an awesome post.
You caught yourself on a downward spiral, and gave yourself every help you need to get up again.
You are very mature and thoughtful in your understanding of what we are going though. There is deep awareness of your emotions in your words, and strong determination to follow through your decisions.
This is what matters most to all of us here and elsewhere.

Stay strong and focused. I'm certain you will prevail.

Seperately, hidden in your words are all the clues to your desire and success.
Do not sabotage yourself with sorrow and pity. Instead, use your words as guides to new goals.
How to be more attractive?
How to be more Interesting?
Focus only on managing yourself, and the rest will quickly fall in place.

 

[clandr]

Every moment a chance to begin again – Reboot Journal
Apr. 9, 2022
Entry 15

Current status:
90 days sober (including today, so far). Or 90 days with no PMO.

I genuinely did not think I would be at this 90-day place again the last time I was here. And I wrote about this kind of milestone region, this place of multiple, somewhat close milestones. 90 days and 100 days. And I believe I relapsed at 99 days last time and then went on a couple-day PMO binge just to make sure I relapsed, in case there was any doubt. It was a low point for me at that time and seemed to encapsulate this other struggle I have with all-or-nothing thinking. So, instead of, “oh, no, I strayed into some triggering images, and I’ve seen a few things, I should just stop and walk away. I’ve caught myself at this point, let’s not go any further,” I think, no, you didn’t really fully abstain, you’ve already started down this terrible rabbit hole, you may as well go “all the way.” Which, as we know, is PMO. And for me, that typically becomes a binge. Then there’s days of self-loathing, self-hatred, and that numb feeling followed a few more sporadic PMO sessions and then a return of my typical routine and a slow “maybe I should try again.”

The milestones are, and have been, a problem for me because I have, historically, just been white-knuckling this whole sobriety thing. So, my attitude becomes “goals” and milestones are “important,” to the exclusion of all else. More important than actual change, more important than a process. And I, as a consequence, put a lot of focus and emphasis on the sobriety day count. So, when sobriety milestones start to arrive, it’s usually a subconscious mental and emotional stumbling block. I’m more likely to relapse. I once read, or heard somewhere, that after 45 days your brain’s wavelengths kind of normalize (not exactly sure what that means), and I believed it, so 90 days is double that…milestone. And then 100 days is just a nice round number. Milestone. You get it.

I explain all this to talk about the last several weeks. The last I posted I was at 63 days of sobriety. I have struggled a bit between then and now, as you can imagine. But it’s been a lot more subtle and a lot more to do with this all-or-nothing perspective I’m combatting than actual cravings. It still feels like I’m flatlining. I’ve not had a lot of interest in S. But this is all about and because of the analysis of degrees, right? What’s actually a slip-up? Seeing N? Seeing actual P? What about glimpses? What about stopping and staring? Watching P videos? What about M? Are these all slip-ups? Where’s the line? Is there a line? It all seems like varying degrees of gray.

And I’ve realized that, for me, right now where I’m at, it’s more about my intentions. For example, last night, it was the end of a long week. I was almost to 90 days (today), and I’m finding myself, late at night, doing internet searches which I know are going to yield triggering or just flat-out P images. I’ve noticed, historically, I do this as a type of justification or lie I tell myself. Well, I was just walking, innocently, by this really slippery slope down this muddy cliff-side, oh no, I fell down the cliff…who could have predicted that? It wasn’t my fault. Instead of identifying, and being honest about it, that 1) there is a deadly cliff over there, 2) it’s rocky and muddy and slick. 3) Clearly unsafe walking conditions and 4) there’s really no legitimate reason I should be walking there. So, when I go falling down the cliff (PMO), I really can’t be surprised. I imagine it’s similar to an alcoholic spending time in bars. No one is surprised you relapsed. Same for me. I can’t do “innocent” internet searches, late at night, with no one around, while I’m bored, and then act surprised and despondent when I run into P. I’m just tempting fate. And that’s not smart. And it’s me not being transparent and honest with myself. Being honest and transparent would look like me acknowledging and, maybe even speaking out load to myself,

“there is a part of me that wants PMO. I want P. I crave it. It’s been a difficult week (again), I’m tired, no one will know or care. I deserve to have a moment to ‘relax.’ No harm in seeing some of this stuff. It’s not nearly as bad as what I’ve previously seen. Why not? And it is okay to feel this way. I’m not condemning myself for having these thoughts, cravings, or temptations, or even for taking actions toward PMO. Condemning and accusing doesn’t help me. But there is also another part, and I would argue a bigger and stronger part of my heart and mind, that wants to heal and wants to get away from this permanently. There is a large part of me that wants to feel whole and to actually feel emotions instead of that consuming numb. I’m tired of not wanting to look at myself in the mirror. I’m embarrassed and ashamed of how much of my life this addiction has taken from me. And here I am again, on the eve of 90 days of sobriety, and you’re ‘innocently’ internet searching. You’re not fooling anyone. Just stop. Put the phone down. Turn your thoughts to everything else. Think about how much better you’ll feel tomorrow if you don’t PMO tonight?”

This is more what it would look like if I was being honest with myself. Being transparent. I acknowledge I was tempted. I acknowledge the craving. I acknowledge I took action toward PMO. But ultimately, I didn’t. And I can analyze and over-analyze and quibble about the degree to which I did actually see P and conclude that my sobriety is polluted. Well, that’s garbage and untrue. As I’ve heard it said before, if I’m drunk and stumbling home, at least I’m headed in the right direction. Putting my phone down and making the decision to focus my thoughts on something else is headed in the right direction.

Now, it’s taken me a long time to get to all these realizations (if that’s what they are). And if I’m being candid, I’m not sure I’m beyond this lie and justification of all-or-nothing. I might use it to go on a PMO binge next week. Or tomorrow. I don’t know. The point is, I was walking near the cliff edge last night. And I’ve had a few more of those type of moments (and days) the last several weeks. And it worries me. This sobriety thing is a double-edged sword. I start to get confident and “removed” from the PMO and then I start to think, oh, I’m immune. It’s so far away. I’m fine! …but I ain’t. I start to think too much about the forest and miss the trees where I’m actually walking. It’s one day at a time. Often one hour at a time (especially on bad craving days). There’s a line in the 2009 film, Sherlock Holmes, where Dr. Watson, explaining about his gambling habit, says “those days are behind me.” To which Mr. Holmes immediately remarks, “right behind you.” …yeah, that’s me. This addiction is behind me…right behind me. But I’ve been operating like that for a while, and I’ll probably be operating like that the rest of my life. So, slow and steady wins. I’m slowly changing my processes and how I respond to stress and triggers. It’s a process.

I think 90 days of sobriety is great. And it is. It truly is. I’ve not been here in a long time and this iteration of it feels good. But again, sobriety isn’t the opposite of addiction and it’s honestly not my overarching dream for myself in dealing with this addiction. White-knuckling to a “goal” isn’t going to actually help me. Anyone can endure pain or stress (even huge amounts) for a short period of time. But this is a changing process. I’m trying to change who I am. I’m trying to change the part of my brain that relies on P, M, and PMO when I can’t seem to handle life. There are loads of individuals out there who manage their stress without resorting to addictions and compulsive, destructive behaviors. And I want to be one of those people. I’m worth it. I’m worth fighting for and I’m worth changing my thoughts, habits, and structure for.

So, yes, I had a close call last night. And I will have close calls in the future. I still want, want, want PMO. I do. I like it. But I also hate it. And it’s destroying and has destroyed a lot of my life. Robbed me. It has infused me with so much fear and self-doubt that I’ve missed so many opportunities and fallen to paralysis over and over again in my life. So, as I’ve said in previous posts when I’ve actually relapsed, I’m not going to dwell on this. I’m just going to keep moving forward. I’m going to walk away from the cliff edge, I’m going to re-apply the good things I’ve incorporated into my daily habits and rituals (shore up my defenses, so to speak) and I’m going to keep on keeping on.

Thanks for reading this.

 

[clandr]

Every moment a chance to begin again – Reboot Journal
Jan. 2, 2023
Entry 16

Current status:
2 days sober (including today, so far).

There’s a scene in 2009’s Sherlock Holmes where Dr. Watson, referring to his gambling habit, declares that “those days are behind [him]”. To which Mr. Holmes immediately, and almost under his breathe, states, “right behind you.”

So, new year, new me, I suppose. It’s all behind me. Right behind me.

But I’m hopeful. And that’s important, I think. Part of me wishes I could better harness the newness I feel in January throughout the rest of the year. It may sound cliché or trope. And that’s okay. I’m not here to impress anyone. I’m here for support in beating this PMO addiction. I’m here for support in changing my habits so I can rid my life of this lust. I want to have my mind clean. Like fresh water on a hot summer day. So, this is me picking myself back up, dusting myself off, and stepping forward one more time. I’ve got it to do.

Thanks for reading this.